Help I don't honestly know if I'm being unreasonable

[lolypoly]

So in December I have a once in a lifetime achievement to celebrate. Think graduation but for a professional qualification. It's taken me 7 years to achieve and it's been bloody tough.

My AIBU is that me, DH and my mum and dad will be travelling about 2 hours to get there. We will be staying overnight, the night of the celebration. The next day however, my mum wants to celebrate a significant birthday of hers, except the birthday is actually 3 months before (in September). AIBU to feel annoyed about this? She has a history of making things all about her and having to get her own way. So I'm worrying that she is using this as an excuse to dictate to me where we stay/what we do etc. Equally, she intends to celebrate the day after, so not exactly on my day but I just feel like it takes the shine somehow. I can't decide if I am getting on like a spoilt brat or whether I'm justified in feeling miffed.

I haven't said anything at all yet, but I feel irrationally annoyed. When I was a child, I never ever got to do what I wanted, ever. For various reasons beyond my mums control. But I just felt like for once this was going to be about me. But I know how childlike that sounds.

I also have a significant birthday, which is in lockdown so won't be doing much. It doesn't bother me and I wouldn't dream of celebrating it in a few months as it's over and done with.

I don't know whether to just bite my lip and say nothing or what to do say or do.

I think you’d come across as selfish and attention seeking if you tried to stop her. You still get your night of celebration, what’s wrong with celebrating her birthday the next day?

I assume they’re paying for their own accommodation and travelling some distance to celebrate your qualification?

I just don't get the need for a second birthday celebration, for someone whose birthday has already been celebrated, by the same people.

Surely the response is 'but we're celebrating your birthday in September Mum, had you forgotten?'.

If you don't feel it can be discussed in a reasonable and rational manner by your mother I'd be inclined to change the plans, in advance, and find a reason you have to get back and can't hang around.
Or, I'd get DH to say he had already planned something for just us the following day so will be parting ways after breakfast.

Yes, maybe your DH has booked a spa day for the two of you, or a quiet pub lunch, or bungee jumping off a bridge, or something.

What would you want to be doing the next day OP?

“Mum, I’m not going to celebrate your birthday on that weekend - I will feel that my special day has been hijacked by your birthday. Let’s plan something else nearer your birthday.”

What is she the Queen?
Why is she having two birthdays.

I think you are right, she will make this all about her.

Organise the whole thing with dh, and then just tell her what is happening.

'Mum, we will be celebrating on your actual birthday, so we won't be celebrating a second birthday on xx day. I have worked very hard to achieve this, so I would like to enjoy it. We have booked x,y and z and you are most welcome to join us. Would you like to let me know what your preferences are for your milestone birthday in the month of xx?'

I think you have made a mistake inviting her at all.
Narc mothers will make it all about them, birthday or no birthday.

I cannot understand why you would choose to share the celebration of your achievement with your parents.

It sounds like your mother is an unloving, abusive, selfish, nightmare of a mother and deep down you are hoping that her seeing you get celebrated for this big achievement is going to make her love you and recognise you for what you are . I am sorry but she never will.

Please uninvite your parents and either just go with your partner or invite some loving, supportive friends .

Step out and be free!

Can't you just uninvited her and celebrate with your husband instead?

Tell her no.

When she complains uninvite her, say no and mean it!

And congratulations!

You don't have the have an argument. Just book the hotel you want, and the restaurant you want, and everything else you want. If she wants to do something different, just let her. You do not have to follow her around. You are an adult. You need to take control of your own life.

I understand it's difficult but this is your celebration - don't let her dictate it.