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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s not his money

68 replies

Penistoe · 11/02/2021 19:09

My dh runs his own business he makes an ok wage but not huge. I am the main earner and make approximately 3 times as much as he does.
He saves 20% of his money for taxes. Great. This year however with some extra business purchases his tax bill was a lot lower and he has about £5,000 left over. He wants to calculate the tax for this year and keep it for the April. Get ahead of the game. Fine. Then he also said and the rest he can buy x y z for the business. He seems really excited because he can buy these cool things that will make his job easier but not essential. He essentially oversaved for tax but I feel this is family money.
When he decided to quit his job, which was more equal in terms of earning, to do his business I added him to my account so we had joint finances. So he didn’t have to ask for money. This has been a bit hard as iv always been strict and know exactly what is coming in and out, and I still seem responsible for knowing what bills are due, but he just buys whatever without checking.
I’m so annoyed by this as it feels my money is ours and his is to do with how he pleases. He does pay all his earnings into the joint account but like I said I earn a lot more. He had a new vehicle recently for his business hence the low tax bill. Meanwhile my 13 year old car broke down and iv been trying to save to get a new one, this extra money will help.
At the moment I am wfh so don’t need a car but my boss is expecting this to end in a few months.
He said he needs to ‘grow’ the business but he is only able to do this if I can do my job. I’m just fed up and feel like saying we will go back to single accounts and pay half, and if he has no money left tough, he can get a better job. Then I’m just as bad as the financially controlling men I read about on here. Sorry for the long winded one, I guess I needed a rant.

OP posts:

LadyCatStark · 11/02/2021 19:16

If he’s buying things for his business then I don’t see the problem. Hopefully they’ll help to grow his business so he can contribute more fairly.

AStudyinPink · 11/02/2021 19:20

It is his money. But it’s yours, too. You need to prioritise together.

Quartz2208 · 11/02/2021 19:20

I think if you need a family car use some money for that and the rest back into the business

FredaFlintstone · 11/02/2021 19:22

A new business takes money to grow.

I'm assuming that making his job easier by buying xyz will also make it more efficient, quicker, or produce better quality work? All things that will increase his earning potential.

If he was pissing the extra up the wall on his hobby or a holiday you'd be well within your rights to be pissed off but he's not - by investing in the business he's also investing in your future surely? So I think Yabu.

Royalbloo · 11/02/2021 19:24

Is you were him and he were you, would this be acceptable? I expect so.

Original poster

Penistoe · 11/02/2021 19:28

I think there is a balance though, he could spend £1000’s on items that would help the business, but there needs to be a balance.
Like I said I will need a car, I can’t use public transport as often have large display files etc that I need to take to and from work. Iv been to work a few times and had to organise lifts/taxis.
I get he wants to grow his business but his wages alone wouldn’t cover the bills. Mine do plus extra.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 11/02/2021 19:28

@AStudyinPink

It is his money. But it’s yours, too. You need to prioritise together.

This.

I don’t think either of you are inherently unreasonable but the way you’ve organised your finances needs fine-tuning.

A new car for you needs to be high up the priority list.

You need to discuss and agree.

NoSquirrels · 11/02/2021 19:31

He shouldn’t “buy whatever without checking”.

You need a reliable car for work.

His business needs to grow.

Self-employment is unpredictable with lumpy financial periods where cash flow is either plentiful or hard to come by.

I’m going to recommend you take a good look at something like YNAB which is great for planning joint financial priorities and will give you both some clarity.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 11/02/2021 19:31

I run my own business and there is a lot of pricey but worthwhile gear that makes my life easier/helps me do a better job/etc.

Our personal finances have been tight since starting up - should have turned good profit 2020 but covid hit.

Whenever I want to buy something over a certain price I’ll talk to DH about it. His response is always “give me the business case for it” - it makes sense to check it’s actually going to benefit the business rather than just be a shiny toy that costs £2k to not add any benefit. If I can justify it we then weigh up how personal finances are. He doesn’t tell me what to spend but is a great sounding board to prevent unnecessary gadget purchases.

If you need a new car that is more important to you as a family than eg a newer iMac.

RumJerrySailorRum · 11/02/2021 19:35

Well technically, it's money that belongs to the business.

And he's putting it towards the business.

If he was splashing out on a new set of golf clubs, or a bike for example I'd agree with you.
But he's not and sounds like he's being sensible.

Runnerduck34 · 11/02/2021 19:36

mmm its a tough one, I think if as a married couple you are pooling salary and money then any decisions should be joint ones.
I get he wants to invest in his business but it depends on what the investment is on- if its unnecessarily upgrading to the latest phone or laptop or if its essential tools or kit that will increase productivity and truly benefit the business.
As he has just got a brand new vehicle through the business and you have an unreliable old banger I dont think yabnu to want at least some of the money towards a new car, as it sounds like you have sacrificed your standard of living to support his new venture, You need to sit down and really talk about priorities.

user1732578431456 · 11/02/2021 19:41

How would you be financially controlling in this scenario if it's you who's been left without the financial resources to get to your job?

Asserting your needs isn't being controlling. Trampling over another person's would be.

What about separate finances but pay bills in proportion to earnings rather than 50:50?

That way he grows his business using what he has generated and by reinvesting his own surplus over time rather than being funded by you, which seems to be what's happening now.

Because it's not the concept of reinvesting surplus in a business in order to grow it that's at fault, it's that the only reason he currently has a "surplus" is because he hasn't paid his share and you're subbing him.

user1732578431456 · 11/02/2021 19:44

@RumJerrySailorRum

Well technically, it's money that belongs to the business.

And he's putting it towards the business.

If he was splashing out on a new set of golf clubs, or a bike for example I'd agree with you.
But he's not and sounds like he's being sensible.

He sounds like a sole trader, who's treated as receiving the entirety of the profits for tax. Therefore the profits belong to him once earned.

So he should be drawing out all of the profits he needs to pay his tax and living costs, then anything left is his surplus to reinvest.

Tumblebugsjump · 11/02/2021 19:47

I think the problem is he hasn't discussed with you where the money should go or is needed, he's just assumed he is keeping it, which given that you have joint finances and you share all of your income with him as family money, he needs reminding it's a joint decision.

Original poster

Penistoe · 11/02/2021 19:48

give me the business case for it

I like this term. He has been able to buy a fair few things that have helped. Not to be a drip feeder but he started this business shortly before our 2nd child was born. I had saved enough money so I could stay off when my Mat pay went to SMP. However this was needed to make pay the bills when he was building the business so I went back earlier than planned. So I do make sacrifices for the business and I feel sometimes the stress of family finances is all on me. It’s the flippant great I have extra money attitude that annoyed me so I will buy this and that. He really feels like ‘I saved it and my tax was cheaper so it’s mine’. Yet everything I earn is ours. My job is pretty stressful right now so I’m probably projecting. I just need to calm a little and think rationally. You have helped thank you.

OP posts:

BenoneBeauty · 11/02/2021 19:52

I think you need to speak to him and tell him how you feel - your feelings are totally normal and id feel exactly the same as you but unless you explain your feelings and the situation, he won't know and will feel he's doing the right thing by investing further into the business (whether that's necessary or not).

Morgoth · 11/02/2021 19:54

I think both the family car needing replacing and money invested into his business so it can grow and expand and bring in more household income in the long term are both sensible and valid reasons. I don’t think either of you have unreasonable demands.

What you need to do is sit down together and discuss in the immediate present, which one of those two things is slightly more urgent right now? If you genuinely can’t get to work or take the children anywhere or to school because the car is on its last legs, then you need to let him know the urgency of the situation so money can be allocated there first and the remainder can go into his business.

yvanka · 11/02/2021 19:56

Speak to him?

yvanka · 11/02/2021 19:57

I didn't mean that to sound flippant, but clearly his attitude towards family money gets on your nerves and he isn't a mind reader. You will need to have a frank discussion about this before you start to resent him.

mindutopia · 11/02/2021 19:59

I think the solution is that his business is doing well and you know you will have some expenses coming up in the next few months. He can start paying himself more in a salary which can go into a joint account along with you putting in money and then you can save for a new car in a few months time when you need it. Businesses do need ready cash and I wouldn’t want to raid that to buy a car (also I can’t imagine asking Dh to buy me a car anyway as to us our car are personal expenses). But it does sound like he can perhaps contribute more to the joint pot and I would expect that.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 11/02/2021 20:15

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I agree with you, it should be family money. Need to have a discussion with him it sounds like. Maybe consider going back to separate finances with proportions paid - I don't think that's financially abusive at all

Original poster

Penistoe · 11/02/2021 20:23

also I can’t imagine asking Dh to buy me a car anyway as to us our car are personal expenses).

But he is not buying me a car. If I was just paying 50% of the bills I would have been able to buy a car by now. My wages go in, all the bills come out the day after and there is a bit left. Then he will put money in as it comes and this pays for food, other expenses, some treats. At the end of the month anything left before the next wages comes in I put into savings. I don’t buy anything for me for the savings only house things. I’m pretty frugal and often go without. Also the car won’t just be mine, he has a work vehicle but no other car, so this would be a family car, I would just use it for work in the day. Weekends (when we all have places to go) we will use it as a family car, as the old one was.

He has the profit for a job after cost deductions and before he pays money in he sets aside tax money. I actually went over this with him and made sure he had tax NI and student loan ready when it came in. The main reason he had money left as he got an accountant to do taxes, clearly a lot better at it that he was doing. So there was a big lump left. Absolutely he should use it for the next financial year and the second payment on Oct. I do get he needs things for the business and he does buy things. For example he may say from this job I earned this much but I need a new item or this would be handy so I’m buying this. I have never grilled him on this as I trust if he says he needs something he does.

I get what you all are saying and you really have helped me. I think a good old excel calculator needs to be done.
I honestly want his business to succeed not just for the money but I can see how happy it does make him and he has worked hard.

OP posts:

ParadiseIsland · 11/02/2021 20:24

If my DH was telling me what to spend business money on, I wouldn’t be happy at all.

Business money is not family money.

And if he could save £5000 of taxes, he can’t be making such a small amount of money

ParadiseIsland · 11/02/2021 20:26

YOU need an excel spreadsheet? What for?

The family finances or your DH business?

Quartz2208 · 11/02/2021 20:29

Does he take a wage from the buiness and put any money in?

I think now it is starting to make more money you need a long chat about finances and make sure you have a car

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