It’s not his money

[Penistoe]

My dh runs his own business he makes an ok wage but not huge. I am the main earner and make approximately 3 times as much as he does.
He saves 20% of his money for taxes. Great. This year however with some extra business purchases his tax bill was a lot lower and he has about £5,000 left over. He wants to calculate the tax for this year and keep it for the April. Get ahead of the game. Fine. Then he also said and the rest he can buy x y z for the business. He seems really excited because he can buy these cool things that will make his job easier but not essential. He essentially oversaved for tax but I feel this is family money.
When he decided to quit his job, which was more equal in terms of earning, to do his business I added him to my account so we had joint finances. So he didn’t have to ask for money. This has been a bit hard as iv always been strict and know exactly what is coming in and out, and I still seem responsible for knowing what bills are due, but he just buys whatever without checking.
I’m so annoyed by this as it feels my money is ours and his is to do with how he pleases. He does pay all his earnings into the joint account but like I said I earn a lot more. He had a new vehicle recently for his business hence the low tax bill. Meanwhile my 13 year old car broke down and iv been trying to save to get a new one, this extra money will help.
At the moment I am wfh so don’t need a car but my boss is expecting this to end in a few months.
He said he needs to ‘grow’ the business but he is only able to do this if I can do my job. I’m just fed up and feel like saying we will go back to single accounts and pay half, and if he has no money left tough, he can get a better job. Then I’m just as bad as the financially controlling men I read about on here. Sorry for the long winded one, I guess I needed a rant.

YOU need an excel spreadsheet? What for?

To maybe work out a fairer share of earnings based on equivalent earnings. Like a poster suggested.

Does he take a wage from the buiness and put any money in?

No he doesn’t pay himself a wage. He was talking about this though. He generally calculates profits, sets aside money for tax in a personal savings account, takes out a set amount for his business savings and the business of rest is put in out joint account.

Sorry grammar... business savings and then the rest is....

I think this is a wider issue about how he contributes to the household financially. He's essentially under contributed to the household pot on a monthly basis. So he now has that money for himself or the buisness. You subbing him in his contribution has allowed him to save this.

It's not really buisness money sole trading doesn't really work like that. I'm partially self employed and it's just my money. What kind of work does he do?

I also think it matters what your income is. If it's 150k Yabu as 5k or so is a small portion of this but if its say 40k it's a much bigger deal.

I would take it exactly like you have. He sees his money as his. I would now tell him that you go 50 50 on everything. I know it is supposedly about proportionality but he isnt sharing with you.

The money goes to the car! It’s not a personal expense if the op needs it to get it work and is the main earner. Also this business money is business money - why is money his business has earned after being subsidised by the op his, and money her job has paid her family money? He didn’t subsidise her getting the job. That’s a totally weird way to think about it. Businesses need investment, but families need food too and it needs to be at an agreed rate.

I think there are a few issues here OP that are getting mixed up, and you need to separate them in your head and get it clear before you speak to them.

There sounds some resentment at being the main earner and giving up maternity leave to support his business, this seems to stress you out.

There is some resentment about organising and paying all the bills, I guess from a mental load point of view.

There is some resentment about him generally earning less than he used to so you have to make ongoing sacrifices such as not having a new car

It sounds like it's as much the weight of the responsibility that's weighing you down as anything else. How does spending money get split, do you have equal? Would he clear any big purchases with you? I do think its different taking money from a business and investing it back in that business, to taking family money and blowing it on a hobby or something. Though I know in some small businesses the lines can be a bit blurred.

How much does he need to spend this money on his business and how much does he just want to? How much of a say do you think you should have in what he does with his business money? If his business was mega successful what do you think he would do with the extra money, would it be equally shared? Are you involved in the ownership of the business at all in recognition for what you've given up for it? Would you want to be, and then have a say in what money is spent on? Just a few things to think about!

All his wages go into the joint account but you don't think it's fair that he has access to that account?

It would be difficult to find a fair way to split bills if his income fluctuates. Why don't you agree on an equal amount of "fun money" each month, which goes into personal accounts, and then everything left after bills goes in savings which you can spend on mid/large purchases that you've both agreed on?

I'm always reading on here that higher earner should pay more towards living costs. Unless it's a woman, that's always a game changer on here.

I'd talk to him, tell him you'll need a new car in a couple of months and ask him to make a contribution.

Something doesn't add up here

" I am the main earner and make approximately 3 times as much as he does.
He saves 20% of his money for taxes. Great. This year however with some extra business purchases his tax bill was a lot lower and he has about £5,000 left over"

Dp saves 20% for taxes and ended up with 5000 left over.

So at an absolute minimum he made 25,000

You earn 3x this so you're on a minimum of 75,000 a year.

House hold income a minimum of 100k.

Do you really think people are going to say that someone on 75k+ should expect thier partner who earns less than the national average to be 50/50 or buying them a new car?

I think this arises because of a change in dynamic.

The key thing here is they used to be equal earners with no doubt equal contributions and then her dh chose to quit his job and run his own business and earn 1/3 of what he did before.

For me, the key thing here is was that decision joint - because what is causing the issue here is a change in that dynamic and the fact that you are more cautious generally with money than him yet he now earns less than you.

Do you really think people are going to say that someone on 75k+ should expect thier partner who earns less than the national average to be 50/50 or buying them a new car?
If the op doesn’t have that kind of money left over then yes his should go into the pot. I know it’s a lot but plenty of people use that much for basic living costs.

Because it's not the concept of reinvesting surplus in a business in order to grow it that's at fault, it's that the only reason he currently has a "surplus" is because he hasn't paid his share and you're subbing him

This.

I think buying a brand new car whilst your wife is struggling to replace an old car is selfish. Why can't he put towards it?

"It all has to go back into the business" is an easy get-out clause. So his money is his, your money is family money, and he's not paying his way so of course he has surplus.

YANBU OP. It's not about him earning less - he's not a single man he has a family and should be contributing.

A few posters have come up with some good ideas. I think equal spending money each month is a good idea. All other purchases have to be agreed. I'd also want to be a bit more involved in decision making in the business as you are effectively subsidising it. I would worry that some 'essential' spending might not really be that essential and your DH might be playing somewhat at the business as he knows you are there to pay the bills so he needn't be particularly careful with his spending decisions.

I think the fundamental issue here is you now resent him. You’re the main breadwinner and carrying most of the costs, and it means you’re having to go without because of it.

I think you both need to sit down and talk. Because resentment is going to kill your marriage. He needs to acknowledge how you’re feeling and the burden you’re carrying to enable him and compromise. Not just take take take.

He needs to acknowledge how you’re feeling and the burden you’re carrying to enable him and compromise. Not just take take take.

But the OP says he earns a good wage from his business. He’s not just “taking”, is he? He’s working, just for less money.

What about if you said you’re buying a car on finance and therefore can only afford x to go into the family pot and he needs to make up the rest? He is doing the same but just presumes it’s ok. I can totally understand your resentment. He’s swanning around in a new vehicle, living off you and expecting you to continue limping on with a 13 yo car. I get businesses take time to grow but this is a piss take.

I would now tell him that you go 50 50 on everything.

Every thread about money. He earns more bills are paid in proportion/ one big pot add share what's left over.

She earns more. 50:50 spilt or he's a cocklodger. Every single thread

• Every thread about money. He earns more bills are paid in proportion/ one big pot add share what's left over.

She earns more. 50:50 spilt or he's a cocklodger. Every single thread*

Yep. Imagine a woman coming here and saying, “I run a business, earn reasonable but not amazing money but I work hard. We have kids. My DH earns a really good wage. He’s told me all expenses have to be 50:50.”

There’d be blood all over the floor.

When he decided to quit his job, which was more equal in terms of earning, to do his business I added him to my account so we had joint finances.

The crux of the issue is here. Not sure why the majority of answers have skipped over it. You are not happy long term with having to lose your prior amount of disposable income/the families prior amount of disposable income. DH obviously doesn’t mind because he gets an “adventure” out of it in being his own boss/ pursuing a career he’s more passionate about etc.

The question you need to be frank with yourself is : “how much (financially) and for how long am I /we willing to sacrifice a lesser lifestyle and me giving DH handouts to help get his business to take off?” And of course getting a business to take off can take years and years, or never happen. Once you know the answer to that, then you discuss with him.

@AStudyinPink

No I don’t think the situations are comparable: her DH chose to forego a higher wage to be his own boss/pursue his career dream - and now needs his wife/family to subsidize this. So, not comparable at all.

No I don’t think the situations are comparable: her DH chose to forego a higher wage to be his own boss/pursue his career dream - and now needs his wife/family to subsidize this. So, not comparable at all.

But again, if a woman posted, “DH and I agreed I would resign my job and start a business. I did, and it’s going fairly well but I don’t earn anything like what he earns. He’s saying all expenses now need to be 50:50.”

Come on! People would be squealing family money.

... and I say that from a mans perspective. The husband has every right to quit his previously well paid job to pursue a career he finds more satisfying etc...but then expecting the family to happily take and share the financial hit isn’t necessarily reasonable or fair. OP is clearly meeting him halfway already by upping her financial contribution - where is evidence of husbands consideration of the family unit?

The husband has every right to quit his previously well paid job to pursue a career he finds more satisfying etc...but then expecting the family to happily take and share the financial hit isn’t necessarily reasonable or fair. OP is clearly meeting him halfway already by upping her financial contribution - where is evidence of husbands consideration of the family unit?

People start businesses all the time. I’m assuming (OP hasn’t said otherwise) she didn’t resist his intentions at the start? It’s different if she was saying, “I absolutely don’t want you to quit your job, we can’t afford it and I don’t want to be the breadwinner.” I’d see it differently then. But I see no sign of that here.