Finding it hard to cut off a friend but sick of it all

[ManilaLuzon]

Known her for around 6 years. There have been good times for sure but part of me hates her and that sounds horrible I know, but she has said so much over the years.

My boyfriend says he doesn't know why I still reply to her messages and he's right. I'm just finding it hard to cut her out as I feel guilty and like I'm overreacting.

No matter what good news you have she will have to find a negative point, but she rushes to share any bit of good news she has.

Every single time someone tells her she looks young she has to tell me. Every time someone compliments her at work she has to tell me. And I react positively.

But when it's the other way round she will always try to see the negative. I've confronted her about it and she says she's just doing it 'out of concern' but I don't buy it.
She's not thick and she will do her best to find the negative.

She never asks how I am, I don't think she actually knows what job I do, she doesn't know that my boyfriend moved in. I confronted her about it and she said that I need to tell her stuff first that she isn't a mind reader. I don't buy it, it's really not hard to ask me about myself for once.

She's been chasing a taken colleague for almost 2 years despite knowing he has a girlfriend and I have to put up with daily updates and constant messages "Omg he hasn't replied for 3 hours!" "what does this message mean?!" Etc.

She's quite ok about the him cheating on the girlfriend with her. Me and others have tried several times to make her see sense, he's not interested, it's been 2 years, he has a girlfriend, it's shitty to try and break them up. She's dismissive of me having been cheated on too. But she ignores you and sends massive essays justifying it all.

She then says she hates Facebook and would delete it but has to have groups on there. Yet she still updates every time she wants compliments.

I tried to take longer to reply but she had a go at me over it.

I want to find the courage to go NC as she's done nasty stuff over the years that's too long to list here. But then a part of me feels bad as I know she's insecure.

Sorry it's so long

I think lockdown has given us all more time to reflect on these kind of relationships in our lives, sometimes you don’t realise how toxic your ‘friends’ really are as you’re too busy with life to see it.

Think you just have to step back and think - How did your friendship start? Did it used to be good and maybe she just needs to be told how you’re feeling now?

If no to above; Will it be easy to phase her out? Do you share friends/interests etc where you have no choice but to see her? If not, who messages who first - if it’s you then stop, start to take a long time to reply to her messages...she’ll get the message eventually - if not you’ll have to have ‘the Dear John conversation’

Honestly, just block her on everything.

If you can’t get the messages, you can’t respond!

Agree re the lockdown. I sound nasty I know but for 34 I find her so childish. Every single day I get messages saying this guy hasn't replied, then an hour later I'll get one telling me he's now replied.

When I had the covid vaccine all she could say was let's hope you don't get seriously ill ( I didn't) nothing positive or good at all.

I feel harsh blocking, and we also have some mutual friends plus she knows my boyfriend so she'll probably send them messages.

Maybe I'm harsh and she's genuinely doing things out of concern but I don't feel it.

Life’s really too short for this sort of stuff. Sounds like she brings nothing good into your life, so what’s the point?

I think it's time for a frank talk and an ultimatum. Next time she informs you of anything regarding this guy, text back and tell her that you're not interested in him or anything to do with him. You're bored of discussing him.
Tell you've noticed that she must be bored too of your news as she always seems to be negative. Use the example of your recent vaccination and say other friends were pleased and didn't make a snippy comment. Say lockdown has given you time to think that maybe it's time to call it a day. Tell her you wish her well, you're happy to say hello if you see her around but there's no point carrying on as neither of you is getting any joy from each other

oooh i would just lay low on your side. Dont be so available to her and see what happens. If She challenges you on it, then you can let loose on how you feel.
I think some people are so blinded by their own lives . To be honest, sounds like shes a bit jealous of you.

Friendship should be natural and you shouldnt be made feel like this. In an ideal world , going NC would be perfect but if you share mutual friends, it will just get awkward.

I have tried to lay low but she gets annoyed. Any message I reply to she will then reply to immediately and will reply to the bits I've sent before I've replied to all of it.
I do feel bad for her as she seems to think she's not attractive to men or in general and seems pretty insecure. I hope she isn't jealous but regardless she has no right to try mwkemr feel bad.

She likes your presence in her life only for the attention she can command for her own life, to see her life being attended to by you. She has no genuine connection with you the human being as an entity worthy of interest. Which means that she won't like your departure, but you are ultimately replaceable as she will latch onto some other mug. Sorry, to sound harsh, but your description of the balance in your relationship leaves little room for your role to be labelled as much else. 🙁
As I read your op, I was swinging between sympathy for you having your strings yanked by someone who wants a one way friendship, pity for her for being so needy, and irritation with you for being such a doormat (albeit one who is motivated by lots of empathy, loyalty and kindness). But people like her are leeches and will drain you entirely. This friendship survives because your drive to be a great friend far exceeds her ability to reciprocate or what she deserves.
There is no way to gently extricate yourself. It's going to have to be a deep breath and cold turkey.

OP,

I mean this kindly, but you sound really wet.

You don't like her.
She's not nice.
She's been nasty.
I don't think she likes you either.

Block her and move on.

I feel sorry for your boyfriend listening to this.
Be careful....he might start thinking you are a bit wet too.

I mean this kindly but there is nothing duller than listening to someone go on about a person they don't like but insist on keeping in contact with.

Don't be that person.

Honestly, what are you actually getting out of this friendship? If all it's doing is making you exhausted and frustrated, get rid. What would be the worst thing she could do? Surely your mutual friends must know what she's like. If not, give them a heads up as to why you're blocking her

@billy1966

OP,

I mean this kindly, but you sound really wet.

You don't like her.
She's not nice.
She's been nasty.
I don't think she likes you either.

Block her and move on.

I feel sorry for your boyfriend listening to this.
Be careful....he might start thinking you are a bit wet too.

I mean this kindly but there is nothing duller than listening to someone go on about a person they don't like but insist on keeping in contact with.

Don't be that person.

This

'Don't I look young'

'Really? I didn't think that was a flattering shot to be honest!'

'Oh you bitch'

'I'm just saying it out of concern hun. Don't want you to go around looking poorly lit'

Fuck her off!

@YoniAndGuy

'Don't I look young'

'Really? I didn't think that was a flattering shot to be honest!'

'Oh you bitch'

'I'm just saying it out of concern hun. Don't want you to go around looking poorly lit'

Fuck her off!

🤣🤣🤣

I’m in a similar position, although no real mutual friends, and I’ve found the grey rock technique works and just fading her out gradually. I’m not a fan of confrontation so don’t want to challenge her.

Basically you don’t rise to what she says/does and don’t pander to what’s she’s telling you. If she tells you something you just say something like “oh ok” and that’s it, you don’t reply with questions etc. You also become incredibly boring and so don’t reply with your news etc. Just give vague answers.

I first heard about it on MN and then found some good resources that explain it in depth online.

Underneath all your protests you actually like all this woman's nonsense, and I don't think you really want it to stop.

Because if you did, you would have already taken the simple step of ignoring her.

So either take that step right now, or cease complaining to others about this silly woman.

I should add, I do have fantasies of replying to her long monologues about some minutiae of her day similar to the stories she tells you with “why on Earth would you think I’m interested in this?”.

One day.

I voted YABU, because you are being unreasonable to continue even replying to her. Just stop already she sounds awful.

Despite what people think I'm not enjoying it, who would enjoy negative jibes ?
Its just hard after 6 years to just ignore her.

Look, you know you want rid of her. It doesn't make you "nasty".

As a PP said, you need to slowly ease her out of your life. Take longer and longer to respond to messages. Respond with one line answers. She won't like it at first. If you must come up with an excuse, say you're struggling with your mental health and need to take some time for yourself.

Then leave it a day before answering. Then two. etc etc.

You are pandering to her at the moment.

@ManilaLuzon

Despite what people think I'm not enjoying it, who would enjoy negative jibes ? Its just hard after 6 years to just ignore her.

It's only hard if you make it hard. You are considering her feelings above your own, she brings nothing positive to your relationship with her so why bother, what have you got to feel guilty about? The way she behaves towards you is her choice and it is equally your choice to allow her to continue behaving towards you like that and then getting upset. Your boyfriend is right and I am sure he is fed up of you moaning and being upset when the solution is easy and in your hands - just delete and block her on everything and don't give any further thought to her at all.

I had someone similar as a friend for many years, not the same issues, but the constant negativity and me, me, me attitude.
Big disagreement; I've never contacted her since - that was about 4 or five years ago, and I feel so much better for having done it.
I felt a bit guilty at first (surprisingly she didn't have any other friends) Now, I occasionally I wonder how she's getting on, and I genuinely hope that she is happier/more positive - but no way would I rekindle the friendship.

I feel guilty as she has hinted at depression and seems to have low self esteem but Indeed I have to consider myself too.
Baffled that some posters think I am loving it, why would I post on here if I didn't want it to stop ? It has been stressing me but I'm going to have to just bite the bullet now.

I'd be happy to talk to her if it was more balanced, but I think also I can't move on from several things she's said and done over the years, but this thread has helped me.

You need to think about yourself. She's negative towards you.
She makes snipey comments to you.
She's not interested in you.
The relationship is very unbalanced and it's all 'take' from her side and 'give ' from your's.

Your partner is going to get really fed up of this.
Just let her go and stop replying to her. Stop reading her silly messages. Better still just block her.
The friendship that you have described is not a friendship, she's feeding off you to make herself feel better. She's almost abusing you.

Let her go.