Finding it hard to cut off a friend but sick of it all

[ManilaLuzon]

Known her for around 6 years. There have been good times for sure but part of me hates her and that sounds horrible I know, but she has said so much over the years.

My boyfriend says he doesn't know why I still reply to her messages and he's right. I'm just finding it hard to cut her out as I feel guilty and like I'm overreacting.

No matter what good news you have she will have to find a negative point, but she rushes to share any bit of good news she has.

Every single time someone tells her she looks young she has to tell me. Every time someone compliments her at work she has to tell me. And I react positively.

But when it's the other way round she will always try to see the negative. I've confronted her about it and she says she's just doing it 'out of concern' but I don't buy it.
She's not thick and she will do her best to find the negative.

She never asks how I am, I don't think she actually knows what job I do, she doesn't know that my boyfriend moved in. I confronted her about it and she said that I need to tell her stuff first that she isn't a mind reader. I don't buy it, it's really not hard to ask me about myself for once.

She's been chasing a taken colleague for almost 2 years despite knowing he has a girlfriend and I have to put up with daily updates and constant messages "Omg he hasn't replied for 3 hours!" "what does this message mean?!" Etc.

She's quite ok about the him cheating on the girlfriend with her. Me and others have tried several times to make her see sense, he's not interested, it's been 2 years, he has a girlfriend, it's shitty to try and break them up. She's dismissive of me having been cheated on too. But she ignores you and sends massive essays justifying it all.

She then says she hates Facebook and would delete it but has to have groups on there. Yet she still updates every time she wants compliments.

I tried to take longer to reply but she had a go at me over it.

I want to find the courage to go NC as she's done nasty stuff over the years that's too long to list here. But then a part of me feels bad as I know she's insecure.

I'd just tell her to bugger off. Although would be tempted to tell her how pathetic she looks going after a guy for two years who isn't interested and she still hasn't taken the hint. But what's the point, she's too daft to realise.

Call her out on everything, it's actually really pleasing to do and she'll get so pissed off with you pointing out how selfish she's being she'll dump you 😁
X said I look young- did you realise that you haven't asked how I am in 3 weeks?
Y hasn't text back- I'm not interested, he isn't single, why haven't you asked me how my partner and I are doing?
Oh I'm feeling so down- I'm sorry to hear that, but so am I, I've got xx and yy going on.
I'm going to x next week- that's nice, I'm doing y.
Says something negative- why are you being negative about it- oh it's for your own good- well I'd rather you didn't do that. I want my friends to be supportive

Turn around every conversation to you instead, point out when she doesn't ask you about your life, if she gets mad just tell her you don't have time and you're off.

As an aside, I used to work with someone like this. I tried once that every time she said something about herself, I replied with a comment on something about myself. We had a conversation for about an hour just spouting facts about ourselves before she gave in and asked something about me 😁

Block and walk away

If she has depression then its for her to figure out, get treatment. Her mh is not your responsibility. Your own actions are your responsibility. You dont owe her anything. If you dont want to talk to her then dont. Dont reply to texts.

Have you not already put up a post about this friend? I am pretty sure you have already been told to block her but you seem to want to keep this toxic friendship going. You don't like her and she loves putting you down to make herself feel better. Block her and get on with your life.

I’m not convinced all these posters who are telling you to just get on with it will have actually blocked a friend of many years and never spoken to them again. Most people go for the slow phase out.

OP, I’m in a similar position with someone I’ve been friends with for 17 years. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. I’m godmother to her kid, my mum buys her kid Christmas and birthday presents. She’s different to your friend in that there are no positives. Everything is about how bad things are for her, how she has it much worse than we do. If I complain about something or mentioning something bothering me, she steam rolls in with how she has much worse. For example, I’ve had some issues with my job but at least I’ve got a job. I can’t complain about a sexist environment or how the business uses my work for social media likes but actually doesn’t give a shit about what I do and have actively challenged what I do because she can’t work and would love to

I’m doing the slow phase out. I don’t post often enough on social media for her to realise if I block her, although I’m not buying from ‘her’ business (body shop) and that’s been noted. It’s hard and draining while she loses interest in you. Yes, you feel awful cutting contact especially if there’s something negative in her life like depression but you have to do it sometimes.

I recently cut off an emotionally abusive, manipulative friend (he suffers from depression and would send me streams of abusive messages whenever he was feeling down. It was literally making me ill). I started by explaining why his behaviour was unacceptable. He of course refused to acknowledge this and tried to twist things to make me seem like the bad one so I just blocked him. I should have done it a lot sooner tbh and then my 30th birthday wouldn't have been ruined by him but nvm. A mutual friend who I really valued has taken his side and it's all really upset me. I know I'll get over it though and it's a huge relief knowing he can't contact/harass me anymore.
You could take a similar approach of telling her exactly what you find unacceptable about her behaviour . She may not even be aware of how she's coming across. It can be quite cathartic to get it off your chest and will give you some practise at being more assertive. Or you could just block her. It seems that something needs to give though - friendships are supposed to be enjoyable and she is bringing nothing but negativity and stress to your life.

Maybe you can't bring yourself to simply block. The easiest alternative is to get her to block you. Start responding appropriately instead of wetly. Comment on her rudeness etc, never let it slide. She'll soon block you.

Yabu not to block her! She sounds horrible. Life is too short. You owe her nothing OP.

She sounds annoying and if you partly hate her then yes, time to bow out.

It's not easy to do but if you start ignoring her messages and post sparingly to say you're busy she may just get the message.

I mean, it's either that or do the grown up thing and just tell her she's pissing you off and you're stepping away from the friendship.

Sounds like a ball ache though

YABU to allow anyone to treat you like this.

I had a friend a bit like this. Very self-obsessed.

The only way to get rid of them is to be the baddy in some way. Usually just by putting your own needs or wants first will be enough.

Your friendship is only surviving because you are willing to engage and fulfil the role you have been assigned. You have to stop. Just stop.

She will have a hissy fit, send you 3000+ messages telling you what an awful person you are, implode and then it's done. She will dump you faster than you can imagine.

It's hard enough maintaining friendships with good friends, why would you waste your head space and energies on such a self-absorbed person?

I bet she doesn't behave like this with everyone, just the 'friends' she sees as inferior and will therefore tolerate this.

It's not hard to ignore her. Never been easier now people only communicate via text. Just block her.
I don't understand all these weird MN 'friendships' between people who clearly can't stand each other. In my life friends like each other - some mean more to you than others, but we all seem to get on without drama and squabbles.

Thanks all you've helped a lot

Disregard the chasing of the committed beau and you've just described my mother.

She sounds unhappy. Putting you down & chasing someone she can't have is because she has low self worth. Happy people don't put others down & they realise they deserve someone available. She's self sabotaging, chasing what she can't have it replaying a dynamic in her childhood where an adult was emotionally unavailable. Just reply vaguely with a one liner if she contacts you & it will die a death.

She isn't really a friend, she sees you as a willing audience to act out fantasies about how she wants her life to be perceived. You allow her to do this because you don't project much about yourself and don't call her on her bullshit.

Without meaning to be nasty, you're actually enabling this: in a way she's actually right with this comment about how she didn't know you'd moved in with your boyfriend; you didn't tell her, you just expect her to be more empathetic than she is. She's not: she's not that sort of person and you are never going to get this sort of mutually supportive relationship from her.

You have to decide if you want a relationship with her which is based on her seeing you as the junior partner, listening post and sounding board. It doesn't sound very equal or rewarding. And she sounds like a bit of a cow. But to be fair you could have set ground rules for this a long time ago if you'd had more balls.

I would fuck her off tbh. But I think it might be worth thinking in a bit more depth about why you are happy to have such subsidiary role in friendships. Being more assertive about who you are and what you need is likely to help you with friendships in the long run.

You hate her? Harsh. Is there a reason you cant just block and move on?

I look back at my life and regret all the toxic friendships I didn’t have the guts to end sooner.

Let it go, in whichever way works best for you.

Your allowed to not reply.
Give yourself permission to let go.
Don't worry about her metal health it is NOT your Circus.
Change her name on your phone.
Honest that helps, Something like Moaner.

It does sound harsh but she has done and said some awful stuff to me over the years and has gossiped about me to mutual friends. I went away with her for a few days and later found out she had spent the week laughing at me to a mutual friend.
She also threw my laptop.
We were in an unfamiliar city where a friend lived and I had offered to go to get stuff from a supermarket. Ended up getting lost and phoned had died was quite scary in an unfamiliar place even though I was sure I would be ok.
The friend we were visiting came to look for me with his girlfriend, the friend in the OP just sat there laughing and didn't bother to ask if I had been ok or anything, just told another friend how funny it was.
Just tons of stuff like that.
Totally agree with other posters that I've enabled this and lacked assertiveness and hopefully I will act differently in future friendships.

The thing is when she screenshots me texts she sends to this bloke she sounds all friendly and interested, like a totally different person tbh.

Yeah, you know though op.

You don't need to block her but you also don't need to be friends

Just don't reply to her messages or send late very brief replies / say you are busy

Eg she says "Someone told me today how young I look"

You "sorry busy with work at the moment"

Or two days later "sorry been busy with work. Hope all okay with you"