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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Finding it hard to cut off a friend but sick of it all

76 replies

ManilaLuzon · 11/02/2021 12:23

Known her for around 6 years. There have been good times for sure but part of me hates her and that sounds horrible I know, but she has said so much over the years.

My boyfriend says he doesn't know why I still reply to her messages and he's right. I'm just finding it hard to cut her out as I feel guilty and like I'm overreacting.

No matter what good news you have she will have to find a negative point, but she rushes to share any bit of good news she has.

Every single time someone tells her she looks young she has to tell me. Every time someone compliments her at work she has to tell me. And I react positively.

But when it's the other way round she will always try to see the negative. I've confronted her about it and she says she's just doing it 'out of concern' but I don't buy it.
She's not thick and she will do her best to find the negative.

She never asks how I am, I don't think she actually knows what job I do, she doesn't know that my boyfriend moved in. I confronted her about it and she said that I need to tell her stuff first that she isn't a mind reader. I don't buy it, it's really not hard to ask me about myself for once.

She's been chasing a taken colleague for almost 2 years despite knowing he has a girlfriend and I have to put up with daily updates and constant messages "Omg he hasn't replied for 3 hours!" "what does this message mean?!" Etc.

She's quite ok about the him cheating on the girlfriend with her. Me and others have tried several times to make her see sense, he's not interested, it's been 2 years, he has a girlfriend, it's shitty to try and break them up. She's dismissive of me having been cheated on too. But she ignores you and sends massive essays justifying it all.

She then says she hates Facebook and would delete it but has to have groups on there. Yet she still updates every time she wants compliments.

I tried to take longer to reply but she had a go at me over it.

I want to find the courage to go NC as she's done nasty stuff over the years that's too long to list here. But then a part of me feels bad as I know she's insecure.

OP posts:

Whythesadface · 12/02/2021 19:24

Your her sounding board, someone she can talk to about the man, because no one else cares, including him.
Just ignore all her messages.
Do not reply at all.
You know you want to do this, she brings no joy to your life.
Do not even mention her to your BF.

Fuckityfucksake · 12/02/2021 19:34

Urgh she sounds like a joy leech.
If you won't block then I would personally start ignoring her. When/if she asks why tell her that you're done with her negativity and wish to be left alone because her craic bores you to tears.
She will then block you.
Job done.

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 12/02/2021 19:41

Block.

It's not difficult. If you were really hating this you'd be shot of her already. It's not difficult.

Block her.

Tigerstripe20 · 12/02/2021 19:44

This is classic toxic behaviour, all about them and sucks the life out of you.
She doesn’t like you she’s not a friend, laughs at you etc
Get rid of her and your life will be much better and you will wonder why you stuck it so long

notanothertakeaway · 12/02/2021 19:50

I honestly don't understand how people get into these situations. Time and again, I see threads here where people say "this person treats me like shit but I don't know what to do"

Why do people become friends with folk like that in the first place?! People I meet, we like each other and a friendship develops, OR they're not so nice and I don't make an effort to get to know them better (and, quite possibly, other people feel the same about me. That's ok)

Once, and once only, a friend insulted my husband. She was out of order. He was upset. Without anyone really discussing it, we distanced ourselves. If I see her in passing we're polite and friendly, but we make no effort to meet up. No drama

I have a mix of casual acquaintances and closer friends. I wouldn't want to become friends with someone who doesn't make me feel good about myself

Shelby2010 · 12/02/2021 19:52

I quite like the idea of sending completely random replies or even just single emojis.

Her: long spiel about herself
You: I had tomato soup for lunch
Her: more self-centred crap
You: Random animal emoji/picture 🐞

Then come back and tell us whether she notices. Then block her.

MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere · 12/02/2021 19:58

You've explained how you feel and given her chances to improve. She's not interested in changing. You don't have to stay friends with someone forever, especially when they don't behave like a friend.

1Morewineplease · 12/02/2021 20:06

She only texts you because she wants self glory. She wants adulation. She wants justification for her needs and wants.
She doesn't want you.
She's just using you and you know it. Your partner has told you as much.
Cut her off. Block her. It doesn't matter what others think. If anyone does say anything just say that you've had enough of being leeched by her .
You just don't need this stupidity in your life.
Cut her loose.

ReadWritePlay · 12/02/2021 20:07

I’ve been where you are OP and it’s hard.

What you need to do is find a way to make peace with the following. If you block her (which you should)

She will be upset
she will gossip about you
she will say mean things
she will act out

BUT you will still be better off in the end despite all those things.

There is no middle ground here in which you will redraw healthy boundaries and she won’t try and drag your name through the mud. Make peace with that then do what you need to do for yourself

Original poster

ManilaLuzon · 12/02/2021 20:17

I haven't replied now to her message for a couple of days so it's a start. I will think about my next words to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

ManilaLuzon · 12/02/2021 20:27

When I moved into a studio in a shared property with 4 guys: "Wow, yep that's gonna be hard."

When someone said that me and a mutual male friend would make a nice couple: " Well that reminds me of when he helped me when I was drunk and my friend totally thought he fancied me." "I get more friend vibes anyway from you and him."

when I got a new TA job: "I see, so is it just part time then?"

When the old job threw me a leaving party: "They do that for anybody who's leaving"
Etc etc

It's hard though because she has been there for me before too and there have been really good moments and this is why I've found it hard I think.

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 12/02/2021 20:48

I doubt the actual Manila would put up with all that sh*t. Be unavailable, she will get bored and find another person to put down. Good luck

Original poster

ManilaLuzon · 12/02/2021 20:55

You're right, she wouldn't

OP posts:

Whythesadface · 12/02/2021 21:15

If you must reply maybe ask her why she is chasing someone who doesn't want her and wasting her life?
The hide.
But really she is using you to gossip with to make herself feel good, it never seems to be about you being the one bigged up, in putting you down she ups her own self worth.
If she downs you just turn it back on her.
Living with 4 Guys, OMG it's ace there is always beer.
The guy fancying you, Well I think he thinks we are both just his friends, besides I fancy...xxx
New TA job, yes I love the hours.
Giving you a party, I know I was so lucky to work somewhere so lovely..

Wide · 12/02/2021 21:23

I blocked a friend before, this was years ago now. We were a group of girks and one girl would always make up the most random stories, the rest of us could all see it and would comment on how bizarre her behaviour was. We all met up to celebrate my engagement, this friend turned up and the first thing she said was I've booked mt wedding date after not even speaking about it once dueing her 3 year engagement, my baby shower she announced she was pregnant, she used to make up that our children had had fallings out at playgrounds, I had enough in the end and went no contact even though one friend begged me not to as I would ruin the circle even though she had slagged her off for years, anyway I stopped talking to her and all the other girls ended up distancing from me and we haven't spoken for years but no point in putting up with bullshit. She sounds jealous of you

RealisticSketch · 12/02/2021 22:04

I have a family member who is a bit like your friend. Haven't cut her off entirely as she is family and it's more complicated... But I don't let her into my life like you are doing, it's strictly arms length, and diffuse the hurt by having a sense of humour about her... Her nickname is the Hoj.... Hoover of joy.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/02/2021 22:35

OP you're not really taking any of this on board are you?

This person isn't your friend: she's someone who uses you to act stuff out on. She's not someone you can rely on or who will make you feel good about yourself.

You don't have to block her or have a big drama with her, you can just withdraw. As someone else pointed out, when she keeps bothering you with snippets about her affair or witless remarks about what people say about her looks, just don't respond. You don't have to take a position on this drivel. Just extricate yourself from it.

And if she forces a confrontation you can give it to her both barrels. But odds are she doesn't like having assertive or independent friends, she will find another victim.

Sorry but life is just too short. Friends should be people who bring joy to your life, who support you etc. Not people who see you as walk-on parts in their dramas.

BlueThistles · 12/02/2021 22:37

Ditch the Bitch.. Block and Walk OP 🌺

AllMyPrettyOnes · 12/02/2021 22:42

I had a friend of two years like this.

Every single conversation was negative - they couldn't ever dredge up anything positive, yet never took the advice I constantly gave them to help improve their life.

I stopped answering. It dragged me down so much.

Life is too short

coronafiona · 12/02/2021 22:50

Mute her messages and don't bother to reply for days. She'll go, eventually.

hannayeah · 12/02/2021 23:24

You don’t seem like the type to be able to just ghost someone, no matter how toxic.

Just tell her
“I don’t enjoy our interactions, so I’m taking a break from our friendship. I didn’t want to just block you or fail to respond. It’s just not healthy or enjoyable lately.”

You’ll probably get a load of insults but she can’t argue that you are enjoying it.

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 13/02/2021 01:13

@coronafiona

Mute her messages and don't bother to reply for days. She'll go, eventually.

Yep. If OP ignores her, she'll leave of her own accord as she'll no longer have an audience.

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/02/2021 11:18

@AllMyPrettyOnes

I had a friend of two years like this.

Every single conversation was negative - they couldn't ever dredge up anything positive, yet never took the advice I constantly gave them to help improve their life.

I stopped answering. It dragged me down so much.

Life is too short

Yup, we don't need energy vampires in our lives!

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/02/2021 11:20

@ManilaLuzon

I haven't replied now to her message for a couple of days so it's a start. I will think about my next words to her.

Good start! She's an energy vampire, and it's time for a stake to the heart!

Thack · 13/02/2021 11:25

This is an abusive relationship. Designed to erode your confidence and give her a boost from you being dependant on her.
The hints of depression are typical of this-putting the guilt on to you.

If this was a relationship everyone here would tell you to LTB.
Look after yourself - this needs to end.

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