Thinking DH should take a turn?

[RWK29]

Really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here...

DH works away from home - 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Have 1 DC at a few months old. Exclusively breastfed until 12 weeks, now on formula.
Baby is not a great sleeper...only naps properly during the day being held - we are working on this but I’m sure anyone who has dealt with this knows how exhausting it is constantly having to resettle baby 😓 some nights needs “shhhh’d” back to sleep every 30-40 minutes, other nights will sleep for about 2/3 hours at a time. Was feeding 3x per night when BF, now feeds 10/11pm, 2/3am then wakes at 7am.
I have no help at all when DH is at work. His last trip away coincided with a major growth spurt for baby and we were having major feeding issues meaning I was having to pump every 3 hours day and night so I was getting around 90 minutes of broken sleep a night, and couldn’t nap during the day as baby would scream when out down and just wanted to be cuddled 😓 needless to say, after 2 weeks of that I was so tired I felt physically ill.

When DH is home he is completely off work, no other commitments.
Would you expect him to take a turn at the night feeds to let you catch up on sleep? 🤔 I’ve never been a great sleeper so I’ve always got by on very little sleep and just managed to crack on with the day as that’s just what needs done, whereas he seems to need a decent nights sleep to be able to function or else his whole next day is ruined.
DH will say “I’ll take the feeds tonight and let you sleep”....amazing! Then it gets to midnight and I can hear him huffing and puffing, lots of yawning etc so I take back over because he’s too tired 🙄 or he’ll continue until the 2am feed then I’ll take over and he’ll sleep until lunchtime the next day to catch up. He always goes to the spare room too so he can get a proper sleep.

AIBU to think he should just deal with being tired like I have to? 😬 surely it’s part of being a new parent? 🙈

If you swapped roles as a loving and caring partner and father. You are home for two weeks, would you think you needed sleep more than your partner who hasn’t slept for months? Wouldn’t you say I take the 11pm and 3am shift you sleep 9-7 and I have a lay in the morning. Or would you say suck it up?

No, I didn’t think so

YANBU - This needs to be teamwork. You don’t have the option to take yourself away to the spare room. When do you get to rest and catch up on sleep? This isn’t sustainable, you will run yourself into the ground like this. He needs to step up, stop the huffing, puffing and moaning and pitch in when he is home.

Of course he should help. He is very selfish. Please, if you haven't already sought medical advice, speak to your HV and GP about reflux and possible allergies/ intolerance.

Teamwork.

When he's home id set a rota so it's clear for all involved and he knows when it's his shift. He might be dreading it as he thinks this is him for 2 full weeks them back to work so show you want to share the burden or night waking.

I did day on day off with my oh but maybe 2 days on 2 days off in your situ might be more beneficial for both of you? And i would make a spare room deal that whoever is off duty gets to sleep there and whoever is on does the full shift

He's going to need to take time off work if you completely break down. Better using his free time to look after his wife and make it possible for him to go off again (to his work, and unbroken sleep).

He needs to grow up.

Go sleep in the spare room. I'd expect him to do the first couple of nights when he gets home and then every other night with alternating lie ins.

Seriously, stop facilitating him. I know it's shot for baby screaming for food because his dad is being a dick, but it will be worse long term having a disengaged father who literally isn't there half his life and figuratively isn't there half of the rest of it.

You doing tonight Jack? Great. I'm off to the spare room and putting ear plugs in, I'm exhausted. Set your alarm for the 7 am feed but the following day he does the same, or you set it for 8, he does the 7 am feed and he gets a lie in and the same in reverse.
When you do the night feeds, if he isn't up at the agreed 7 or 8 am, take baby into him and wake him up then go back to bed.
Up by 10. Give him the baby and go for a shower / pop to the shop etc.

@Punching I know I don’t necessarily have to...but I struggle getting back to sleep knowing that he’s tired 😅 irrational mum fear that he’s going to fall asleep with baby 🙈

@TheresOnlyOneJackieWeaver I really feel bad complaining because he’s amazing in every other way! Does his fair share of cooking/cleaning etc, generally looks out for me and is normally super considerate and is amazing with DC. It’s just this one issue that’s starting to wind me up 😳

@chestnutSquash Currently on medication for reflux 😓 that’s why we were having so many issues with feeding. Wouldn’t take the medication from a syringe and started refusing the boob so I was expressing like a crazy woman to try and bottle feed him expressed milk with his medication mixed in but I couldn’t keep up with his demand unfortunately and had to transition to formula.

normally super considerate then lay it out in really clear words.

When you are away o get 90 minutes sleep a DAY. I am beyond exhausted. I need you to do more. I need you to do a couple of nights when you get home where it's you 9-7 and then have a lie, that's fine. Then I need you to do alt nights 11-7 until you go back to work.

Even just I'm exhausted, it's 1 pm, I'm off for a nap. She's due a feed at 3. Do not wake me up unless it is URGENT

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown @SleepingStandingUp I should add that I’d never expect him to do the first few days when he gets home. He works very long and difficult hours when he’s away. Anything from 12-16 hours per day, works every day that he’s away, and constantly switched between day and night shift during the one trip. He comes home ruined and needs a few days to catch up which is completely understandable! I’m more than happy doing the night feeds and waking the majority of the time! One night a week just to let me have a solid sleep would be more than fine for me 😅

I'm going to sum it up - D'uh!!! I bet when he's working away from home, he gets mandatory rest periods so that he doesn't get fatigued. Mums don't get that. Especially when dads aren't home. This needs to be spelled out.

If the medication isn't working, do go back to GP. Sometimes it takes a few goes.

Ok if he's coming back exhausted and you can cope then yes he gets the first few days instead. But I'd say if he's home 14 days, he should do about 6 overnights. So day1-2 is you, he does 3, 5, 7, 8, 10, 12 and then a couple of nights sleep before work. He needs to know how to care for his child. If you break a leg tomorrow and end up on hospital he'll have to do it. So he can do it now.

What reflux meds is baby on op?

@chestnutSquash @SleepingStandingUp he’s on infant gaviscon. It seems to be working really well for him. He’s stopped being sick aside from the normal baby sick once in a while if he guzzles or over eats a bit! Nappies all fine. He’s absolutely fine being put down on his back etc...he’s just a really restless sleeper 😓 he doesn’t seem to be able to always get himself over into the next sleep cycle so needs to be resettled. Some nights he manages great and other nights he struggles.

I’d sleep in the spare room with white noise playing and a ban on even whispering outside the door until 9am. Remind him you solo parent for long long stretches and his respite is your only chance to get a stretch of sleep. That he seems to think doing a single night of it needs a long catch up, if he can’t help you get some catch up after months, the only option you see is he takes a month off work to support you, as he isn’t supporting you enough for you to have any energy banks to get through the next solo stint.

My dh took a long time to take me seriously that not helping overnights was risking our marriage. Now he knows that next baby if he isn’t helping I will stab him with a fork the whole time I am awake every night and see if he changes his views on sharing shifts.

" He works very long and difficult hours when he’s away. Anything from 12-16 hours per day, works every day that he’s away, and constantly switched between day and night shift during the one trip."

Whereas you work 22.5 hours of the day, every day, whether he's there or not, constantly on a shift that encompasses both night and day. Every day.

I'm really not seeing his shift pattern as more arduous than yours.

You can't keep up this pace. Your health will break down, and then where would he and the baby be? Having to do it all without you. You need sleep. He needs to step up.

I expect he's telling himself that you manage whilst he's away, so surely you must be able to continue with this punishing schedule whilst he's here too? He simply isn't seeing that you are on your knees and currently running on empty - although IMO, that's wilful blindness on his part. A CHOICE. He doesn't want to see, because that would inconvenience him .

You need to take away his choice to ignore your exhaustion. Spell it out. Point out that you are at breaking point and then he'll have to do it all. He huffs and puffs? Tough shit. Just take yourself off to the spare room with some earplugs.

You need to prioritise your health over everything else whilst he's home. And that includes over the baby crying. He needs to deal with that whilst you SLEEP.

[quote RWK29]**@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown* @SleepingStandingUp* I should add that I’d never expect him to do the first few days when he gets home. He works very long and difficult hours when he’s away. Anything from 12-16 hours per day, works every day that he’s away, and constantly switched between day and night shift during the one trip. He comes home ruined and needs a few days to catch up which is completely understandable! I’m more than happy doing the night feeds and waking the majority of the time! One night a week just to let me have a solid sleep would be more than fine for me 😅[/quote]
I don’t think I understand

You’re not sleeping and you’re on call to your baby 24/7, so you should continue to do that,
Except for one night a week.

But he works 12-16 hours, followed by a full nights sleep, and so he needs several days to rest and recover from that?

Would you or he agree to this routine if you were in his shoes and he were in yours?
When he’s on his several resting days do you huff and puff and disturb him whilst he’s sleeping?

He’s having an absolute laugh, and you’re asking for one night, which frankly is insulting to you, and he can’t even give you that.

I expect he's telling himself that you manage whilst he's away, so surely you must be able to continue with this punishing schedule whilst he's here too? He simply isn't seeing that you are on your knees and currently running on empty - although IMO, that's wilful blindness on his part. A CHOICE. He doesn't want to see, because that would inconvenience him angry.

Yes but at the same time as he thinks you’re fine when he’s not there so don’t need him, he also thinks he needs serious recovery time from HIS shifts. Not he’s fine for his shifts so he doesn’t need the break two weeks. It’s quite a deliberate choice to not think about you.

Take yourself off to the spare room and leave him to it. When I was exclusively pumping for my baby my OH got up and did every feed/resettle while I pumped on a Friday and Saturday night despite working a 60 hour week in a stressful job. He did not need to be told that I was exhausted and at the end of my tether by the end of his working week. My work as a mother didn’t stop for the weekend so why would his job as a father?

As a matter of interest is he likely to work that roster long term? In my experience working away like that when you have a family is often the end of a marriage. One party effectively functions as a single parent for a good portion of the time and when the other one returns they either sit on their arse or try to take over and interfere with the pre-existing routine/parenting style. I’ve seen it and loads of marriages because FIFO is so common here.

@Crikeycroc his schedule changes all the time depending on contracts. Can be anything from 2-6weeks on then always the same length off. Definitely long term, has been doing it for 9 of the 10 years we’ve been together so it’s normal to us now, although I appreciate that it’s very very different when children are involved!!

Why aren't you furious with him? He is watching you be sleep deprived and just turning over and luxuriating.

How has his life changed since you had the baby? It really doesn't sound like it's been affected at all.

Why on earth don't you go to the spare room when he is huffing and puffing?

Of course he should prioritise your sleep, what a selfish man.

Thanks everyone for your advice 🙈 I’ll definitely have a chat with him. If I’m completely honest I probably haven’t been vocal enough about how much I need more sleep and I think it’s just a complete oversight on his part. I’ve never been a good sleeper...I averaged around 4 hours broken sleep per night pre-pregnancy so me not sleeping is absolutely nothing new. Most of the time when he does get up with baby, I’m already awake anyway just because I can’t sleep.
Definitely needing more sleep now though 😅 hats off to all single parents because it is exhausting 🙈
I know it sounds from my post that he’s a horror and I’m really not just making excuses for him - he’s an amazing person and if anything he usually goes above and beyond to make sure I’m ok 🙈 I think it’s more a case of lack of communication on my part and definitely some ignorance on his part as to how hard it is on your own, especially when topped with all the hormones etc 😳

It is frustrating just how ridiculously undemanding you are being. “Oh I don’t mind him needing a few days to catch up on rest as long as I can just have one night where I maybe get a bit of sleep”. FFS grow a backbone OP. Your “shift work” is a hundred times more punishing and tiring than his. Why on earth are you giving him a few days to recover? And why is he “amazing” because he does his fair share of housework? That is not “amazing” it should be pretty bog standard.

A grown man is perfectly capable of doing ‘women’s work’. Many of them just don’t want to.