Thinking DH should take a turn?

[RWK29]

Really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here...

DH works away from home - 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Have 1 DC at a few months old. Exclusively breastfed until 12 weeks, now on formula.
Baby is not a great sleeper...only naps properly during the day being held - we are working on this but I’m sure anyone who has dealt with this knows how exhausting it is constantly having to resettle baby 😓 some nights needs “shhhh’d” back to sleep every 30-40 minutes, other nights will sleep for about 2/3 hours at a time. Was feeding 3x per night when BF, now feeds 10/11pm, 2/3am then wakes at 7am.
I have no help at all when DH is at work. His last trip away coincided with a major growth spurt for baby and we were having major feeding issues meaning I was having to pump every 3 hours day and night so I was getting around 90 minutes of broken sleep a night, and couldn’t nap during the day as baby would scream when out down and just wanted to be cuddled 😓 needless to say, after 2 weeks of that I was so tired I felt physically ill.

When DH is home he is completely off work, no other commitments.
Would you expect him to take a turn at the night feeds to let you catch up on sleep? 🤔 I’ve never been a great sleeper so I’ve always got by on very little sleep and just managed to crack on with the day as that’s just what needs done, whereas he seems to need a decent nights sleep to be able to function or else his whole next day is ruined.
DH will say “I’ll take the feeds tonight and let you sleep”....amazing! Then it gets to midnight and I can hear him huffing and puffing, lots of yawning etc so I take back over because he’s too tired 🙄 or he’ll continue until the 2am feed then I’ll take over and he’ll sleep until lunchtime the next day to catch up. He always goes to the spare room too so he can get a proper sleep.

AIBU to think he should just deal with being tired like I have to? 😬 surely it’s part of being a new parent? 🙈

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease Honest answer...I’m an overbearing new mum who doesn’t want to leave her baby’s side 😅 it’s probably half my fault for never wanting to leave baby 😳 does that get easier?! I can’t imagine ever being happy being in a different room from him for more than 10 minutes 🤣

@RWK29 Lol not at all. I was just like that with my first baby- you've just reminded me of that!

@Rockettrain oh god, I didn’t mean that he’s amazing because he does a bit of housework 😳🤣 hes a grown man - he’s more than capable of doing his fair share! And never has to be asked to, I should add!!
I will stick up for him I’m on the needing a few days to recover. I know he’d be an absolute mess if he never got some rest after a work trip! The hours and working conditions really take their toll on him - he only remains in the industry because it gives us such a comfortable life financially and it would be difficult to match it in a “normal” job.
I definitely need to be more demanding on the night time help though.

Sorry, I also had a slightly bewildered laugh at his 'so arduous' shift pattern where he gets somewhere between 8-14 hours off a day, which leaves him so exhausted on his return that in the two weeks he could maybe only do 1-2 nights, compared with your getting 1.5hrs off a day and keeping it up for 28 out of 30 nights.

I was going to say he should do about 2/3rds of nights when he's home, but as a minimum half (which means you doing 3/4 overall).

Having a penis does not mean he deserves more sleep than you.

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease 🤣🤣 glad it’s not just me!! Hadn’t been for a nice long relaxing bath since baby had been born...decided last weekend when DH got home was the time. DH made a lovely dinner, ran me a lovely bath, fresh jammies, face mask, hair mask. BLISS 😍...Lasted 10 minutes before I needed to get out because I missed my little ones face and just needed to know what he was up to 🙈😅 he’s a baby...he wasn’t up to anything except having cuddles with his daddy 🙄🤣

@Clymene

Why aren't you furious with him? He is watching you be sleep deprived and just turning over and luxuriating.

How has his life changed since you had the baby? It really doesn't sound like it's been affected at all.

Yes this - be furious! Mine started helping at night when I told him about 2am I wanted to strangle him, as he offered help and rolled back over to go to sleep yet again. (zero chance my fingers could actually inflict damage on his large neck for those who are worried)

When you talk to him, raise the question of his job. Say I didn’t realise how hard parenting would be or how alone I would feel with you away for work and when you’re home assuming I don’t need you as I cope when you’re away. We may have to think of what other jobs you could do, as I really didn’t sign on to bring up our family solo, while you work then recover from working then after you’ve had days of good nights sleep help me get a few hours and think that will do me for the next month. It won’t do you so why is it supposed to be enough for me?
It may help shock him into realising this is supposed to be a partnership.

@Babyboomtastic I will defend him on being exhausted after a work trip. It’s hard to appreciate without knowing the ins and outs of the job. He’s offshore and and does get usually around 8-10 hours “off” in a 24 hour period. However, those hours are not always together and he can still be called at any time to jump onto a different shift pattern. Eg, works 14 hours from 6pm-8am, then based on weather etc the shift pattern needs to change so he then works maybe midday that same day to midnight. Shift pattern probably changes on average 2/3 times a week when he’s away so he genuinely doesn’t know night from day when he comes home.
I know my job at home is exhausting and there’s no excuse for him not pulling his weight at night when he’s here but he definitely does have a hard shift pattern!

Take turns. He can do alternate nights. You can sleep in the spare room alternate nights. Who ever has the baby gets the sleep in the next morning

I know being on the rigs is bloody hard (I assume that's what he does). But that doesn't mean he gets 14 nights of uninterrupted sleep when he's off now because you have a baby who doesn't sleep. So he needs to take most of that load when he's able.

You need him to do this for your sake and for your son's. You. Ei g crippled with exhaustion is helpful for either of you. And he might sleep better if you're not there too, you never know.

So my DH has a normal 9 to 5 job but has quite a long commute and is one of those people that really struggles with broken sleep. He can also sleep through anything whereas I'm a light sleeper and wake at DD's every whimper. Also I'm an exclusive pumper (DD fed only breast milk but via a bottle... Long story) so I have to get up twice at night anyway.

All this has combined to mean that I do every single night. How do I cope? DH does every single weekday evening and every single weekend day, and I sleep in blissful quiet while he has her downstairs. My mum also comes once a week for three hours to let me catch up more (the only family support we have).

Why don't you do something similar? Continue doing nights but leave baby with your husband in the daytime to catch up? Fair enough to leave him recover for a few days when he's first back, but after that you can be night shift and he can be day shift.

@CoalCraft That would be an ideal solution for us too but unfortunately I REALLY struggle to sleep during the day. I have tried plenty of times and can maybe manage a half hour nap but usually just feel worse after it. Definitely something I’ll keep trying with though.
We do also have family close by, however they’ve all chosen to take covid rules very lightly so we are not allowing them around us of our baby.

@Clymene Not on the rigs but he’s in the same industry. The rigs have very strict rest periods which unfortunately don’t apply to DHs role!!
He does do some feeds, he just seems to really really struggle with doing a full night for some reason 🤷🏻‍♀️

The fact that your DH struggles to do a whole night with a baby implies that his shifts really can’t be that tough. If they were then a night of interrupted sleep would be similar to what he’s used to.

My DH has a very demanding job and often works lots of night shifts or has to go away for a while. When he is back at home he does the lion's share of childcare/night wakings because he knows it's tough for me when I'm on my own with the DC for days/nights on end.

If he came home and left it all to me then I would probably just get a divorce. What would be the point in him? You're supposed to be a team and try to make each other's life easier and share the load. If you're doing everything yourself then you may as well just be a single parent.

Why aren’t you sleeping in the spare bedroom?

@PeggyHill

My DH has a very demanding job and often works lots of night shifts or has to go away for a while. When he is back at home he does the lion's share of childcare/night wakings because he knows it's tough for me when I'm on my own with the DC for days/nights on end.

If he came home and left it all to me then I would probably just get a divorce. What would be the point in him? You're supposed to be a team and try to make each other's life easier and share the load. If you're doing everything yourself then you may as well just be a single parent.

I was going to say this. If he is used to getting up at all times of day/night then his body clock is most likely shot to pieces. My DH's certainly was when he did crazy shifts. But as a result if you say to him "you need to be on call tonight (is baby crying), I'm off to sleep in the spare room" he shouldn't have any issue at all getting his head in gear for a night of baby duty. The fact that he's "struggling" means he doesn't give baby duty the same weighting as his work. He should be getting the same adrenalin kick for night feeds as he does for the phone call to say he is needed on shift. Maybe try having him do full night shifts, and then gets a nap in the morning. By the sounds of it he can cope on 4 or so hours sleep caught at all times of day or night, so I suggest he puts that in to action.

OP, you are still giving him a huge amount of penis privilege. You have zero pattern to your sleep, so you lose out there comparatively too.

If he gets 5hrs broken a night and you get 2 he's broken a night, then how can you still be subsidising his sleep when he gets home. It's pathetic, sorry.

I think you are under the impression that you shouldparent and he should 'help you' occasionally, rather than you bring equal parents.

It really isn't good enough from him.

Rather unsympathetically op I'd say he struggles to do it because he's not used to it. His brain is wired to home=solid sleep.

Well who's isn't pre baby? He needs to rewire his thinking.

You're convinced he needs sleep more than you on his home days so it's pointless us demanding he does first night. But he needs to do his SHARE which would therefore be about 6 nights.
If you get ill and can't do it, he'd manage. So why can't he do that now to stop that happening?

Also, a further thought, but you say he can be away for 2-6 weeks. So if he comes home at the 2 week mark, or even the 4 week mark, he could have been continuing instead. Presumably he doesn't after 2 weeks tell his employer that he can't do it any more and needs 2 weeks off. Which means he'll man up and carry on for his work, but not for his wife and child.

He struggles to do a full night because he doesn't want to.

Go to bed in the spare room, put ear plugs in and then you won't know about his struggling or yawning and moaning at midnight.

I have no help at all when DH is at work

How much help do you need for one baby? Lots of mothers manage their lives perfectly well.

FFS. This is so ridiculous. I am sympathetic with him finding a night with the baby hard - I am not good with less sleep. But surely the answer here is that once he's recovered from his work weeks, he has a night with the baby, followed by a long lie in/sleep during the day. Because in my experience, at this point in your life, even just one night every six weeks of a solid 8 hours is life changing. So if DH did the night, and I was able to go to bed at 10 and sleep until 7, I'd have not begrudged him then staying in bed until 2 quite frankly.

@hansgrueber 🤣 that’s me told!!

@MsMarch

Are you really suggesting that this is reasonable

Man
3w of short but functional sleep (I'm presuming about 5 hrs worth)
2 w 6d of full unbroken 8 hour nights
1d of 1.5hrs sleep, with a long lie in the next day to make up for it.

Woman
5w 6d if 1.5hr sleep
2 night if proper unbroken 8hr sleep, followed by talking the baby for the day so her poor husband can catch up on the sleep.

The 1950s called and said that was even ok then...

Btw, that works out as the man having an average of 6.3hrs sleep a night averaged over the 6w and the woman having 1.6.

How in 2021 are people putting the bar so low for men still.

[quote Babyboomtastic]@MsMarch

Are you really suggesting that this is reasonable

Man
3w of short but functional sleep (I'm presuming about 5 hrs worth)
2 w 6d of full unbroken 8 hour nights
1d of 1.5hrs sleep, with a long lie in the next day to make up for it.

Woman
5w 6d if 1.5hr sleep
2 night if proper unbroken 8hr sleep, followed by talking the baby for the day so her poor husband can catch up on the sleep.

The 1950s called and said that was even ok then...

Btw, that works out as the man having an average of 6.3hrs sleep a night averaged over the 6w and the woman having 1.6.

How in 2021 are people putting the bar so low for men still.[/quote]
OP claims that she's believes he does need that sleep when he comes back from work. My suggestion was designed to facilitate the arrangements they already have in place and that OP clearly feels is mostly fine - except for this one issue of her not getting any sleep at all even when he's there.

And what I probably should have said as well is that I'd assume that if he can't possible do nights (not that I'm agreeing, just working within the framework) then I hope he is taking the baby in the mornings? Certainly, when DH was working and I was on mat leave with a non sleeper - he did any settling etc until about midnight, then I did the main middle of the night stuff, but anything after 5:30/6 was his problem. He'd have DS while he showered/dressed/ate breakfast etc, waking me with a cup of tea at 7:30 before he left at 7:45.

Our basic premise was that we both suffered but as he had a job that involved driving for 8-10 hours a day, him getting at least 5 consecutive hours sleep was useful but if he had to get overall a bit less sleep, then so be it.

And then we gave each other turns to catch up on the weekend.