Thinking DH should take a turn?

[RWK29]

Really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here...

DH works away from home - 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Have 1 DC at a few months old. Exclusively breastfed until 12 weeks, now on formula.
Baby is not a great sleeper...only naps properly during the day being held - we are working on this but I’m sure anyone who has dealt with this knows how exhausting it is constantly having to resettle baby 😓 some nights needs “shhhh’d” back to sleep every 30-40 minutes, other nights will sleep for about 2/3 hours at a time. Was feeding 3x per night when BF, now feeds 10/11pm, 2/3am then wakes at 7am.
I have no help at all when DH is at work. His last trip away coincided with a major growth spurt for baby and we were having major feeding issues meaning I was having to pump every 3 hours day and night so I was getting around 90 minutes of broken sleep a night, and couldn’t nap during the day as baby would scream when out down and just wanted to be cuddled 😓 needless to say, after 2 weeks of that I was so tired I felt physically ill.

When DH is home he is completely off work, no other commitments.
Would you expect him to take a turn at the night feeds to let you catch up on sleep? 🤔 I’ve never been a great sleeper so I’ve always got by on very little sleep and just managed to crack on with the day as that’s just what needs done, whereas he seems to need a decent nights sleep to be able to function or else his whole next day is ruined.
DH will say “I’ll take the feeds tonight and let you sleep”....amazing! Then it gets to midnight and I can hear him huffing and puffing, lots of yawning etc so I take back over because he’s too tired 🙄 or he’ll continue until the 2am feed then I’ll take over and he’ll sleep until lunchtime the next day to catch up. He always goes to the spare room too so he can get a proper sleep.

AIBU to think he should just deal with being tired like I have to? 😬 surely it’s part of being a new parent? 🙈

Hey OP I know the industry well having worked in it previously (vessels and rigs).

Yes he definitely does need to help out during the night when he's onshore but I would say a night or 2 of grace period when he gets back especially if he has been on night shifts. Same with a night or two grace period before the next trip starts.
Reason being is that sleep deprivation in the type of jobs can be dangerous due to the amount of focus needed in the job, heavy kit, chemicals etc. I think without people knowing what the type of work is its difficult to understand.

I would be inclined to say that you are having a night in the spare room to sleep, and just leaving him to it.

And also giving DC to him after a feed in the daytime and retiring to bed or a long relaxing bath in peace, so that you can rest.

Once he has done his catching up after the rigors of being away, he also needs to give you an opportunity to catch up on the rigors of him being away.

@Scottishskifun

Hey OP I know the industry well having worked in it previously (vessels and rigs).

Yes he definitely does need to help out during the night when he's onshore but I would say a night or 2 of grace period when he gets back especially if he has been on night shifts. Same with a night or two grace period before the next trip starts.
Reason being is that sleep deprivation in the type of jobs can be dangerous due to the amount of focus needed in the job, heavy kit, chemicals etc. I think without people knowing what the type of work is its difficult to understand.

Except no one is saying that he should take over nights the moment he gets back until he goes back to work. The OP is talking about ONE NIGHT. In a two week period. Personally I think he could do 4 or 5 and still manage not to kill anyone.

Have you ever talked to a junior doctor about their shifts?

Op are you ok?
Do you feel pressure to be the perfect mum at the moment do you think? You’re really pushing to do more than the lions share of the caring, look after your husband and not be away/feel guilty/anxious if you’re away from your baby for a few minutes.

I think it’s normal to feel those pressures and that pull to DC but please speak to some people around you. Have you spoken to anyone about the pressure you’re feeling?

@Scottishskifun 100% agree with you with the day or 2 either side. It’s hard to understand the work and lifestyle if you haven’t done it, I know 😊 I wouldn’t be happy if he went back to work in the same state that he comes home!

@Butcanyoujusttellme I’m absolutely fine, thank you 😊 definitely don’t feel pressure to be perfect! I’m just obsessed with my new wee guy and don’t really want to leave him for a second 🙈
Spoke to DH this morning and needless to say, he feels horrific. I don’t think I’ve been vocal enough about what I need from him and he’s struggled with knowing what to do because I always just jump in and take over the nights. So he’s just continued as if everything is the same. Obviously, if things don’t change now after we’ve had a proper discussion then it’ll be a different issue 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks for all your advice to my sleep deprived rant! 😬

Different people need different amounts of sleep to function, that's true. But what isnt fair is having one person get their 'quota' and another person get more and more tired until they are on their knees, feeling ill etc. Lack of sleep is really bad for you.

I agree he probably needs a few days to catch up but then yes he should be doing his share. Even people who don't need much sleep can feel absolutely terrible if they don't get what they need. I'm sure he can cope thr next day after one disturbed night, and even if he can't- if he doesn't have to work and you're around to look after the baby then what does it matter if he is too tired to function (I'm sure he won't be)

Great OP, hopefully he understands how it’s been for you and steps up now, hope you get some much needed sleep
And a very belated congrats on your new little guy!

Your little one needs to feel just as comfortable getting to sleep with you or your husband, and this needs to be done now, or you are just setting yourself up for an entire toddlerhood and beyond of you, just you, having to do every bedtime, every night, for years, or your child refuses to settle, every time. This is what happened to me, and we are only just staring to break the habit age 5. Do not be like me!!!!

Yes, of course, my first was ff after about 10 weeks. Dh was working a full time job, plus starting a business and taking on freelance work evenings and weekends. He was up helping with every night feed until she stopped having them at 9 months (he did the nappy changes early on while did the feeding, once we switched to formula, he made every nighttime bottle). Sleep doesn't necessarily get magically easier after mat leave ends (sorry!), so you'll both have to figure out how to balance when you're both working. It's completely possible to do nighttime parenting and working and being exhausted. I would expect him to do all of the nights when he's not away working, so you get 2 weeks to catch up on sleep.

He needs more practice at parenting, and you need more practice at stepping back.

Give him a couple of night's recovery when he gets home - he can still do the 11pm feed those night, you can go to bed at 7 and get a good stretch.
Then for the next 10 days he can do all the nights, you sleep in the spare room.
He can still have a couple of nights then to get a full night's sleep before going away again.

@mindutopia makes a very good point, and one I was slightly afraid of raising because i don't want to depress you.

Most babies/toddlers still wake in the night once mum is back from maternity leave. Night waking is pretty common until 3-4 and sometimes it's not much better than the newborn stage. Sometimes it's worse.

So learning how to parent and do nights whilst working is kind of just parenting really. A lot of women start off doing it all on maternity leave, and their babies won't settle for dad because of that, and then they are stuck doing all nights once they return to work because it's hard to change things when knackered.

I think a lot of new mums don't realise that sleep will be pants for a very long time for most babies, so start as you mean to go on!

I've had several nights recently where I've had 2hrs sleep by 6am and because I'm bf I can't share. I'd be dead doing work the next day if my husband didn't take them for as long as possible in the mornings, and do everything he could to get me extra sleep. This insomniac child will be 2 best month.

I'm not glad he feels horrific but I'm glad he's listening. I wish you much more sleep in future.

@Bambooshoot makes a very good point too. Heed her warning!

Go to the spare room, use silicon earplugs and a fan. Let him crack on.

@Clymene agree definitely more than 1 night and yes junior Dr's shifts are crazy but the set up isn't really a like for like comparison.

Serious accidents which have resulted in multiple deaths, explosions and environmental releases have occurred due to human error, workers being tired or not full focus although thankfully rare. There is a very good reason why offshore workers are limited to how many days they can work.

I don't think it's OK for junior Dr's to do mental shifts either BTW and yes they also make life and death decisions but less likely to result in a explosion I would hope!

I suspect with DH doing the sleep with baby you will find baby gets more sleep at night.

Personally I’d split the night. One of you sleeps 8-3:30 and the other 3-10:30 in the spare bedroom.

Good luck tonight, op. Leave him to it. And nobody finds it easy, but we have to get on with it. Most people women don’t have the option of just ignoring a baby and sleeping in a different room.

OP, realistically if you don't want to leave your baby for more than 10 mins, I don't know how your OH can have an option of helping. He's probably thinking that if you're going to be around anyway (rather than having your own break) , he may as well sleep/relax.