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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - childcare

61 replies

Dagenmam · 10/02/2021 14:01

Long story short...

I have a 2yo DD and a 4yo DSD with my husband.

When DD was born, DH would disappear for the day with DSD to my MIL house as he was so worried she wouldn’t enjoy sharing us with DD, etc. It caused a lot of rows as I didn’t want to family constantly split up (she’s here for three days once a fortnight). Anyway, that all got sorted. When DH was at work, I would take both children to visit MIL.

Fast forward to present day and we have formed a childcare bubble with my MIL. She has DD one afternoon a week and I collect her in time for tea as we live a short drive away. Since these bubbles were introduced, I have avoided dropping both children off as I just think it’s a bit much (something DH and I have always agreed on) but now I’m feeling pressure from MIL to drop them both off with her. Please keep in mind MIL is in her 70s.

We can’t form a support bubble as BIL still lives with her (works full time).

I’ve offered to drop DSD off on her own so MIL can still see her but then I got the “splitting the family” comment thrown back at me.

Am I being unreasonable?

I just don’t feel comfortable with it...both children aren’t overly used to each other and bicker a lot. DSD has no siblings at home either so it’s not there’s an overly established dynamic there. I’d never forgive myself if anything happened. I can find it tough at home and I have babygates, socket covers, etc.

Please be kind...

OP posts:
Thehop · 10/02/2021 14:03

Completely irrelevant but have a google about socket covers. They’re actually more dangerous than open sockets

Thehop · 10/02/2021 14:03

When your MIL gets dd where is dsd?

ItsAllOrangeAndYellow · 10/02/2021 14:06

Why don't you have MIL over to your house instead?

JustFrustrated · 10/02/2021 14:08

Some rather stupid questions.

DSD is with her mom on these occasions by the look of it, 3 days out of 14 would hunt at it.

OP can't have MIL over - pandemic. Childcare bubble means drop and run. Not socialise.

I'd remind your MIL of the law. Or rather let your husband.

However long term you need to work on improving relations between your DSD and DD.

Original poster
Dagenmam · 10/02/2021 14:10

When MIL has DD, DSD is at her mums house (at home with her or nursery).

I can’t have MIL over due to lockdown restrictions. We’ve formed a childcare bubble as opposed to a support bubble as BIL lives with MIL too (only single adults can form support bubbles, I think?).

OP posts:
Original poster
Dagenmam · 10/02/2021 14:11

Thank you re socket covers, will have a google. What’s the best thing to use for safety (other than teaching kids not to stick their fingers in)?

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 10/02/2021 14:13

Not sure I fully get it but is a childcare bubble not for essential child care. If it's not essential that DSD goes then she shouldn't go?

AbsitivelyPosolutely · 10/02/2021 14:18

You're abusing the childcare bubble system.

Toiletrollbuyer · 10/02/2021 14:19

@Dagenmam I am an electrician and it’s correct about the socket covers. Don’t use them. All sockets already have tamper protection built in - they have internal shutters over the live terminals that don’t release unless you put something exactly plug shaped in them. If you look closely at a socket you’ll see the bottom two live terminals have a white shutter. Don’t worry about the top one, that’s the earth and is harmless.

Hwory · 10/02/2021 14:19

Are you in England? The sockets don't need covers the elements aren't exposed. The top prog opens the socket (which is why the top one is longer)

user1493413286 · 10/02/2021 14:19

If you don’t feel comfortable then don’t do it and suggest that your DH communicates that to her. I get where you’re coming from; my mil had my baby and 3 year old recently and she found it hard going and needed help from my fil to manage both especially in a home that isn’t set up for child safety.

riotlady · 10/02/2021 14:20

@Dagenmam

Thank you re socket covers, will have a google. What’s the best thing to use for safety (other than teaching kids not to stick their fingers in)?
Nothing. British plugs are designed with a safety feature- to activate them you need something long in the top socket (which is why the top prong of a plug is longer than the others) and then to put something in one of the other two holes. The chances of your child being dexterous enough to manage that on their own is vanishingly slim. If you HAVE to use something, a cover that covers the whole socket unit, rather than plugging in, is safer.

There’ll be better explanations than that online but that’s the gist as I understand it!

Re: your main question, I’m not sure exactly what your concern is. That DSD will hurt DD? That MIL isn’t capable of watching 2 children at once?

SD1978 · 10/02/2021 14:26

Not relevant to your question- which an electrician has answered- but the childcare bubble isn't a babysitting bubble. It's for parents who are working, so you're already breaking guidelines regarding reasons to 'bubble' surely?

CovidPostingName · 10/02/2021 14:34

@SD1978 @AbsitivelyPosolutely @SummerHouse

Legally anyone can have a childcare bubble for any damn reason they like. Absolutely nowhere in the legislation does it specify a list of reasons, not dies it mention 'essential' or 'work'. Let's at least get your facts straight..

Original poster
Dagenmam · 10/02/2021 14:42

Thank you for your responses - especially concerning the socket covers! I’ll start taking them out now...house has an electrical certificate so should be up to date with safety stuff.

With the childcare bubble, that’s the afternoon I do the supermarket shop, take items to post office or any other “out of house” chores. I think it’s safer for DD to be at MIL than in a supermarket trolley (I’ve had 2 isolation notifications from visiting the shops, which I obvs stuck to). Other than that we are in the house all day, every day. Husband works 6 days a week and evenings so I do the shopping.

I think he wants DSD to see MIL so both children are treated equally and because he worries about MIL not seeing DSD again I’m case she dies. I agree it irrelevant as we’re in the middle of a pandemic. So I’m surely not being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AbsitivelyPosolutely · 10/02/2021 14:42

Legislation says you can only leave your house for essential reasons.

Dropping your kid off at a relatives house because you want a break isn't essential...

Original poster
Dagenmam · 10/02/2021 14:50

I’ve just explained, it’s not for a break. It’s because I think them being with a relative is safer than dragging them around a supermarket with a lot of people present...I think it’s risky enough that DSD is still at nursery given the amount of times she’s had to self isolate.

Also, I thought a childcare bubble was informal childcare...is doesn’t say it’s only for parents that work?

Yes, my worry is that MIL won’t cope with them both but also won’t admit it if she can’t

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 10/02/2021 14:51

I didn't realise that @covidpostingname good point. Also a good point from @absitivelyposolutely but then a very good point from the OP about DD being better off there than going with her. It's all quite complicated but overall OP I think YANBU. The less mixing the better.

Original poster
Dagenmam · 10/02/2021 15:02

@JustFrustrated

Thank you, I know we need to work on relations between the two. Our household is very different to the one DSD has with her mum. By the time we’ve all sort of adjusted and got into a groove, it’s time for her to go to her mums...something for a different thread, I think!

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 10/02/2021 15:10

It’s because I think them being with a relative is safer than dragging them around a supermarket with a lot of people present...I think it’s risky enough that DSD is still at nursery given the amount of times she’s had to self isolate.

It doesn't matter whether you think it's safer or not, you're only supposed to use a childcare bubble if you're working. Why doesn't your DH watch them so you can shop, or go himself?

AbsitivelyPosolutely · 10/02/2021 15:17

Or get a delivery/click and collect.

My husband and I have to work around each other, and home school, and we still manage to shop without taking the kid or abusing childcare bubbles.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 10/02/2021 15:20

With the childcare bubble, that’s the afternoon I do the supermarket shop, take items to post office or any other “out of house” chores.

that is so not what a childcare bubble is...

but that's ok, just make your own rules, who cares, you are not the only one.

Just stop calling it a childcare bubble!

CovidPostingName · 10/02/2021 15:24

@AbsitivelyPosolutely and one of those essential reasons is to access ones childcare bubble. See here: www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/1374/regulation/5

And here:
www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/1374/schedule/3A
Paragraph 2 (2) (g) to visit a member of a household which is a linked household in relation to P’s household;
Paragraph 2 (13) (f)for the purposes of informal childcare, for children aged 13 or under, provided by a member of a household to a member of their linked childcare household.

Care to apologise? 😂

Original poster
Dagenmam · 10/02/2021 15:24

Where does it say ink parents that work can use childcare bubbles?

I’ve been following things precisely so now I’m concerned I’ve broken the rules...I’ve read this on a family law site...

The government guidance states that, where the child is 13 years old or under, parents are able to form a childcare bubble. A childcare bubble is where one household links with one other household to provide informal childcare. 'Informal' childcare means it is unpaid and unregistered.

Therefore, grandparents are able to see their grandchildren if they are providing childcare and the same grandparents care for the same grandchildren every time. However, government guidance states that you are not allowed to swap households in your childcare bubble, so grandparents who have more than one set of grandchildren, living in more than one other household, are only allowed to provide childcare for one set of their grandchildren. The 'rule of six' remains in place so your childcare bubble cannot made up of more than six people (including the children).

It agrees with @CovidPostingName

OP posts:
Original poster
Dagenmam · 10/02/2021 15:26

We struggle to get click and collect where we are (remote) and I thought you were supposed to only really take those slots if you were vulnerable/shielding?

OP posts: