AIBU - childcare

[Dagenmam]

Long story short...

I have a 2yo DD and a 4yo DSD with my husband.

When DD was born, DH would disappear for the day with DSD to my MIL house as he was so worried she wouldn’t enjoy sharing us with DD, etc. It caused a lot of rows as I didn’t want to family constantly split up (she’s here for three days once a fortnight). Anyway, that all got sorted. When DH was at work, I would take both children to visit MIL.

Fast forward to present day and we have formed a childcare bubble with my MIL. She has DD one afternoon a week and I collect her in time for tea as we live a short drive away. Since these bubbles were introduced, I have avoided dropping both children off as I just think it’s a bit much (something DH and I have always agreed on) but now I’m feeling pressure from MIL to drop them both off with her. Please keep in mind MIL is in her 70s.

We can’t form a support bubble as BIL still lives with her (works full time).

I’ve offered to drop DSD off on her own so MIL can still see her but then I got the “splitting the family” comment thrown back at me.

Am I being unreasonable?

I just don’t feel comfortable with it...both children aren’t overly used to each other and bicker a lot. DSD has no siblings at home either so it’s not there’s an overly established dynamic there. I’d never forgive myself if anything happened. I can find it tough at home and I have babygates, socket covers, etc.

Please be kind...

@Ohalrightthen You're so wrong. See above. I can't abide people spouting this rubbish when they're so easily proved wrong. It's laughable, the legislation is right there - you're wrong.

why do we bother closing the schools when people use the flipping "bubbles" to just carry on as usual, it's depressing.

As people have explained, it’s not a childcare bubble and you’ve already said you know you’re not entitled to a support bubble. Stop seeing MIL till you’re allowed to and this problem disappears. Get food deliveries or click and collect, you can get your postman to collect parcels and letters - google it - or take the kids with you. The rest of us are managing.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer Lobby the government about it then, just don't try and tell the op that what's she's doing is illegal or against the rules. It's not.

Imo dh can either shop /do childcare. Also imo dsd time with her dh/at your home should be focused on building sibling relationships too rather than having you driving back and forth to mil's - with or without your dd. Their relationship is as important as the mil /dsd one...

The good news is that when you have a child's birthday coming, you just need to rename the party a "childcare bubble" and everybody is happy.

Every cloud...

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer
I am following the rules, @CovidPostingName has kindly posted a couple of links for you to read through regarding those.

I am by no means carrying on as normal while everyone else struggles. I go to the supermarket once a week while using a LEGAL childcare bubble. The rest of the time I am at home.

Now you’re more educated on the rules, you can set up a childcare bubble too

@justfrustrated childcare bubbles don't mean drop and run at all it just means no socialising. My mum looks after my dc (homeschools the youngest) at my house whilst I am also here, but working from home.

From Govt website

www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-childcare-bubble-with-another-household#what-a-childcare-bubble-is

"What a childcare bubble is
A childcare bubble is where one household links with one other household to provide informal childcare to anyone under 14. All adults in both households must agree to this arrangement. ‘Informal’ childcare means it is unpaid and unregistered.

Members of either household can provide childcare in a home or public place. This includes overnight care.

You can only have one childcare bubble with one other household. This means no household should be part of more than one childcare bubble.

You can only use a childcare bubble for childcare. You cannot use a childcare bubble to mix with another household for other reasons.

If you form a childcare bubble, it’s best if this is with a household who live locally. This will help prevent the virus spreading from an area where more people are infected"

So, I would say that childcare is childcare to enable you to work, not dropping kids off for an afternoon with granny while you go shopping. You shouldn't be dropping either child with your MIL

I stand by what I say.

Dropping your child off at their grandparents so you can go shopping isn't an essential journey.

There are other options available but OP isn't accessing them because it's easier to palm her kid off on someone else by twisting the rules to suit herself.

I'm dying for an hour to myself. My mum is dying to see her grandchild. Shall I drop him off so I can have a break? So two more households mixing unnecessarily, but not technically breaking the rules, apparently.

What if everyone did this?

@Snowymcsnowsony
Thank you but my question was regarding my MIL coping with childcare, not whether my husband should do the shopping. He works hard for us, I do my best to make it so that he doesn’t have to do everything externally. Luckily, government legislation allows this.

Thank you for your input regarding MIL though, you’re right that the relationships are important

Dagenmam

it's people like you who have caused the increased in restrictions and the current lockdown.

be smug as you wish, you are not the only one.

@notanothertakeaway no where does it say a reason for childcare. It doesn't need to be for work purposes. That is your assumption. If it was for work purposes it would say so in the guidelines and it doesn't.

@AbsitivelyPosolutely Stand by it all you like, no one's holding a gun to your head to force you to form a perfectly legal childcare bubble that would benefit you, your mum, and your child...

I don't think it's documented anywhere that a childcare bubble has to be for work but I don't think it's in the spirit of trying to reduce contacts and reduce the spread of Covid.

OP- I assume your husband doesn't work 7 days a week. Can one of you go to the supermarket on your day off? Then it only leaves the odd occasion of going to the post office etc.

@notanothertakeaway
It doesn’t say it’s only for work in the quotation you’ve pasted...only that I shouldn’t mix with my MIL. I don’t, DD is dropped at the front door and I leave, at pick up I wait outside the front door for her shoes to be put on, etc.

@AbsitivelyPosolutely
If you don’t like how childcare bubbles work, you don’t have to form one. I’m not saying you have to. If you want a break and your mum wants to see her grandchildren then legally, both of those things can happen. You can’t argue with that, it’s a fact.

There is not risk to my child being in a legal childcare bubble with MIL. She doesn’t leave the house for any reason, BIL works from home.

@LST thanks for the info, I didn’t know that!
Unfortunately, MIL isn’t confident enough to drive to our home but it’s useful info.

This was supposed to be about my MIL coping with two children not politics 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I think you are probably right to be concerned. A lively 2yo and a 4yo who isn't used to having a sibling are likely to be a bit of a handful for anyone. If your MIL is in her 70s and not used to having the DCs together, I think there is a risk of things going wrong.

Is she relatively fit and mobile?

Thank you! Back to the point...

She is pretty fit and mobile but I obviously can’t see what she’s like with them together as I can’t go in the house. She also wouldn’t say if she did find it too much, she’d just struggle on.

I agree it is a lot for you mil you have both dc at once so yanbu.

With regards to the childcare bubble I think it should just be for work purposes. Seems a bit silly that people are having to close businesses and kids are missing months of school but it is ok to drop dc round to granny’s (vulnerable people) whilst the parents pop to the post office. Not a dig at you op as what you are doing is totally within the guidelines it’s just the lockdown rules make no sense to me 🤷‍♀️

@PenguinIce

All the rules are very contradictory.
If my MIL was going anywhere then we wouldn’t have formed one with her. My husband has his own office so he isn’t in contact with anyone. I don’t go anywhere other than the supermarket once a week (also shop for MIL a lot).

I think I would be at risk from spreading covid more by sending my children to nursery with multiple others...I can’t imagine 2yo social distance or wash their hands all that often.

I actually gave up work after maternity leave due to covid. At the time, there were no childcare bubbles and nurseries were closed but I didn’t want DD to have to go when they reopened as I was concerned about second waves, etc (didn’t anticipate the third though!).

Mil wants both her grandchildren at same time .

Let her for an hour while you shop

Shopping is essential and a childcare bubble is allowed

As long as kids there and not you , you aren’t braking any laws

YABU, and it’s not really your decision anyway whether dsd sees your mil. You only have the right to decide that you won’t drop off you own dd when you’re looking after her. You are being hypocritical, and it’s not fair for you to impose your opinions on what’s safest on other people when it’s them and not you that it affects.

I don't really care about the bubble thing here

But if your husband works 6 days a week and evenings, surely he'd be delighted to spend some alone time with his daughters while you go shopping?

I’ve not said MIL can’t see DSD. I’ve offered to drop DSD off on her own as a compromise (it would still be legal).

My concern is that she won’t cope on her own, I can’t see what she’s like with them both as I can’t go in the house, she won’t admit if she is struggling.

I just wondered if anyone else had experience of something similar.

@Blondeshavemorefun @NailsNeedDoing
Sorry, I’ve not explained myself well at all