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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pushover DH and in-laws

51 replies

TheSnowQueenie · 10/02/2021 08:27

I am really fuming with my DH this week.

I have kept to all the Covid restrictions etc. and have made a massive effort to get DH and my weight down and get fitter so that we have a better chance if we catch this disease. FYI, I have 2 relatives who have died of it, so I am quite cautious.

DH's family say they are following the rules, unless that is of course there is an opening to go abroad which they take or a get-together that suits them.

At the weekend I heard that a party is being arranged for PIL's big wedding anniversary for late spring. It's all full steam ahead in planning, with a couple of nights stay in the hotel. Around 25 people have been invited, including us who HAVE to attend. My DH has just gone along with it like a sheep.

I ended up having a massive go at my DH asking him why he had agreed to it and why he hadn't pointed out to everyone that there is a global pandemic. Apparently, his parents will have been vaccinated by then so it's OK. Never mind the rest of us

I doubt it is going to happen but I am really mad at him and them for their recklessness. Surely 25 people + booze in a venue is the perfect setting for spreading Coronavirus and this is the type of thing where people have been catching it and dying?

I've told him I am not going and he is now in a mood with me and all his family will blame me if it doesn't go ahead.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 10/02/2021 08:31

I wouldn’t get worked up about it. It is unlikely that the venue will be allowed to host the event and if it is allowed, well then it is allowed and I won’t criticise people for doing things that they are allowed to do.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/02/2021 08:32

I think they are perfectly reasonable and within their rights to arrange something for late spring. It may or may not be able to go ahead. That will be dictated by the Covid regulations at that time and the venue may have to cancel. If things have opened up a bit and they can go ahead then I am sure it will be lovely. There is no point getting angry about it and I am sure his family won't blame you if it is cancelled. Just go along with it for the moment and see what happens.

Onlineshopperforever · 10/02/2021 08:34

Why are you annoyed OP? No one knows what the restrictions will be in late spring. It may well be within the regulations. Chill out and deal with it when the time comes.

MsSquiz · 10/02/2021 08:40

We have DD's christening booked for May, for 100 people. It was postponed from last May and if restrictions are still in place, it will be postponed again.

What is the problem with people making plans?
If their party cannot go ahead due to restrictions, the venue will cancel so they won't be able to just go ahead with it anywhere.

Longtalljosie · 10/02/2021 08:40

She’s annoyed because she’s entitled to make her own risk assessment with regards to her own health, especially as family members have died and (I’m guessing) her BMI puts her in an at-risk category.

I think you can be honest with them that you think it’s irresponsible and that you won’t be going. You can’t stop your DH from attending (although he should if you have health concerns). Is there room in your house for him to self-isolate for 5 days then take a private test?

icelollycraving · 10/02/2021 08:44

If it is allowed to go ahead, the venue will need to have Covid safety. I’d rather go to a venue than someone’s home. A venue will be more controlled.
Some people need something to look forward to generally, for some that is heightened right now.
It may not go ahead but it might. If it does, I’d go unless you are particularly at risk.

Original poster

TheSnowQueenie · 10/02/2021 08:50

I'm sure some people are chomping at the bit to get out but I think holding parties and large gatherings is reckless.

I'm also just annoyed at my DH. Everything that goes on with his family just gets subcontracted out to me as wifey duty. He is not speaking to me because he gave me a list of things I am expected to do for this party and I told him I wasn't doing it. Why can't he do it?

OP posts:

TinyTear · 10/02/2021 08:58

if it's their party, they do the chores.

stay strong and don't do it

knittingaddict · 10/02/2021 09:11

He is not speaking to me because he gave me a list of things I am expected to do for this party and I told him I wasn't doing it. Why can't he do it?

That would annoy me far more than the party itself. That would be a hill I'm prepared to die on. The party, not so much.

It's organised in a hotel, so restrictions at the time will dictate whether it actually happens or not. Personally I think they are being a tad optimistic and it could well be cancelled or delayed.

I would tell him to do this list of things that need doing and keep my head down until late spring and see where we are then.

AllMyPrettyOnes · 10/02/2021 09:13

Why did you have a 'massive go' at him?

If restrictions are eased enough to allow this, what's the problem?

If not, it won't go ahead. Simple.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2021 09:16

You can only be taken advantage of if you allow yourself to be. You "have" to attend this party? Nonsense. You don't have to do anything. His parents get upset with you? Fine, let them. You are only responsible for you. Let your husband deal with them.

Notonthestairs · 10/02/2021 09:23

It sounds like your PIL have followed the rules - they just haven't behaved exactly as you have.

They want to celebrate and if restrictions are lifted they can. Personally I'd think it's highly unlikely that a party for 25 will be permitted but who knows.

By all means tell your DH to do the party jobs himself - it's ridiculous that he expects you to do it.

Spied · 10/02/2021 09:28

I'd not be going ( my dc would not be going either).
If he wants to go then that's his call however he'd need to find a place to stay to isolate afterwards for two weeks.
He'd not be bringing Covid back to my home when I'd been so careful.
Enjoy the peace what he's not speaking to you

Shoxfordian · 10/02/2021 09:34

He shouldn’t be giving you lists of jobs for his family’s party but I do think you’re a little unreasonable given the number of jabs which will have been given by spring

Original poster

TheSnowQueenie · 10/02/2021 09:46

Shox, if it was a party I could dip in and out of down the road I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with it. I could turn up and then come home. I don't want to stay in a hotel for 2 days and have meals and a party with 25 people, many of whom have been vaccinated and think they can do what they like now.

DH and I will not have been jabbed by then. If my DH gets Covid I think he'd end up really sick. With my efforts, cooking really healthy low-fat meals, getting him to do exercise with me, he has lost nearly 2 stone.

I'm mad because I have been careful and worked hard to reduce our risk. If other people want to have parties then crack on, but I don't appreciate being put on the spot to attend them. If we don't go there will be a massive family fall out.

OP posts:

FuckyouCovid21 · 10/02/2021 09:52

Aside from everything else, what has he asked you to do for the party?

Sh05 · 10/02/2021 10:04

So your issue is the prep he is expecting you to do for the party. Tell him you're not doing it and leave him to it.
If restrictions are not lifted by then the party won't be going ahead so maybe just remind him not to do everything too early.

MessAllOver · 10/02/2021 10:07

This would annoy me more than the party. I would tell him to fuck right off and do it himself! This is, I suspect, the main issue.

On the Covid risk, don't fret too much. Your PILs are entitled to make their own risk assessment as to when they can start living again (and we do all have to get back to normality at some point). So are you and your "D"H. Tell them you'll be happy to attend a big party when you and any DC (do you have DC? Not clear from your post) have been vaccinated but you're steering clear of large groups until then. And if your DH decides to go alone (which is his right), he can isolate from you all within the house on his return.

Sounds like more of a DH problem than a PIL one.

Meredithgrey1 · 10/02/2021 10:09

I wouldn’t be doing any prep for the party.

But I wouldn’t be annoyed at people for organising a party that will only go ahead if the restrictions allow (and I doubt they will). You can’t really expect people to go above and beyond the rules and get angry when they don’t. But you are entitled to not go of course.

I suspect this is all rather moot anyway, since I doubt a party for 25 people will be allowed this spring

LolaSmiles · 10/02/2021 10:10

If it's allowed then you'll have to accept they're doing it, whilst privately having the common sense to know that just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. There's no talking about common sense to people whose whole approach is 'what is the most mixing we can get away with'.

YANBU for refraining from going and your DH is out of order for volunteering you for wifey duties. If your parents want to host a party then they can do it themselves.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/02/2021 10:19

It's very unlikely that such an event (25 people from multiple households, staying overnight) will be allowed by late spring.

As in it will be illegal to hold such a gathering, the organisers will be at risk of a £10k fine and every single attendee an £800 fine.

In the unlikely event that it could go ahead (I don't think so, if we are at a stage where overnight stays are allowed then, it will be on a much smaller scale, 2/3 households, about a dozen people or fewer) I wouldn't be committing to anything beyond a 'save the date' card and a deposit with the option to move/cancel if it can't go ahead as they want it to.

If your DH wants to help is parents plan their event, that's fine, but you're in your rights to want no part of it, pandemic or no pandemic.

unmarkedbythat · 10/02/2021 10:24

I wouldn't make a big deal of it but I would say I didn't think this was likely to go ahead.

He is not speaking to me because he gave me a list of things I am expected to do for this party and I told him I wasn't doing it.

Now this I would make a big deal of. If he wants to go along with this ill founded plan up to him, but he can do all the things on the list.

Original poster

TheSnowQueenie · 10/02/2021 10:50

I was asked to help find suitable locations, do invitations and make a massive cake. So, most of the work.

I’m not doing any of it.

OP posts:

Inpersuitofhappiness · 10/02/2021 10:59

This is the sort of thing I'd imagine DH and his parents to do.
I think the only thing you can do is say that it's unlikely to go ahead, and if it does (unlikely) that you won't attend unless you have been vaccinated by that time (unlikely?)
And if he does decide to go, if it does go ahead and you haven't been vaccinated, how does he intend to lower the risk he poses to you and himself by being around a large group of people socialising? .

ItsJackieWeaverBitch · 10/02/2021 10:59

I wouldn’t get worked up about it right now- it’s a few months away still, there’s a good chance it won’t go ahead as the venue might not be allowed to host them and you might feel less stressed about it all by then. Or they might be more stressed and cancel it anyway.

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