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Original poster

Pushover DH and in-laws

51 replies

TheSnowQueenie · 10/02/2021 08:27

I am really fuming with my DH this week.

I have kept to all the Covid restrictions etc. and have made a massive effort to get DH and my weight down and get fitter so that we have a better chance if we catch this disease. FYI, I have 2 relatives who have died of it, so I am quite cautious.

DH's family say they are following the rules, unless that is of course there is an opening to go abroad which they take or a get-together that suits them.

At the weekend I heard that a party is being arranged for PIL's big wedding anniversary for late spring. It's all full steam ahead in planning, with a couple of nights stay in the hotel. Around 25 people have been invited, including us who HAVE to attend. My DH has just gone along with it like a sheep.

I ended up having a massive go at my DH asking him why he had agreed to it and why he hadn't pointed out to everyone that there is a global pandemic. Apparently, his parents will have been vaccinated by then so it's OK. Never mind the rest of us Hmm

I doubt it is going to happen but I am really mad at him and them for their recklessness. Surely 25 people + booze in a venue is the perfect setting for spreading Coronavirus and this is the type of thing where people have been catching it and dying?

I've told him I am not going and he is now in a mood with me and all his family will blame me if it doesn't go ahead.

OP posts:
CuteOrangeElephant · 10/02/2021 11:02

He gave you that list and expects you to do all that?

Do they have a history of treating you like a mug?

BoyTree · 10/02/2021 11:13

And what is he expecting his contribution to be?

MessAllOver · 10/02/2021 11:13

Why are you expected to do all of that and not him?

Do they have a history of treating you like a mug?

Do you have a history of allowing people to treat you like a mug?

Original poster
TheSnowQueenie · 10/02/2021 11:18

CuteO

Yes they do. When I first met them, many years ago, I sucked it up because family and all. As I’ve got older I stopped doing things as whether I did them or not, I wasn’t treated any better. I stopped doing wifey work for them a few years ago and I’m not doing any of this list.

If they want to throw a party they can organise it themselves. They will expect me to make the cake and cupcakes as I can make really decent ones but I’m not doing it. His sisters can make it. They don’t even send me a birthday card so they can get lost.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/02/2021 11:21

I'm also just annoyed at my DH. Everything that goes on with his family just gets subcontracted out to me as wifey duty. He is not speaking to me because he gave me a list of things I am expected to do for this party and I told him I wasn't doing it. Why can't he do it?

I can well understand why you're annoyed, particularly in view of your latest update above. Let them 'expect' all they want. You've said no. Refer them to your husband. And if he starts making demands, refer him to himself. His circus, let him make the cupcakes.

Stick to your guns and don't cave Flowers

FeedMeSantiago · 10/02/2021 11:33

*I was asked to help find suitable locations, do invitations and make a massive cake. So, most of the work.

I’m not doing any of it.*

Yeah they're cheeky fuckers expecting you to organise their party for them. Your DH is also a CF for expecting you to do all of this as well.

Your DH should tell his parents it's their party and therefore their responsibility. Or, if he won't do that, he should do it rather than expecting you to!

Wellthatwassilly · 10/02/2021 11:46

Are you always this controlling OP? 'You've made a massive effort to get you and DH weight down' I'm pretty sure if DH has lost weight than its him thats made the effort not youConfused

Wellthatwassilly · 10/02/2021 11:49

Oh god just seen youve also wrote with your efforts hes lost 2 stone.

Well done too you for your dh losing 2 stone👏👏

Brefugee · 10/02/2021 11:54

I'm also just annoyed at my DH. Everything that goes on with his family just gets subcontracted out to me as wifey duty.

Is this what's bugging you? As you said you've stopped doing these things, give it back with a "you know that's not how we do things" and ignore. As for you have to go to the party - why? How? Are they going to send a team of SAS in and abduct you? Just say no, you seem to have been managing to put a stop to these things up to now, why start going along with it again?

Congrats on the weight-loss. That's some achievement.

Original poster
TheSnowQueenie · 10/02/2021 11:54

I’ve signed myself up to a diet and he eats what I eat because he wants to lose weight. I also encourage him to go running with me.

Yes, he makes the effort but I’m carrying all the emotional baggage of this. It’s me who signed up and paid subscription to the diet, me who sources the recipes, does the shopping and cooking. He just sits down to eat it.

I appreciate he makes an effort, but he does none of the prep. It’s hardly controlling. In fact he’s even outsourced his diet to me. I’m doing 2 peoples.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 10/02/2021 11:57

@Wellthatwassilly

Are you always this controlling OP? 'You've made a massive effort to get you and DH weight down' I'm pretty sure if DH has lost weight than its him thats made the effort not youConfused
Well seeing as there's many a married man who eats nothing apart from what's put in front of him by his wife, it could well be down to the OPs efforts that he's lost weight.

She might also have been encouraging him out on walks instead of laying in front of the TV all day. Who knows.

But I don't think refusing to do the things that he's assumed that she'll do like venue sourcing and cake making without consultation amounts to 'being controlling'.

BarbaraofSeville · 10/02/2021 11:58

Cross posted. And yes, it is the OP who's done all the work with the weight loss for them both.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 10/02/2021 11:59

It is the attempted outsourcing of wifey work that is the real issue here. Stay strong - the pressure can be intense but you are doing the right thing to refuse to do unpaid work for people that don't even bother themselves to remember your birthday.

What are you, an indentured servant?

yoyo1234 · 10/02/2021 12:07

Do what you are comfortable with ( I total see why you are not happy with attending that sort of gathering- whether it is allowed or not).

yoyo1234 · 10/02/2021 12:08

Totally!

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 10/02/2021 12:18

Why can they not have something to look forward to ? If its not allowed then it won't happen and if it is allowed they won't be breaking any rules
We have a family party booked for early summer been booked for a long time, I am hoping that it can go ahead ,

Holly60 · 10/02/2021 12:24

How about - make nice now and appear to be really excited. See how you feel closer to the time, and if you decide you don’t want to go, just come down with something nasty??

Holly60 · 10/02/2021 12:25

You’ll be so disappointed though won’t you, as you were really looking forward to it! Grin

LolaSmiles · 10/02/2021 12:39

Are you always this controlling OP?
Woman has boundaries and doesn't do wife work for in laws = controlling

Wellthatwassilly he is more than capable of choosing to do his own good shopping, finding his own recipes and cooking his own damn food, but he isn't. He is eating whatever the OP serves and she is doing the leg work

Do you have an issue with women who have boundaries or rightly point out their contribution to the household?

BarbaraofSeville · 10/02/2021 12:40

@Holly60

How about - make nice now and appear to be really excited. See how you feel closer to the time, and if you decide you don’t want to go, just come down with something nasty??
Eh? Why?

She needs to put her foot down about the wife work that's been imposed on her.

They're free to make their plans and book what they like, but any time I was consulted about anything like this, I would feel duty bound to tell them to listen to what the government is saying right now about holidays, including those in the UK and how what they're proposing is currently illegal and might not be allowed whenever they are planning it for so make sure it can be cancelled or moved without losing a lot of money.

And that's where I'd leave it. But I don't understand why people always suggest faking illness to get out of doing what they don't want to do on here. Very bizarre.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 10/02/2021 12:42

Just want to say well done for actually biting the bullet and already cutting out the Wife Work!

Howshouldibehave · 10/02/2021 12:44

He basically wants you to organise the whole party?! In a Pandemic?!

Have you asked him why he thinks it should be your job? If the party doesn’t happen-it shouldn’t be anything to do with you?!

Wellthatwassilly · 10/02/2021 13:27

@LolaSmiles i think from my post it was clearly obvious i was referring to the diet not the wifework stuff, so your reply was shit

LolaSmiles · 10/02/2021 13:31

Wellthatwassilly
Hardly shit.

How is the OP controlling ?
What sort of weird world world you living in where a wife doing all the wife work (including arranging the food shop, finding recipes and cooking the food because these jobs also get left to women most of the time)controlling?

Her husband was more than free as an independent adult to do his own shopping, decide on his own food, and cook his own food. He just did what many men do, which is eat whatever the women in their life are preparing.

But sure, it's super controlling of her Hmm

Original poster
TheSnowQueenie · 10/02/2021 14:12

I’m going to tell my DH that from now on he can do all his own washing, ironing, shopping and cooking.

I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m a control freak.

OP posts: