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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'Big School' dilemma - what do experienced parents advise?

56 replies

Schoolofsock · 09/02/2021 22:17

DS enters year 7 in September and we are very lucky to unexpectedly have two options - mixed sex, local, very good state school (selective)OR single sex, outstanding school which is hour travel each way (also selective, private). His primary best friends are going local. We want him to do well academically BUT we also want him to be happy - more the latter of course! Is it better to be local with existing friends or travel for a school with (on paper) better academic outcomes but he would be going on his own and have extra travel time. He is not sure and its not easy as we haven't been able to visit and get a feel on the ground for either school. He's a friendly, sporty kid who usually makes friends easily.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 09/02/2021 22:20

Imo go local. My eldest started this year and Iv ended up nipping to the school a few times with forgotten lunches/pe kit. Plus he will have someone to hang out with afterschool and travel home with.

annie987 · 09/02/2021 22:21

I would never again underestimate the importance if having local friends. It didn’t really occur to me until my two started secondary but being able to walk out of the front door and be at a friends house within minutes is invaluable.

BlueTimes · 09/02/2021 22:21

Local.

jackstini · 09/02/2021 22:22

Local. 100%

Sleepthief · 09/02/2021 22:24

Absolutely stay local!

NiceTwin · 09/02/2021 22:25

Local.
My dd goes to school 40 minutes away, me driving, considerably longer by bus.
It just so happens the friend she made there lives in the next village, had she made friends with people in the town, it would take a fair chunk of our time running her around.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 09/02/2021 22:25

Local wins hands down for me

Branleuse · 09/02/2021 22:27

Local.
2 hours travel a day is loads and local friends is a huge deal

partyatthepalace · 09/02/2021 22:30

Given they are both good academic schools then local, unless you have any reason to think he’s going to get more out of the further away place (wider range of extra-curricular etc). 2 hours commute at that age needs a v good reason.

whyayepetal · 09/02/2021 22:37

I would say local OP. Stats suggest that boys do better at mixed sex schools, and having a bit of support around in the shape of current primary friends might be no bad thing after this uncertain year.

The friendship groups will probably shift during y7/8 anyway - perfectly normal - but the initial confidence gained from having his mates around might make the transition a bit easier.

I would usually say go to visit both, and see which feels right - really difficult to do this online!

Mumski45 · 09/02/2021 22:41

For me it would depend on which school is the best fit for your DS. I have 2 DS who both travel an hours bus ride away for a single sex selective state grammar but they love the school and Norther regrets the choices we made. There is a good local state comp but it selects according to religion so we wouldn't have got a place. Other achievable alternative was an awful school in special measures with poor results that would have been a very poor fit for both boys.

domesticslattern · 09/02/2021 22:41

Give your DS the gift of 10 hours a week and mates round the corner. Go local.

clockstopper · 09/02/2021 22:41

100% local.

Wakemeuuuup · 09/02/2021 22:45

I'd say go local.mixed schools reflect life better than single sex schools.

It has never been more important that your child can walk to school than recently. So many of my friends are spending hours everyday driving to and from schools because they don't want their kids on public transport.

It's also very important have friends who live locally

Neolara · 09/02/2021 22:46

Local. Definitely.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 09/02/2021 22:47

I think it's great for dc to travel out of their area to socialise, I've never understood the close to home friend mentally?

However, an hour is a real real push!!

Frazzzledmrs · 09/02/2021 22:53

I disagree with local I used to get a bus an hour each way to my secondary - DH the same but in London and we both would choose the same for our sons. Greater mix of children, sense of independence. But it was a big school (200 per year group) and plenty of cameraderie on the school buses although not always fun. When I was older I just walked more or got regular transport.

It wasn't a single sex private school though, not so keen on those but if travel is the only factor then I don't think you should base a lot on it.

Even now our kids don't go to the local primary and I'm pretty glad. My neighbour is bloody horrible and can't imagine how crap it would be for our kids to share a class too. It's nice being able to mind your own business at home! If there are a few kids in your area that will be enough.

HunkyPunk · 09/02/2021 22:53

Life's too short for a child (or anyone) to spend 2 hours of it each day travelling when it's not necessary. Definitely stay local.

WaltzForDebbie · 09/02/2021 23:00

An hour is a lot of travel for an 11 year old. I commuted to a school an hour away for sixth form but I wouldn't have wanted to do it at age eleven.

Also private schools have longer days and more homework so he will be exhausted.

PracticingPerson · 09/02/2021 23:01

Absolutely not single sex unless you are posting from 1928. I taught in a boys' school. Just no no no.

Local is always good. Travelling to school is wasted time unless necessary.

littlepieces · 09/02/2021 23:03

If the local school is good, go local? Ask him what he would really like, and not the answer he thinks you would prefer...

What a grim time it would be to spend hours commuting to school. He'll have enough of that when he's an adult!

Sh05 · 09/02/2021 23:04

If they are both great schools and he's a hard worker he will do well where ever you send him so local school gets my vote.
Two hours travelling each day is too much imo especially as he'll have homework after school as well.

Bumpsadaisie · 09/02/2021 23:05

Assuming the state school is also academically ok then local with his friends.

Especially important in these covid times.

MrsAvocet · 09/02/2021 23:06

An hour travel at each end of the school day is quite significant. If your local provision was terrible it would probably be worth it, but that doesn't seem to be the case. In our area, the private schools seem to have longer holidays but also longer school days so that could make for a very long day. How would he get there? Is there a bus or would you be driving him? What would happen if he wanted to stay for something after school or got invited round to friends?
Obviously these things aren't insurmountable, but they are worth thinking about. My boys are at a school 20 miles from home. We live in a rural area and longish journeys to school are common and largely unavoidable. We manage fine, but I wouldn't say that it's a non issue. We have a school bus that picks up and drops off at our house but most weeks each of mine is staying behind for something. Fortunately there are lots of families in our village with children at the same school and we have a WhatsApp group in which we arrange lift shares for predictable trips. But there's still the odd "Muuuummm I've missed the bus" or "Mrs Avocet? This is school reception. I'm afraid Avocet junior is unwell and we need you to pick him up as soon as possible please." Weekend sports fixtures, visits to friends etc are all more difficult if school is a long way away. And sod's law dictates that they always find a best friend or a girlfriend who lives just as far from school as you do.......but in a different direction!
It can be quite isolating for a child to be at school a long way from where they live, especially if the majority live local to the school. At least for my children there are many others in the same boat though. Would your son be one of many travelling a long way to the independent school or do most pupils live nearby? That may make a difference. Also, do you have other children? I think that does make some difference as it can make the logistics more difficult. I had one year when all 3 of my children were in different schools/nursery spread over a very large area and nobody enjoyed that much.
Obviously it can be done - lots of people manage with their children at schools a long way away. You will learn to adapt I am sure. But if you don't have to, then I would think carefully about it. There are some real downsides - do the advantages of the school justify them?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 09/02/2021 23:07

Local. I wanted my kids to have friends around the corner and school within walking distance as I didn't and always felt I had missed out on that.

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