'Big School' dilemma - what do experienced parents advise?

[Schoolofsock]

DS enters year 7 in September and we are very lucky to unexpectedly have two options - mixed sex, local, very good state school (selective)OR single sex, outstanding school which is hour travel each way (also selective, private). His primary best friends are going local. We want him to do well academically BUT we also want him to be happy - more the latter of course! Is it better to be local with existing friends or travel for a school with (on paper) better academic outcomes but he would be going on his own and have extra travel time. He is not sure and its not easy as we haven't been able to visit and get a feel on the ground for either school. He's a friendly, sporty kid who usually makes friends easily.

I wanted my dd to go privately. She had a day at an all girls secondary school and I wanted her to at least visit the mixed sex private school. But she refused and insisted on going to a state school. She then didn’t get her first choice school - both this and her secondary are outstanding but the other one is out of catchment and hugely popular, two of her friends got in. We rolled with it and let her know she could always change her mind about going privately. I see that wouldn’t be an option for you though. But really unless my dd really hated it at the school, it wouldn’t be for her either as it’s ripping her away from her friends.

For reference, dd is at a large, non selective (not in 11+ area) outstanding school. I’ve read posts on Mumsnet of parents with children, who have the choice of the grammar and non selective outstanding have chosen the latter even when their child has passed, which I find odd having lived in a selective area. But life has changed since I was at school.

In the main, we are super happy with the school. I contacted the school last week about things not working in lockdown and I obviously targeted the right person as they were incredibly reactive and very grateful for my feedback. This is fab as I was asking for the school to make adjustments.... so all good.

My point is to go with what your ds has said. As others have pointed out, boys do better in a mixed sex environment. Part of the reason for wanting my dd to go to the single sex school is I know girls do better in a single sex environment.

The difference between state and private for me is the people she will come into contact with and the potential opportunities / employer links of the future but I can’t force her to want this at 12. She is speaking grammatically incorrectly to fit in and I am correcting her. Every. Single. Time. Grrr. She’s at the end of yr8 and starting to find her tribe and seems to be coming to the end of the I want to be cool stage.

My dd (current y7) is bright and passed the 11+ from out of catchment for a very academic girls state grammar. We were thrilled as we didn't think she'd get a place (almost no chance if your out of catchment).

But at the end of the day she wanted to go with her friends to the local state school - also very good in academics and facilities but much more comprehensive in intake.

Agonised over it but decided her friend ships were most important and her wishes. So glad we did given it turned out she started y7 in covid, and friendships super important.

Unless the local school is dreadful, which it doesn’t sound like, go there. Two hours travelling everyday is tiring, and will limit opportunities for extra curricular activities, as well as teen independence if all his new school friends live away in the opposite direction!!

As it sounds like both schools are decent, let your son choose. Personally I would 100% go for local and so would all of my children.

As others have said: local. For basically all the reasons others on this thread have said.

Cabbageking we have two places offered - I already explained above. I don't have my dates mixed up!

Thank you so much to everybody who has commented, this has been very helpful. I myself went to both a single sex selective then also a mixed comprehensive so that has probably influenced me as I found the former dramatically better and my academic and social interation took a nose dive at the mixed school. I also travelled an hour to school and don't remember it being that big a deal - I used to do reading for school and homework on the bus so it wasn't wasted time. The private school he has an offer from does have amazing results for boys (ie one of top in country) and its so tempting to pursue that option. BUT we want him to be happy and those of you who've had DC in this situation being 100% for local has helped sway us that way. Roll on September!