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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Big School' dilemma - what do experienced parents advise?

56 replies

Schoolofsock · 09/02/2021 22:17

DS enters year 7 in September and we are very lucky to unexpectedly have two options - mixed sex, local, very good state school (selective)OR single sex, outstanding school which is hour travel each way (also selective, private). His primary best friends are going local. We want him to do well academically BUT we also want him to be happy - more the latter of course! Is it better to be local with existing friends or travel for a school with (on paper) better academic outcomes but he would be going on his own and have extra travel time. He is not sure and its not easy as we haven't been able to visit and get a feel on the ground for either school. He's a friendly, sporty kid who usually makes friends easily.

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 09/02/2021 23:08

Local. For local friends, walking home, being close by for school holidays etc

fizzandchips · 09/02/2021 23:10

I swapped from local co-ed state school to private single sex an hour away for 6th form. Academically I did better than I would have done BUT I couldn’t socialise as it was too far and the journey there and back almost broke me. I couldn’t imagine having to do it every day. I certainly wasn’t happier. I would urge you to chose a local school.

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 09/02/2021 23:11

I like running around so driving to places wouldn't bother me all

converseandjeans · 09/02/2021 23:17

Local. The only reason to travel would be if for example the local school was mediocre and the other school was outstanding with something special he was keen on like great music opportunities or especially good sports on offer.

An hour each way is a lot especially as they get older and have more homework. Also what do you do if he wants to play a sports match? How would he get home?

BetsyBigNose · 09/02/2021 23:23

I would definitely stay local. Don't underestimate the impact of a 2 hour daily commute, especially when they're little Yr 7s! You'll also need to travel to the school for Parents' Evening, school plays and Christmas concerts etc. - don't make it more difficult for yourselves!

There's also the added benefit of a mixed school. I often find that children who go to single sex schools find it harder to interact with the opposite sex as they get older as they haven't had as much experience as those at mixed intake schools.

The other thing to consider is his friends. If most of his Primary friends are going to the local school, that will help him to settle in, in those first few weeks when everything else is new and a little bit scary. Just having some friendly faces around and peers to compare notes with can make all the difference. In my experience (2DDs, in Yr 7 and 9), the children like to socialise (in non-Covid times) outside of school and often meet in local parks, go for bike rides or into town, shopping, which is much easier to do with local friends who live nearby. If they were at a school an hour away, it's possible their closest friends could be another hour away in the other direction, making it near impossible for them to meet up at the weekend, without parents undertaking a 4 hour round trip!

Most schools seem to have video tours of the school available online, so it's worth having a good look at the website and perhaps talking to any of your friends who have children at the schools you're thinking about to try and help you to decide. Good luck!

Gatehouse77 · 09/02/2021 23:24

We opted for a local secondary having done an out of catchment primary. I went to a single sex private school in London and had very few local friends as they came from as far east as Essex, south to Dulwich, north to Mill Hill and west to Amersham.
I feel mine have had a better experience because they could foster friendships and be independent much younger.

Heyahun · 09/02/2021 23:26

Local!
Gawd that travel time if he goes to the other school - to get home and then having to do homework and everything after a long day would be exhausting !

usernamenotavailible · 09/02/2021 23:35

Local. 100%. My eldest in particular has no local friends, so she can’t meet anyone for a socially distanced walk and (pre-covid) had to be driven to wherever she was meeting them.

Becles · 09/02/2021 23:43

Local. Start saving a percentage of the private cost to fund extracurriculars and later on targeted tutoring.

Original poster
Schoolofsock · 09/02/2021 23:43

Thanks all - you're saying what was my gut feeling tbh but I was being swayed by the opportunity of a subsidised place at an amazing school! Shame we can't afford to move to a house nearby.

OP posts:
thisislovelyme · 09/02/2021 23:44

We had this dilemma last year! Very good local state school or very good private school half an hour drive away. Took DD to both and she chose local because she wanted to be with her friends (who are lovely). Huge dilemma though because we feel lucky to have the choice and does DD really know what she's giving up? But local school really is good. We dithered and dithered before choosing local. Now feel very happy with that choice, she's still so close to her friends and the school is excellent. She can decide whether she wants to change at sixth form.

Two hours a day on a bus sounds boring and exhausting.

gingerbiscuits · 09/02/2021 23:53

For what it's worth, I'd go local.

We were in exactly the same boat, 3yrs ago & after much agonising & multiple visits etc, we chose the very good, non-grammar school, 10mins walk away, where all our son's friends were going. I say 'we' as we gave him the final say - we told him to forget absolutely everything, including OUR opinions & just instinctively pick which place he felt more at home, because at the end of the day, he's the one who has to spend at least 5yrs of his life there!

He is THRIVING! He's so happy. The transition was easy as he didn't have any initial angst about making new friends. He's since developed a balance of 'old' & 'new' friends; all of whom are local so he can spend time with them on weekends etc.

His commute is mere minutes, he's been able to stay for after school activities & still be home at a decent time, he still gets time to do 'non school' clubs etc in the evenings, he'll be able to pop home for lunch & study periods from next year, it's conveniently close if I need to give him a lift on my way to work or collect him for any reason, etc.

Our view has always been that if he's fundamentally happy, he'll apply himself & do well, wherever he is. So far, that's definitely been the case, so it was 100% the right decision for him.

Every child is different, though. Good luck - it's a tough decision!

MNerGoneRogueAgain · 10/02/2021 00:09

Why are you asking now when applications for secondary had to be in by 31st October?

If you've just moved, then you've missed the deadline, you'll be a late application and will have to take what you're given

Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople · 10/02/2021 00:23

I'd choose local

Original poster
Schoolofsock · 10/02/2021 00:35

MNerGoneRogueAgain I didn't think I needed to give the whole backstory and wouldn't be asking if we had missed the deadline but as you seem to need to know...we applied for local grammar - not knowing if DS would get a place as very few local kids get in (ironically) and we thought he was borderline. As a very long shot plan B - also applied for a bursary and place at a selective private school that was further away, we thought there was nothing to lose by trying. We have ended up with offers from both which was something we didn't anticipate.

OP posts:
BackToWhereItAllBegan · 10/02/2021 00:46

We had a very similar situation and went for the private boys school, an hour away. Four years later and it was 100% the right choice for DS, he's absolutely thrived and takes full advantage of many opportunities BUT within 6 weeks of him starting we had to put the house up for sale and moved 10 minutes away from school!
The 2 hour round trip was such an enormous chunk out of his day, there was always some sport or extra curricular after school so by the time he got home it was pretty much shower, homework, bed.
We were very lucky to be in a position to move house quickly, if that's not going to be an option for you then I think local is the way to go. Maybe with an option to switch schools for A-levels when he's older and more able to cope with the long long days?

choli · 10/02/2021 00:49

I wouldn't do a two hour commute myself, let alone expect a child to do it.

Geppili · 10/02/2021 01:10

Local!

cabbageking · 10/02/2021 03:34

The deadline for Secondary September 2021 start is long passed?
March 1 is offer day.
Have you got your dates right?

BikeRunSki · 10/02/2021 03:39

@Branleuse

Local. 2 hours travel a day is loads and local friends is a huge deal
Totally agree
Socksey · 10/02/2021 03:43

I would go local.... you say the local school is very good....
And I understand your dilemma as my DS is in an independent as the local schools are really not very good. Socially it is difficult for him but he is involved in a local sports club which has kids from all over the area.... in others clubs he's very much the outsider as he doesn't know the other kids from achool....
If the local schools had been better, then ge would have gone local, for all the reasons mentioned before.... but socially and the commute being the most important

ChestnutStuffing · 10/02/2021 03:49

Local. An hour is too far. It's very difficult to get involved in any kind of extra-curricular stuff, or hang out with friends, when the school is an hour away.

It might be the best of a bad thing if the local school was terrible, but it's not worth it if it's a good school.

lyralalala · 10/02/2021 03:53

Two hours a day travel is massive. An hour at the end of the day is a lot, especially if it’s after after-school activities.

Plus lots of Indys have Saturday school as well.

Unless the other option was absolutely dire I wouldn’t put a child through that amount of travelling.

TryingNotToPanicOverCovid · 10/02/2021 04:19

Absolutely local. As its a grammar it will presumably have a wider catchment too? A mixed sex grammar sounds like the holy grail tbh.

10 hours commute a week x 38 weeks x 7 years is a LOT of time. This could be spent on extra curricular/homework etc.

I wouldn't want my child to be an hour away if they miss the bus/want to stay for a match after school and need a lift home/decide to go to a friends house/etc all the extra stuff of school that you will want him to be part of.

Oblomov21 · 10/02/2021 04:31

If the local is good, definitely go for that.
Ours is excellent. Ds's walking to school, friends, no trains, no tiring travelling, makes a huge difference.