If you come from a normal/non abusive background..

[heylol]

I come from a not great background where lots of abusive and downright strange things went on. I always knew something was wrong...but over the years, especially with talking to others about their backgrounds it became clear to me that I have no idea what normal actually is.

As I try and process and move on from everything I worry that I'm blowing it out of proportion and making it harder for myself. Surely even happy, well adjusted, supportive families have things go wrong?

So my question is, if you would say you come from a great family and had a good upbringing, get on well with your family etc. what is the worst thing that has happened within that rosy picture?

I'd also be interested to know what dynamics you have if you have a happy family.

Our dynamic was that my dad was an extremely angry alcoholic and my mum roped me into trying to manage that and at the same time pretend it wasn't happening. I am guessing that isn't most people's experience?

I come from an abusive background so I can't help you but just wanted to say, I don't think you can compare a normal family on its worst day with the constant drip drip drip of anxiety that you live with in a dysfunctional family. There's not violence and chaos every day, and sometimes even nice things happen, but there's always that threat that if you do or say something even slightly wrong, or just the woman in the shop is a bit short with them or whatever that's it, it all kicks off. I think that has a profound effect on a child in a way that one or two really bad days wouldn't.

The worst thing that happened to our family was my parents breaking up when I was 15. Until about 6 months before that as far as I knew they had a happy marriage and they were good parents.

I come from a loving, non-abusive family. My parents adore me and my brother and my brother and would do anything for us.

The worst things? I don't think they set us up to have a healthy relationship with food - both me and my brother struggle with our weight as adults. Both my mother and my brother have suffered from mild depression in the past - this can happen in any family, even a happy one.

But in terms of relationships, we were shown a good example and are both in happy long term marriages.

Honestly I don't think I can think of a single bad or confusing memory from my life relating to my family. They put down clear boundaries and protected me in every way they could while also giving me the freedom to grow into adulthood. The older I get the more I realise that it's the most valuable gift anyone could ever have given me.

So I would say I had a lovely upbringing, then my world crashed when mum and dad spilt up when I was 14, mainly because I had no clue it was coming. I took it hard and went off the rails for a bit and suddenly be main the main carer for my DB during school holidays because my mum had to work. I had a love hate relationship with my dad for several years.

My dad could be a bit snappy and grumpy.

Other than that the most upsetting things by miles was the deaths of family members which unfortunately is unavoidable.

I come from a happy well adjusted family, I think. It's a bit complex (like most families are) as I have much older half siblings from my mums side, who I am very close with. I also grew up with their children.

But of course a loving family cannot protect you from all of life.

In fact my father was an alcoholic too. He was not abusive (negligent at times because if passing out drunk). It was tough and my mum did lean on me a lot when I was a young teen. My dad was in and out of rehab, eventually ended up in ITU with a brain injury and came out the other side. It was put on my shoulders to say he couldnt return home (after years of this) and he had to start again somewhere else. He remained sober and we do have a relationship of sorts again. He is a flawed as opposed to bad man.

I had unwavering love from my family through all this. We aren't perfect but I feel valued and have good mental health.

Maybe I don't really know what normal is either but I have always considered us generally happy and loving.

@Anycrispsleft I do get what you're saying. It's just so difficult to put into context and move on when you don't have anything to compare it all against.

After I grew up I got into two romantic relationships that looking back on it were horribly abusive, I just didn't know it. Now I've been with my current partner for nearly a decade I can see clearly how wrong it all was just because I have that comparison. So for example when we got together I would storm off or start shouting if we had any kind of disagreement, I literally didn't know that other people just have a tiff and move on a few minutes later. It seems so ridiculous to me now to not know these things.

Redinthefacegirl I think you've hit the nail on the head. You had unwavering love and felt valued despite such difficult times you had as a family. It wasn't that life wasn't shit at times but you had support. I think that's the key.

I don't think its quite as binary as "abusive vs non-abusive", though. Obviously an abusive family is traumatic and damaging in a way that a more well-adjusted and loving family isn't. But there are lots of shades of grey and its possible to grow up with warped views and boundaries even if you have a "normal" family.

My family set-up was definitely non-abusive and loving but there were some difficult dynamics in there which have left lifelong scars despite the fact it was basically healthy: my dad was a (very high functioning) alcoholic, he also had children from a previous marriage with whom his relationship was very difficult and my mum was very resentful about the lack of freedom and agency she had in the marriage.

I think every family is different and different things affect the children in different ways. For example I maintained a good and close relationship with my dad even though he could be a bit of an arsehole while my sister had a lot of resentment towards him. Mainly just because of our personalities.

We're still learning so much about the way family dynamics affect children. Obviously there are some behaviours which its important to avoid (abuse/alcoholism), and others (clear boundaries and good open communication) which are desirable, but I don't think there's a single "happy family" blueprint.

My family weren't physically abusive but we had our trials. My dad was an alcoholic, as was his mother. I suppose there was emotional abuse. I suffered from an eating disorder when I was younger and did end up in abusive relationship

I think my dad is quite a broken person and unfortunately passed on his anxiety and depression.

I think we all have our crosses to bear but obviously some upbringings are far, far worse than others.

I come from a mixture! Snap on the alcoholic angry father, but my mum kicked him out and did an amazing job of raising me and my two siblings herself. We had an otherwise "normal" childhood where exam stresses, loss of grandparents etc were the biggest issues. In adulthood I also think we've had the same mixture as most people - across the wider family, some bereavement, some serious illness, some redundancy; but also some happy marriages, promotions, new children joining the family through birth and through adoption.

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying that's fantastic it does exist then!

Just to add OP that I totally get the dynamic that you had with your mum and dad, with your mum roping you in to "managing" and sweeping under the carpet your dad's alcoholism. I don't think mine was as acute as yours but similar in some ways.

What is interesting is that I still feel more resentment towards my mum over that than my dad (which I know isn't fair), while my siblings feel differently.

I grew up in a house with a lot of shouting. I assumed that was normal. It was always easier when other people were around, as my parents would be on their best behaviour

My DH is quiet and not too fussed about company. When we sit and watch a film with the kids, I think they are lucky to be able to relax in the peace and quiet

I think we all grow up thinking our life is normal. Takes a while to learn that other people live differently

I'm just shocked how rare it is. There are no weird dynamics or resentments between us at all. But we are not hugely emotional people and value respect for each other probably the most. Even if we disagree with something we'd be supportive.

I could have written your post. Alcoholic, aggressive, non working father and a mother who for some reason tried to hide that from the outside world. I had to pretend to others he worked and was fine ... including to him (?!). As I grew more questioning of this as a teen, she used to bribe me with money not to ‘set him off’. It’s crazy looking back at that now.

I married someone a bit useless but not aggressive and divorced him as wanted my children to have a happier home. My mother was so angry with me and tried to give me money not to get divorced (!)

The point above about the constant worry of something setting them off rings so true. Here I you’d never know the mood he’d come home in. Or something as simple as a comment could lead to him smashing plates off walls.

It’s a mystery why I’m so anxious 🧐

My kids live in a lovely, calm home. Sometimes I think I’m failing and then I look back and think no ...

My family were loving and absolutely not abusive. However, my mother’s wartime mentality and my father’s struggle with life post war left me with very low expectations of marriage. Having only older sisters and spending my whole education in a convent school meant I had no understanding of males or how to relate to them.

So despite my pretty functional family upbringing and good education I was still not well set up for making good life choices around men.

Quite a few people who had a mixture of good and bad.

@moita some people do have an awful upbringing and that's what makes me sometimes wonder if I'm framing this correctly in my mind.

My situation has sort of come to a head over the last few years as I could no longer continue to have my parents in my life. Not because of the past but things that were going on at the time/now. I'd like to reconnect with them but there would have to be some improvement and there's no point asking for something that doesn't exist.

My brother sexually abused me when I was young and when I finally told my mother, her response was 'well that's boys for you' I am paraphrasing, but that was essentially her response. We are low contact now! Not surprisingly... but she still speaks to him, and continues to mention him to me, despite what I told her and I have zero contact with him for the last 30yrs.

@thepeopleversuswork I'm an only child and I do sometimes wonder if I had a sibling what would their take on things be. Just another person's viewpoint can be very grounding in a way.

Do you think your resentment could ever go away? Is it less than it was?

I really resent myself tbh. I think I should have made a stand and stuck up for myself more, insisted certain things that happened were wrong or left.

Usually I was quiet and very passive but on 2 occasions I really stood up to my dad and the thing is, he backed down. As bullies do. I guess I was frustrated that my mum pandered to his shit behavior and made it worse even when she found it useful to get me to deal with him because he was ever so slightly wary of me. The only reason for that is that he knew if he pushed me way too far I would push back. He wore me down in the end though, but I let him. it goes without saying that my mum is a very downtrodden, angry person. I think that's where my shit romantic relationships came from, like loving someone automatically means tension, insults, bullying, aggression.

The thing is, day to day you just have to get on with life. It's also natural to try and comfort yourself and keep moving forward. Otherwise none of us could ever get through a bad day but then there's a point where a situation is actually wrong in itself. It's like on here everyone says LTB if anyone has a sometimes very minor problem. At what point do you say this isn't a bad day this is unacceptable? I haven't got much of an idea.

@OnlyHappyWhenEating I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you have a happy life now.

The worst thing from my otherwise happy childhood was being forced to go to church/Sunday school every week - I knew by age 7 that I was not a believer!

I remember once being very cheeky to my mum. She was sweeping the kitchen floor at the time and she shouted at me to get upstairs. I was about 10. She followed me and stood at the bottom of the stairs shaking the broom at me while I stood at the top and put out my tongue. She then put out her tongue and got the giggles. In the end I was sitting giggling on the top step and she was giggling at the bottom. We met half way, I said sorry and we had a cuddle. That is one of 3 ‘bad’ incidents excluding things like death and illness. I was much loved and an only child.

So I wouldn't say my parents were abusive or neglectful but they made some strange choices in my parenting.

The worst thing - I was suicidal aged 13 and my mother refused to take time off to care for me so I was sent to live in a hospital 3 hours away for 6 months. Having a visit one afternoon a week.

This refusal to leave work thing was very strange - my father also refused to leave his job when I had an incredibly serious injury and someone had brought me to his place of work... instead insisting my mother come and take me to hospital for the operation to solve this actual life or death issue... I was 9 I believe.

She also didn't believe me when I told her as an young adult that I had been raped.