To ask about your long term friend break ups

[Edenspirits]

I’m having issues with my best friend of 25 years and feeling like we might have reached the end of the friendship road and it’s extremely upsetting. We don’t live in the same town, lives are at different points and it’s just narky and difficult. The pandemic seems to have been the final straw.

I feel like it’s me making most of the effort now and it’s starting to make me feel a bit stupid, like I am clinging on. She has said a few things recently that have upset me but she won’t take responsibility for them & kind of throws it back at me in a ‘I’m sorry you feel that I have upset you- I hope you feel better soon’ kind of way.

I just find it hard to let go of long term friendships even if they don’t really ‘work’ anymore - it’s a bit like a long term relationship in some ways isn’t it?

Aibu to ask you for your stories of similar friend issues after so many years- I find the perspectives on here really helpful. I have other long term friends who I still get on really well with but it’s harder when it’s your ‘best friend’ and you have been through so much together.

Just let it fade away.
I have let a friendship go and been the one let go.
I don't miss either friendship now. In hindsight they were draining, negative people despite the friendship we once enjoyed.

I share your pain OP ⚘
You have to respect their decision and let go.

My school friend has distant herself and I came to terms with losing her. It does get easier! It's been just over a year for me.

No arguments/ fall out. Our lives are at different stages and no longer 'fit'

I questioned her loyalty, but if its not meant to be. Am sure someone will treasure your friendship dearly.

Stop punishing yourself or forcing the friendship. Just let things go, one day you guys can be close again but for now your peace is what you deserve.

We got on well for decades as non parents. Then became parents. She had a perfect baby toddler, mine was fucking wilful.
She made snide comments and talked about "booking me in" so I let her go. Cba.
Just as well seeing all the problems I've had with mine both physically and mentally.
Her kid has blossomed into a perfect teen (probably).

@HeidiHaughton thanks, thats good advice, I do find it hard but maybe I will feel better once I let go. It’s just making me feel shit at the moment!

I ghosted 1 friend after 8 years.. No regrets.
Another 1 of about 5 years I emailed ending the friendship.. Both appropriate given the circumstances.. So what feels right for you op... Maybe the fade away suggested is a good one. Be less available..

@54321GoGoGo yes, I do have lots of lovely people in my life but she has been my friend that I can ring in the middle of the night so that’s what makes it harder I guess. But it’s really upsetting me. Am glad it’s got easier for you x

@Chimeraforce yea kids change things too don’t they

I feel similar to you in that relationships are similar to friendships. I have also had some that have run their course and found it very distressing. Most of the time I take a step back first and leave it a while before seeing them.

I did this with my oldest friend about 12 years ago when I felt we were growing apart and her behaviour towards me was upsetting me. After some space (no fight or argument) we met up again and it felt like we had never been apart. She is still my lifelong best friend and acknowledges now how difficult she was back then and how different we were at the time.

Other friends that I have had (not as long friendships as friend above but intense close friendships of between 3-10 years), have not gone as well.

I distanced myself from one a few years ago and missed her so much. We had so many good memories together. I started speaking to her again a couple of years ago when we had both settled down and had kids and we agreed to meet up a couple of times. Both times I remembered why I had distanced myself from her in the first place, she liked to go out, get drunk and talk to strangers. She was very bossy and controlling and wouldn't let me go home early. We met at a restaurant at 6pm and when I went to order food she got annoyed with me as she only wanted to drink all night. I cant be doing with this anymore, I just want to relax and chat if I meet my friends, not try to get attention from random people. We want different things. Most people I have distanced myself from have gone the same way, we all change and want different things and no longer remain compatible.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, and sometimes a lifetime. Sometimes a friendship serves its purpose and its okay to let go. Even for a little while.

I had a good friend for over 20 years, since primary school. We had babies within a few months of each other. It soon became apparent our parenting styles were very different and her usually harmless competitiveness ramped up to an unbearable level. She moved away (to get her dc into a better school than the one mine went to ) and the friendship slowly dwindled. We're still 'friends' on fb but that's it really. I do miss the way we were but people change and I guess it's just part of life, sadly.

I tend to withdraw if I feel a friendship isn't working and kind of keep it on the back burner rather than cut ties, because sometimes life changes again and the friendship works again. But then I've lost friends because they perceive I've become 'cold' and they get offended. Personally I feel its OK for friends to move into different positions at different points in life, and if I've had a good friendship I find it hard to end in completely.

Same here op. It's torture.

Mine also takes no responsibility- I find like she gaslights me quite a lot. Can't accept when she's upset me and turns it around on me.

I've pulled away but then it's like when she senses I am she pops up again with messages etc. It's really odd, I have no idea what she wants or expects from me.

We are at different stages of life (me childfree, she's got 2 young girls) and while I thought it would change, I've seen a really horrible side to her. She expects me to do all the running and be understanding as she has kids (fine) but she's not a good friend to me in return and I get no allowances -for example she wasn't there at all when I had a close bereavement. It was all about her and she had a million excuses for why. She also is there for other friends so I know that she's making excuses. It hurts.

It's taken me a long time but I'm becoming more detached. I'd drive myself crazy otherwise. One day I think enough will be enough.

Try and pull back would be my advice. Look after yourself. You are worth more than the scraps of friendship you get, we both are.

Like @HeidiHaughton I've been the one dropped in one friendship and the one who did the dropping in the other.

Both relationships took a lot of energy that I didn't really account for until they were over. The friendship I ended was definitely a "call in the middle of the night" type friend, we had lived together, we were like sisters. But actually it was a v codependent and unhealthy relationship in a lot of ways. Took me a while to accept

@HeidiHaughton

Just let it fade away. I have let a friendship go and been the one let go. I don't miss either friendship now. In hindsight they were draining, negative people despite the friendship we once enjoyed.

This is good advice. I've let a 25 year friendship fade because when I finally needed her support she wasn't there for me. I feel a little sad, but it ran it's course. Turns out it was a very one sided friendship.

@LagneyandCasey

I also relate to losing friends when you have children. People can be so different when you have kids, and when you have the at the same time it can drive you apart rather than bringing you together. I let go of one friend for her competitiveness over our babies. It just bored me and she seemed to have really low self esteem to be trying to put me down all the time.

It was a good move. It freed me up to let more positive people in my life. I am really happy with my friwnds in my life right now and I am just glad I stopped spending energy on people that didn't make me feel good, because of a sense of duty or the time I had sunk into them. It does take time to come to terms with like any break up but I feel so much happier and stronger now.

@Cpl415642 yea, me & my friend we’re a bit like sisters too. I think that’s what makes it harder

i was very close friends with a girl from about 16 onwards.

wee had a lot of laughs together and then she had a baby and i was very involved with her child-helping out etc

she was very direct-said if she was pissed off with me but if i tried to do the same it would trigger grief and arsiness

then i had my own children and we had very very different parenting styles-i got the impression that she thought i was disapproving of her standards but actually, i just wanted to parent MY children in my way. she would get stroppy if i stopped my child doing something that she was merrily allowing her child to do-does that make sense?

anyway, one day we were chatting on the phone and she was really unkind and after that i stopped making an effort to call, waited for her to call me. she didn't so i didn't.

years later she messaged me trying to get back in touch but i couldn't give her headspace.

it was very very hard and i cried a lot and had bad dreams about it all.

My friend met her partner and then for a while disappeared from my life but then had a go at me when I made new friends. I felt like I couldn’t win in the end

Yep I had a very close friend - we were in uni together, did loads of travelling together after uni, moved away for a working visa in Canada together, lived together etc - super close and super close to each other’s families

But once Home and I got a full time job and a boyfriend etc - she couldn’t handle it - wanted me to be available all the time to do stuff with her like the old days.
We still spent heaps of time together when I could outside of work etc.

I moved away with my boyfriend (now husband) and she went mad - how could i leave her etc - it was really overbearing.

Basically could never come to terms with me having a partner and a job and a life outside of her - never could be happy for me at all - phone calls were draining - meet ups when I was home were draining - she refused to meet in a group or attend anything my husband or other friends were at - had to be one to one.

I just let the communication slide really and eventually we just stopped speaking at all - she’s since blocked me on all platforms and tbh I don’t even care - feels like a weights been lifted off me.

I just stopped speaking to/contacting a friend after she would always belittle the bad things I was going through at the time. The final straw came when she had something of mine in her possession which I really needed for work and she would not give it to me. It was a shame it happened like that cos we were so close for ages but even now I find her patronising and pompous (traits I could overlook before she also started being a bad friend to me).

@Heyahun that sounds really similar to my situation too- we travelled together etc. It’s made me feel better reading all these stories- I have been really feeling uncomfortable with it all and blaming myself

Not a whole lot to add except that imo it's very hard to go back from "narky and difficult" - I had this with a friend and it feels like breaking a delicate mechanical thing with a thousand small pieces and then trying to put it back together.

I'd also add, don't underestimate the effect of the pandemic. I've had a number of my friendships go a bit funny under the pressure and with different expectations of social contact during lockdown - some closer, some more distant, some under home pressure etc. It's worth factoring in before calling time on a relationship imo.

@EssentialHummus yea, I have thought about the impact of the pandemic too but it was going wrong before then to be honest

I agree it is difficult to let go of a friendship when someone has been in your life for so long, but sometimes life takes you in different directions and you just grow apart. You find that your outlooks on life are different, and you can't go back in time to the way it was.

I’ve recently come to the conclusion I need to let one of my oldest friendships fade away. We’re very different now in terms of what we have each prioritised in life. She is also very busy and has a lot on her plate. I wonder whether she has seen me as unsupportive, however my perspective is that there isn’t any time/space for me in her life as she always seems to have something going on.

It is sad, but I’m glad we haven’t fallen out. Fading away is the best way to describe it really.

I'm in a similar boat and it is very hard.

I don't feel this friend and I are close any more, we've got extremely different lives and have grown into really contrasting personalities (not in a negative way for either of us, the best analogy I could give is if one person was an all-out sunshine and rainbows Disney loving adult and one was a grumpy politics obsessive who hates positivity for the sake of it - it's not quite that, but similar). She also hasn't really accepted that we're different people now and makes (innocent, but unintentionally hurtful) comments about how I was a teenager and how weird it is that I'm acting 'not like myself' when actually I'm just... an adult now.

If I were to tell her this, she wouldn't get it, and would dismiss it (it's part of what's made me realise we're not really a good fit friendship wise any more).

But how to make it happen? We have so many mutual friends that a gentle fade out wouldn't be possible so it would have to be a deliberate 'this isn't working', like an actual breakup. And then she'd be hurt or, possibly worse in the long run, wouldn't take it seriously.

So complicated. I've always said it should be possible to break up with someone platonically, wish them well, and just end it there. Seems odd that there's a 'done thing' for ending a romantic relationship reasonably amicably but not a friendship.