To ask about your long term friend break ups

[Edenspirits]

I’m having issues with my best friend of 25 years and feeling like we might have reached the end of the friendship road and it’s extremely upsetting. We don’t live in the same town, lives are at different points and it’s just narky and difficult. The pandemic seems to have been the final straw.

I feel like it’s me making most of the effort now and it’s starting to make me feel a bit stupid, like I am clinging on. She has said a few things recently that have upset me but she won’t take responsibility for them & kind of throws it back at me in a ‘I’m sorry you feel that I have upset you- I hope you feel better soon’ kind of way.

I just find it hard to let go of long term friendships even if they don’t really ‘work’ anymore - it’s a bit like a long term relationship in some ways isn’t it?

Aibu to ask you for your stories of similar friend issues after so many years- I find the perspectives on here really helpful. I have other long term friends who I still get on really well with but it’s harder when it’s your ‘best friend’ and you have been through so much together.

@whoamongstus but she hurts you. Her feelings aren't your responsibility. Could you go LC?

My ‘best friend’ of 25 years became increasingly flaky and unreliable until she ghosted me completely. She hadn’t been a good friend for a long time but I stuck with it as I don’t have many old friends (moved a lot as a child). I felt a bit like I’d failed somehow. But actually she has dumped every friend she has ever had, and her sister who I am still close friends with. It’s not me, it’s her. My life is better without her. Still hurts though.

It is like a relationship ending. It can be better for you in the long run but still hurts and needs time to heal.

I had a friend who was very needy and she eventually dumped me because she didn't think I was devoting enough time to her. I can't say I was terribly disappointed.

I ended a 40 year friendship. This friend considered us best friends especially in our 20’s and 30’s. The truth was she’s always had an unpleasant streak and whilst she was never unpleasant with me, she treated mutual friends badly. I got to my mid 40’s and realised I didn’t have space for some one like that in my life. I avoided her until it got embarrassing then I addressed it. I should have addressed it sooner. We’re no longer in contact but retain mutual friends. Not regretted it once. NC for this post

It's a sad but inevitable thing sometimes. I lost my best friend a few years ago, we had been friends for 20 years. It started with her drifting but never acknowledging it, overnight just stopping replying to messages, barely batting an eyelid when I had a baby, always having an excuse not to meet, if ever I came by to pick something up there was some sort of social gathering going on which I wasn't invited to. But when we did see each other she was full of apologies. We literally went from being each others' go to friend, automatically inviting each other on days out, texting through the day, my supporting her through all sorts of stuff to pretty much nothing. She started changing, keeping new company and not being someone I would choose to spend time with or have my kids around.

Eventually a year or so later down the line she fell out with the new friendship group and was full of apologies, we tentatively started seeing each other more but it was never the same. Too much water under the bridge, and things said that I couldn't forget. The dynamic had changed. I felt second best, boring.

We are now in the position that we rarely speak or meet up, but our pasts and families are still connected, if that makes sense. If she or her family needed something, and I could help without giving too much of myself again I would do so and vice versa. But she isn't my go to anymore, or my default. And that makes me sad sometimes, but that's life.

A friendship from primary school - strong all though teens and 20s. Floundered a bit in our 30s, finally died a death in our 40s. I feel like i grew and changed and she resented it. In a very small nut shell! In hindsight i did loads for her physically (gave her a home for 9 months at one point) and mentally (hours and hours of listening to her go over her therapy sessions) but when the shit hit the fan for me about 10 years ago she buggered off!

Another friendship which was strong through my late 30s and into my 40s just died a death and i have no idea why to this day!

Give yourself permission to 'grieve' the friendship too.

Mine just turned one day. I still don't know what caused it. I still think about her a lot as we had a great friendship for so many years, we grew up together. I miss who I thought she was. But I don't miss the person she became once she decided I wasn't good enough.

I was very close friends with someone for several years - spent a lot of time together, supported each other etc.

It became apparent a while ago that I had outgrown my usefulness and she couldn’t be bothered to put the effort in once I wasn’t the most convenient option.

Her and her DH have always been pretty lazy and will opt for whatever the easiest option is in anything so I perhaps should have seen it coming.

I eventually gave up and tried to slowly back away but she called me on it and when I explained she turned it all round onto me and refused any responsibility.

It really hurt and I miss her friendship but this has all shown me that she isn’t the person I thought she was. She’s actually not a very nice person.

People change and it can be really hurtful but I think you need to let yourself grieve a friendship a bit before you can just get over it.

I’ve gone very very low contact with a long term close friend. Was even my bridesmaid. Unfortunately I gave what I could, time, money the lot! But it was never enough and the constant negativity from her and ignoring asked for (common sense) advice was just draining. I ended up moving away and used it as an opportunity to distance myself emotionally as well. I know she probably complains about me being a crap friend to anyone who’ll listen, but I honestly don’t care. I began to dread spending time with her.

Ironically, quite a few of her friends and even family stopped making time for her in the years we were friends and I used to feel sorry for her. But now I get it. I do feel guilty, but life’s too short to be around people who bring you down constantly and give nothing back.

I fell out with my long term friend- I am so sad about it as we were genuinely soul mates and so alike in every way.

But she changed after getting a new partner which resulted in many things happening and us falling out.
This was 5+ years ago now and we’ve tried making up 3 times but end up falling out again - I feel like we are too different now and it’s not possible to go back to being so close.

I do hope to one day be civil again.

Sometimes you have to look out for yourself OP and put yourself first.

When I got ghosted by an old friend, it felt like I'd lost part of my past. We'd been through some big experiences together, living together as single parents when our babies were little. Her wider family were lovely to me. Later with new partners and kids we all got on well, camping together and having a great time. I took her seriously (although we had a lot of laughs), our lives seemed to track each others, we ended up studying in the same town, kids going to same nursery. kids being pages/bridesmaids at weddings. sigh. Something bad happened between the kids when they grew up iykwin and she might be running scared. I've had to let it go. It took me ages for the penny to drop that I'd been dumped but hey life goes on.

Sometimes friendships are so one sided that they eventually just fizzle out, one of mine did. Helped them through a difficult relationship, a divorce, moving house and a new partner . I didn’t like her partner, they are aggressive and manipulative ,she confided in me and I voiced my concern and she withdrew. Funnily enough not from any other friend but I reckon her partner ‘encouraged’ her to drop me as I’m ‘the gobby one’ 😂😂. Obviously knew I was on to his crap.

Her loss as I have always been a good friend, shame she didn’t return the favour when I was in need, my true friends were there for me.

Yes OP has happened to me too, some friendships just fade away and i think that's just natural...and to be expected to some extent... But one friend just completely disappeared one weekend never to be seen again (in friendship terms, I did see her occasionally ) we were friends on the Thursday and by Monday.. completely ghosted me....nothing had happened...i will never know but spent months agonising over this, such a waste of time! But then u do have to 'let go so give yourself time. In retrospect it was for the best. Covid/lockdowns etc will change a lot of things for friendships i think....

No one ever talks about friend divorces, but they should! There was something in the Observer a few weeks ago about a couple of friends who went to relationship counselling when they hit a rough patch. Sometimes a little step back for a while can help. It may be that you are the target of narkyness because you are growing apart, but it may also be that you are the 'safe' person to take out frustration on. Not that this is ok, but it does happen at times. I had a friend like this - we had been friends for a few years, she got ill, went all through chemo supporting her, but as she got better she was more and more nasty. Lots of sniping, sarky comments, keeping me dangling when trying to make plans, putting me down. I tried to talk about it to her, but she kept batting it all away. When she was well enough to go back to work I took a step back, realized that the dynamic which had been upsetting me had started way before her diagnosis and broke the friendship. It did not feel good but looking back, I think I would have cut it off way before if she hadn't have been sick. It left a hole in my life when I ended contact, but also like being out of an abusive relationship. My advice is to take a step back if you can, then make some tentative steps to being in touch again. If the behavior continues, you will have to stop contact. Life is too short.

I've been there & tbh 18 months on I do still miss her, but I miss the friend she was not the person she actually is if that makes sense. She was there for me at a very difficult time & I won't ever forget or not appreciate it but we're different people now. She's a narcissist & while I'm not perfect I realised a friendship
can't just be me constantly apologising for perceived slights when she can't accept that her behaviour at times has been hurtful to me. Dh & other friends had been pointing out the pattern that had developed over the last few years a lot but being a bit of a people pleaser it didn't click that things weren't good for a while. Truthfully I should have stood up for myself sooner, would have saved us both time & emotional energy.

It's really difficult. Since having my daughter in 2018 me and one of my best friends have slowly (actually I think it was quite sudden looking back) drifted apart.

We haven't spoken now since August 2020 and that was just me congratulating her on the birth of her son. Before that we hadn't spoken for months. I had invited her on my hen party and wedding and she declined both. She then had a baby shower and didn't invite me so I just took the hint in the end. Since then I have also fallen pregnant and put an announcement on Facebook which I know she's seen because a mutual friend has told me and she didn't even like it. This is a friend of over 10 years, we have been through an awful lot together with death in our group of friends and very deep stuff.

I tried to talk to her about it in 2019 and ask what I had done for her to become so distant and she was so cold with me. She said I had done nothing and she's just a shit friend and I should just deal with that basically. She said the 'sorry I've made you feel that way' line and she appreciated the things I have done for her in the past and then that was it really. The end of that friendship. It's just upsetting that she can't even seem to remain civil. It's like torture not knowing what you've done.

Hope you manage to find peace with it soon, it is like a break up and hard to go through.

Yes some run their course. Our texts are friendly but again unless I do the chasing.. you get fed up keeping it going if they not making an effort too. Didnt see her in 2020 with covid lockdowns

My best friend really let me down when my children came along. It wasn’t the first time she let me down but it was the biggest time. We had been best friends for a long time but I just couldn’t get past her not being there when I really needed her to be. This was 10 years ago now. I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt and she never replied. A couple of years ago she contacted me through Facebook and we chatted briefly on messenger. Long story but not long after she did something else that really pissed me off and I haven’t had any contact since. Sometimes friendships just end and it’s really sad. I was hurt for a long time but I’m over it now and ultimately I’m glad I didn’t try and drag it out.

It's hard. I stopped a friendship 15 years ago and I miss her. It built up gradually but ended in an argument and an email that I never read. We have reconnected recently which is lovely but we still don't speak, if that makes sense. It depends what u really want to do. At the time, it was the right thing for me as I couldn't deal with the drama (from both of us).

As others have said maybe just fade for now and see what transpires. I ended a similarly long friendship but it was one that had been fraught with some rather nasty incidents in the past. Finally in my 40s another couple
Of things happened and that was enough . Unfortunately it did end in an argument but I don’t miss her bizarre drama. Second one we met at a toddler thing became very
Close and helped her through a divorce amongst other things. I then met some new folk and perhaps wasn’t always available but very much putting her first but she started to cool our friendship. I called her on it she admitted she was jealous but It never really recovered despite lots of effort on my part. Anyway I rarely ask her out or text her now as it was so one sided and she never texts me first and Very rarely asks
Me to do anything maybe 4 times In 5 years . So I’ve left that to fade and the odd time we meet up it’s very nice but not the same and I miss our old Friendship. She also has a long term partner now so really no need of
Me.

How sad to read all the posts on this one. I realise it happens to many people, the cutting off of a friend or the feeling of being blanked and rejected for no apparent reason.
I have had to cut ties with someone I considered almost a soulmate and confidante. On discovering this person was disloyal and worse, I felt I had no choice but to sever the friendship. I found this person displayed an even nastier side because they continued to discuss me in a very bad way after the friendship ended. People are only too happy to pass on juicy tales and I felt so betrayed and hurt but I also felt a fool for being so trusting. I know I should not have felt like that but couldn't help it.
A family member has also betrayed my trust on several occasions and after a few years of putting up with this as they were closely related, I had enough one day and now will not speak to that person again. They think what they did was not so hurtful to be cut off but I felt it was and still do.
These situations and memories have made me extremely wary of getting close to new people. Not a nice way to live.

I ghosted a friend of 15 years
I’d spent about 2-3 years reducing contact and thinking about what to do. I didn’t want to lose such a long (and at times very good!)friendship, but one day it was the final straw, I realised I’d been unhappy with the friendship for years and it was toxic and I didn’t know what I was fighting for anymore

I ghosted her 3.5 years ago now. I still think about her and sometimes feel sad that we don’t talk anymore, but also it’s like a weight has been lifted. All the time I spent worrying about her negative reactions, being mental and emotionally prepared for her negative unsolicited comments about my life and choices, and her general bizarre drama - That’s all gone and I’m much happier.

I distanced myself from my long term best friend, whom I knew from reception age.

I got married and moved away, it would always be myself making the effort to stay in touch, my life became very busy and when I would go back to my hometown, we would always meet up but she would always say that I dont keep in touch, and to
Ensure I do. I told her it works both ways, I do my best to stay in contact, but my life is way more hectic. Just got to a point where I felt, why am I the one chasing her about, why doesn't she mssg to see how I am.
She then was getting married and told me two weeks prior to the wedding, very little notice, I live so far away, I will have to shop for an outfit, and gift.
I ended up telling her I wish she had told me sooner, it's too short notice so I most likely won't attend. Am glad I didn't, she got all our friends matching outfits, even for friends that she isn't even close to, yet nothing for me? She didn't even tell me the colour theme.
I still sent her flowers and a gift prior to her wedding, which she didn't respond to, she was posting online every gift she received, left mine out.

I never saw her after that, I still go to my hometown to see family but don't see her. Safe to say our friendship is over
I do get sad when I look back at photos, so much good memories come flooding back and it's a shame we no longer have that relationship.

I had a friend of over 20 years who stopped responding to me. Although it was a far while ago I still miss her. I laughed with her like no one else. She dropped me at a time when DH was quite unwell, she had lots going on I think and couldn't be arsed to be around for me and tbh I had begun to feel like she struggled to fit me in even before that. Her DS has since achieved a sporting triumph - representing his nation. I longed to contact her, just to say how brilliant it was, particularly as I had supported her through a difficult pregnancy with him. I thought that if I did, she would either get back in contact, and I would know she felt I had forced her hand, or ignore me and I would think her very ignorant. So a no win situation and I did nothing. I'm still so happy for him and her though