To ask about your long term friend break ups

[Edenspirits]

I’m having issues with my best friend of 25 years and feeling like we might have reached the end of the friendship road and it’s extremely upsetting. We don’t live in the same town, lives are at different points and it’s just narky and difficult. The pandemic seems to have been the final straw.

I feel like it’s me making most of the effort now and it’s starting to make me feel a bit stupid, like I am clinging on. She has said a few things recently that have upset me but she won’t take responsibility for them & kind of throws it back at me in a ‘I’m sorry you feel that I have upset you- I hope you feel better soon’ kind of way.

I just find it hard to let go of long term friendships even if they don’t really ‘work’ anymore - it’s a bit like a long term relationship in some ways isn’t it?

Aibu to ask you for your stories of similar friend issues after so many years- I find the perspectives on here really helpful. I have other long term friends who I still get on really well with but it’s harder when it’s your ‘best friend’ and you have been through so much together.

I had a falling out with a long term friend, lots of stuff in our own lives, lockdown and some snappy moments and crossed wires really.

I missed her terribly at first and was quite cross for a little while but over time the emotions faded and I still thought of her occasionally and wished her well. She had had her faults, but I realised that sometimes I had expected too much from her and had relied on her a bit too much at times.

A good few months down the line I offered to get in touch with her for another friend who didn't know her and it turned out she had missed me too.
She had time to cool off as well and we both apologised for the mess, the friendship has naturally picked again up from there. Oh and she was able to help the other person too which was good of her.

Maybe a bit of time away from each other could help everyones' perspective if you don't want to give up on the friendship just yet?

Let her go, she's no longer a friend

I had a university friend for about 20 years, slowly we drifted apart, I instigated a few get together suggestions, she never bothered to find a suitable time. Eventually she phoned me and I met her at my work, it was clear she was pumping me for work connections and information, and has only subsequently met me whilst meeting mutual friends at my house, that she actually met through me in the first place - in sure she'd Wendy me if given the chance. She's made me feel really uncomfortable at certain occasions like baby shower and hen do, she also used to fleece friends with money, like pay bills on her credit card snd pocket change plus tips herself - she was renowned for it, getting her to buy a round or pay you back was hard work.
I've realised she's actually a bit of a cow and actually very content she's not whom I'd call a friend, I snooze her on FB these days and one day will delete her - perhaps today 🧐

I'm glad you've started this thread , OP, I would imagine lots of people are re-evaluating friendships as our lives have changed over the last year.

I'm currently trying to work out how to 'end' a friendship with two others after 25 years.

Lockdown has really made me see all we had in common was a love of going out for beers . We met up once for a drink last Autumn as lockdown eased, and it was pretty awful. Nothing to really talk about, and what we did talk about we were at odds at.

They are the same as they were when I first met them as far as our friendship is concerned, but in 25 years I'd like to think I've changed a bit!

Now, I think I'd just like to shake their hands and wish them well, but then not 'fear' or 'worry' about when I next have to see them.

I just hope it's as obvious to them as it is to me.

One lesson I have taught my children is that you don't have to be 'friends for life' with every friend. I have been friends with people over the decades, some who I might only see once a year if even because of circumstances, but they bring so much happiness to me when we meet it doesn't matter. I have also had the sort of intense relationships some describe on here, the 'call at 3am' sort. In hindsight they were never going to last, the same way an old boyfriend I had that sort of relationship wasn't the same sort of man I'd commit to for life. It is fine to have the 'go for a beer' friend too. As long as it doesn't feel like a chore to meet up.

I could have written your post OP. Including the bit about not taking responsibility for upsetting comments and just being a general shitty friend.

I have no advice because I have no idea what to do either. Sending you and solidarity.

I’ve had to end two friendships in recent years. One was a dear school friend who had been my best friend for 20 years and it culminated in me relieving her from her bridesmaids duties and removing her from my wedding two months before the big day. Looking back I think she was jealous as I was getting married before her as she had been with her partner long than I’d been with my DH. She just became really nasty and petty about everything to do with my wedding, even though I bent over backwards to keep the peace and placate her (things like changing the bridesmaids dresses twice because she didn’t like them and I thought I was being nice by wanting them to wear something they liked and were comfortable in). I think the final straw came when she told me that my wedding ‘isn’t just about you you know’ and I was being selfish about some detail or other. She also would not get on with my sister who is so laid back she’s practically horizontal and wouldn’t rise to any bait- she got drunk and told me my sister ‘was a horrible person’ and then wouldn’t apologize. We have a group of mutual friends and they all assured me that she seemed to have gone batshit and it wasn’t my fault (I did double check I hadn’t morphed into some awful bridezilla and hadn’t noticed, but no, I wasn’t the problem!)

My second friend was one of my bridesmaids (this one made the cut ha ha!). I have supported her from one disaster to another for several years (mostly of her own doing I might add) but we had a good relationship and a lot of fun. When I got pregnant she was super excited for me but once the baby was born I never heard from her again. She told me she got a card and a present for the baby, and was going to send me flowers. Never materialized. I know other people’s kids are boring and for that reason I deliberately don’t talk about my DD unless someone asks so it’s not like I was boring her to death and she cut me out due to that. I even said I can’t wait to go out with friend so I can feel like Yumyum again, not just ‘mum’. It’s been 18 months now and there’s only so many times I can check in with her, ask how she is and if she wants to catch up with her ignoring DD before it gets old.

I do still feel awful and sad some days missing my old friends (I do struggle a bit with social anxiety so sometimes I do question if it was something I did) but I look back at their behavior and think actually I’m better off without them now. Ending a friendship is like a relationship breakup (sometimes you’ve been friends longer than you’ve been with your OH!) so it is hard, but remember you’d end a romantic relationship if it wasn’t right, so why do we hang onto friendships that aren’t working?

Oh and first friend did eventually get engaged, I saw her at a mutual friend’s house warming not long after she was engaged. As we were leaving I congratulated her on the engagement- I thought even though she probably hates me I am a decent person and wished her well. She literally said nothing and stared at me with pure venom. She was standing with a group of other people who saw what happened and looked really awkward. Says more about her than it does about me really! Luckily her husband was half way decent and said thanks for the congrats at least.

Just reading through this it does strike me how much long friendships are like marriages.

You think they're amazing and your relationship is special and bomb proof - but when it goes wrong we decide we probably didn't know the person properly after all. Or they changed.

In reality i imagine most times the person you were friends with is exactly the same person you fell out with, but something has triggered a fall out. Something which takes years or a single weekend.

So interesting really - when a romantic relationship fails it's often because there's cheating. It wont be that with a failed friendship, but often times it seems it's another kind of jealousy - the good marriage, the kids, a lifestyle change.

I've had 2 'big' friendships drop off a cliff (as i said upthread). The second ended a good 6 years ago now. Do i honestly really want to know what they think and why it happened? ... No actually. Thinking about it now i imagine it would only be more hurtful to sit down and listen to the ins and outs. Strange isn't it?

I’ve told this story before on here, so apologies to the regulars!

I ended a long-standing friendship with a male friend about three years ago. (He’s gay, so no romantic complications!) We were close in our uni days and the years after, but in reality we’d been growing apart for a long time. He thought the world revolved around him, what he wanted to do and when. I’d arrange to see him when I was back in our home town and he’d let me down at the last minute, inventing a ‘cold’ (the kind you get after fifteen whiskies the night before) - but then nagged me to cancel plans I’d made for the next day so he could see me then. As with a previous poster’s friend, he used to make a massive thing of wanting to meet up one and one and not ‘with a whole crowd’ - meaning I’d have to risk being left with no plans because he’d change his mind again.

There are too many incidents to list here, but among the ones that broke the camel’s back:

1. He was furious that I’d ‘snubbed’ him by not going on a supposedly free holiday with him to a family member’s villa. I was about to take redundancy and had no annual leave left - my ‘free’ holiday would have cost me £600 in lost pay. He went again not long afterwards and couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t cancel job interviews to join him.

2. He announced he was coming down to London for the weekend (without asking me if he could stay with me). I said he could stay, but it would have to be the sofa, as another friend was staying following a break-up. He said ‘Great, see you then. Going to need that spare room though - too old to sleep on sofas, lol!’ My virtually homeless friend would not have been LOLing...

3. Final straw - he sent me abusive messages and ranted about me on Facebook because I hadn’t invited him to a school reunion night... when we didn’t go to school together.

He keeps trying to use mutual friends as go-betweens even now, but I don’t think he realises that most of them are my friends who happen to know him because of me. It was a blessing that we had so few genuinely mutual friends, as no one was left in the middle; but it says a lot about a supposedly close friendship.

All of them I have found very painful at the time and often for a good while after. However, with r flex toon and time I see that it’s always for the best and opens up space for someone or something new in your life, or to get to a deeper level with someone/something already present.

It does suck at the time though.

Had a very good friend who was my bridesmaid. We had been super close and sister like. The day after my wedding she blocked my phone number and social media and never spoke to me again. I don’t know why. I wrote to her and tried to ask through people we both knew, but nothing. I do wonder why it happened.

I’m not blessed with lots of friends, so I would say maybe lower contact and lower expectations? So instead of thinking you need to be in touch a lot, drop it to a casual text once a month/every few months? Just adjust the status down a bit. Then you don’t expect too much. I have done this with my best friend. I think she is still one of my favourite and best people, but she never initiates any contact and when I do she doesn’t ask how I am back after I ask her. I know she’s not bad, she’s just busy and she has lots of friends. I sometimes feel a bit sad but I am lucky to have two amazing friends that I speak to very regularly. Maybe best friends move in cycles and you’ll be more in tune again in the future? That’s what I hope.

Maybe wait until after the lockdown and see if things naturally work out. We live in difficult times, and all sorts of things are going on under the surface. The benefit of the doubt is needed in most situations now.

Sometimes friends are disappointing and let us down. Sometimes we let others down without meaning to.

I always leave the door open, out of respect for our friendship even for no other reason, and sometimes it is a cycle and picks up again in time. A final departure is really only needed in my view if something very serious has happened (she has run off with your dh or dog!)

I was best friends with someone for 15 years but it was mainly on her terms.I decided one day to not message her to see how long it took for her to take the initiative.We never got back in contact.Best decision I ever made.

I ghosted a friend of several years, two years ago after her behaviour and views became unpalatable. She was very rude to me, about me, under the guise of 'oh you know I don't mean it like that' and she racially abused a woman in the street while we were out 😱.
Absolutely awful!!
Nope, fuck off with that shit.

When I was a young mum struggling with my mental health a long standing friend backed off. We stopped talking completely and I was really gutted and hurt.
I bumped into her several years later in a supermarket, she had children of her own by then.
I initiated a conversation, we met for a coffee and have been friends again since.
We talked about what went wrong. She didn't understand what I was going through at the time and I wasn't well enough to see she had stuff going on too.

But I agree with other people, it can feel like a bereavement. Its a shame there's no counselling specifically aimed at friendships 🤔
Mind you I wouldn't want to be a counsellor for some of the playground stuff that seems to go on between adults at the school gates.... worse than the children imo 🙄

Thank god for nice friends. But you dont want to feel you do all the chasing to keep it going.. I let a few go as got very one sided contact.

I've been on both sides, I've gotten over both, focused on the good friends I do have and realised I can live without them.
Funnily enough, about 13 years we were really close as had all ended up single at the same time but over the years, one remarried and when she had her child by her own admission went funny with people and we never got that back.
The other friend, well years later I had a messy break up and she sided with and went behind my back to start friends with my awful ex. She said some really cruel things to me. About 6 months or a year later we tried again, stayed friends for a while but the damage had been done, I really couldn't forgive her for the things she said to me and we just fizzled out.
I don't miss her.

Contending with terms like”bitchy resting face” and “being a Karen”. Sure, we have terms for different types of men too but IME those terms are not nearly so aggressively and unrelentingly applied to males.

Ignore me - wrong thread

I fell out with a friend I'd known for almost thirty years when her daughter had an affair with my son in law seven years ago.
They're still together, and we haven't spoken since.

I kind of get the "ick" with friendships and find it very hard to recover them if I feel they are over for me- either through incident or argument. I cant look at them the same. I just let them go ...don't care how long you've been my friend.

Myself and my longest friend called it quits about a year ago. I was sick of making all of the effort, the final straw was her zero effort for a big birthday of mine. On top of no effort for my hen do or wedding -she got married herself a few years back then basically checked out of a lot of stuff! It was for the best and it was probably long overdue. She had very unrealistic expectations e.g. l should make a world of effort and she make none Plus lots of obnoxious and thoughtless comments including her telling me how “easy” l have it being tired from fertility drugs, she’s really tired as she has 2 children

A few years back I lost a best friend - except once she was out of my life I started to realise our friendship hadn't been so great after all. I thought of us as like sisters, but time apart made me realise how one sided it had been, and how much I'd had to tiptoe around her. Suddenly lots of smaller incidents started to add up, eg. Writing me an angry letter when I cancelled seeing her because I had to go to a funeral.

It feels very weird waking away because it does feel like a relationship break up, but less clear cut.

It is upsetting but if it isnt working I would step back. I've fallen out with long standing friends four times and each time it was because despite my bending double to support then for decades they just couldnt be bothered to make even the smallest effort to celebrate my graduation or a big birthday. I'm a patient and placid woman but really? So spending money on an acquaintance for her birthday is okay but you cant be arsed to even put a card in the post for me? Nah.

All your stories are really interesting and I can relate to so much of it. It’s also reassuring in many ways even though it’s all very upsetting