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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To Be Livid?

63 replies

lealea6366 · 07/02/2021 21:04

Whatever happened to 'give credit, where credit's due?' I've been married for 25 years and i'm almost ashamed to admit I'm a crap housewife. Between depression and laziness, the house was always in disarray. Last September (2020) something came over me, I'm not sure what it was, but all of a sudden, I decided to put down a deposit on a new lounge suit. the old lounge was more than 20yrs old, tattered and torn, and I was due for a new one. Old tight arse husband refused to buy me a new one, so I decided to buy my own. So, that done, I had no choice but to clean up. I had a purpose. I repainted, bought some new pictures for the wall, added some potplants and I am proud to announce, my new lounge room looks bloody beautiful. During the cleanup, my husband would sarcastically comment on things like, 'so that's what colour the carpet is' or 'I forgot there was carpet in there'. I'm proud to say, my kitchen and lounge room has been kept spotless since last October. So just this week, our vacuum cleaner has decided to stop sucking, husband tried to fix it but the roller won't work, and will only suck through the stick handle. I pointed out that I can't be expected to vacuum my lounge room with a 10cm wide attachment he responded with, 'well, it hasn't been used in 20yrs, what do you expect'. I'm livid. I'm so over him throwing this in my face at any opportunity he gets. If I start throwing shit at him, we'll be arguing non-stop for the next week with all the crap he's put me through. But I'm not that kind of person. He wouldn't even look in the lounge room for months telling me he's not interested. Where's the encouragement? Well, I'm proud of myself. In order to change, you've first got to admit is you've got a problem, and that's exactly what I did. I've admitted it, and acted on it. Go me. Hubby can stick it up his arse. FYI I can't afford to purchase my own vacuum cleaner, I'm still paying off the lounge and unfortunately, work has dried up.

OP posts:

AStudyinPink · 07/02/2021 21:18

This just sounds... uncomfortable. He’s sneery, you’re calling it ‘your’ kitchen and lounge, you have this weird separate money thing so - for some reason - you believe you have to pay for a cleaning utensil so you (and only you) can clean the home you both live in.

Lots wrong here, I’m afraid.

nimbuscloud · 07/02/2021 21:21

Neither of you sound like you even like each other

NC4me · 07/02/2021 21:34

I can understand that it stings when he makes comments like this, however, you've admitted that (aside from the depression), you've been lazy. I don't think you can really be that annoyed if he has a point.

The whole 'he wouldn't buy me a new lounge set so I bought one myself' is a bit weird to me. I'm assuming he uses the lounge too so he wouldn't be buying it for you. If you were able to buy it yourself then why expect him to? More importantly, if you're married then why are purchases for the home (sofas, hoovers, etc.) being purchased by individuals? Have you always kept finances separate?

Agree with pp, neither of you sound very happy.

SquirrelFan · 07/02/2021 21:38

Well done for making the changes you wanted to see in your life! You are inspiring. This may lead to even bigger and better things! Don't let anyone discourage you.

TinyCake · 07/02/2021 21:40

I think a vacuum cleaner should come out of joint money.

I also think your relationship sounds a bit toxic.

TinyCake · 07/02/2021 21:40

Well done for making the changes.

Brighterthansunflowers · 07/02/2021 21:43

Do you like each other at all? It really doesn’t sound like it

Newcastleteacake · 07/02/2021 21:43

Perhaps you do need a vacuum, but you definitely do need a new DH.

You need to Marie Kondo that man right out of your life. He brings you no joy.

ChonkyChook · 07/02/2021 21:44

Freecycle is good for vacuum cleaners.
A lot of people buy new while their old one still works, we gave ours away before Christmas.

I'd see about giving the husband away.
Sounds like you've done a great job with the house but from what you're saying the relationship isn't worth the same effort.

CharlotteRose90 · 07/02/2021 21:46

Well done for making the changes. Have to admit though he’s probably been fed up for your part of being lazy and made the comment. I’d be furious if my partner left my house a shit tip for 20 years. Just buy a new Hoover simple

arethereanyleftatall · 07/02/2021 21:47

Op - do you like living with your husband?

LolaSmiles · 07/02/2021 21:49

It doesn't sound like you get on that much.

If the house has been a tip for years then I would find that frustrating, but then why are you having to pay for new lounge furniture for the home? Surely that is a joint expense?

It sounds a bit bizarre OP.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/02/2021 21:50

Doesn't sound like you even like each other anymore, much less love or respect each other. The only reason you are still together is because you just are.

I think you've got a few more things to sort out in the future.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 21:50

What an utterly miserable marriage. What's the point of it? Do you want another 25 years of this shit?

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/02/2021 21:51

@CharlotteRose90

If he was that bothered why couldn't he clean in 20 years? It's his house too.

chipsandgin · 07/02/2021 21:52

Perhaps you do need a vacuum, but you definitely do need a new DH

You need to Marie Kondo that man right out of your life. He brings you no joy

This ^ totally this.

Kaia20 · 07/02/2021 21:53

So you’ve been lazy and haven’t been house proud for years or whatever but what the fuck has he been doing, presumably he lives there too?

No. I’d get a new hoover and a new man because he just sounds like a massive c**t.

nimbuscloud · 07/02/2021 21:54

Is he working full time and paying all the bills ?

BakewellGin1 · 07/02/2021 21:55

Totally no help other then to say got a brilliant hoover from Argos £50 a few weeks back. Excellent suction and picks up a lot of dust (I hoover daily and am a bit Ocd with it since lockdown)... I couldn't afford a shark but this better then my old Dyson and Hoover brands

Clevererthanyou · 07/02/2021 21:56

Thank fuck other posters mentioned that he could have cleaned for 20 years too, I momentarily worried I was stuck in 1985.

TheChip · 07/02/2021 21:58

I dont understand why it's all on you. His snarky comments about the colour of the carpet, are equally on his shoulders too. Why the fuck hasn't he done anything. You've been battling with depression, what is his excuse?

I relate a lot to what you are saying with how depression takes a huge hit on the house, and sometimes all it takes is for someone to say "come on, let's get cracking. You do this and I'll do that"
Why hasn't he been doing things like that?
Chuck him out with the old hoover. Tell him he no longer fits with the new decor as he's bringing down the positivity

FrankButchersDickieBow · 07/02/2021 22:03

What have I just read???? So it was OP's sole responsibility to do housework? What's he been doing for the last 20 years ffs.

LolaSmiles · 07/02/2021 22:05

Thank fuck other posters mentioned that he could have cleaned for 20 years too, I momentarily worried I was stuck in 1985.
He could have, but if I had entered into a marriage where the agreement was one person is the breadwinner and the other is a housewife then I'd be a bit pissed off if I was doing my side and they weren't doing theirs.

I've no interest in that sort of set up personally, but do kind of feel like if you choose the man works/woman does the home thing then both parties surely have to uphold their side.

Arobase · 07/02/2021 22:07

Good grief, why are you taking all the responsibility for problems in the past when you both work and you both live there? Everything your husband throws at you you can justifiably throw straight back at him, before you get started on any other issues.

I don't know what the answer is, but certainly he needs to contribute something by buying a good vacuum cleaner. And every time he opens his mouth to say something horrible you need to remind him that housework is not just women's work so he needs to reflect on his own contribution to past problems - to say nothing of his total lack of contribution to what you've done to rectify them.

Arobase · 07/02/2021 22:08

@CharlotteRose90

So wouldn't you feel responsible in any way for contributing to that state of affairs?

And did you miss the bit where OP said she couldn't afford to buy a new vacuum cleaner? What is so simple about buying something new when you don't have the money for it?

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