AIBU To Be Livid?

[lealea6366]

Whatever happened to 'give credit, where credit's due?' I've been married for 25 years and i'm almost ashamed to admit I'm a crap housewife. Between depression and laziness, the house was always in disarray. Last September (2020) something came over me, I'm not sure what it was, but all of a sudden, I decided to put down a deposit on a new lounge suit. the old lounge was more than 20yrs old, tattered and torn, and I was due for a new one. Old tight arse husband refused to buy me a new one, so I decided to buy my own. So, that done, I had no choice but to clean up. I had a purpose. I repainted, bought some new pictures for the wall, added some potplants and I am proud to announce, my new lounge room looks bloody beautiful. During the cleanup, my husband would sarcastically comment on things like, 'so that's what colour the carpet is' or 'I forgot there was carpet in there'. I'm proud to say, my kitchen and lounge room has been kept spotless since last October. So just this week, our vacuum cleaner has decided to stop sucking, husband tried to fix it but the roller won't work, and will only suck through the stick handle. I pointed out that I can't be expected to vacuum my lounge room with a 10cm wide attachment he responded with, 'well, it hasn't been used in 20yrs, what do you expect'. I'm livid. I'm so over him throwing this in my face at any opportunity he gets. If I start throwing shit at him, we'll be arguing non-stop for the next week with all the crap he's put me through. But I'm not that kind of person. He wouldn't even look in the lounge room for months telling me he's not interested. Where's the encouragement? Well, I'm proud of myself. In order to change, you've first got to admit is you've got a problem, and that's exactly what I did. I've admitted it, and acted on it. Go me. Hubby can stick it up his arse. FYI I can't afford to purchase my own vacuum cleaner, I'm still paying off the lounge and unfortunately, work has dried up.

Well done OP, enjoy your new lounge and shove the vacuum stick up his arse.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Well done for making the changes. Have to admit though he’s probably been fed up for your part of being lazy and made the comment. I’d be furious if my partner left my house a shit tip for 20 years. Just buy a new Hoover simple

He should have got off his lazy cock and cleaned it then.

And maybe he was the one working full time and bringing all the money in while she sat on her lazy arse. That’s what housewives do like she claimed she was look after the house but in her case she didn’t. They should have both worked and both sorted the house.

My parents seem similar to your situation OP.

My mum is a massive hoarder and doesn’t like cleaning up (MH) but my dad isn’t allowed to do it. If he tries to take the bins out it’s a massive breakdown as she thinks he’s getting rid of her stuff etc.

He always makes digs because it is so frustrating to live like that. To be honest we all do and we would definitely say things like we’ve not seen the carpet in years.
Part of it is frustration but part of it is also making her understand how bad it is/not make it any worse.

I don’t think your DH should be saying those things but I can understand why he is.

I would just say (calmly) I know it’s been a while but I’ve decided I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t keep on as it’s making me want to go back to my old ways - unless that’s what he wants!

Well done for making a change OP it’s never too late and you’ll feel so much better for it!

@toocold54 your parents situation is completely different to the OPs, your mum is a hoarder which is a recognised MH condition. She will not stop hoarding until she receives psychiatric help. OP admits that she was lazy.

@Cheeseandwin5

Off course YABU.

For 25 years you have not being doing your side of the relationship, than you start for 4 months and you want a medal.
I have know idea why your DH has stayed with you, but hopefully your current attitude will give him the strength to give you the boot.

Did you actually read what you had written before you posted that??! Fuck off

Why hasn't HE cleaned anything in 20 years?

Clearly he is resentful.. sorry OP but it was probably difficult for him to live like that for that many years too. I can see you had ur things going on aswel. He may be thinking oh why now? And lets see how long this lasts? I mean 20 years is a long long time?? Well mayb just hav an honest chat about how u couldnt do all these things before due to depression. He may stop being so resentful.

She also says in her OP that " work has dried up" so she's not just a housewife is she?
Some housewives have small part time hobby type jobs or work a couple of hours a week, often once kids are older. She called herself a housewife and suggested she has been responsible for the house for years.If she didn't want people to think housewife, then why say housewife?

I think the set up where a woman is responsible for the home is dated, and it's a shit of him to be making digs, especially when this seems to have been going on a while. I also said up thread that things like lounge furniture are surely household items, not the responsibility of one person to sort.

But if someone describes themselves as a housewife it's a bit much for people to be annoyed that those reading the thread take the meaning of housewife to mean being a housewife, especially when the person calling themeves a housewife has been in the housewife role for years.

Some housewives have small part time hobby type jobs or work a couple of hours a week, often once kids are older. She called herself a housewife and suggested she has been responsible for the house for years.If she didn't want people to think housewife, then why say housewife?

Some people use it differently, like “I’m a crap cook”. I’m not actually a cook, but most of the cooking tends to be done by me and I’m not good at it. So, in this case, it might be that the OP identifies with being ‘the housewife’ when she actually isn’t, and her ‘DH’ should be doing his part.

Either way, I think the idea that, because your partner does most of the cleaning when you are at work, you should have been able to get away without lifting a finger for 25 years deeply problematic, and the idea that a vacuum cleaner is some sort of treat more so.

AStudyinPink
Oh I totally agree. Working doesn't mean you come home and plonk your arse on the sofa and do nothing more.
In my first post I was more saying I can sympathise with him if they've got a housewife set up and OP wasn't doing her side then I can understand the resentment. It doesn't excuse being shitty though.

It doesn't sound like either of them has been that happy in the relationship for some time. Whichever way we look at it, over 2 decades is a long time for them both to be miserable and annoyed at the balance in their relationship. It could be OP has been the housewife for 20+ years, not done her portion and he's spent 20 years being resentful (so why not leave if it's going on for decades). Or it could be they didn't agree for the OP to be a housewife and she's used the term how hou mentioned, in which case why spend 20+ years in a marriage where your spouse thinks your role is to clean up after him? That's before we touch on the fact that lounge furniture is apparently one person's thing to sort. It doesn't sound like a happy relationship on either side.

LolaSmiles

Agreed.