To ask about your personal “Jackie Weaver” moments

[Tier4billion]

Was speaking to dh about this last night and was reflecting on how I have definitely had moments of being spoken to like JW was in that video, or just generally being patronised.

Two which stood out where a man, who had called my company asking for help said to me “ooh you’ve got your own little business - why do you think you can help Me?” (Er firstly you called me and secondly my “little business” has a far higher turnover than yours).

Another was a work meeting years ago where a guy screamed at me as I wasn’t taking the minutes. I wasn’t there to take the minutes - that would have been the man sat next me - however as the only woman in the meeting it was assumed it was me

Aibu to ask - what’s your experience?

I briefly worked at a FE college where the culture was literally insane.
I was training as a College Tutor but had years of business experience. I was warned before a meeting that there was a female manager who shouted at people.
Sure enough, 10 mins into the meeting she lost her temper and started shouting.
" You seen to have lost your temper. I am leaving this meeting and I suggest you recall it when you have found your manners." Said I, And upped and left. It was the talk of the college for weeks.

“Even if this is the reason, it doesn't make it any less annoying or sexist.

I am not convinced that they wouldn't just go ahead if husband was at home alone.“

Honestly - it’s a thing, it’s not just annoying, they’re literally trying to con people with weird selling techniques and false offers that end if they leave

But they do it to men too because they need both people there or they can’t do it.

I was on a speed awareness course and we had to pair up and talk about when and where we drove. I was paired up with a bloke who told me all about his important sales meetings and then said 'I suppose you just drop the kids off to school?'. I explained to him that actually I walk them to school, but I do often drive to work and also to meetings in other offices, where I use my professional accountancy qualification and, also my brain, to advise people. His tiny little mind was blown.

I used to sit in an open plan office next to a woman who was PA for a few different departments, she wasnt at her desk one day when a guy came up with a bag of receipts for her to do his expenses, instead of coming back later he said, can you do it? to me, I politely said no I can't, he started tutting and asking me why I wasn't trained to use the expenses system yet (I'd been there a couple of months), and I had to awkwardly explain to him that it was because I was head of one of the other departments and not an assistant to the PA. I sat in that desk for 2 years and the number of times someone randomly came up and asked me to book meeting rooms or make coffee or set up a projector was frankly embarrassing, although we did all have a good laugh amongst ourselves about it whenever it happened

I was on a course about supervision of trainees in my profession. There was a session on 'trainees in difficulty' and we had to discuss situations we'd faced with the person sitting next to us.
The person sitting next to me was a particularly MAMIL type. Late 40s desperately clinging to the rugged hardman image of his youth.
He claimed he had no experiences of mentoring trainees in difficulty to share because 'I tend to ask a female colleague to talk to them about anything like that. I mean I just think women are so much more...nurturing'
Yep. Your female colleagues can do all the 'nurturing' and you can just get on with rugged thrusting manly business.

This is classy
“I was pretty junior and absolutely mortified but luckily the partner stepped in instantly and said ‘let me take that, and I’ll get you a coffee’ to his client.”

Man comes into our office. I stand and ask how I am help. Man directs request for information over my head to male colleague. Male colleague says you need Geller, I'm not qualified to help. Man persists. Male colleague asks me to help him. I reply that he may as well crack on and try to help as clearly man believes my ovaries will get in the way of my understanding him.

I'm the MD of our (smaller now) construction company, but dh runs the business and apart from doing the invoices, always from 'Steve' I don't have anything to do with the business day to day, but I do all the financial and HMRC stuff.

Had a few run ins over the years getting payment. Dh always defers to me if we are struggling and I give notice we are leaving site in the required amount of days with our materials. We are generally labour only, but do use our own fixings which we invoice for, so if we don't get paid for those fixings, they come off site with us, up to them whether we take them out or they do but it's not my problem if they are holding walls up etc, as long as we leave it safe.

A particularly unpleasant QS arguing he wasn't paying x,y,z. Multiple issues collecting monies owed. Sent him an email explaining above. He emailed back asking who the fuck I was, why was I emailing him and he deals with Steve, not his mrs.

Emailed back cc'ing the MD of his company in, explaining I was MD, it wasn't secret, companies house will reflect this. Please pay outstanding monies immediately. He didn't realise I'd cc'd his boss in, didn't realise I'd invoiced for fixings that were unpaid and threatened to call police if I removed any of 'his' work.

His boss replied asking him to phone the office immediately. Outstanding invoices paid later that day. He was moved to a different job. We completed that contract and several more.

My Mum was in hospital and her Consultant came round while I was there. He was very abrupt and didn’t introduce himself ( I know he was supposed to for reasons which will become clear shortly) and talked about her as if she wasn’t there. He said we need to do x, I asked why that was (something she didn’t want). He asked if I was medically qualified I said I wasn’t but I felt it would be helpful if he could briefly explain anyway to my Mum what they were going to do and why. He said that he didn’t feel the need to if I didn’t like it I could complain to PALS
I explained that it wouldn’t be necessary as I was on The Hospital Board as a Patient Advocate.
I would say that having worked with DRs and Nurses I have nothing but respect for the majority of them but this man was really vile

I was once involved in an odd scenario where 2 male colleagues and I needed to gain access to a property (legally I do hasten to add) because of concerns about the health of the person inside. The choices were to bash in the door or climb through the ground floor window which was open. The obvious person to do that was me as I was the only one likely to fit through but I had not foreseen the situation and was wearing a skirt. I commented that I wished I had worn trousers and one of the men honestly said 'I suppose we should be thankful you wore knickers'
I was just so floored and humiliated and in utter disbelief that he felt that an acceptable thing to say. The other guy just ignored it and I was too shocked to speak.
I did wind up climbing through the window in the end and the person was taken to hospital.
Afterwards I thought about putting in a formal complaint but I have to carry on working with this idiot and I knew he would dismiss it as 'banter'

What would Jackie Weaver have done eh? Is there a way to handle that with dignity?

Oh so many.

Being pressurised to accept coffee, eventually saying “no thank you, I don’t drink coffee” and consultant shouting / laughing to whole theatre YOU DONT DRINK COFFEE? ARE YOU A LESBIAN?

Giving an anaesthetic while heavily pregnant and surgeon pausing mid-suturing and saying “Are you going to have an episiotomy? It would be better for your husband”

Every trauma call ever when paramedics start handing over to male medical student which would be forgiveable if I was not wearing an enormous hi-vis tabard saying TRAUMA CONSULTANT

I could go on...

Many years ago, when I was a brand new graduate junior, one of my senior colleagues asked me to bring him and his client a cup of coffee. I didn’t get what he was asking, he was normally good at doing the team brews. So confused, I asked why and he said “I think it’s a nice gesture when a woman makes a coffee for a man. My client will like it.”

My female boss went nuclear and said “Mike, it would be a nice gesture if she gave you both a blow job but she won’t be doing that either.”

I am the Head of a Dept and in my 50’s. Went into a meeting with the COO and FD - only woman in the room. The FD looks directly at me and says ‘where’s the coffee?’ My response ‘in the kitchen and please make sure you put 2 sweeteners in mine’.

He has never asked for coffee again in front of me.

@Bigbigbirfday

Many years ago, when I was a brand new graduate junior, one of my senior colleagues asked me to bring him and his client a cup of coffee. I didn’t get what he was asking, he was normally good at doing the team brews. So confused, I asked why and he said “I think it’s a nice gesture when a woman makes a coffee for a man. My client will like it.”

My female boss went nuclear and said “Mike, it would be a nice gesture if she gave you both a blow job but she won’t be doing that either.”

Brilliant - love this.

I once met a friends cousin who lived i the country we were visiting. We went shopping for handbags and she was very very snooty towards me and my friend because we had zero interest in expensive handbags. My friends sister was showered with attention because she bought one and it was all very showy.

In the car I mentioned my work and a prominent scientist I worked with who she also knew. Her entire demeanour changed and she started showering ME with attention now. “You? You work with xxx? You do? Since when? Oh I LOVE their work! Oh you must tell me more!”

My friend whispered to me “I guess now she doesn’t think you work in the cinema...” and we had a giggle.

Honestly this sort of thing is so endemic I have lost count.

@Wearywithteens

I have an opposite story just to give the NAMALT side - I used to clerk a meeting in a school where many of the male governors were retired miners, shop stewards, councillors etc. All white, middle aged, working class men.

It never occurred to me to offer to make drinks, and I never did because that wasn’t what I was there for and I tend to be oblivious to those female domestic stereotypes. But without fail - every meeting as I was setting up, getting my papers ready, one of those men would cheerily get the kettle on - offer to make drinks for anyone that wanted one. And when the meeting started, they were always the ones to bring wafflers back to... ‘remember we are here for the benefit of the children and to improve their life chances...’ They praised and supported the (female) Head and her staff.

They couldn’t have been any different to the men in Jackie Weaver’s meeting.

@Wearywithteens what does NAMALT mean? Not all men are??

@Lalliella I did a quick google search, NAMALT = not all men are like that.

@Panicmode1 that reminds me of advice I always give to the female trainees in my firm: if they’re in a meeting with a male colleague of the same seniority as them, don’t be the one volunteering to fetch teas and coffees or take minutes unless or until their male peers do it too. Time and again I’ve seen young women assume responsibility for these tasks in an effort to be helpful, and that thoughtfulness is never replicated by young men. It ends up reinforcing the assumption that women are responsible for hospitality, and for recording meetings more than actively participating in them. Now that I’m more senior I make a point of asking our male trainees to do these tasks first. I’ll get round to asking everyone eventually, but I make sure I don’t give the impression that it’s more of a woman’s job than a man’s.

Years ago I was being bullied by my manager and his boss (his boss had brought him in to great fanfare and turned out they were both incompetent). I was in my 20s and not only would they bombard me with questions about what I had done, so fast I couldn't answer before the next one came along, they would make fun of how I pronounced things, make snarky comments about my appearance and general behaviour (I was not feminine enough for them) and if they got called on not doing things would claim that I should have done them and then get their secretaries to come along and dump whatever it was on my desk. I finally had enough, and asked for a transfer. Immediate boss would not discuss it so asked to see his boss. Didn't think he would help but I wanted to try everything before I quit. I went in, the bosses boss started immediately being nasty and then announced that sometimes he felt too afraid of me to bring things up with me (I was in my early 20s and bottom of the chain, he was a director level manager). I made my decision in that moment and asked him, if he felt intimidate by me, a very junior member of his division, did he think he was in the right job? His secretary told everyone what I had said, so by the time I worked my notice, everyone knew about it. Both boss and him got fired a few months after I left, and I met him a few years later at an industry do where he was touting for business for his new company, and mine was considering employing him. He was squirming as I engaged him in the hot topic of the day which was how to decrease workplace bullying. It was a great day.

@NotJackieWeaver it was - he’s one of the good’uns!

I worked at one of the big 5 media agencies.
The head of my department (male) held a meeting which myself and another woman (the 3rd and 4th to his "right hand man" no 2) wrote the ENTIRE fucking presentation for.

I entered the meeting room ready to present to the c suite (including 3 of 12 company board members) and found a weird scene. Big boss and no 2 were at the table. No 4 was in a seat in the back of the room.
I go to sit at the table and am told No! Not there! Go and sit at the back of the room away from the main table. There is "not enough room"

I made some remonstrations then sat down.
We wait and proceed to watch about 6 men senior and 4 men junior to us (no 3 and 4) wimmin walk in and sit at the main table.

I get increasingly fucked off.

Then the last man (the global president) walked into the room...he is big bosses boss and on exec board.

There is now a table of a dozen men with two handmaidens women sat 3 meters away at the back and that's when it got extra awkward. Global president surveyed the scene and said "er....what's happening here...?" [Confused]

Without missing a beat I said "I'm not sure but i know if I were you I'd be praying to god HR dont walk past this room HAR HAR HAR" (glass windowed meeting room)

All people present look sheepish.

Immediately president (& latterly the 12 misogynists) insists we sit at the table and miraculously room at the table appears and we are accomodated.

We (no 3 and 4) then present 80% of the material as big boss and no 2 know cock all.

Ps Hi Simon! You were a fucking shit boss, terrible mentor and all-round misogynist but thanks for the memories (and payrises) because while I did earn them you did give me f-ing amazing promtions and pay rises!)

Too many to mention.. I work in construction!

Ive had subbies tell me I should be making the tea when I've pulled them up on their poor quality work, a CEO of a national company I previously worked for saying he wasn't giving sausage rolls to "the girls because they're watching their weight", and most recently handing my site pass in the security guard said "oh, you're a girl?"

I now have the confidence as a Director to stand up for myself and the younger women in our industry..

Oh, and I've had the double glazing experience too 🙄🙄

A man in my office full on red-faced screamed at me for a good 5 minutes in a busy open-plan office because I’d had the nerve to ask the secretary sat next to him for some envelopes.

I was so upset and shocked I walked away without replying. Everyone was starring. It was humiliating.

Things wish I could have said was that the letters I was typing weren’t even my work. I was doing them as a favour for the person I was asking for envelopes as they were urgent and she was too busy (also lazy). And I didn’t have any because someone from his team had taken the last of my stash and not replaced them. But even if that wasn’t the case, it was a massive over reaction. I was the youngest in the office by a good few years. (My first office job).

The thing I’m still upset about all these years later is that no-one told me that I didn’t have to accept it. I didn’t know you could raise a grievance for that kind of thing. My boss just suggested I went for a walk to clear my head for 10 minutes But no-one said it was unacceptable. No-one said I could do anything about it. I thought you had to put up and shut up. I don’t know if he was ever disciplined.

A few weeks later, I worked till 4 in the morning to help his team with a project they had totally fucked up and he couldn’t look me in the eye. So there is that.

I got a new job shortly after.