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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’m considering cutting off my husbands family

61 replies

StaceyD92 · 07/02/2021 04:41

My husband has severe depression and we have three children with additional needs. Two are his. He’s recently taken a dive with his mental health and become suicidal.

I’ve supported him and stood by him through everything he goes through for the last three years but he doesn’t talk to me and I get worried about what he’s thinking or planning.

He’s now under the crisis team finally and a psychologist and on antipsychotics but I’m still worrying. Tonight I went on his phone, I know I shouldn’t have but he terrifies me. I wanted to see what he’s saying to his sisters as he opens up to them more than me. Well, bad move on my part.

One of his sisters sent a long message telling him me and the children are a burden to him and hold him back and he would be better off without us all. Apparently the fact I already had a child when we met was a “bloody nightmare” and all his family say the same that “it’s not worth it” saying they “couldn’t put up” with us and that he would meet someone else. He didn’t reply to her.

I’m absolutely devastated. We’ve been planning on moving to where all of his family live this year and now I really don’t want to be a part of it. The way they’ve spoken about my children has broken my heart.

They claim I’m bad for his depression but this is incredibly toxic stuff from his family when he’s vulnerable. Maybe I should let him go back to them? They all seem certain his life would be better without us 😢

OP posts:

TheresOnlyOneJackieWeaver · 07/02/2021 04:48

I’m so sorry to hear this. They sound extremely toxic. Is there a long back story here with the family? Was his upbringing difficult judging by the way they speak to him now?
I can’t understand what would possess them to say something like that when he is well, let alone when in crisis.

I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest for cutting them off yourself. Definitely don’t move near them because you will just end up isolating yourself. I’m not sure it would benefit your husband in anyway to go and stay with them either, they are not showing an ounce of understanding.

I hope your husband gets the help he needs and things start to improve.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 07/02/2021 06:40

Hugs OP. I hope your husband is ok

They dont sound supportive.
Is there more backstory to this? Why would they be suggesting he leave his own two children?

gutful · 07/02/2021 06:50

You ask “should I let him go back to them”

What does this mean ?

Is he not able to visit them now?

To make a stand against his family are you suggesting you kick him out & he goes to live with them?

While you can cut off whoever you like you can’t ask or tell someone to cut off their family.

Just be a positive person & if they say you are toxic then your actions won’t match up with their accusations.

Also you say you Both have 3 Children then go on to say that only 2 are his.

Is he financially responsible for your first child which is not biologically his?

I can see a family feeling put out that their son/brother etc was paying to support a child which was not his. If that was my brother would advise against it.

Rollmopsrule · 07/02/2021 06:53

Horrible to read something like that Op. From your message it sounds like just his sister saying this? She may not be telling the truth that all his family are saying the same thing. What is she normally like - measured and reasonable or into drama and a stirrer? It sounds like your Dh has alot going on atm and so have you supporting him. Maybe step away from this drama for the time being? It sounds like you could both do without it. I hope your DH gets through difficult time OK.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 07/02/2021 06:54

Are there factors in the depression? Job loss/worrying over finances/the kids needs? Has he had a tendency to depression (ie before you)?

Alexindiamondarmour · 07/02/2021 06:54

@gutful sorry but you would advise your brother to only support the two children out of the three in the house because the first wasn’t biologically his? I can’t believe I just read that.

I’m really sorry OP, this sounds really hard and they do sound toxic. As a PP said it would be unwise to move nearer to them. Ignore and distance yourself from them, let him make up his own mind. You say he hasn’t replied to his sister so maybe he has made up his mind - by not dignifying a message like that with a reply. Good luck to you all.

AStudyinPink · 07/02/2021 06:59

I can see a family feeling put out that their son/brother etc was paying to support a child which was not his. If that was my brother would advise against it.

You’d try to stop your brother from forming a family?

DittyPL · 07/02/2021 07:07

It depends what he has been telling them really, it sounds unusual that someone would form that strong of an opinion without it coming from somewhere. Perhaps he did at the start of the relationship.

NoCauseRebel · 07/02/2021 07:15

TBH, no-one has any idea what your relationship is like so it’s impossible to actually say whether his family are toxic or not.

I know you say it’s hurtful but none of us here know you or know what it is about you that his family may not like.

When I split up with my eXH my mum confided in me that they had never liked him anyway. They wouldn’t have said it while I was married although they alluded to it, but my sister did once ring me when something happened and made it very clear what she thought of him. Turns out they were right.

You need to communicate with him. If he refuses to talk to you there may equally be reasons for that.

I’m not saying you’re at fault here, but no-one knows enough about the situation to be able to say you’re not.

Worried830410 · 07/02/2021 07:24

Op where did his sister get the idea from that you and your DC are such a burden? It didn't come from somewhere, did he speak badly about you to them? I can't just imagine someone would come down so hard with such a vile message without having permission and some reason to do so?
And why is he confiding in them more than to you?
I will get flamed but this is what I would do. I would let him go to his family. He seems to have severe mh issues with suicidal tendencies. Your DC know there is something going on with him. Do you really want to be living like this?
Let his family take on this problem.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 07/02/2021 07:28

That's a very strong opinion to have based on nothing.

Has he run to his family when you two have had an argument or something?

gutful · 07/02/2021 07:33

No I wouldn’t stop my brother from starting a family

I would raise concerns if my brother was paying for a child which was not his. I think a lot of parents would be concerned if their son was put in that position & be wary.

Unless the child is adopted by the step parent then you have no rights & all the responsibility.

That’s not “stopping” a brother from forming a family. That is raising concerns about my brother getting involved in a less than ideal situation.

If the child has an active father then that’s a different matter.

NotStayingIn · 07/02/2021 07:42

I agree with a previous poster, where did this come from. And what are you allegedly holding him back from?

Her words would have me thinking too, but only you can honestly know whether you both would be better off separating.

I wouldn't go by what she says obviously. Also very odd that she seems to think that he is in a position to not have to put up with his immediate family anymore. Even with separation, he is still responsible for his kids. Is she thinking he never sees them again? Or that doing it alone some days will miraculously be better.

It's probably easier to for her to think all his problems are due to you and the children, rather then problems within him that would exist with or without you.

butterpuffed · 07/02/2021 07:55

What was your relationship like with your husband's sister before you saw what she said ? She may be inventing the fact that this is what all his family think.

FuzyWuzyWozABear · 07/02/2021 08:01

Wow, unless there’s a backstory here then, yes, incredibly toxic behaviour from your SIL and I’m thinking that your DH’s depression probably stems from his family....definitely keep her at arms length.

Plus if he were to leave you and meet someone else then he’d then be the one with kids from a previous relationship - so it’s ok for him and not for you 🤷🏻‍♀️ what she says makes no sense.

My ex SIL was like this and I now take comfort in the fact ex SIL has a crappy life in which she’s fucked up her own relationship and achieved nothing with her life - she is obviously deep down a v unhappy person but that’s absolutely no excuse for passing that shit onto me and my kids.

DinosaurDiana · 07/02/2021 08:04

Send him back to them. Say you need a break.

Thecheekthenervetheaudacity · 07/02/2021 08:07

That message is unforgivable- 2 of those children are their own flesh and blood for a start- but more to the point they are children and it’s not their fault that they have additional needs. I’d have nothing more to do with them personally, what your husband decides is up to him but no way would I move to be near where they live. I hope your husband’s mental health improves soon.

AuntieMarysCanary · 07/02/2021 08:07

I don't understand your question.

Or how you could do what you ask.

If they are HIS family and you stay married, how can you cut them off?

What you are asking is should you divorce him.

That's the only way he can 'go back to them'.

Talk to him.

Eekay · 07/02/2021 08:19

Some people find the idea of mental illness very hard to deal with. She could be casting about, trying wildly to find someone to "blame" for his severe depression.
Maybe your husband has told her he's finding home life difficult right now.
It's still a horrible thing to do.
If you think your husband is feeling under pressure caring for the family, you can talk to him.
Walking out on the kids would not be the cure for his illness, and it wouldn't do the poor kids much good either!
What a malevolent message to send.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/02/2021 08:20

It was extremely difficult to vote. I’ve said YABU to just let him go back to them based on what his sister said. She sounds toxic and I agree with Fuzy.

More importantly what has he been saying to her?

If you send your husband back to his family, you may lose him for good. But if you have 3 children with additional needs, you have your plate full. You need to fight their corner. Your husband to a larger degree should be supporting himself really as with 3 children with AN even if they’re going to school must be very tough. I get that this would be really hard for him.

She sounds like a bitch. Hell would freeze over before I moved closer to his family if she is anything to go by.

Theunamedcat · 07/02/2021 08:24

I hope you took pictures of the messages

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 07/02/2021 08:28

Sorry you are going through this but I think we need more information. This hasn’t all come out of nowhere.

Dashel · 07/02/2021 08:42

Is it possible they think you and / or the dc are contributing to your DHs mental health issues? This might be something that they have been told by him and if they are concerned about him being suicidal then they might feel he would be safer away from you.... or they might just be vile?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 07/02/2021 08:52

Jackieweaverhandforthcouncil yes my thoughts too. No way does a message like that come completely out of nowhere - there has to be more to it

speaksofty · 07/02/2021 08:58

Your dh sounds to me like he is having side conversations with his family about you. He is telling them much more than you know, whether this is based on fact or not is kind of irrelevant.

I think you can cut them off yourself quietly and with confidence, I don't think you can shut down his relationship. I would stop engaging with them personally and focus on getting your dh better. I would not be starting a big row at this point regardless of what you have read or how much it has hurt you, he sounds very ill, and that should be the priority not a family chasm.

I would take a photo of the records, keep it mind and leave it there. I would not be moving closer to them at the moment. Delay any big moves for now.

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