I’m considering cutting off my husbands family

[StaceyD92]

My husband has severe depression and we have three children with additional needs. Two are his. He’s recently taken a dive with his mental health and become suicidal.

I’ve supported him and stood by him through everything he goes through for the last three years but he doesn’t talk to me and I get worried about what he’s thinking or planning.

He’s now under the crisis team finally and a psychologist and on antipsychotics but I’m still worrying. Tonight I went on his phone, I know I shouldn’t have but he terrifies me. I wanted to see what he’s saying to his sisters as he opens up to them more than me. Well, bad move on my part.

One of his sisters sent a long message telling him me and the children are a burden to him and hold him back and he would be better off without us all. Apparently the fact I already had a child when we met was a “bloody nightmare” and all his family say the same that “it’s not worth it” saying they “couldn’t put up” with us and that he would meet someone else. He didn’t reply to her.

I’m absolutely devastated. We’ve been planning on moving to where all of his family live this year and now I really don’t want to be a part of it. The way they’ve spoken about my children has broken my heart.

They claim I’m bad for his depression but this is incredibly toxic stuff from his family when he’s vulnerable. Maybe I should let him go back to them? They all seem certain his life would be better without us 😢

If you move to be close to his family and then split up, you could be left in a vulnerable position op. It is possible if the children are settled in school etc that the courts would insist you keep them there particularly as they can argue the children also have family support.
You also might find it harder moving back on your own with the dc, and impossible to stay in the new area with his family being unkind to you.

I would scrap all plans to move indefinitely personally. Your marriage does not sound in a strong place at all. His family might be encouraging you/him to move close to them so they can have a much bigger role in your lives. That doesn't sound like a good thing to me.

That's awful op. I'm so sorry this happened. Perhaps you can discuss it with your husband? I wouldnt want anything to do with his side, if they were encouraging him to leave me. I'd probably ask him to visit them and stay a week, if his mental health is suffering.

It sounds as though your husband is having a regular moan to his sister about his life and maybe she's a nasty bitch or maybe a misled over invested sibling not recognising her brothers true illness? A LOT of people deny depression exists Prefering to believe someone is somehow being treated badly or "just" under too much pressure.

Your husband didn't answer which is interesting maybe she went too far for once?
There's no way I would be moving to live nearer that woman and I'd be keeping my children from her uncaring cold hearted bitching.

Just act as though you know what she said. Don't raise it, when he suggests phoning or such as a family or mentions moving be very calm and tell him that can't happen because of her attitude to the children.

His sister is encouraging him to leave his children because you and him are a burden to him and suggesting that he might meet another woman who will be OK with this? Is hypocrisy not a thing on his family? Maybe there's a big problem of upbringing here.

I'm so sorry OP, this must be so hard for you to deal with on top of everything else. I'd have nothing more to do with his family, as they are clearly tocxic and unsupportive. It's not as if cutting them off is going to make anything worse for you.

Fucking hell. That's really grim. Personally I would have sent a text back saying hello it's me, StacyD, I had no idea you all hated me so much. I won't be seeing any of you again.

What is clear from your OP is that your husband is in a distressed state and instead of hearing from his family "we are here for you", he is being put under more pressure.

If he is a people pleaser and desperately wants to please the people he cares about (you, his kids and his parent/sibling family) then them putting him in this position puts him under enormous strain as he cannot please everybody.

Despite your own feelings (and I would be livid with the sister!) I think it is important that you don't pile extra pressure on your husband by also asking him to choose.

If you can just try to focus and encourage your husband in taking his meds and talking honestly to his councillor that is enough for now. Perhaps you could encourage him to talk about this family dynamic with his therapist so he can try to draw his own insights.

I wouldn't move 1 street nearer to his family though! If he does decide to move to live near his family he would be on his own! But put that aside for now - that is a decision to be made when he is well. Don't make any life changing decisions while he is ill. Keep it low key. The only thing that matters right now is his health.

That sounds awful. Do you have anyone you can trust on your husbands side of the family? If you cut his family off CCD would it make any difference? Do you see them much ? (Out of pandemic )

They’ve never liked me and they hate the fact my children have disabilities/special needs, when I discovered our youngest had Down’s syndrome when I was pregnant they told me I was ruining his life and being selfish by keeping the baby. They’ve never apologised yet post things campaigning for Down’s syndrome rights!

I mean get divorced, let his family have him back. I do not stop him having relationship with them whatsoever.

He doesn’t even pay for our children! I support us financially because he moved out in November to get himself sorted and he didn’t. My first child calls him daddy and her name was changed to his also. We have 3 children together, we don’t look at biology.

He’s suffered with depression for years, even before we met. Very inconsistently, I didn’t know anything was wrong until our son was born at 25 weeks and we watched his heart stop. Spent 122 days in nice with him, then my daughter developed epilepsy at the same time and then our second son has Down’s syndrome and had open heart surgery at 5 months. We’ve been through a lot more together than most, I have ptsd but he doesn’t cope as well as I do which is why I’ve always been his support. I’ve previously had police out looking for him, called ambulances, police helicopters searching for him and even had him detained under the mental health act for his own safety, they’ve never done a thing to help him. They tell him the depression is my fault.

I think the main question is what your DH wants? How does he feel about his family? He may feel his sister is just full of bullshit and ignore her, and rest of family is OK.

All three children have special needs/disabilities (epilepsy/Down’s syndrome/ extreme prematurity/chronic lung disease/ ADHD/ ASD) She clearly thinks we’re not worth his time due to this.

I deal with all the medical appointments etc to take that strain off him. I claim carers allowance for the children as I cannot work as I have no childcare, no one is willing to take the youngest two on full time or even part time. Just one son goes to nursery 6 hours a week. She tells him I have no job and no career but I’m studying a degree from home whilst I raise the children. Once they are in nursery full time I already have a part time job lined up. But he doesn’t pay a thing for us. He doesn’t even buy Christmas presents I do it all, and I’ve been fine with that because I know how much he’s struggling.

Has your husband already moved out or has he moved back in?

@Winter2020 thank you. I would never ask him to give up his family at all, I just sometimes think perhaps they’re right and he should leave me and the children for good.

He’s now seeing a psychologist three times a week in person but these messages are not going to help him at all.

So much is making sense to me now. They’ve never been very friendly with me. I can’t say I know them that well at all, none of them have ever given me the chance to get to know them. I don’t really talk to them either, they never ask how the children are and we don’t get invited to anything, that was even before covid.

It’s very hard when I’ve been made to feel like an outsider from the beginning. I’d do anything for my Husband but it’s all of his family who are like this. With the exception of his grandad who is amazing with me and adores the children.

@Tiktaktoe he moved out in November to get himself sorted out but things worsened, so I don’t see how it’s me and the children causing his depression, I gave him the freedom to not have to worry about our family life and circumstances with the children.

We are all positive for covid and his family didn’t want him there so he’s staying with me till we’re better. They also told him to lie about it so he still goes to work! He’s not. We’re isolating.

OP can I ask what you are getting out of being married to him?

Your posts are shocking. The lengths you are going to, to help him are shocking for me to read. You have both been through a terrible time, you are both going through significant PTS

and yet you only talk about him and his needs.

Who on earth is looking after you in all of this?

OP his family are toxic. I felt sick to my stomach reading your posts about their reaction to your beautiful child with Downs syndrome.

OP please don't move closer to his family. I think you will come to regret it.

There are similar dynamics in my OH's family, fortunately my OH is not the golden child but his brother is. As far as my in-laws are concerned, if anything even slightly challenging happen in my BIL's life it is always my BIL's partner's fault. Always. And when BIL split up from previous partner and found a new partner, then everything slightly challenging in BIL's life became his new partner's fault. My SIL also takes a similar attitude to her parents. It's bizarre to see happening and it's bullying, plain and simple.

Also have to agree with previous poster - who is looking out for you amongst all this? Are you close to your parents? Siblings? Any close friends you can get support from?

I would send him back to live with his family to be honest OP. You sound incredibly supportive and like you have tried to get him the help he needs, and not to be dismissive of his MH, but reading your updates, you need to be looking out for yourself as well. You deserve better.

So he moves out so that he doesn't have any responsibility for his family, he doesn't even contribute to him. Yet you are still responsible for him?
I think you need to have a Frank discussion with him that it is no longer working. He needs to go low contact with his family if they are making him worse. He needs to speak to his psychologist about his family dynamics.
Note that those are things he needs to do not you. You need to take a step back from your husband. You have enough on your plate.

Forget the family issue, your biggest problem is your DH and his behaviour for the last year.
Forgive me if I've misunderstood but he's left the family home for 9 months, contributes nothing financially or physically?
And you want him back?

Aside from what his family are saying, what do you and he think of your relationship and do you both want to continue? Perhaps before you take the leap of moving closer to them you should understand what you both want and disregard his family? However, I think their criticism of you may have started with him blaming to you and talking to them - so personally I'd be wary of moving with him to his family.

@speaksofty no one helps me really,IAPT said they can’t help as I have too much trauma and I’m still waiting on secondary care team as they cancelled my first appointment. I’m ok though, I have my own coping mechanisms and I have anxiety support groups etc. I think sometimes as women and mothers we do cope better. It is hard I’m not downplaying the situation at all but I do always put the needs of the children and my husband first.

I love him so much, he was my rock when we nearly lost our son. He’s been by my side through everything.

It’s so hard when there’s an outside influence saying these things to him. It makes me feel like I am all these things they’re saying.

I certainly wouldn’t be moving closer to his family.

I think you should be looking at and focusing on what you want and what makes you happy. It sounds like everything you do focuses around your DH. Long term, do you want to be with him?

OP is someone from outside said those things to you what would your reaction be? I would bet that it wouldn't be to agree.

You speak very highly of someone that has completely failed you in every way op. I know shared trauma is a very bonding experience, but at what point are you going to look after you?

I understand your need to prioritise your children, especially given their needs, but your dh is an adult and needs to be contributing in every way, he is also responsible for your shared children/home/financial needs.

Is he living with you now? Is it not easier without him and all the added layers of stress that he clearly brings? Is it not harder with him?

You sound like a family in dire need of proper additional practical support, beyond help groups. Carers, family help and proper support would really benefit all of you.

Given he did not reply to his sister's message we can't know that he blames you or wants to leave. I think you should ask him directly? Time for a frank conversation about the future, his health and support for your own needs might be overdue, if he is well enough.