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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’m considering cutting off my husbands family

61 replies

StaceyD92 · 07/02/2021 04:41

My husband has severe depression and we have three children with additional needs. Two are his. He’s recently taken a dive with his mental health and become suicidal.

I’ve supported him and stood by him through everything he goes through for the last three years but he doesn’t talk to me and I get worried about what he’s thinking or planning.

He’s now under the crisis team finally and a psychologist and on antipsychotics but I’m still worrying. Tonight I went on his phone, I know I shouldn’t have but he terrifies me. I wanted to see what he’s saying to his sisters as he opens up to them more than me. Well, bad move on my part.

One of his sisters sent a long message telling him me and the children are a burden to him and hold him back and he would be better off without us all. Apparently the fact I already had a child when we met was a “bloody nightmare” and all his family say the same that “it’s not worth it” saying they “couldn’t put up” with us and that he would meet someone else. He didn’t reply to her.

I’m absolutely devastated. We’ve been planning on moving to where all of his family live this year and now I really don’t want to be a part of it. The way they’ve spoken about my children has broken my heart.

They claim I’m bad for his depression but this is incredibly toxic stuff from his family when he’s vulnerable. Maybe I should let him go back to them? They all seem certain his life would be better without us 😢

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 07/02/2021 11:30

It most certainly can happen out of the blue with no backstory. It did to me after 20 years with my in laws. They are just using you as a scapegoat as they'll refuse to accept any failings on their side.

I'm 5 years down the line. We split up. Ex in laws and exdh have been virtually no contact and I've been left to raise dc with additional needs entirely alone. A deadbeat father.

When people show their true colours - see them.

cherriesx3 · 07/02/2021 11:31

bless you OP, that must of been really hurtful to read and very frustrating as it sounds like you have been nothing but supportive.

I dont really have any advice because I'm not sure what the right thing to do would be. your partner doesnt sound like he is in the right frame of my mind for you to discuss with him his families comments right now but equally it is something that probably does need addressing. his family should be working with you to help him, not advising him to abandon you and his children. cant see how that would help you, your kids or him in the slightest.

Floridaflipflops · 07/02/2021 11:32

@gutful

No I wouldn’t stop my brother from starting a family

I would raise concerns if my brother was paying for a child which was not his. I think a lot of parents would be concerned if their son was put in that position & be wary.

Unless the child is adopted by the step parent then you have no rights & all the responsibility.

That’s not “stopping” a brother from forming a family. That is raising concerns about my brother getting involved in a less than ideal situation.

If the child has an active father then that’s a different matter.

Have you always been so overly invested in your siblings lives?
Dashel · 07/02/2021 11:44

After reading all your posts OP I think you need to call time on your marriage and I think once your husband has got his shit together from this episode you need to be privatising yourself and the dc. I would send him home and be putting in a child maintenance claim

ElsieMc · 07/02/2021 11:56

Op, I second what Speaksofty says. Nowhere on this thread have you mentioned your own needs and your need for support with your children. You already have a huge amount on your plate without his family kicking you when you are down. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you.

Whilst he has offered you support in the past, he opts out of family life through his illness. Others may disagree with me, but it is ongoing and incredibly draining for you to always be worried about his whereabouts and what may happen. You absolutely cannot go on like this.

You need to put yourself and your children first. He pays for nothing, the childcare burden falls upon you and his family cannot accept you and the children and make horrible, cruel comments. This is who they really are and whilst he did not respond, he did not defend his own children. I could not continue with this marriage.

bitliketonyhares · 07/02/2021 12:03

@ElsieMc

Op, I second what Speaksofty says. Nowhere on this thread have you mentioned your own needs and your need for support with your children. You already have a huge amount on your plate without his family kicking you when you are down. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you.

Whilst he has offered you support in the past, he opts out of family life through his illness. Others may disagree with me, but it is ongoing and incredibly draining for you to always be worried about his whereabouts and what may happen. You absolutely cannot go on like this.

You need to put yourself and your children first. He pays for nothing, the childcare burden falls upon you and his family cannot accept you and the children and make horrible, cruel comments. This is who they really are and whilst he did not respond, he did not defend his own children. I could not continue with this marriage.

This in spades. I really feel for you op. You sound a fantastic mother and your children are so very lucky to have you x
Tal45 · 07/02/2021 12:03

Thank god you read those messages, you now know that moving near to those toxic people would be a really bad idea. I can't believe how awful they are, maybe they're actually responsible for at least some of your OH's issues. If they are in his ear telling him you're not good enough, you already had a child and that was a bad thing, constantly putting a negative spin on your DC's SN, then that is going to take a toll. The problem is that that you can't do anything about them and as long as he is talking and listening to them, and not talking to you then this isn't going to work.

He has to start talking to you and opening up about how he feels. You're also going to have to talk to him about his family. I wouldn't say you read the messages with his current state of mind I would just say you feel like they don't like you and remind him of things they've said about the DC's.

He's got to talk to you and stop talking to people who put really negative thoughts in his head about his family or it's as good as over IMO. x

Original poster
StaceyD92 · 07/02/2021 12:06

I do think he has a tendency to confide in them too much, and that’s probably swayed their opinion of me. In a way I don’t blame him because he does take things out on me when he’s very low, which I do get, I’m the closest person to him. My daughter has anxiety and does the same with me.

I just wish they’d see how much I’ve done to help him. We do love each other, we want to stay together. When things are great they’re truly amazing, he’s my best friend. Mental health is so hard.

I’ve literally just been crying on him. Had an ambulance out as my breathings changed with covid, when they left (I’m fine just on day 8 so quite poorly) I just couldn’t stop crying and hugging him. He says I’ll never be without him and he wants to be home for good now.

That’s made me think he didn’t reply to his sister because he didn’t agree with what she was saying. But the way his sister suggested that me and the children aren’t worth anything is unforgivable.

I feel sorry for him now, he’s going through his own personal hell and he has his family on his case too. It’s not good for him. I don’t think there’s any point in telling him what I know, I’ve had so much wonderful support on here I think I can work through this without him knowing.

OP posts:
Snowsnowglorioussnow · 07/02/2021 12:15

Op this is the awful and can absolutely come out of the blue!

My dh does not confide in his family at all but I know they allowed detest me, even though dh never been happier.

Op I also agree with pp poster who said let him go back to his family and relieve himself of the burden. They can also help out with the 3 dc and you have a much needed break.

speaksofty · 07/02/2021 12:16

I don't think you have any intention of leaving him or sending him away from your last update op, and you seem to have made your peace with his limitations. So with this in mind, all you can do is:

  1. Ensure you have a plan B if you are ill and he is not up to looking after your kids. You always need a plan B with so little support

  2. Stop contact, especially confiding in his family, they weaponising the information you are giving them. Get your support and chats elsewhere and make it permanent. They do not have your back, and are looking to rest the blame on your shoulders for anything and everything

  3. Get some real life support and help, practical help. Build in time for yourself and your needs. Make this a condition that comes first, without you everything will come to a grinding halt.

  4. You can care about your dh but retain some energy and love back for yourself, you are not an endless reservoir with infinite reserves. Limit what you do and how far you are willing to go. Boundaried support is probably a better description. Yes I will let you stay, but if you go awol/missing/whatever it is on you.

I feel sorry for you not him.
I feel sorry for the huge weight you are carrying.
I feel sorry that even now you are thinking of him, and not you. You are going through hell too. Flowers[ for you.

speaksofty · 07/02/2021 12:18

I hope you get better soon, covid with 3 kids is no fun.

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