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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to leave depressed husband

70 replies

AmIAwful · 06/02/2021 20:52

Over the last few weeks DH and I have been through a lot - health issues, bereavements and he has had a lot of stress at work. It’s really taken it toll on him and I think he has depression.

I’ve been suggesting he see the GP and get some counselling for a couple of years. He has finally (after someone else suggested it) agreed to some counselling but won’t see the GP.

I feel really disappointed about that.

I am doing everything I can to save our marriage, despite him being miserable all the time and saying that the problem is me not being supportive enough. But he’s not doing all that he could.

Its been about 3 years like this and I feel like I am wasting my life tbh. Just so ground down by it. I don’t know how to help him. I’m sick of being blamed.

Is it awful that I am thinking about leaving? I feel so guilty but I just want to be happy.

We’ve been together 10 years and have 2 dc which makes it more complicated.

OP posts:

Buntysbosom · 06/02/2021 21:08

Maybe after he starts counselling he will see sense and discuss other options with the GP, what’s his objection?
But no, YANBU and I say that as someone who has had depression, sometimes quite badly, over the last 15 years. I wouldn’t want to live with me, it must get very tiresome.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 06/02/2021 21:11

It’s very hard, of course you’re not being unreasonable to think about it. I’ve been through exactly the same it the last few months and it’s exhausting.

My DH is finally getting help and making big changes though, after a bit of a breakdown before Christmas. He’s determined to get better now and had made really good progress.

If he hadn’t I’d be thinking the same as you. It feels like we are walking a tightrope still. It’s exhausting.

PM me if you want to chat.

Original poster

AmIAwful · 06/02/2021 21:12

Thank you for your insight.

He says he’ll go to the GP if he thinks he needs it.

I think he needs it. He has said he’s on the verge of complete burnout but he says that its because of me and the people he works with and that if he was treated better that would solve it.

But I feel like I have tried so hard. Its never enough though because I really do think he is unwell.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmIAwful · 06/02/2021 21:14

@LibrariesGiveUsPower45321

It’s very hard, of course you’re not being unreasonable to think about it. I’ve been through exactly the same it the last few months and it’s exhausting.

My DH is finally getting help and making big changes though, after a bit of a breakdown before Christmas. He’s determined to get better now and had made really good progress.

If he hadn’t I’d be thinking the same as you. It feels like we are walking a tightrope still. It’s exhausting.

PM me if you want to chat.

Has you partner accepted he is unwell? My DH just seems to blame me and I feel like until he accepts its not just that he won’t be able to get better

OP posts:

Mummypigisalwaysright · 06/02/2021 21:34

When you say he blames you for not supporting him, what does he mean by that? What support does he want?

pointythings · 06/02/2021 21:40

If he has spent 3 years not accepting there's a problem and not taking any action to get well, you are not wrong to want to leave. You can be as supportive as you like, but ultimately he has to take responsibility for his own health. The fact that he is blaming it all on you is avoidant behaviour on his part.

Original poster

AmIAwful · 06/02/2021 22:01

When he says I’m not supportive I think he’s referring to times I’ve suggested he get well, times I’ve challenged him about blaming everyone else at work, times I’ve been upset (and lost my temper which I’m not proud of) when I’ve struggled with him not speaking for days.

I haven’t always been as sympathetic as I could have been. I have tried listening, giving advice, making sure he has lots of free time, suggesting counselling/going to the GP, organising fun things to do, pretending its ok...basically everything I can think of over the last 3 years.

Sometimes I’ve got upset and cross because I feel he’s become so self centred (which I think is a symptom) and I’m trying so hard and its all so frustrating.

I haven’t been perfect but I’ve really really tried.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 06/02/2021 22:03

Honestly? Divorce him. Your life will be immeasurably improved by not being blamed for somebody not prepared to do anything but blame others.

Bluetrews25 · 06/02/2021 22:08

If you make him worse (in his eyes) then you should go.
I'm sure you'd be happier. This is no way to live, if he will not get help and blames you for how he feels.

Porridgeoat · 06/02/2021 22:12

Can you have a trial separation

Porridgeoat · 06/02/2021 22:13

Tell him you can’t take it any more and it’s too much for you to cope with

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2021 22:14

You wouldn’t be leaving him because he’s depressed.
You’d be leaving because he doesn’t value your relationship enough to seek help rather than blaming you.
(From a woman with depression!)

Nettleskeins · 06/02/2021 22:18

This sounds trite, but it cannot do any harm. Vitamin D supplements (a booster dose of 20,000iu from HealthAid brand.
People with vit d deficiency are low tired irritable and anxious.
I know, because I've been one of them, and only found out with a blood test.

And, insist he goes to GP, if only for a blood test to rule out all sorts of physical reasons for his depression.
Telephone consult?

Nettleskeins · 06/02/2021 22:20

And if he doesn't, issue an ultimatum and start process of splitting.
You deserve better and so do your kids. How dare he blame you?

AubergineIsMyFavourite · 06/02/2021 22:22

YANBU OP. I have been in your situation and it is hell. Constantly blamed for being the cause of their depression. Constantly told that they are unhappy with everything in their lives and would be happier on their own....it is exhausting.

Of course you will get exasperated. You are human. Who wouldn’t? If it were simply withdrawal and being sad it would perhaps be easier to cope with but when it is resentment, blame and anger month after month it takes its toll.

I often think they are deliberately trying to ‘push’ it until they make you leave. It is affecting your mental health for sure. Think long and hard about your next move. If leaving is too big a leap then think of small ways you can start to disassociate from his behaviour. Difficult at the moment but if you can make new friends for yourself and start new hobbies (or at least make a plan of how you will do this in the future) you will at least be creating a life for yourself away from him. I’m sure everything you have done to date has included him in some way, trying to fix things and make things better. Stop. Look after yourself first and foremost. Nurture yourself. Build yourself up. You are not responsible for him or his depression so take back your power and direct all that energy into yourself.

MyVikingLife · 06/02/2021 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Porridgeoat · 06/02/2021 22:26

He needs to have blood tests for b12 and D

AubergineIsMyFavourite · 06/02/2021 22:27

And yes, the self-centredness is very much part of the depression. And probably the most difficult part I found to tolerate. I had to become self-centred myself to cope with it. If I wanted to go out, I went out. If I wanted to start a new evening class I did it, irrespective of what my DP was doing.

Depression was ruling his life but it sure as hell wasn’t going to rule mine.

Look after yourself OP and don’t get dragged down by him. Sad though his illness is, blaming you is not on. You are not responsible, never have been.

Cindersrellie · 06/02/2021 22:28

Leaving my depressed husband was the best thing I've ever done for myself. It sounds heartless, but I was only early 30s and I just didn't want to spend the rest of my life like that. It was just horrendous, all the time, for four solid years. He could never look forward to anything. Never excited about anything. It was like living a grey life. Leaving was difficult of course but the relief after it was over was incredible. No more grey cloud over all our heads. New DP now and we can laugh and talk about the future with optimism and excitement.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2021 22:29

I think he needs it. He has said he’s on the verge of complete burnout but he says that its because of me and the people he works with and that if he was treated better that would solve it.

Blamers are a thing. It's very difficult to deal with and they won't because it's everyone else's fault.

Gordonsgrin · 06/02/2021 22:30

I went through similar with my dp. He is out the other side and life is better than it has been for quite long time. It may be worth sticking with it, but he was fully engaged with doing the work to get himself better.

thistimelastweek · 06/02/2021 22:43

Bottom line is it's not their fault they're depressed but it's not your fault either. They don't get to blame you and you can't be expected to fix it.

RestingPandaFace · 06/02/2021 22:46

It’s a hard slog having a partner or spouse with depression. I’ve thought of leaving many times, but al least DH is engaging with help, honestly if he tried to blame me I think I’d be out the door.

warmandtoasty2day · 06/02/2021 23:02

maybe harsh but it could be said that if he thinks you aren't helping then he can't argue the toss if you say you are leaving him.

reader12 · 06/02/2021 23:02

I think it would be entirely reasonable of you to leave. If he doesn’t want to get better and won’t see the gp, he’s choosing this life. You get to choose too.

Me and DH had a big row last weekend triggered by homeschooling stress, it cleared the air and afterwards I wrote up some new family rules. My favourite one is “Take responsibility for your day and your life”. It’s easy and comfortable to blame others for your own problems but it’s not helpful, and by staying with him and being supportive you’re going along with his false version of what the problem is. That wont help him change and will drag you down until you escape.

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