To want to leave depressed husband

[AmIAwful]

Over the last few weeks DH and I have been through a lot - health issues, bereavements and he has had a lot of stress at work. It’s really taken it toll on him and I think he has depression.

I’ve been suggesting he see the GP and get some counselling for a couple of years. He has finally (after someone else suggested it) agreed to some counselling but won’t see the GP.

I feel really disappointed about that.

I am doing everything I can to save our marriage, despite him being miserable all the time and saying that the problem is me not being supportive enough. But he’s not doing all that he could.

Its been about 3 years like this and I feel like I am wasting my life tbh. Just so ground down by it. I don’t know how to help him. I’m sick of being blamed.

Is it awful that I am thinking about leaving? I feel so guilty but I just want to be happy.

We’ve been together 10 years and have 2 dc which makes it more complicated.

Instead of seeing the GP why doesn't he self refer through IAPT. They have to get back to you within a small time frame (3 days I think).

You are not being unreasonable.

Your DH may well be suffering from depression, but it is definitely not your fault and it is definitely not up to you to fix him. Not that you could, even if you wanted to. Even if you were absolutely perfect in every way, it would still not make him well again.

The fact that he blames you (and everyone else) is wrong. And if he really feels like that, he should have left you by now. He hasn’t because it’s not true. But it is a good way to keep you quiet and to stop you challenging him/pulling him up on bad behaviour or asking him to pul his weight etc. It’s manipulative. And possibly has nothing to do with his actual depression.

Depression does make some sufferers self-centred. But that doesn’t make it ok and it doesn’t mean that you have to accept it. It’s one thing if someone accepts they need help and are seeking help to get well. It’s quite another if they blame everyone else and don’t seek the help they need.

In your shoes, I’m not sure I’d want to be married to someone who is miserable, unkind and manipulative (though am sure be must have done good points, most of people do). However, if you do want to stay. I think I’d put a time limit- e.g. he must be getting help in 3 months time or he must be improving in 6 months time (or whatever timeframe seems reasonable/manageable to you) and if he isn’t, then you call time on the relationship. In addition, I think I would also consider having a fairly frank discussion with your DH and tell him you aren’t willing to be blamed for his illness and you expect him to get help, and that if he continues to blame you for his problems and/or fails to take appropriate steps towards getting better, that you will leave.

I said to my depressed sil once that being depressed is a privilege. It didn't go down well and I suppose it was an awful thing to say. But I do think that being depressed for years and doing nothing to pull yourself out of that hole is very selfish. My mil was widowed very young, with 2 dc, no family support or a job. She had to soldier on. There was no one who could prop her up. She most definitely has ptsd, but some people just don't have the luxury to wallow in their own self pity.
There comes a time when the depressed person has to help themselves as well for the sake of their loved ones.

A depressed person has to want to change and recover. He needs to see a GP and if he doesn’t then does he really care about you and DC?

Months ago, my DP and I had a huge emotional teary argument because his depression worsened (understandably due to what had happened). I felt like I couldn’t take this anymore as he kept masking his emotions. I have a history of MH (mostly recovered) so I wanted him to get help. It took that explosion of emotion for him to make that appointment with the GP and ask to be referred for therapy. He saw how upset and worried I was. We are so much happier now that he’s facing his issues and talking things over with a professional.

If I didn't make any attempt to heal my broken leg and blamed my spouse for the pain I'd be unsurprised if they left.

@HukkaPukka I said to my depressed sil once that being depressed is a privilege.

That is a really nasty, ignorant thing to say. You don’t know what caused her depression. Years ago, I suffered severe depression and PTSD due to trauma that I felt I couldn’t talk about. I felt alone. Thank god no one said that to me. It would have tipped me over the edge. Thankfully, I surrounded myself with people who supported me, which helped me to recover.

My DH took to his bed at one stage, it took too much effort for him to do anything else.
I never swear.
I remember telling him, right up in his face, I didn’t care what he did with his day, just get out of the f**king bed!
That is what it took for him to see his GP, as my behaviour was so out of character and shocked him so much.
In you case, I would give an ultimatum, that he goes to his GP, or you leave.

Depression fall out is a brilliant book OP. It talks about what the effects are on families when some one has depression.

Also it’s ok to put yourself first if your unhappy, his depression doesn’t have to pull you down too.

He's got to be willing to do something himself. As pp have said it can't just all be blamed on you. And if he does then you could understandably say 'well, if I'm so bad for you we'd better separate'.

3 years is a long time to take this bullshit from him.

Isn't it just great for him to use you as his emotional punching bag.

How convenient.

Don't allow him to drag you down.

You have accepted his bullshit for far too long.

Tell him fine, it's best you separate and he can find someone else to blame.

Get organised and get out.

He doesn't get to ruin you life while doing nothing to help himself except whine.

Your children need one parent who is well and able for them.

3 years of hell is enough.

Choose YOU OP.

@AmIAwful

When he says I’m not supportive I think he’s referring to times I’ve suggested he get well, times I’ve challenged him about blaming everyone else at work, times I’ve been upset (and lost my temper which I’m not proud of) when I’ve struggled with him not speaking for days.

I haven’t always been as sympathetic as I could have been. I have tried listening, giving advice, making sure he has lots of free time, suggesting counselling/going to the GP, organising fun things to do, pretending its ok...basically everything I can think of over the last 3 years.

Sometimes I’ve got upset and cross because I feel he’s become so self centred (which I think is a symptom) and I’m trying so hard and its all so frustrating.

I haven’t been perfect but I’ve really really tried.

I am so sorry for you @AmIAwful. No, you are not awful, this is a horrible situation. Any treatment can take time so you may want to wait a while if he is really getting therapy. However, blaming other people for problems is another thing from self centeredness entirely, as he is not taking any responsibility for himself and his actions. Therapy wont work unless he does. Hopefully he will understand this as he goes along, and if it is a relatively new thing for him to do, there is reason to be hopeful. If he has always blamed his issues on others, the outlook is much worse.

Since depression affects judgement, he may not be best placed to see how his behaviour is affecting people around him and decide when he should see the GP. I have seen plenty of people who only come to therapy because their partner has had enough and left or threatened to. Sometimes that provided the wake up call and motivates people, and sometimes not. If he has recently started therapy then you may need to try and give it some time. But you also need to think about yourself.

Before I started working in psychiatric hospitals 20+ years ago, I thought it was awful for people to leave their mentally ill spouses. Then I saw what it was really like and now would fully support someone if they needed to. Good luck to you.

Is it awful that I am thinking about leaving
Yes , does in sickness and in health mean nothing to you. Your husband is unwell, maybe stop blaming him for your unhappiness and focus on supporting your dh. Your children deserve a life living with both parents not going from mums to dads because you prioritised your happiness.
Your dh is not abusive , work on what you can do on improving your marriage.

PS. You don't have to be perfect, and expecting to always get it right will only add more pressure. Take care of yourself.

The thing is what seems to happen on this thread is the blame game starts up (and yes, OP's husband is doing it himself). The thing is depression isn't something that can simply be snapped out of and even treatment doesn't always guarantee recovery sadly.

I am appalled at a few of the comments on this thread. The thing is sometimes life is shit. The OP has the right to leave and the OP's husband has the right (strange way to put it) to suffer depression without being blamed for it. It's sad and uncomfortable to hold those two things in mind.

Maybe he is someone who deflects and refuses to take responsibility at every stage in his life, maybe he is genuinely in the grip of a severe depressive episode. The thing is none of us know the complexities. And throwing blame around doesn't help and is usually a defence mechanism to cope with the fact that people don't choose depression but at the same time we can choose to leave someone with depression as a self-preservation exercise. I think this is deeply uncomfortable for most people to accept and it's easier to say 'I left because he/she chose not to get better'.

@MyDcAreMarvel

Is it awful that I am thinking about leaving Yes , does in sickness and in health mean nothing to you. Your husband is unwell, maybe stop blaming him for your unhappiness and focus on supporting your dh. Your children deserve a life living with both parents not going from mums to dads because you prioritised your happiness. Your dh is not abusive , work on what you can do on improving your marriage.

Stop it. My mother had depression my entire childhood. It was fucking awful. I wish my father had the balls to leave and take us with him. Instead he just left and left me and DB to deal with her.

There is a difference in being in bed ill with crippling depression and being up and and about creating a dark shadow over everyone else’s life. Every one walking on eggs shells and horrible attitudes and moods being blamed and excused by depression.

The fact he will not see his GP would make me head for the door.

Sometimes you have to put you and dc first.

If he refuses to see gp then you can say he has to go

You cannnot cure him
If you are so " unsupportive" as he says maybe he is better off moving in with family or friends

Also you "think" he has depression...he hasnt been diagnosed. Maye he just chooses to be this way maybe not.
You have everyy right to mske it a condition that he is assessed by gp and follows their advice.

Living with misery with someone who wont see gp will sap your soul. Leaving may be best. Might push him to seek help.

Second depression fallout book

@furrypesto that’s a really good point. I was one of the people blaming him for not wanting to get getter, based on the things OP said about him blaming her and other people for his unhappiness. But you’re right we don’t really know the details.

It feel uncomfortably selfish to admit that self preservation is sometimes a good enough reason to leave, even if it the situation isn’t the other persons fault. I grew up with a dad with severe bipolar illness and eventually my mum left him because she didn’t want to be with him any more. I think she was judged by various people but I could see that staying had became impossible for her and not very helpful for him.

Thanks @reader12...I suppose I am wary of completely condemning anyone. It doesn't have to be a) he clearly doesn't want to get better so I have the right to leave or b) he is clearly suffering from a mental health condition that isn't his fault and I would be an awful person to leave. It can be a mixure.

Life is complex and not straightforward. to you as I had parents with mental health issues (and now suffer with them as a result - so maybe that's why I can see both sides!) and hope you are ok

You are not a bad person OP. I’ve been there. DH was ‘depressed’ enough to be unable to get out of bed, or help out with the kids in any way, or have any kind of motivation, but not enough to see the GO, because he ‘wasn’t depressed’. And heaven forbid I wasn’t upbeat 24/7, running around after everybody, then I was not being supportive.
We eventually came through the other side, as he finally saw sense and went to the GP, but I can remember those dark days, and I certainly wouldn’t blame you for leaving if he isn’t prepared to get help.

I would divorce him.
Being married to a misery guts blamer is exhausting and life limiting.

@furrypesto how do we know if he’s got a mental health condition if he hasn’t been to the GP? I agree that it’s his right not to seek medical help but he doesn’t have the right to be abusive towards the OP (not speaking for days at a time).
@MyDcAreMarvel OP’s husband is being abusive he doesn’t speak for days at a time and blames his problems on her. That is emotionally abuse. Also give over with in sickness and in health mantra he refuses to seek medical help to find out if he has any sickness so how is OP supposed to support him?

OP you can leave your marriage at any time you like if you’re not happy and you don’t need to feel guilty about it.

I wish my mum had left my Dad. His depression ruined my childhood. He was always in his bloody bed. My mum worked 2-3 jobs to pay bills. We didn't do anything ever. There was a constant cloud of unease. Don't wake Dad. Don't upset Dad. Don't bother Dad.

If your DH is not willing to get help then please take your DC and go.

I went for the divorce option.
Best decision I ever made.