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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to leave depressed husband

70 replies

AmIAwful · 06/02/2021 20:52

Over the last few weeks DH and I have been through a lot - health issues, bereavements and he has had a lot of stress at work. It’s really taken it toll on him and I think he has depression.

I’ve been suggesting he see the GP and get some counselling for a couple of years. He has finally (after someone else suggested it) agreed to some counselling but won’t see the GP.

I feel really disappointed about that.

I am doing everything I can to save our marriage, despite him being miserable all the time and saying that the problem is me not being supportive enough. But he’s not doing all that he could.

Its been about 3 years like this and I feel like I am wasting my life tbh. Just so ground down by it. I don’t know how to help him. I’m sick of being blamed.

Is it awful that I am thinking about leaving? I feel so guilty but I just want to be happy.

We’ve been together 10 years and have 2 dc which makes it more complicated.

OP posts:

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/02/2021 09:24

(my over-riding mantra was I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT)

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/02/2021 09:48

@MyDcAreMarvel

Is it awful that I am thinking about leaving Yes , does in sickness and in health mean nothing to you. Your husband is unwell, maybe stop blaming him for your unhappiness and focus on supporting your dh. Your children deserve a life living with both parents not going from mums to dads because you prioritised your happiness. Your dh is not abusive , work on what you can do on improving your marriage.

Perhaps he should try stopping blaming her for his unhappiness first?

HukkaPukka · 07/02/2021 10:40

@CutePixie I know, it was an awful thing to say, but it was a product of frustration that had been built up over years of propping her up financially and emotionally. Her brother (my DH and her mother MIL) both had helped her so much for over 10 years that it started to impact their own wellbeing and health.
What do you say to someone who over a decade makes you pay her bills, look after her kids and blames it on depression without trying to get any help? Someone who year after year sits on other people's sofas staring at her phone and let's everyone else run her life for her?
I do think there comes a point when tough love is needed. Get help or we're done.

CutePixie · 07/02/2021 11:49

@HukkaPukka your sil doesn’t have depression, she is controlling and emotionally abusive. You’re still out of line for saying “depression is a privilege,” because real depression results in suicidal thoughts and suicide. It’s the result of trauma.

AubergineIsMyFavourite · 07/02/2021 12:59

Some of the comments on here indicate ignorance about the shocking impact depression has on a spouse and family. ‘In sickness and in health’ has nothing to do with it and is often the reason people stay. How about honouring and respecting your partner? A sickness which involves blaming, accusations, put downs and abuse is absolutely not part of the marriage contract. I’m not saying everyone’s depression is the same...far from it but I have seen some shocking cases both in my work and personal life which have had a long term impact on the partner and family. Depression is not just about being sad.

For anyone who has lived with a depressed family member for years I salute you.

ShalomToYouJackie · 07/02/2021 15:30

Hi OP, I have experienced similar with a DP who was/is severely depressed and has been struggling with it for 10+ years. During a particularly bad time where he wasn't leaving the house, not washing or getting changed or doing anything at all I considered leaving as he refused to get any help and it was extremely frustrating.

He had been on anti depressants and anti anxiety medication and it turned him into a zombie.

I decided to stick with him and keep pushing him to get help and he's not off the anti anxiety medication that turned him into a zombie and is on I think week 9 or 10 of counselling with another 12 sessions to go and the difference is incredible and I'm so glad I stuck around.

He's still depressed but there's been a big change in him and he's much more pleasant to live with now

MrsDukeOfHastings · 07/02/2021 15:47

Its quite tough supporting someone with depression, especially if they aren't helping themselves. I got to the point where I was getting quite angry and it seemed unreasonable of me to do so.

Anything I did to help or support was never enough and I started thinking, well its a damn site more than what you are doing for yourself, little examples:
Obviously DS is not at school so DP has been doing the childcare so to speak while I'm at work, he then starts an online course from home and needs WiFi (we've just moved house so waiting on it to be installed) cue moaning about how he cannot now do said course and that I am supposed to find alternative childcare (in a pandemic no less) so he can go elsewhere and use WiFi. I then added a bolt on for GB on DS phone so he could use. Well now thats a problem because DS will be using it for homeschooling also (bear in mind it didn't exist an hour ago)

I find myself thinking, well add your own Internet, find an alternative by yourself, cooperate and see if we can find a solution. But no its all met with misery.

I'm not meaning to drive the point from you, I'm just saying that it is extremely hard to support someone with depression when they have no desire to help themselves and the extremely little non issue events because such a burden that you can get quite depressed yourself and the one that cant help themselves surely won't be able to support you.

Embracelife · 07/02/2021 17:45

you can get quite depressed yourself

Yes
Depression fallout is real
And then who looks,after dc?

You can support him if that is what you want to do without him living there bringing you down

If people want the analogy then you would not treat him for cancer or broken spine yourself..he may well need to be in specialist centre for weeks or months..
Or with other family who are not also caring for dc and working.

Without diagnosis from gp
You can only assdume he is doing it to upset you

If he goes to gp and gets formal diagnosis snd engages in the treatment then you can still decide he is better off healing away from you

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 07/02/2021 20:06

“ Has you partner accepted he is unwell? My DH just seems to blame me and I feel like until he accepts its not just that he won’t be able to get better”

Yes my partner accepts that he’s got a problem and needs to work through it - and whilst I know I need to change some stuff that winds him up, he has never blamed his problems on me.

Honestly OP if your other half is blaming his problems on you then it’s time for a buck up or I’m out talk.

glasgowLil · 07/02/2021 20:37

So sorry you are going through this. Getting him to the gp for some blood tests sounds sensible if he agrees to go. Low mineral levels can make you feel terrible.
My husband had really bad anxiety in the summer (COVID related) and he was enormously helped by having CBT sessions over zoom. If you want the therapists name - send me a dm.
We paid for it but it was totally worth it. She helped him rationalise some of his more irrational thoughts and also told him to do more chores and actually leave the house every day to take exercise! He actually took notice and started doing the hoovering and going out for a walk every day! He’s stopped the sessions now but is still generally much better. Good luck! Xx

Mikethenight2good · 07/02/2021 22:13

Hi op, similar situation here...feel free to DM. He is currently on AD which has helped massively particularly with this lockdown. We still have bad days but I try not to pander to it. I only interfere if I think the kids are getting any flack for it.

A pp said about getting on with your own life and not let his depression dominant has been good for me. I have had to be selfish.

Whether we can come back from it, who knows. I find it hard to be attracted to him now. And with no intamcy or love it adds a dimension I am not sure I am addressing.

I am tired.

reader12 · 07/02/2021 22:24

Thanks @furrypesto for you and OP and everyone dealing with depression in themselves or a family member.

A person can be depressed, and also be a selfish shit. Or they could be depressed but fighting to come back to their family and live again. I do think a depressed person refusing to get help is selfish, and tolerating that means you’re stuck in someone else’s drama instead of living your own life.

englishroseamongstirishthorns · 08/02/2021 03:55

When you married your husband you promised to love him in sickness and in health. You made vows and you shouldn't break them just because something beyond his control irks you. You should respect him and help him even if it's hard for you because that's what marriage is.

MyVikingLife · 08/02/2021 04:58

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

How silly. He’s not respecting her or helping her. He’s not showing love by his behaviour. He’s also not being a partner, he’s a burden. He doesn’t want help from her, she’s tried. He’s not the person she married, and she didn’t sign herself up to be his parent and take on all responsibility for their lives, including his.

Marriage isn’t meant to be a life sentence. Even for the crime of Murder you don’t get a life sentence.

englishroseamongstirishthorns · 08/02/2021 06:25

@myvikinglife

"How silly. He’s not respecting her or helping her. He’s not showing love by his behaviour. He’s also not being a partner, he’s a burden. He doesn’t want help from her, she’s tried. He’s not the person she married, and she didn’t sign herself up to be his parent and take on all responsibility for their lives, including his.

Marriage isn’t meant to be a life sentence. Even for the crime of Murder you don’t get a life sentence."

That's exactly what she did and that's exactly what it is. When you get married you dont stand there and tell the registrar or vicar that you'll love him forever, but only if he doesnt change or get anything wrong with him, particularly on the mental health side, which means he isnt perfect any more. Instead, you say you'll love him forever and look after him when he's sick.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 08/02/2021 06:34

@englishroseamongstirishthorns

I’m a very firm believer in the sanctity of marriage and the marriage vows.

That all goes out the window if one party turn out to be physically or emotionally abusive, or breaks the marriage vows in some other way. He promised to love and to cherish her - accusing her of causing all his problems is breaking that promise.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/02/2021 06:45

If he's not willing to even try to help himself then you need to put your DC first and give them a home away from this.

pointythings · 08/02/2021 07:46

englishrose OP's husband was the first to break his vows by failing to love or cherish her.

By your lights I should have stayed with my alcoholic husband and put my DDs through more year of hell because 'the sanctity of marriage' Nope. That's what divorce is for. Especially when there are children involved.

Bluesername · 08/02/2021 07:54

Tell him it is not your fault that he feels bad, it is the depression's fault and there is a strong possibility he will not feel better until he sees the GP for treatment.

Embracelife · 08/02/2021 09:09

look after him when he's sick

Until he has been to gp and got diagnosed he is not sick. Just being misery.

Op is kindly offering a diagnosis for his misery...but he has none yet.
Regardless no k e has to stay with someone if their diagnosis causes emotional damage to them or dc. Sad as it us. Op cannot cure him.

My exp did much better away from me eventually.
My dc thrived away from the daily impact of his depression which was accvompanied by abusive and controlling behaviour. The lines can be blurry.

But so long as he refuses gp op shoukd get out if there.
And dc will fare better wth time away and to be in place which does not revolve around one person 's mood.

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