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Original poster

To feel his ex is still classed as his women

52 replies

Stayinyourlane5 · 06/02/2021 09:37

I don't want to drone on. But I'll try explain. I'm in a fairly new relationship. We both split from our ex's two years ago. In similar ways. We drifted apart and lost the intimacy etc. The only difference is I had children and a house. He had a dog and house with his ex. He's in his 40s and I'm 14 years younger. His ex was 10 years younger.

It was within days of us meeting she came up into conversation. I was abit put off if I'm honest. Not because they still get on. But the way he mentioned her felt like it was important for me to know about her. It didn't make much sense as they had no kids or marriage and were two years past splitting. It almost felt like he was saying she would always be a part of him and I got the vibes he hadn't gotten over her. It sounds like she started travelling and leaving him for holidays with her friends and they no longer had the same wants going ahead. He told me early on she occasionally went around still and asked if I was jealous. At that point I felt it wasn't for me and left things.

We got back in touch and I explained to him that I was absolutely fine with him getting on with her. But I wasn't interested in being involved if there were still feelings and I was always going to be in her shadow.

It's taken time. For example he only removed photos of her from his walls when he said he loved me a couple of months back. His Facebook page is full of her still. I really don't mind the pictures and memories. He asked me once if I thought he should remove them all. I said that was 100% his choice and not mine. He chose to keep them all. I must admit there are a few on there like her naked only wearing his football top that I wish he would lock down or remove. But holidays etc we all have a past.

I feel in my gut that he has moved on with me. He has said he loves me. He proves that with his actions and words. But I know that he still carries a part of her around more than perhaps is healthy for a new relationship. It's like the feeling, he's happy with me and putting his everything into it. But If he was honest he will always love her and will be gutted when she moves on and perhaps still hates that it failed with them.

Anyway we've started telling people we are involved and are progressing. Last week he was working somewhere that involved big machines that my son loves. So he's been tagging me in videos he's made for him to watch.

There's a bloke on his Facebook that has commented on everything since I've appeared if that makes sense? Just the last couple of weeks. He writes the most ridiculous comments. I've woken up this morning to a tagged video. My chap wrote above it I just love this machine. This blokes wrote under it. What as much as Sarah? (His ex) he has replied and said we split two years ago mate and put some laughing emojis. The bloke replied. I know.

Just trying to understand why that bloke has purposely dropped the ex into something I'm tagged in. Why after two years is she still bring mentioned so much? I can't express that I have no issues with her. I don't feel jealous of the past. I just can not believe an ex with no real baggage can still be so in the picture yet not in the picture. Seeing someone ask him if he loved something as much as her just makes me question if I'm missing something.

OP posts:
cochineal7 · 06/02/2021 09:41

Actions of your actual DP speak louder than Fb post of random bloke without a filter who may just like to wind things up. Ignore.

SadderThanEeyore · 06/02/2021 09:48

The fact they didn't have kids has no bearing on the strength of his feelings. Of course his fb has pics of her, it's his past. You sound more obsessed by her than he does; he's not hiding you away - evidenced by the tagging. Would you rather someone who could just switch their feelings over night and delete every trace? The kind of person that can switch feelings quickly will also be more likely to do it to you...
Stop focussing on her and live your life.

Nocar · 06/02/2021 09:53

I wouldn’t like the pictures in the home, that feels disrespectful. I could tolerate one, ( if she was dead, or the mother of his kids ) but not half naked ones in his favourite football shirt. The old stuff on Facebook timeline wouldn’t bother me so much.
Maybe he still talks about his ex a lot to people when he’s not with you, hence the comment from man on Facebook.
It sounds like he’s not really over her and she’s still playing with him, ( asking him he’s jealous) I wonder who left who.
Either way, I just think there a huge chance you will get hurt, so would be giving him a wide birth and looking for someone else.

SmileyClare · 06/02/2021 09:54

The bloke who writes ridiculous comments on all your/your partner's Facebook posts, do you think that's his ex using a fake account? It sounds so odd.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/02/2021 09:56

I would move on from this, too much hassle too early.

prisencolinensinainciusol2 · 06/02/2021 09:59

Social media is a load of wank (for wankers).

Get off it and get a life.

Original poster
Stayinyourlane5 · 06/02/2021 10:11

Thank you. I have no idea. He's very fond of me. He's told his boss about me this week. He's very much into us.
I don't expect him to remove every trace of her. Just two years on there's really no need to bring her into his future. Ofcourse talking about your past is healthy and stuff. It's just little snippets. Like he said one day I'd have to go to work with him. He said his boss would happily pick me up and let me have a look around. That was swiftly followed by his boss collected his ex and drive her two hours to have a look around.

Or he mentioned she was offered recently the number of a low down actor. They send the odd message it seems. He's only met up with her once since meeting me. But phone contact I think is minimal and polite.

No the bloke writing comments possibly worked at the pub where they used to live. It's definitely not her account. He's writing weird stuff that he's not responding too. But the loving his ex comment has ruffled my feathers as it feels like he's trying to cause a drama or something. Clearly there's a new women in his life and it's taken him two years to move on. I know he's never wanted to until he met me, which shows it took him quite some time. I just hope that he can and does feel I can be enough and not just someone he's settling for after the love of his life.

His actions say he's in love with me. He adores me. I just feel like he's carrying her along into his future and he hasn't quite cut that final thread if that makes sense.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 06/02/2021 10:31

Inviting you to look round his work and then taking his ex instead is pretty hurtful. I wouldn't say those were actions of someone who adores you? In fact the way he is making her part of your relationship is not considerate of your feelings, nor is it putting you first.

It's early days (you've been dating a year or so?), there's a significant age gap; your 26, he's 40. All things considered, I would advise putting the brakes on, and seeing how this progresses before deciding whether this has a future.

Is he prepared to be a father to your children? Do you both want the same things.

Nocar · 06/02/2021 10:36

I just hope that he can and does feel I can be enough and not just someone he's settling for after the love of his life

Have you considered if he is enough for you. Are you happy to be in a relationship with someone and made to feel like you are not quite enough, with and ex hovering in the background ?

Youcunnyfunt · 06/02/2021 10:40

I'd personally be more wary of a boyfriend who had zero contact with any exes.

Emeraldshamrock · 06/02/2021 10:41

The mate is an immature piss taker don't mind him.
Your partner is possible still sore from the break up. I was still hurt by my ex with rose tinted glasses when I got with DP.
Embarrassingly I use to talk about him to DP 15 years later I'm well over it tbe glasses are off I'm in love with DP our 2 DC.
Your partner shouldn't have replied to the comment that was hurtful unless he replied to tell his mate to grow the feck up.

SmileyClare · 06/02/2021 10:42

I'm trying to think of what on earth his job is Grin Your son is hugely impressed with the machines, and you and his ex are keen to get shown round for the day, like it's a huge treat.

Does he work on film sets?

OlympicProcrastinator · 06/02/2021 10:44

I would move on from this, too much hassle too early

Agree with this. I couldn’t be bothered with this much aggro in any relationship.

prisencolinensinainciusol2 · 06/02/2021 10:45

@Youcunnyfunt

I'd personally be more wary of a boyfriend who had zero contact with any exes.

That's a very good point actually.

But OP's problem is more to do with the enthusiasm her new partner still has for his ex; what he is doing goes far beyond a Christmas card and a wave across the street during a chance encounter. (If I've understood correctly.)

Emeraldshamrock · 06/02/2021 10:46

Tell him to block this chap for starters. I'm not on SM but from the younger ones in work & nieces etc they strip every picture down once it is over and reload if they rekindle. Grin

prisencolinensinainciusol2 · 06/02/2021 10:46

I too am very interested in machines OP - please could we have more info?

prisencolinensinainciusol2 · 06/02/2021 10:49

@Emeraldshamrock

Tell him to block this chap for starters. I'm not on SM but from the younger ones in work & nieces etc they strip every picture down once it is over and reload if they rekindle. Grin

I am also very interested in this but don't understand some of the words. Could anyone explain to a non-techie like me, thanks..(it sounds like really good advice.)

PrawnPower · 06/02/2021 10:52

I agree with the PP who said this is too much hassle. It's not going to stop bothering you.

BumbleBeegu · 06/02/2021 10:54

@SmileyClare

Inviting you to look round his work and then taking his ex instead is pretty hurtful. I wouldn't say those were actions of someone who adores you? In fact the way he is making her part of your relationship is not considerate of your feelings, nor is it putting you first.

It's early days (you've been dating a year or so?), there's a significant age gap; your 26, he's 40. All things considered, I would advise putting the brakes on, and seeing how this progresses before deciding whether this has a future.

Is he prepared to be a father to your children? Do you both want the same things.

I think the OP means that her partners boss did the same favour with the ex at one time when they were dating...so when he said the boss would collect her and take her to look around, he 'swiftly followed up by saying' that he'd done the same thing for the ex.
FrankButchersDickieBow · 06/02/2021 10:54

@SadderThanEeyore

The fact they didn't have kids has no bearing on the strength of his feelings. Of course his fb has pics of her, it's his past. You sound more obsessed by her than he does; he's not hiding you away - evidenced by the tagging. Would you rather someone who could just switch their feelings over night and delete every trace? The kind of person that can switch feelings quickly will also be more likely to do it to you... Stop focussing on her and live your life.
2 years is not overnight fgs.
unmarkedbythat · 06/02/2021 10:55

Trust your gut, op. I wouldn't want to deal with this.

Chiccie · 06/02/2021 10:56

If it was me I’d be sassy on that comment. Under the Sarah comment I’d write “who’s Sarah? (Insert laughing emoji) now my man has steak at home he’s gone off kebabs”
Don’t be goaded, he a Queen. Shut that shit down.

Original poster
Stayinyourlane5 · 06/02/2021 11:05

Hi. He took his ex to his work when they were together. Sorry didn't make that clear.

My son is 3 and as he works on great big machines in quarries etc he will send videos for him to see. Purely for my little boy.

I do understand that there's potentially still feelings of love and care but its not healthy to let that come into a new thing.

I think he may have replied to defend they were no longer together. But it would have been nice if he had said we seperated a long time ago rather than putting laughing faces.

Social media is a nightmare for complicating things. I think as I say he's wanting things with me. But he's still carrying her along with him a little more than you'd expect. He wouldn't tell me but I think he would hate her sleeping with anyone or moving on. In a way I hope she meets someone herself soon. Perhaps once they have both met other people they will finally get closure. I'm ok with them being on good terms. But in another way he met up with her to tell her he had met me. She told him she was offered a man's number. So they are perhaps still looking for permission and acceptance from eachother when after two years they both should be allowed to date without letting the other know. I asked about that and he said they promised eachother they'd have the decency to tell the other if they met someone. Just seems like something you should care less about as time passed.

OP posts:
covetingthepreciousthings · 06/02/2021 11:11

But in another way he met up with her to tell her he had met me. She told him she was offered a man's number. So they are perhaps still looking for permission and acceptance from eachother when after two years they both should be allowed to date without letting the other know. I asked about that and he said they promised eachother they'd have the decency to tell the other if they met someone.

This sounds off to me, it's been two years, why do they need to let each other know? I mean I could kind of understand if it had been weeks , or if they had children together then yes.. but really? Confused

How long were they together out of interest?

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/02/2021 11:13

I think it depends partly on how long they lived together? When I met my DH, he had just broken off an engagement with his fiancé of 8yrs because she cheated on him. It took, 8yrs with me before I felt he was truly over her. I don’t know if many men think the way my DH does, but it was like he withheld a bit of himself until we’d been together past that 8yr milestone that he’d had with his ex. He was also deeply in love with her. And so the breakup hurt him a lot.

So really, i think how long it takes a person to move on from an ex depends on how in love they were plus how long they were together.