To feel his ex is still classed as his women

[Stayinyourlane5]

I don't want to drone on. But I'll try explain. I'm in a fairly new relationship. We both split from our ex's two years ago. In similar ways. We drifted apart and lost the intimacy etc. The only difference is I had children and a house. He had a dog and house with his ex. He's in his 40s and I'm 14 years younger. His ex was 10 years younger.

It was within days of us meeting she came up into conversation. I was abit put off if I'm honest. Not because they still get on. But the way he mentioned her felt like it was important for me to know about her. It didn't make much sense as they had no kids or marriage and were two years past splitting. It almost felt like he was saying she would always be a part of him and I got the vibes he hadn't gotten over her. It sounds like she started travelling and leaving him for holidays with her friends and they no longer had the same wants going ahead. He told me early on she occasionally went around still and asked if I was jealous. At that point I felt it wasn't for me and left things.

We got back in touch and I explained to him that I was absolutely fine with him getting on with her. But I wasn't interested in being involved if there were still feelings and I was always going to be in her shadow.

It's taken time. For example he only removed photos of her from his walls when he said he loved me a couple of months back. His Facebook page is full of her still. I really don't mind the pictures and memories. He asked me once if I thought he should remove them all. I said that was 100% his choice and not mine. He chose to keep them all. I must admit there are a few on there like her naked only wearing his football top that I wish he would lock down or remove. But holidays etc we all have a past.

I feel in my gut that he has moved on with me. He has said he loves me. He proves that with his actions and words. But I know that he still carries a part of her around more than perhaps is healthy for a new relationship. It's like the feeling, he's happy with me and putting his everything into it. But If he was honest he will always love her and will be gutted when she moves on and perhaps still hates that it failed with them.

Anyway we've started telling people we are involved and are progressing. Last week he was working somewhere that involved big machines that my son loves. So he's been tagging me in videos he's made for him to watch.

There's a bloke on his Facebook that has commented on everything since I've appeared if that makes sense? Just the last couple of weeks. He writes the most ridiculous comments. I've woken up this morning to a tagged video. My chap wrote above it I just love this machine. This blokes wrote under it. What as much as Sarah? (His ex) he has replied and said we split two years ago mate and put some laughing emojis. The bloke replied. I know.

Just trying to understand why that bloke has purposely dropped the ex into something I'm tagged in. Why after two years is she still bring mentioned so much? I can't express that I have no issues with her. I don't feel jealous of the past. I just can not believe an ex with no real baggage can still be so in the picture yet not in the picture. Seeing someone ask him if he loved something as much as her just makes me question if I'm missing something.

I agree actions are louder than words and from what you have written he clearly cares for you.
You knew from the start that he was still getting over his ex yet chose to continue with the relationship and 2 years down the line are still there.
Perhaps you are over analyzing every little thing and have to decide to let it go or let him go .

Having read your update, I actually think they're both a bit pathetic for dragging it out this long, and I'd find it offputting. I would also wonder whether perhaps they both enjoy the drama of having been each other's "one that got away".

Go with your gut, OP. You know the man and the situation far better than any of us do, but please don't stick around if you feel second best. Don't think that he's the best you can do and put up with inferior treatment as a result.

I read a quote recently that I think fits here: "The moment you feel you need to prove your worth to someone is the moment you need to walk away."

Sorry ignore my comments about him showing the ex his quarry I need more coffee this morning!

I wouldn't like an ex to be such a feature in a relationship. Sorry but him having lots of photos of her around his house is weird. He should be more considerate of how you might feel, it either isn't registering with him,
or he enjoys making you jealous

However, it's possible that you view social media differently because of your age gap. You regard it as an important sign of where you are in life, a clear indication of relationship status, maybe he doesn't. I doubt he trawls through his old fb photos of them together but this is what you're doing.

You're probably giving his social media too much importance in your relationship.

They were living together 9 years but split after 8. He moved out a year after the split as it was unhealthy..although it sounds like they worked oppositely and rarely were home the same time. The house was in her name and they had pets and did the garden and house up together. So he invested alot into it and left with bedding and a side table. He has left it open with her that when he finally lives somewhere he's happy he wants some of the garden stuff back. So that's another reason they have not completely closed things. But like I say sounds like they have this friendship now. He says she was a lovely girl etc. He's slagged her off a little about choosing her friends for holidays rather than him. He's said sexually they didn't have any passion and they ended up sexless. So he doesn't say she's perfect. He said when he looks back he loved her and they had great times but he didn't fancy her when they met and he thinks it was the same for her. They just plodded along. I understand that as I was the same with my ex. We never fancied the pants of eachother.

This is why we have clicked because we both really really fancied eachother from the start. That's never happened to me before and he said the same. We do seem to have a really good connection with eachother. I think in some ways this would never happen again. So I feel that we have this great relationship. But like I say it seems to me that he's still untangling his past with her and I do worry he could be secretly keeping from me now much she still sits in his head.

But he

They sound way over invested in each other’s lives. How long were they together? Telling each other 2 years after they’ve split that they’re seeing someone is ridiculous. From the comments you’ve had you can see different people view exes differently. I never have much contact with exes because I don’t see the point 🤷🏻‍♀️ Other people will want to keep in contact because of your shared past etc. He sounds like he’s either the latter or he’s still in love with her. He is of course entitled to have who he wants in his life but equally, you are entitled to decide what you accept. If he’s not willing to remove her (to whatever extent) from his life then you are allowed to decide you don’t want him in your life. Are you prepared to have her lurking around? It doesn’t sound like they have any reason to still be in contact in the way they are (I did think maybe the reason the FB Idiot posted what he did is because your DP has shown he isn’t over his ex. It’s maybe his thing...”Oh gawd! ‘Ere he goes. Derek, she left you mate. TWO YEARS AGO!”). It’s perfect.y fine for him to still be in love with her and secretly want to get back together, but he then runs the risk of losing you. If you’ve got a problem with it and he won’t change things the problem is just going to get bigger.

How often are they actually in contact now? Is he going to continue to meet wirh her? Does she comment on his social media a lot?

They split up two years ago but if he finds somewhere nice to live he wants some of his garden things back?
That's ridiculous. If I was his ex I'd be charging him for two years storage if he had that attitude.

It does sound like he's using silly excuses to keep a bit of a link with her though.

@Chiccie

If it was me I’d be sassy on that comment. Under the Sarah comment I’d write “who’s Sarah? (Insert laughing emoji) now my man has steak at home he’s gone off kebabs” Don’t be goaded, he a Queen. Shut that shit down.

Don't write that! It makes you sound pathetic.

@Chiccie

If it was me I’d be sassy on that comment. Under the Sarah comment I’d write “who’s Sarah? (Insert laughing emoji) now my man has steak at home he’s gone off kebabs” Don’t be goaded, he a Queen. Shut that shit down.

Are you 15? Don’t degrade yourself like this OP, your boyfriend will just think you’re a dick.

@Chiccie

If it was me I’d be sassy on that comment. Under the Sarah comment I’d write “who’s Sarah? (Insert laughing emoji) now my man has steak at home he’s gone off kebabs” Don’t be goaded, he a Queen. Shut that shit down.

FGS don’t ever do anything like this. Aside from being misogynistic it’s also very childish.

Hi.

They are not on eachothers social medias. I only presume that's to stop them being insecure if they saw the other getting attention etc.

He's told me they just text like. Hi how are you. He said it's not very often..she asked to go around Christmas Eve for a cuppa but he was busy. We've been dating six months. The last time he saw her was within the first two months we had been involved but he didn't tell me..he has told me since she had been over for a drink and he told her he had met me and I meant the world to him. She apparently said she knew it would happen and she's happy for him.

I have no idea if he speaks about her to people. We don't live together. He kind of just mentions bit and pieces about her. He's never called her by her name to me. She's always my ex.

I think he loves me and wants a future but it's definitely a case of he's not over her in some way. I don't know if it's lovewise, or he misses her terribly if it was actually her that had wanted to end things. Maybe he feels regret. We've spoken about her and he's always very much. I'd never go back there. She was lovely but she became like a friend. Or he will say about her leaving him to go away without him. I do believe it's over but as I don't see the messages etc. She could be also manipulating him abit too.. perhaps she is struggling to see him moving forward too.

He has left it open with her that when he finally lives somewhere he's happy he wants some of the garden stuff back. So that's another reason they have not completely closed things

It's been two years and he's told her he wants some garden stuff back when he's finally happy. It's all a bit odd, this sounds like one of those situations where you leave something at a house so you always have a 'reason' to get in contact or go round..

Can he not just have the garden stuff where he is now?

I think it does sound like he loves you & clearly cares about your little boy too, but I think I'd struggle to get my head round some of this.

She was a big part of his life for along time, that'll stay with him. Sounds as if some aspects still upset him (going on holidays without him) but he still sees her as a friend though if its only occasional communication he's not that bothered. If you can't cope with him still being upset about parts of their relationship move on. It sounds though as he likes you and the kids.

Who has the dog? Perhaps he misses the dog more.

This is the thing isn't it. I think it's hard because they split due to growing apart but still loving one another. It's still painful regardless of the reason but with an affair or just unkind personalities it's clearer to see why it's over. I feel as though he's maybe struggled with this side of it.

I'm trying not to focus on it as we are making progress with our own relationship. But as I say that comment. I wouldn't in a million years write anything. I've not even asked him why that man mentioned an ex from two years back. Because I do want to be a mature adult about it. I'm trying to figure out what I don't like. I've broken it down to.

What if he compares me to her.
What if he's secretly still has intense feelings for her that he's secretly battling.
What if I never get as close to meaning what she did.

Also he's lived alone now for just over a year and he massively fell apart the first six months. That all adds up to when he left their home. Which adds up to why he had her pictures in the house. He moved in there and put her on the walls. Like I say they are down now. But it all adds up to the split was extremely bad for him. I can't really ask him anymore questions without sounding insecure. Like I say I don't feel jealous. I don't ever see them going back. But I am pretty confident two years on.

He is still emotionally not over her. Potentially still loves her.

He's not made any memories since they ended. It's like they split. He fell apart. He's worked and that's it. He lives alone. Hasn't dated until meeting me. So I am literally the first thing he's ever put his heart and soul into since it ended. Which is a start and it's where he has started.

I hope I'm making sense and thank you for reading and giving me your views.

It’s a tricky situation OP and I feel for you. But, you need to accept that if they were together for nine years and are friends that you won’t be able to come between that, and you shouldn’t look to. If you can’t accept their friendship then let him go; he’ll end up resenting you if you go all psycho or even slightly possessive.

I’m friends with all my ex’s and one is my best friend; we talk all day every day (broke up about four years ago). We still love each other but have no intention of ever getting back together - sometimes relationships just don’t work out. The fact we still love each other is what makes us best friends. But, he’s had girlfriends who have told him not to talk to me - they’ve been dumped pretty fucking fast because in his eyes it’s a new woman in his life telling him to ditch someone he’s been best friends with for seven years.

Don’t put yourself in a similar position by making him choose. At the end of the day he’s dating you - not her. There is a reason for that. Don’t let your insecurity get the better of you.

You need to trust him and, by extension, her. If they wanted to be together, they would be.

@unbotheredbutbewildered

Thank you for your point of view. I definitely won't be making him choose. Ultimately I know he wants a life with Me. He does love me and he's been fairly open. I think he's watered down how much he loved her and I think there's a huge possibility she was ready for it to end more than him.

I am ok with them being on good terms. But I think when he moved out that he did things that were not truly starting a fresh because he wasn't ready. Such as putting intimate photos up. Agreeing they would tell each other about new lovers. That sort of thing. Whilst I would love to believe that's friendship I think it's actually abit of pain and heartache mixed in from seperating. To move forward and be happy with someone else you've got to have made peace and moved on with certain parts. I think the healthiest route for them now would to just let the other do whatever and stop updating eachother on potential lovers etc. Ofcourse wish eachother happy birthday. Say hello. Check the others ok sometimes. But I don't truly believe anyone needs or wants to picture their ex intimate with someone else. Especially when there's still love around eachother.

It's tricky. I'm sure I'll forget in a few days again. Just that comment felt like a reminder that people think of them two as a couple still.

I'd personally be more wary of a boyfriend who had zero contact with any exes.

Why? I’m not in contact with any of my exes. I don’t really see any need for it tbh. If there’s children involved then you obviously have to keep in contact but other than that, I’ve never really seen a need to keep them around. I don’t think this makes me strange at all, I barely know anyone who bothers with their exes aside from ones with children.

Anyway, my guess is he didn’t want things to end with her and she called it quits. He’s still pining after her but has had to accept that she probably isn’t coming back now, two years down the line. He’s trying to move on with you but it’s a slow process for him and I actually think keeping the contact with her won’t help him. I’d personally have left it there the first time you called it quits. The fact he still had photos of her on his wall two years after the split is really weird.

@Chiccie

If it was me I’d be sassy on that comment. Under the Sarah comment I’d write “who’s Sarah? (Insert laughing emoji) now my man has steak at home he’s gone off kebabs” Don’t be goaded, he a Queen. Shut that shit down.

Argh that is the opposite of being a queen! I would cringe myself inside out if I saw someone write that - it's just insulting another woman despite that woman not having involved herself whatsoever in the posts between two men! Calling another woman trash doesn't make you look like a Queen, it makes you look nasty and immature.

I don't think you really have anything to worry about from what you've said. You wouldn't be the first person to have someone try to stir things up between you and a new partner for some weird reason. But if you're not happy then you need to leave.

@Norwayreally

I'd personally be more wary of a boyfriend who had zero contact with any exes.

Why? I’m not in contact with any of my exes. I don’t really see any need for it tbh. If there’s children involved then you obviously have to keep in contact but other than that, I’ve never really seen a need to keep them around. I don’t think this makes me strange at all, I barely know anyone who bothers with their exes aside from ones with children.

Anyway, my guess is he didn’t want things to end with her and she called it quits. He’s still pining after her but has had to accept that she probably isn’t coming back now, two years down the line. He’s trying to move on with you but it’s a slow process for him and I actually think keeping the contact with her won’t help him. I’d personally have left it there the first time you called it quits. The fact he still had photos of her on his wall two years after the split is really weird.

It doesn't make you strange, and maybe circumstances mean staying in touch doesn't make sense (no mutual friends, not friendly with each other's families, no common meeting places, no shared assets, moving area). But a lot of those reasons kind of point to relationships that are more surface level. I prefer deeper connections, and certainly with my last ex we are in touch, not regularly, but enough that he knows he can reach me if he needs to. His mum contacted me this week in fact, out of the blue for some advice. I share a lot of mutual friends with this ex, and vaguely keep up with some of his family members. We'll never be bestfriends again (he's too much of a dickhead) but I shared 8 years with him.

Never mind all the awful reasons an ex might not stay in touch with you - if you've been emotionally or physically abusive, or just generally a bit of a dickhead.

@prisencolinensinainciusol2

Social media is a load of wank (for wankers).

Get off it and get a life.

Agreed

Oh hang on...isn't this social media? 🤔

@prisencolinensinainciusol2
"Social media is a load of wank (for wankers).

Get off it and get a life."

Beautifully put

@Youcunnyfunt

I'd personally be more wary of a boyfriend who had zero contact with any exes.

Really? I'm not in contact with any of mine, neither is my husband. I can fully understand why you'd be in contact with an ex you had kids with, and being polite and friendly with others in the same social group, or if you happened to bump into them in the street or pub or whatever, but otherwise I'd find it a bit odd. But maybe that's just me.

Oh btw before the cool wives jump on me, we'd lost contact with exes before we got together. Neither put pressure on the other. Since we got together we bumped into an ex of mine at a mutual friends birthday bash, where we chatted politely for a while, and another occasion we were in another pub and his ex's son was working there. We chatted with the son and sent our regards to his mum. No hard feelings ior anything on either occasion.

@Spidey66

Oh btw before the cool wives jump on me, we'd lost contact with exes before we got together. Neither put pressure on the other. Since we got together we bumped into an ex of mine at a mutual friends birthday bash, where we chatted politely for a while, and another occasion we were in another pub and his ex's son was working there. We chatted with the son and sent our regards to his mum. No hard feelings ior anything on either occasion.

Why the need to insult other women with the "cool wives" jibe? It just makes you look rude and silly.