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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not donate?

71 replies

Embarrasedaf · 05/02/2021 21:38

My friend constantly sends me links to fundraisers she’s involved with every month or so, with the implicit expectation that I donate. There’s been a range of different things from charity donations to fundraisers for her NHS trust.

She posts these all over her social media and I feel compelled to donate, especially as most of our mutuals get involved too. It’s very “public” - donors & donations are listed on the website. I have donated £20-50 each time, anything lower seems rude almost?

Recently her loved one passed away from a certain disease, so she’s set up another fundraiser with the proceeds going to a charity for that disease.

My financial situation isn’t the best at the moment and I can’t afford yet another donation, even though it’s a really personal cause for her. I feel like even a token £10 wouldn’t be enough as everyone has donated at least £50. I feel pressured as she’s sent me the link multiple times so I can’t just ignore it. AIBU for not donating?

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 05/02/2021 21:43

YANBU if you can't afford it.

But, and presuming this is in memory of her partner and that he died recently, I would make an extra effort if I could to donate to this one, and then perhaps ignore future requests. I would also say that if £5/10 is all you can afford, then donate that amount. It really doesn't matter what others have donated.

ZackaryQuack · 05/02/2021 21:43

Not at all, you can only give what you can give.

Be honest and tell her you can't afford to, or just give what you can.

She should understand.

Original poster

Embarrasedaf · 05/02/2021 22:09

Thank you both! It’s not her partner, it’s her late grandfather

Yeah, that was my thinking to donate this time as it’s a special cause - but I’ll probably have to pull out my credit card! I had unexpected expenses this month after a car accident which has decimated my savings. She knows this but thinks I’ll be okay as eventually I’ll get my money back

OP posts:

BonnieDundee · 05/02/2021 22:11

You CAN ignore. She doesnt get to dictate how you spend your money. She is a CF

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2021 22:12

YABU for donating money you’d rather not in the past because of perceived pressure from this woman or social media.

If she’s really your friend your relationship isn’t conditional on you giving your money to her preferred causes.

YANBU to decide you’re going to stop now and make your own decisions about what if any causes get your hard earned cash.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2021 22:15

I’ll probably have to pull out my credit card!

Oh ffs. No. Don’t be so ridiculous. If you don’t have it you shouldn’t be spending it.

She’s welcome to support any causes she likes and it’s up to all the other people if they want to let themselves feel bullied into it. They’re very lucky to be able to afford it.

She is not the boss of you or your wallet!

Do you generally struggle to say no to things and stand up for yourself?

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 05/02/2021 22:16

There is little more tedious than these constant requests for donations. Charity is private and you give what you can to the causes you choose. Not what your bossy, pushy friend decides you should give to. Just ignore these requests. With respect, donating to the charity that raises money for the thing that her loved one suffered from will not help her loved one. Of course the money will go to help others who suffer from the same thing but you can always donate, should you wish to, at a later date if or when your finances improve. There's no urgency to donate just because of your friend's very sad bereavement. Don't let her pressure you into giving money you can't afford to charities she decides are worthy of it.

TinyCake · 05/02/2021 22:17

This is why I like the donation websites where they amount and even your name can be anonymous. If you can I'd donate to this one.

You might find if you donate a small amount other people might be releaved that the precident has been set so they don't feel they have to donate a large amount to keep up with everyone else.

ShutTheFuckUp123 · 05/02/2021 22:20

For goodness sake stop allowing this friend to bully you in to parting with cash you can't afford to lose. Either be honest and tell her to stop sending you links to this sort thing because you don't have any spare cash or just ignore the them.

Chloemol · 05/02/2021 22:20

If you can on,y afford £10 then that’s all you can afford

I would be asking her to stop sending links as I won’t be donating. Tell her you have your own charities you donate to and can’t afford to donate to all

In fact I would do it on one if her posts, you may just start something as I bet others are in the same position

pumpkinbump · 05/02/2021 22:20

No. I don't donate to everything like this, I concentrate on just the charities I'm interested in. It's good that people try to raise money for things but it gets on my nerves when you see it all over social mefie, like so and so from school who you haven't seen for 20 years is asking for donations for their birthday to be sent to so and so charity so show your support. Well you wouldn't get them a birthday gift so why donate?

TinyCake · 05/02/2021 22:23

Sorry I missed the bit about using your credit card. Don't get into debt for this. If you feel bad you could send a message and wish her well but explain you can't afford it. But you don't have to explain to anyone.

Mittens030869 · 05/02/2021 22:32

If it means having to use your credit card, this really needs to be a time when you say no. Your friend shouldn’t be bullying you to donate anyway.

HighSpecWhistle · 05/02/2021 22:37

I've never seen anyone donate more than £20 to a charity that isn't personal.

YANBU. Just don't donate. If she asks, say you will get round to it soon and just don't. If she keeps pushing, then explain to her it's making you feel pressured and uncomfortable, that you don't have the money for all these donations. Maybe tell a white lie (if it's not true that is) and say you already donate money each month and can't afford anymore.

Jeschara · 05/02/2021 22:48

No, please do not do it if you cant afford it.

icelollycraving · 05/02/2021 22:53

Perhaps if you tell her you can’t afford it, she might crowdfund for you? Unexpected bonus
Seriously, I do the odd one, usually £10/£20. She now has the expectation of you donating so nip it in the bud. Definitely do not use a credit card for charity!

visitorfromtheplanetzog · 05/02/2021 22:58

Just send her a message and tell her good luck with her fundraising, but you already have several charities that you support and since funds are tight at present you will be concentrating on those. So please don't ask again.

If she takes umbrage, then she really wasn't a friend in the first place.

ShittingHell · 05/02/2021 23:00

Jesus absolutely don't feel guilty for not donating. £20 - 50 is the norm? Really?!! That is shocking to me. If me or anything I've been involved in sets stuff like this up £5 - 10 would be the max and realistically I would say most could afford more but that would never be expected or pressured in any way. Absolutely no way would I go into debt over this. Please don't.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 05/02/2021 23:02

Just don't donate OP. Stop donating to any of it. It's your money, do what you like with it. If she's your friend, then whether you donate or not shouldn't be an issue.

freezedriedromance · 05/02/2021 23:04

"Sorry but I'm not in a financial position to donate."

Job done.

Original poster

Embarrasedaf · 05/02/2021 23:05

Thank you all

You’re right in that I shouldn’t have set a precedent. I usually can afford to donate so it hasn’t been much of an issue until now, she probably doesn’t realise my situation has changed.

The monetary value of the donations do feel competitive - definitely a bit of peer pressure and lack of assertiveness on my behalf!

She’s a frontline key worker and this bereavement hit her hard which is why people have been donating large amounts. In fact I’ve just checked - she’s already reached her target! Going to leave it at I’m really happy she hit her goal so quickly and gauge her response.

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/02/2021 23:06

YANBU.

I can afford charity donations but I pay monthly direct debits to the ones I want to support. I don't donate to any fundraisers or any sponsored walks/runs/bike rides my friends do. I donate to charities of my choice, not ones that others pressure me into.

partyatthepalace · 05/02/2021 23:14

Why do you keep doing it if you can’t afford it?!

However for a charity related to her late partners illness I’d make an effort to afford 29 quid, but after that STOP

Original poster

Embarrasedaf · 05/02/2021 23:17

@partyatthepalace haha it’s only this month that I’ve ran into financial difficulty, I could afford it before.

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 05/02/2021 23:22

If she says anything point out that you’ve supported her a lot for various causes over the year, but you can’t afford to do it every time as she asks so often.

Tbh I’m sure she doesn’t expect everyone to donate every time, surely?

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