To not donate?

[Embarrasedaf]

My friend constantly sends me links to fundraisers she’s involved with every month or so, with the implicit expectation that I donate. There’s been a range of different things from charity donations to fundraisers for her NHS trust.

She posts these all over her social media and I feel compelled to donate, especially as most of our mutuals get involved too. It’s very “public” - donors & donations are listed on the website. I have donated £20-50 each time, anything lower seems rude almost?

Recently her loved one passed away from a certain disease, so she’s set up another fundraiser with the proceeds going to a charity for that disease.

My financial situation isn’t the best at the moment and I can’t afford yet another donation, even though it’s a really personal cause for her. I feel like even a token £10 wouldn’t be enough as everyone has donated at least £50. I feel pressured as she’s sent me the link multiple times so I can’t just ignore it. AIBU for not donating?

Does she actually donate to these charities herself or does she just post them and expect everyone else to cough up, culminating in her claiming the glory for the amount 'she' has donated to the charity?

Absolutely don't stress about it.
It's not exactly charitable to guilt trip someone into giving you money is it?

I understand the pressure though. I remember years and years ago a very Christian colleague of ours (she reminded everyone of her piety every day... ) was fundraising in the office.
Her church had somehow set up a charity to replace their altarpiece. I refused to donate (it was basically re-decoration, I have no idea how they managed to register it legally as a charity). Most people in the office thought I was a stone cold bitch.

I just say I have charities personal to me I already donate to. Its not up for discussion

OP, you’ve had some great suggestions on here, so I hope you’ve found a way to deflect this constant pressure from your so-called friend.

Please work on your assertiveness though. A simple, “Not able to donate on this occasion” should suffice - don’t give her a reason why.

We are comfortable but there is no.way I'd donate as much as £50 to a charity that someone else chose for me. They'd get a tenner as a one-off not on a regular basis.

I never donate to these things , if I want to give to charity I will . I certainly won't be guilted into it ! Just say you have done it anonymously if you can't deal with her ! ( it doesn't show your name so she can't know )

I don’t get embarrassed into these things. They’ve started sending around more and more of these things at work now and I just don’t donate. We’re trying to pay extra off our mortgage and literally every penny counts so I don’t want to hand over money for a new baby I’ll never meet or for an engagement to someone where I’m not even 100% sure I’ve ever spoken to them. Fuck that.

I know you want to help but this isn't the way to do it. Volunteer your time where it's needed. That would mean so much more. Charities are big businesses these days. With all the online donating you are lining the pockets of a CEO more than helping where it's really needed . All you are doing at the moment is contributing to your friends virtue signalling.

Don't worry about your friend or your mutuals, odds are many of your friends friends are feeling as pressured and bullied as you are.

I guarantee no one remembers who donated in the last request.

Don't give what you don't have. A condolence card to your friend is enough. Don't go into debt for somebody else's dead Grandad!

Exactly how much does She herself put into these 'collections' ?

I work with a colleague who up until Covid.. went on 3 overseas trips a year.. some were 4 weeks long.. all paid for via 'GoGundMe' pages .. all under the guise of several charities... years this has been going on... China.. Cambodia .. Vietnam... USA.. you name it.. he's been there... we all got 'GoFundMe' fatigue ...

So I do understand OP 🌺

It’s absolutely bonkers that you’d consider using your credit card for this.
You shouldn’t feel obliged to donate £20-50 each time either. But obviously what’s done is done now.
From hereonin though, just ignore and delete any future emails. And if she ever asks you about it (which would be bloody rude, quite frankly) then you can say something alone the lines of what a PP upthread said - that either you support your own charities in your own way; or you can’t afford these constant requests for money.

Just stop doing it. And don't apologise or explain to your friend as it's none of her business to complain if you don't donate.

I hate the way we are pressurised into donating. So many people do a charity donation for their birthdays on SM. I've only donated twice this way. One for an ex pupil to get a drug not obtainable from the NHS and the other was fundraising for the hospital that saved her husband's life. I do feel guilty when I see these appeals, but it is pressure and I'm not giving in to it.

Please don't go into credit card debt for this. In your position I'd message her saying that whilst you normally donate you just can't do it this time, good luck with the fundraising. Tbh I think she's a CF sending the link several times!

I agree, hate being pressured into giving. It's easy to say just don't do it, but it's awkward when people do those Facebook Birthday fundraisers and everyone else in your friendship group has donated (you can see who has and even if you keep the amount anonymous people can work out what you've donated from the last total.)
It also annoys me when they don't donate anything themselves!
I have my own charities that I like to give to (foodbank and a local homeless charity) but don't expect others to support my choices as everyone has their own reasons for supporting a particular charity.

You are a nicer person than me! I never feel obliged to donate to links my friends post on facebook or whatever.

I rarely donate and I never feel the need to explain my decision to anyone!

(I have my own causes I feel strongly about and focus on those - never send links to others either).

This is the perfect t excuse to come off social media. Then you won’t see them and you won’t feel guilty.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply I have read all your posts - I really appreciate your thoughts and have taken your advice on board! I wasn’t expecting you to be so nice

We had a little chat about this today - she essentially said don’t be silly, it’s fine that I couldn’t donate! So I was stressing over nothing!

Thanks for the reality check with this. I definitely feel foolish for wasting so much money now that I’m skint!

Thanks for the higher-rate taxpayer tip too - worth looking in to after the recent band changes

@Embarrasedaf

Thank you all for taking the time to reply I have read all your posts - I really appreciate your thoughts and have taken your advice on board! I wasn’t expecting you to be so nice

We had a little chat about this today - she essentially said don’t be silly, it’s fine that I couldn’t donate! So I was stressing over nothing!

Thanks for the reality check with this. I definitely feel foolish for wasting so much money now that I’m skint!

I might be wrong and your friend may be glory hunting but it sounds like she is doing what she can to raise money for whoever she can. If you have nothing to give, just sharing her post can show that you care and someone you have shared it with may be able to contribute and raise awareness for said charity.

I used to donate to all the random causes that my friends stuck on Facebook, then I did a fundraiser and loads of people didn't donate, which is well within their rights. I felt much better ignoring the ones that don't appeal to me after that.