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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving Area and Leaving 72 Year old Mother Behind?

52 replies

red989 · 05/02/2021 11:18

We have been living in Devon for 14 years (originally from Midlands). My Mum moved down to be closer to us soon after and lives about 10 miles away. However 5 years ago my husband was made redundant and has now had to go an work back in the Midlands. He has been coming home late on Friday night and leaving on Sunday morning. We are now at the stage when our son is leaving college and I have been made redundant and although I have post graduate qualifications am looking at minimum wage to find another job. We sold our house and we have been looking at moving back to the Midlands as I thought this would be better for all of us financially as we are now struggling to pay rent and mortgage on two properties so my Husband has somewhere to live mid week and myself and Son need to find work. I also hate living here and desperate to move back to civilisation. Property is also very expensive where we live and not really any employment opportunities for my Son. Apart from that spending only one day a week together is stressful.

I suggested this to my Mum as she has family and people she knows in the Midlands. She is also wanting to move out of her current house as it is too big for her. This hasn't gone down well and she says we are just leaving her alone to die and don't care about her. I have looked at quite a few areas and given her suggestions and ideas of where she could live near us but she is not keen on anywhere as she likes living by the sea. She is 72 and very fit walks about 10 miles a day and at the moment doesn't need care so could possibly stay where she is. She has a few friendly but not a great social life where she is.

Am I being unreasonable expecting her to move with us or even moving and leaving her behind.

The general opinions from friends is that I should stay and look after my mother but they don't have husbands and children. If I stay here it is likely I will be on my own long term except for one day a week. I don't have any social life here I am not single but not part of a couple (as he's never here) so don't really fit into any category for socialising.

Any suggestions ideas appreciated.

OP posts:

grumpygiraffe · 05/02/2021 11:51

Of course you are entitled to move where you want. You can’t look after your mother all your life - your responsibilities are your husband and son.

She sounds very needy - why did she have to move to Devon in the first place? She must only have been in her 50s then.

yoyo1234 · 05/02/2021 12:04

You have other responsibilities. What she said to you was harsh.

Original poster

red989 · 05/02/2021 12:10

My Mum wasn't keen on moving to Devon in the first place but thought it would be a good idea as my Son was quite young and she wanted to spend time with him. She has never seemed that keen on living here until I suggested moving back! It would be different if I was moving here to a strange place away from everything she knew but we are looking at going back to an area she knows and has family and she could buy the sort of property she wants. It is nice to be by the sea but I just feel is she has the upheaval of moving house anyway (she wants to) then why not move with us.

OP posts:

peak2021 · 05/02/2021 12:14

If you move and your mum does not, think about how often you would visit (say once a month), when your mum visits you and how in her present health she could do things independently (such as visiting other family). So you should think about where you move to and local public transport, and where your mum is now look at what support is available were her fitness to reduce. Things such as internet grocery delivery for example, were normal shopping to become difficult.

Aprilx · 05/02/2021 12:25

The general opinion from friends is that I should stay and look after my mother but they don’t have husbands and children.

Well of course, the unmarried without children should always be the ones to devote their lives to looking after elderly parents. 🙄

But to your main dilemma, you can’t live your life for your mother and it seems sensible to move back considering the circumstances given. If you asked her to move to Devon I could understand her being a bit miffed, but the comments she made were uncalled for.

Anothermother3 · 05/02/2021 12:28

She has the means to make her own choices so I really don’t think it’s fair of her.

Threeleaper · 05/02/2021 12:29

Of course you should move back -- from all you've said it would be a crazy move not to. Your mother sounds fit and healthy and well, and perfectly capable of making her own decisions about where she wants to love. I think all you can, or should, do is to lay out your perfectly valid reasoning as you've done here, and point out that moving or not moving is her choice.

MotherExtraordinaire · 05/02/2021 12:30

As an interim, could you live with your mum?.

TheMandalorian · 05/02/2021 12:32

She probably just needs a bit of time to think it over. She may be just struggling with the idea of change.

WanderingMilly · 05/02/2021 12:33

I would move if I were you. Your mother is an adult, fit and healthy enough to make her own choices and she can choose to stay or move as she thinks fit.
She didn't have to come down in the first place but chose to do so, it isn't essential to be near family.
I say this as a (now) single person in my 60s, I wouldn't dream of following my adult children around the country and if they choose to live far away from me - abroad even - it's really none of my business. But then I'm not that needy....

BrumBoo · 05/02/2021 12:33

You are not unreasonable wanting to move back, it makes absolutely sense.

You are unreasonable to expect your mother to if she's happy where she is. She is equally unreasonable to suggest you moving is in any way selfish on your part.

Your mother isn't even elderly yet. When the time comes that she may need care, she can either look to move closer then or make arrangements for care around the area she lives in. You do not owe your mother care, especially since she (as a currently healthy adult woman) could easily live another 20 years with little issue. Are you meant to put your life on serious hold at much loss to your lifestyle because she's ageing??

BiddyPop · 05/02/2021 12:35

The unmarried and without children are not necessarily the people who should look after older parents, but they are often the ones who have less other caring responsibilities to be taken into account. So they have more capacity to do the caring, or a greater proportion of the caring.

I think the OP may be trying to point out that those of her DFriends advising her to stay local are not taking into account her other family concerns and priorities that she must think about as well as how her DM would manage. And only thinking about how her DM would manage.

It should also be remembered that, according to OP, her DM followed her originally but that it was DM's choice to move. So why is it suddenly OP's responsibility to stay with her when she is trying to spend more than 1 day a week with her own DH, maintain a relationship with her DC who needs to move for work purposes, and to find a new job for herself - none of which are possible if she doesn't move.

Which of those takes priority -
DH, DC and finding a decent job
Or DM, paying a 2nd rent which is unaffordable, and not being able to get a decent job

Honeyroar · 05/02/2021 12:37

I do feel sorry for her. She moved so she could see her grandson as often. And she is getting to that age where she might need support soon. (and no you’re not responsible, but I couldn’t leave my mum!)

Could you find somewhere in the Midlands nest the coast? She might be persuaded to follow you again?

biddybird · 05/02/2021 12:41

YANBU. You have asked her to come with you. If she prioritises living in Devon more than living near you, that is her choice.

She's only 72 though—her feelings will likely change very quickly after a few more years have passed.

Can you buy a house with a granny flat or ground floor spare bedroom, so she will have somewhere to relocate to when the time comes?

CaptainSirTomMooreismyhero · 05/02/2021 12:44

Could you find somewhere in the Midlands nest the coast?
😂😂😂
I'm sorry but I had to laugh as I think of The Midlands as in the middle of the country (so nowhere near the coast).

Honeyroar · 05/02/2021 12:45

Lincolnshire is in the Midlands and on the coast...

TwirpingBird · 05/02/2021 12:47

Your mother is an adult. You are an adult. You have the make decisions that are best for you. Your mother doesnt sound like she is on deaths door. She sounds healthy, fit, able took after herself. Yes, she will probably be lonely and that may be what is bothering her the most but many people dont live near their parents (including me. Mine live in a different country and both of their kids moved abroad). Its not a childs job to look after their parents at the cost to their own happiness and family. As a mother myself, I believe it's my job to raise my kids to lead their own lives, not be tied to me or feel obliged to plan their lives around me. It's the midlands to Devon. It's not a million miles away. If she really needs you you are a few hours away in a car.

Original poster

red989 · 05/02/2021 12:48

Hi - Thanks for the comments. Definitely didn't mean any offence by saying my friends are single - just as Biddypop said I have to consider DH and DC in my decision. We have actually being discussing this for 3 years with my Mother but now I am also unemployed and DH is finding the travelling too much I really need to make a decision. Unfortunately the Midlands is a bit to far from the sea but plenty of canals!

OP posts:

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 05/02/2021 12:48

You do sound a bit rude about Devon OP.
How do all the other people who live there manage for jobs?

Redglitter · 05/02/2021 12:51

The general opinion from friends is that I should stay and look after my mother

By the sounds of it she doesn't need looking after. You should do what's best for you & your family. Your current situation of only seeing your husband a day or so a week is awful.

You've given your Mum options. If she chooses to stay its her choice. Don't allow her to emotionally blackmail you

viques · 05/02/2021 12:53

She is being unreasonable, and quite nasty in my opinion (which I am entitled to as I am about the same age as her ) she has had ten years to build a life and friendships in her area, and sounds fit and healthy , the leaving me here to die guilt trip is appalling behaviour. Why has she only decided now that her house is too big for her? She’s been living in it alone for ten years. By all means take her round to view a few properties if that is what she wants and you can be bothered, but believe me, a fit and healthy 72 year old woman is perfectly capable of logging on to estate agents and sorting out viewings for a new property herself.

Plmoknijb123 · 05/02/2021 12:56

I would go but have empathy for your mum. Change is harder for older people, even if it makes practical sense. A lot of older people complain about stupid things and become crotchety. I think give her time and understanding, as she obviously loves you and moved for you.

SummerBlondey · 05/02/2021 12:57

Why does it have to be the Midlands? Surely you could relocate to somewhere coastal that has a good jobs market.

It's a difficult one. I moved away from my home town when my parents were in their 40's. My sister stayed local. Now that we have only one elderly parent left, my sister has decided that I am the devil incarnate, even though I do loads from afar (like the weekly shop).

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 05/02/2021 13:04

If she loves walking I assume the Devon coast is very appealing for this. I am not familiar with what comes under the term midlands - is there a suitable place where she could have great walks (ideally not needing to drive far to them) rather than being in a city?

Cottagepieandpeas · 05/02/2021 13:14

@SummerBlondey

Why does it have to be the Midlands? Surely you could relocate to somewhere coastal that has a good jobs market.

OP’s husband works in the Midlands.

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