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Original poster

Moving Area and Leaving 72 Year old Mother Behind?

52 replies

red989 · 05/02/2021 11:18

We have been living in Devon for 14 years (originally from Midlands). My Mum moved down to be closer to us soon after and lives about 10 miles away. However 5 years ago my husband was made redundant and has now had to go an work back in the Midlands. He has been coming home late on Friday night and leaving on Sunday morning. We are now at the stage when our son is leaving college and I have been made redundant and although I have post graduate qualifications am looking at minimum wage to find another job. We sold our house and we have been looking at moving back to the Midlands as I thought this would be better for all of us financially as we are now struggling to pay rent and mortgage on two properties so my Husband has somewhere to live mid week and myself and Son need to find work. I also hate living here and desperate to move back to civilisation. Property is also very expensive where we live and not really any employment opportunities for my Son. Apart from that spending only one day a week together is stressful.

I suggested this to my Mum as she has family and people she knows in the Midlands. She is also wanting to move out of her current house as it is too big for her. This hasn't gone down well and she says we are just leaving her alone to die and don't care about her. I have looked at quite a few areas and given her suggestions and ideas of where she could live near us but she is not keen on anywhere as she likes living by the sea. She is 72 and very fit walks about 10 miles a day and at the moment doesn't need care so could possibly stay where she is. She has a few friendly but not a great social life where she is.

Am I being unreasonable expecting her to move with us or even moving and leaving her behind.

The general opinions from friends is that I should stay and look after my mother but they don't have husbands and children. If I stay here it is likely I will be on my own long term except for one day a week. I don't have any social life here I am not single but not part of a couple (as he's never here) so don't really fit into any category for socialising.

Any suggestions ideas appreciated.

OP posts:
TwirpingBird · 05/02/2021 13:39

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

If she loves walking I assume the Devon coast is very appealing for this. I am not familiar with what comes under the term midlands - is there a suitable place where she could have great walks (ideally not needing to drive far to them) rather than being in a city?
The cotswolds, but its pricey. Some villages have nice countryside walks that you could access without a car, but very rural and isolated. Cheltenham is a nice town with some walks on the outskirts, but again, pricey. I live in the Midlands and use my car a lot.
Original poster
red989 · 05/02/2021 13:41

Viques - thank you for your comments you made me smile you sound lovely. I guess my Mum is now thinking 10 years on she will struggle with the house as she gets older. I have suggested many houses she could think about both here and in the Midlands but nothing works. I am thinking we will just move and then try to find her a solution.

OP posts:
mootymoo · 05/02/2021 13:42

You are completely independent, I would simply tell her your plans and that you would try to visit every 6-8 weeks, more if possible but can't promise. If she's interested in moving with you, is a house with an annex a possibility?

Tempusfudgeit · 05/02/2021 13:51

I wonder if you slightly used her for childcare previously and she now feels abandoned?

JKW36 · 05/02/2021 14:04

A difficult one. She moved to be with you the first time and has settled there, now she will have to uproot her life again if she wants to be able to see you regularly.
Is there any chance she could live with you?

Original poster
red989 · 05/02/2021 14:25

We have been looking just North of the Cotswolds. Unfortunately we don't have a big budget due to living in a fairly deprived area at the moment.

OP posts:
DreadAndFear · 05/02/2021 14:28

Argh this is so tricky (for me).
I'm the 'carer' for my parents by default as both my siblings live abroad. They are only in their early 70's but both very unwell.
I don't think I could move away from them (and resent my siblings because they know this).

Sorry you are in this difficult situation.

Lollypop701 · 05/02/2021 14:46

So your mum thinks you (and your family) should give up your own life, and she could be ok for the next 10 years, so she’s happy? Personally I’d move and she can always move up at a later date when she needs more support. I sound harsh but that’s the reality of what she wants you to do... how would she feel if you stay and end up divorced? What about your own retirement, if you’re not earning you won’t have a pension I feel for both of you but she needs to understand you have to plan for your future

TwirpingBird · 05/02/2021 14:51

@red989 evesham is pretty nice, as is tewkesbury, and Worcester (Worcester is my favourite out if the 3). North Gloucester is nice for access to Cheltenham and cotswolds and okish budget wise (260k for 3 bed semi) but the town centre isnt as nice. Although it does have gloucester quays, post pandemic.

CharlotteRose90 · 05/02/2021 15:01

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation 2 years ago with mum the same age. I wanted to move to Yorkshire from Manchester where I used to live. I felt awful leaving my mum on her own and used to worry something would happen to her. However my mums life is in Manchester and she told me to go live my own life. I think you need a proper chat with your mum but be prepared she will want to stay in Devon. Sounds like the coast lifestyle agrees with her and I certainly wouldn’t want to go back to the city at her age. Good luck

Original poster
red989 · 05/02/2021 15:01

We have looked at all areas from Tewkesbury upto Bromsgrove and across in South Warwickshire. I am happy to live in most of these areas really just want a decent job and a flatish garden (difficult to get here). I know the area well as I grew up and worked there. I have suggested all these options to my Mum but they are either too remote or not appealing. I'm thinking we should just get somewhere and she might get used to the area if she comes to stay.

OP posts:
TwirpingBird · 05/02/2021 15:08

..... Tewkesbury or worcester is remote, but Devon isnt? 🤣🤣 if I were you just pick where you want and she can follow you if she wants. It's not the worst area of the world to move to. I live around the area and I quite like it.

Mosaic123 · 05/02/2021 15:11

I wonder if it's the stress of moving that's her problem. You say you are, unfortunately, not working at the moment so you could help her move to a good bungalow/flat close to the area you want to be in? She could move first with your full support. Then you can concentrate on your own move and job hunting.

zingally · 05/02/2021 15:20

I live 2 hours away from my mum, and she's on her own (my dad died 3 years ago). Granted, she's "only" 65 and is generally fit and healthy.

In your case, I certainly wouldn't expect her to blindly follow me across the country, especially as she's already done it once. Is she living independently/successfully at the moment? As she's an adult, she can do her own thing, and I don't think it should hold you back. You'd be moving, what? 2 hours away, tops?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 05/02/2021 15:40

Just bite the bullet and move.
Her needs will change at some point and she will make the right decision for her.

ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown · 05/02/2021 17:36

@Tempusfudgeit

I wonder if you slightly used her for childcare previously and she now feels abandoned?
Yes I thought this too. This may not have been the case at all but it's quite likely granny would have had a useful role when the dc were smaller. Not so much now.
Winniewonka · 05/02/2021 18:56

Your Mum is choosing to be 'abandoned', it looks like you have tried many options of places to live that she has found fault with. Find somewhere that works best for you and your husband and tell it's now up to her whether or not she comes with you. She can't say you haven't tried.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/02/2021 19:03

How come you could only find jobs in the Midlands?

Parts of Devon have a reasonably thriving economy eg Exeter

FavPh0t0 · 05/02/2021 19:13

You have already sold your property

Move nearer where your DH is employed

Look for employment yourself

It is the saying put on your own oxygen mask, before you can help someone else

Italiangranny · 05/02/2021 20:07

You also need to remember your DS won’t necessarily live with you once he has a job, so even if you stay she won’t see him as much as when he was a child. I think you have to put him andDH first, if the move helps DH and gives you more time with him, and your DS is getting to be independent then move. Your DM will hopefully adjust to the idea once you makethis a reality, maybe ask her view on houses etc?

lidoshuffle · 05/02/2021 20:19

Your mum could be here for another 30 years. You can't put your life on hold for that long. It's not like you are moving and telling her you don't want her to come with you. It's her choice whether she does or not.

Lelophants · 05/02/2021 20:30

This is so difficult. No real advice op, but my inlaws are thinking of moving down to be near us now we have settled and have a child, more to come. I have this worry that in ten/twenty years we will be in your situation! I know it doesn't help you now, but we are saying to our family that although we have no intention to move, they need to make enough of a life for themselves here that it's ok if we move. But we also have lots of pressure not to if they're old.

It sounds like your mum is happy in Devon.

How long does it take to drive down? Although commuting every week is very hard, you wouldn't need to commute to your mum's every week do you?

Why don't you like Devon? Would you consider renting in the Midlands for a few years and then seeing if you can get jobs back in Devon again?

If you ask your mum what you should do, what does she think is the magic solution?

FavPh0t0 · 05/02/2021 21:13

You are not moving countries

I agree with previous post that your DM may live another 30+ years

There could be more moves in the future

covetingthepreciousthings · 05/02/2021 21:21

Did you use your mum for childcare?

I can understand both sides, I feel a bit sorry for her, but ultimately I do think it is your right to be able to move where you want. It sounds as though she is healthy and able to cope on her own for the time being.

Luke423 · 06/02/2021 05:59

My parents pulled a similar stunt on me and it's caused nothing but problems. I'm pretty much NC with mine even though they're physically very close to me. What I've said to mine is that I'll always make sure that they're looked after when they can't do it for themselves but I'm not going to play happy families and live in their pocket. This is due to toxic behaviour on their part and I've got enough children to care for thanks.

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