That parenting has changed

[Brieminewine]

I find I think about this so much more now that I’ve had a baby.

I’m a 90s kid, in my mind had a great childhood, lots of trips away, fun family time etc not much money but lots of love but when I got into my teens it’s changed. When I was about 14 my dad withdrew, I remember walking down a beach abroad and something being said like oh well it’s guna be one of the last chances to do something like this. It was more a bantery relationship after that and I feel as I got older they turned a blind eye to a lot I was up to (staying out all night, partying etc from 15/16) and now I think was it the time or was it the people?! Looking back I 100% wanted full control of my life, I had amazing friends and social life but was I too young to know what was best for me?

I’d say I’m close to my mum now but not in the share everything type of closeness that I’d want for my DD. I’ve turned out well good job etc and they always encouraged me so much with school work and careers etc but boys and general life zilch!ive never discussed any of this with anyone.

So I suppose my AIBU is, has parenting changed with the times or did I have a shit time and sugar coated lovely shared experiences but ultimately they let me down?!

Agreed, even though the generally fundamentals may stay the same I think parenting style changes throughout generations.

It sounds weird how your dad withdrew but i think lots of parents can't handle their kids growing up.

Fucks sake. I would've loved to have your problems as a kid/teen. You are looking for neglect where there was none. If you felt loved and cared for whats the problems many people don't even know if their parents love them or not!

I think parenting styles and attitudes change with time. I’m surprised at the number of threads about very rude and/or aggressive pre-teens/teens who never come of their room even for meals. Then responses are mostly meh, that’s hormones for you, they’ll emerge in a few years as the wonderful DC you remembered, just keep the lines of communication open etc.

I was a teen in the mid-80s and my parents would have gone berserk if I’d had a notion to be rude and/or not come out of my room etc, and excluded myself from meals, family life, and doing my share of cooking and housework. Either my parents were awful or times change!

I don’t think we can generalise about parenting changing - you’re talking about millions of people.

My DM was very overprotective of me as a teen, so I was quite sheltered and went to uni to the other side of the country to get some space. She kept me very safe as a teen, but that probably meant I was unworldly when I left home, which I found, to my cost, presents other challenges.

I was also a 1990s child by the way.

Haha absolutely not looking for neglect! Just becoming a parent and reading posts on MN has got me thinking about it, particularly my relationship with my dad. I think PP has got it right, he couldn’t handle the growing up, especially being a blokey bloke with a daughter.

@Movedtothedge

I think parenting styles and attitudes change with time. I’m surprised at the number of threads about very rude and/or aggressive pre-teens/teens who never come of their room even for meals. Then responses are mostly meh, that’s hormones for you, they’ll emerge in a few years as the wonderful DC you remembered, just keep the lines of communication open etc.

I was a teen in the mid-80s and my parents would have gone berserk if I’d had a notion to be rude and/or not come out of my room etc, and excluded myself from meals, family life, and doing my share of cooking and housework. Either my parents were awful or times change!

I agree that the overall pattern for parenting seems to be one of permissiveness.

If I had carried on in the obnoxious and downright abusive ways some of the kids mentioned on here do, my parents would have wiped the floor with me.

@Movedtothedge

I think parenting styles and attitudes change with time. I’m surprised at the number of threads about very rude and/or aggressive pre-teens/teens who never come of their room even for meals. Then responses are mostly meh, that’s hormones for you, they’ll emerge in a few years as the wonderful DC you remembered, just keep the lines of communication open etc.

I was a teen in the mid-80s and my parents would have gone berserk if I’d had a notion to be rude and/or not come out of my room etc, and excluded myself from meals, family life, and doing my share of cooking and housework. Either my parents were awful or times change!

I agree. Growing up, it was expected that teenagers would be a bit arsey and lazy sometimes but it was thought that you just had to come down a bit harder on them- that if they were becoming more independent, there were responsibilities to go with that. The "teenage tantrums" were mostly limited to a few shouting matches at 15/16 or so along the lines of "You are NOT going out dressed like that." I was a relentlessly sensible/boring teenager but even my sister, who was regarded as "very difficult" had nothing on a lot of the teens you hear about on here.

There's a strange, contradictory mix of "they won't be young for long" and "they're basically adults, we must affirm everything or they'll never forgive us". What this seems to mean in practice is that people will buy their 14 year olds condoms but think it's a bit steep to expect them to do the washing up.

There are parenting trends which change over the years, and I think there's no doubt that lots of parenting was a bit less vigilant/micro-managing, especially with teens, in some ways in the 70s and 80s than it is now, but obviously a lot still depends on the individual family. I'm surprised you notice so much difference even from the 90s - sounds like it could be the blokey dad/daughter thing.

You are almost describing my chiuldhood. Lovely, fun,loving parents who then let me get on with it from the age of 14+, very few rules. They started getting their lives back and started going away regularly at the weekend or out at night. I think if I had gone mad there would have been more rules but I was sensible, did well at school, had a part-time job, got a driving licence etc (and they wouldn't have tolerated the whole stay in my room and grunt thing but then I wasn't that kind of teen). TBh I really appreciated this trust and think it was the best possible way for me to grow up. Think parents are way too over-involved in older teenagers lives now. I think as they get older you need to be there as asounding board to offer help and advice but not getting involved in every aspect of their lives. They don't need a 40/50 something best friend. I have two lovely 13 year old daughters. At the moment they are still quite young in outlook (don't go out much on their own) but as soon as they do start I'll be happy to offer lifts, take them out shopping for the old treat/outfit, listen if they get unhappy but generally stay out of it. If I feel they are getting into dangerous territory (not quite sure what that might be and tbh I doubt they will, very straight-laced) I will of course butt in but otherwise, no I won't be checking their phone every day at 16 or vetting all the friends they want to sleepover with or checking they've done their homework. I'll be encouraging independence, going away onthe odd weekend (with my littler ds and dh) so they can cook for themselves (maybe secretly have a house party etc).

Not sure why you think you were neglected OP bsut sure there is more to it if you do.

Surely it depends on the parents in question? I remained very, very close with my parents right through their lives - especially my Dad. I know other people who also did, and some who didn't.

In terms of the locking myself in my room stuff mentioned above...I didn't do that, I would have been told I was being rude, too. Again, I don't know about other people really. I know my best friend growing up always ate with her parents and enjoyed it.

I was sometimes a stroppy teen but nothing crazy. But I also knew some really naughty teens who drove their parents mad, and these parents put up with a lot more than mine would have. I'd have been on serious trouble for refusing to come home for my tea for example!

I think it depends on the parents as people really. It's very difficult to say!

Just to confirm I 100% don’t think I was neglected, I had a very blessed childhood. I was just wondering if it was usual for parents to step back in your later teenage years as I read threads on here that blow my mind! Like 17 year olds having to hand their phone over on a night and ask permission to leave the house etc and my experience was completely different, so I just wondered if that was the norm.

My dad was the opposite, became quite full on and controlling when I got a boyfriend at 16 (DH now), even though I was generally a boring and quiet kid, well behaved etc. I think he was scared of me going off the handle, getting pregnant and ruining my life etc, but the only effect it had was to damage our relationship and make it very distanced for some years.
On the whole in the 90s/00s kids had more freedoms and responsibilities (I had a job from when I was 14/15 etc) and I was definitely determined to be independent.
Parenting has changed over the years, but there is always a change in the relationship with your parents as you get older - your experience sounds pretty normal to me, not all parents will get it right but I can't see what your issue is really

@Brieminewine

Just to confirm I 100% don’t think I was neglected, I had a very blessed childhood. I was just wondering if it was usual for parents to step back in your later teenage years as I read threads on here that blow my mind! Like 17 year olds having to hand their phone over on a night and ask permission to leave the house etc and my experience was completely different, so I just wondered if that was the norm.

I suppose when you mention things like the phone it's a bit different, and I see where you're coming from there. Although the phone thing I think is a bit different because of the internet. That side of things is so different these days - when I was growing up we had a family (that was basically mine) computer. I could use it as much as I liked but it was used downstairs! They knew I was chatting to people but as long as it was in full view and they had an idea of what the site was/who the people were it was okay. I think personal phones are a bit different. I'd feel uncomfortable with my son having that unfettered access too.

Parenting has changed. When I was young as soon as you become a teenager you are basically on your own, and my parents withdrew as well (leaving me in a number of very risky and dangerous situations) from a very young age. I do hold them accountable actually op.
It is a form of neglect leaving young girls to roam without enough supervision. It may not be abuse as such, but to me it is definitely a fojm of neglect. It is not okay to check out of your child's life at perhaps the most dangerous time!

I have dds now at the same age, and I am absolutely not parenting in that way. No way. I take great care of them, they are loved and cared for - respected and I know where they are all times of the day and night. We have boundaries, we have rules around safety and we are a very close family because of it.

It makes my blood run cold remembering the danger I was in, and the idea my own dc would be exposed to this.
So I totally get what you are saying op, and you are not wrong. Too much freedom is just as bad as not enough.

@Franticbutterfly

Fucks sake. I would've loved to have your problems as a kid/teen. You are looking for neglect where there was none. If you felt loved and cared for whats the problems many people don't even know if their parents love them or not!

I agree.

My mother was very cold and aggressive towards me when I was growing up and it meant we didn't have a good relationship thereafter. She finally told me she loved me when she knew she was dying. I was 58.

We've been watching classic coronation street and classic emmerdale. My DD was shocked that 14 year olds could get adult jobs and at 16 you could more or less do what you wanted, but the downside was that a level (if not total) of independence was expected. Also teenagers weren't protected as they are now, especially teenage girls.

Times have changed, parental and societal attitudes. Classic coronation street is up to were 16 year old Zoe has sold her baby and cleared off. If she doesn't come back no one would be bothered. At 15 Jenny was singing in clubs and left for France at 16. Toyah and Leanne are doing what they want at 15/16. That was fairly usual. People might have had stricter parents but they didn't have to live under their rules and could leave, work and rent their own place.

Also it will be upto your DD what she shares with you. That's down to personality, not just upbringing. My Sister asks over personal questions to one of my Adult DD's and it's made my DD push her away. I'm a very private person, it's not because of a lack of closeness.

@speaksofty yes you’ve completely got what I meant and worded it so much better than I did in my wine fuelled OP. I look back in horror at some of the situations I got into as a 16/17/18 year old, when I thought I was all grown up and clever.

Every single generation always thinks the next generation have it too easy. This is nothing new.

I had a 60s/70s childhood. We were expected to entertain ourselves most of the time. Nothing like as full on as today.

That said I was told off for being “cheeky” for stuff that children today wouldn’t be told off for I suspect.

My own experience is that my parents didn't really interfere with my life at that age but we had strict rules about what was and wasn't allowed and I wasn't the kind of teen to try to break any rules. Looking back on it, I probably could have done with some guidance on education and developing my skills but I know at the time I would not have appreciated it and probably would have rebelled more.