Limerence for a former date

[GreatExpectationalized]

I met up with someone from an online dating website a few years ago, when this person appeared at the station where we had agreed to meet up, it was as though I was dumbstruck. Almost a ringing in my ears, feeling as though my limbs had become part jelly, and a wild inexplicable parade sensations coursing through my veins - a feeling of euphoria. Strangely though, coupled with tremendous self-consciousness.

I'm not normally like that on a first date, far from it. For some reason, I couldn't stop myself saying how attractive this person was (the photos had given no indication of this, they were quite “normal”. Embarrassingly, I remember saying it more than a few times. Cringe.

Despite all this, we agreed to meet up for a second date... the impact on me only worsened, except this time I had to endure those crippling sensations for several hours. I remember sitting almost hunched over, talking barely above a whisper... it was as though every once of self confidence had been sapped out of me.

Obviously, my date didn’t agree to meet me again. Several years later, this person still overwhelms me just to think about. It is as though all of your wishes and fantasies became personified in one person and you almost cannot believe it and are too dazed and over-awed and overwhelmed to function properly.

I still wonder what would have happened if this person had met the real me, if I’d been able to control my reaction better. Lots of what ifs... these memories still have a powerful impact and sadden me and have me lost in beautiful memories in turns.

How do I shake off this mad nonsensical limerence? I never even got to know this person! Has this happened to you? What causes it? How did you deal with it?

I don’t think I have ever experienced that! How long did it last? Did it happen only when you were in close proximity to him? Was it body chemistry?

I didn’t think that was limerence- sounds more like an out of body experience.

Btw, you sound as though you are thinking that you messed up your chance with something/someone extraordinary- isn’t it possible that this was your body showing you what it is capable of experiencing and with the right person you would feel the goo stuff but just not in such an overwhelming way?

I mean, that you and this man might have had some great connection but not the best connection for you and instead there is someone out there who you could feel this way about without the negative bits?

Sounds like you met someone very, very hot. It happens.

Only thing unusual about this is that you’re still obsessing over it!

Plenty more dicks in the sea

The power of sexual attraction.

🤣🤣🤣

You know I can think of someone I felt some pretty powerful feelings for but I couldn’t quite go for it for some reason. Years later (when he contacted me but failed to mention his pregnant partner) I realised that there w are so many red flags with this guy and as extraordinarily powerful those feelings were and as hot as I found him, I couldn’t shake the gut feeling I had about him which I listened to.

I do know what you mean but you have to remember you fell not for him but your idea of him. If he'd hung around then your feelings would have shrunk back to normal.

I’ve had that once. Like literally weak at the knees. He was extremely attractive. He had a micropenis the poor sod. And he was a bit of a twat. I remember the feelings though. It was difficult being around him.

@LadyfromtheBelleEpoque

I don’t think I have ever experienced that! How long did it last? Did it happen only when you were in close proximity to him? Was it body chemistry?

I didn’t think that was limerence- sounds more like an out of body experience.

It lasted the whole time, both dates, start to finish. I was a wreck! It was certainly attraction, but only one sided I think. I have felt attraction before, but never ever that strongly. And this was sort of incapacitating and not entirely comfortable.

Out of body experience... haha! Not at all far from that!

You are also picking up on their feelings, too. I think that’s why they can seem overwhelming and chaotic - you’ve tapped into the vortex of a mans emotions (and there is all sorts of stuff in there). I could pick up on this guys insecurity and something else that turned out to be ED that he was massively overcompensating for. 🙄

@LadyfromtheBelleEpoque

Btw, you sound as though you are thinking that you messed up your chance with something/someone extraordinary- isn’t it possible that this was your body showing you what it is capable of experiencing and with the right person you would feel the goo stuff but just not in such an overwhelming way?

I mean, that you and this man might have had some great connection but not the best connection for you and instead there is someone out there who you could feel this way about without the negative bits?

I think you are right on all counts... I have tried to think in similar ways, but it’s still been hard to let go... once in a while, I look at his photograph and it starts it all off again... off into space again!

I feel a sad loss not to have been able to explore that.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Sounds like you met someone very, very hot. It happens.

Only thing unusual about this is that you’re still obsessing over it!

Yes, exactly my tastes and well beyond even what I could imagine.

It’s very unusual. I wish I could get rid of the attachment to the memories to be honest. Causes a churning within me.

Let go, OP - you know now what you are missing!!!!!!!!!!

And isn’t it interesting that someone who said they experienced similar did discover that the guy wasn’t perfect which has reminded me of the guy I knew and his problems? Something was stopping you before you got in too deep. You can be really excited about future dates now. You weren’t expecting that before but you will meet someone who you can have that chemistry with!

@LadyfromtheBelleEpoque

🤣🤣🤣

You know I can think of someone I felt some pretty powerful feelings for but I couldn’t quite go for it for some reason. Years later (when he contacted me but failed to mention his pregnant partner) I realised that there w are so many red flags with this guy and as extraordinarily powerful those feelings were and as hot as I found him, I couldn’t shake the gut feeling I had about him which I listened to.

I suppose attraction doesn’t care if they’re a decent person or not!

Well done for listening to your intuition.

I have had something similar before, with someone I dated for a couple of months. I think he felt the same about me (though I’m not certain) and it was almost like the attraction and connection was too much. He pushed me away and I acted crazy, not myself at all. It was bizarre. Like the strongest connection I’ve ever felt to anyone but yet I struggled to ever relax and be myself around him as I was so self conscious. I still think of him over 10 years later and those feelings have never died. But on paper he wasn’t right for me. I just can’t ever seem to shake the memory of the intense feelings though.

I don’t know. Logically it doesn’t make much sense but it’s an overwhelming feeling and both amazing and awful at the same time!

Sounds like instant sexual attraction. I always found that it blinded me to some very obvious red flags. Prob because I was masively shy & didn't do normal teen dating where you learn that stuff. The best relationships ive had, there wasn't that overwhelming lightning bolt, but an immediate rapport that then grew into more.

You are feeling sad, I think, because on some level you feel you have missed the chance of feeling like that because you associate it only with him (prob because it was the first time you felt it so strongly or allowed yourself to feel it - you weren’t expecting him to be so handsome, right? ) but that’s not true - it was your body that felt it. You will meet someone like that again! Of course you will. Not straight away, not everyone but get out there and stop wasting time. This is a phantom- don’t feed it real energy.

@ZenNudist

I do know what you mean but you have to remember you fell not for him but your idea of him. If he'd hung around then your feelings would have shrunk back to normal.

I’m certain of this! Don’t they say everyone, no matter how amazing, has someone who’s tired of their shit.

@RozHuntleysStump

I’ve had that once. Like literally weak at the knees. He was extremely attractive. He had a micropenis the poor sod. And he was a bit of a twat. I remember the feelings though. It was difficult being around him.

Whoa! What an anticlimax that must have been, so to speak. Did the feeling wear off quickly?

This person was a trombone player, I can only imagine the skills in certain departments.

@LadyfromtheBelleEpoque

You are also picking up on their feelings, too. I think that’s why they can seem overwhelming and chaotic - you’ve tapped into the vortex of a mans emotions (and there is all sorts of stuff in there). I could pick up on this guys insecurity and something else that turned out to be ED that he was massively overcompensating for. 🙄

That’s really fascinatingly... really going to chew on that some more... What sort of emotions would cause such a thing in me, apart from insecurity? Although nothing I saw indicated that but had said a couple of things such as growing up treated as an unattractive teenager and bullying. This surprised me, I don’t think I processed it at the time in order to respond appropriately. Too much whooshing in my ears, and elephants dancing in my belly to think adequately. Haha

Yep I married him.

@LadyfromtheBelleEpoque

Let go, OP - you know now what you are missing!!!!!!!!!!

And isn’t it interesting that someone who said they experienced similar did discover that the guy wasn’t perfect which has reminded me of the guy I knew and his problems? Something was stopping you before you got in too deep. You can be really excited about future dates now. You weren’t expecting that before but you will meet someone who you can have that chemistry with!

Yes, an unexpected massive surprise, like a shock to the system really. It was a week between the first date and the second, and I don’t think my feet touched the ground in that time. It was as though everything was enhanced and I was lost and couldn’t stop marvelling. Very disconcerting to feel a bit like a runaway train without breaks and an unknown destination. I was powerless to manage the sensations.

It’s been months since I’d allowed myself to look at that photograph, I did so earlier tonight and have thought of little else since. So near and yet so far.

I had this with a bloke I met at university. Absolutely blindsided, I turned into a gibbering idiot, etc. etc. I remember I met him for all of about five minutes then had to leave, so went home and - and this was the very early days of facebook - frantically stalked him and was gutted he had a girlfriend. And still I went on to the party where I knew he'd be later that night.

I wouldn't say I couldn't get him out of my head but I had a sort of Platonic ideal of him in my mind for ages. Many years later I was single again and moved back to the area, and his profile popped up on a dating website I was on. You know when you feel a real physical shock in your body? I felt like that. I saw almost immediately he wasn't looking for a relationship but for casual sex as he was in an open relationship (I trust you can see where this is going), and I still got in touch, cherishing my romantic dreams of a meeting where I'd sweep him off his feet and he'd realise we were perfect.

Well.

What actually happened was we had a date, where (in retrospect) I did that very polite woman thing of listening to him talk a lot. We had some perfectly ok but not amazing sex. And he is the last man I ever slept with; I met my DP fairly soon after and realised that the underwhelming sex had a not-so-casual relationship to having sex with people with penises.

I'm sure you're not about to have a Damascus conversion to later-life lesbiansim, but I really do think my experience of getting the 'one that got away' is quite representative. You think they're amazing; you build them up, but actually, if you did get to meet/ sleep with them again, you'd be disappointed and probably amused by how much you'd built up the idea in your head.

Ok, now I am remembering more. When I met this man I did think he was handsome. He was tall, dark haired, strong angular face but also had similar tastes in music/film/books as me - or so I thought. A couple of things seemed misaligned to me and I was right - he was the kind of guy who would talk loudly about feminism but then behave in a way that made me think he was actually quite patronising to women. He also projected a lot out - to cover up insecurity? I don’t know but I picked up on these things and felt very self conscious around him - as though he had somehow managed to project his feelings of self consciousness out on to me to carry. For example, I have a small nose - he has a very strong, Roman nose but it sat well in his long face. I have never been conscious of my nose before but he pointed out how small it was.

He was also, I later found out, taking drugs and I do think that some of the high I felt around him was coming from his artificially high feelings.

It is powerful though - I do get you but this guy was red flags everywhere - I realised that I didn’t actually like his personality - on some level I could sense he was fake and ungrounded. His insecurities came from his own laziness and I got a flash in my head of what life would be like with him and ran.

Your instinct was telling you something and perhaps the only way it could get you to listen and drown out that powerful sexual chemistry was to sabotage your chances.

@NC866

I have had something similar before, with someone I dated for a couple of months. I think he felt the same about me (though I’m not certain) and it was almost like the attraction and connection was too much. He pushed me away and I acted crazy, not myself at all. It was bizarre. Like the strongest connection I’ve ever felt to anyone but yet I struggled to ever relax and be myself around him as I was so self conscious. I still think of him over 10 years later and those feelings have never died. But on paper he wasn’t right for me. I just can’t ever seem to shake the memory of the intense feelings though.

I don’t know. Logically it doesn’t make much sense but it’s an overwhelming feeling and both amazing and awful at the same time!

You have just described, quite perfectly, what I have been trying to explain! I feel your pain sister!