Limerence for a former date

[GreatExpectationalized]

I met up with someone from an online dating website a few years ago, when this person appeared at the station where we had agreed to meet up, it was as though I was dumbstruck. Almost a ringing in my ears, feeling as though my limbs had become part jelly, and a wild inexplicable parade sensations coursing through my veins - a feeling of euphoria. Strangely though, coupled with tremendous self-consciousness.

I'm not normally like that on a first date, far from it. For some reason, I couldn't stop myself saying how attractive this person was (the photos had given no indication of this, they were quite “normal”. Embarrassingly, I remember saying it more than a few times. Cringe.

Despite all this, we agreed to meet up for a second date... the impact on me only worsened, except this time I had to endure those crippling sensations for several hours. I remember sitting almost hunched over, talking barely above a whisper... it was as though every once of self confidence had been sapped out of me.

Obviously, my date didn’t agree to meet me again. Several years later, this person still overwhelms me just to think about. It is as though all of your wishes and fantasies became personified in one person and you almost cannot believe it and are too dazed and over-awed and overwhelmed to function properly.

I still wonder what would have happened if this person had met the real me, if I’d been able to control my reaction better. Lots of what ifs... these memories still have a powerful impact and sadden me and have me lost in beautiful memories in turns.

How do I shake off this mad nonsensical limerence? I never even got to know this person! Has this happened to you? What causes it? How did you deal with it?

I had this once aged 16. It was a one off and we talked for a few minutes and had a snog and never saw each other again. I was OBSESSED for a long time and thought about him for several years. I could not tell you how I went about trying to find him to see if what I felt was real as it’s utterly embarrassing - it wasn’t a negative experience but I know exactly the effect you mean. Insane. I also would say the gift of fear is a great read in this vein. I can’t remember how long it took me to not think about it again but a little of years!

Also I’ve never even heard the word limerance before - so interesting!

Oh it’s made me remember another one too. Got on well, talked loads, were friends but then we kissed. Mad attraction. I couldn’t work it out at all. Then he went off with one of my best mates a few weeks later. Then did the same to her - perhaps it is s warning sign sometimes.

Just had a little watch of The gift of fear on YouTube. Fascinating, and scary. That’s enough to cure anybody! Ha

Hasn’t this thread taken a funny turn!

Yeah, and I kind of feel responsible...

Those feelings don't have to be related to something negative - I just think that there is something you haven't figured out in your own head that is relevant to the situation and that is the cause of the anxiety when you feel it so strongly. And if it is so intense that it creates that effect in you then it is worth being aware of things and slowing down so that you stay in control.

But thats just my view - those with more experience in relationships might have better advice.

I meant 'you' as in anyone who experiences this - not you personally @GreatExpectationalized

It was almost a relief when there was no third date, as the levels of unsettlement were unbearable.
I think this person noticed quite clearly what was going on with me and was quick to suggest our third outing be as friends only.
I knew I couldn’t withstand dealing with something like that, and so I declined to meet at all. That was enough rejection and I wasn’t willing to sign up for more! A part of me still wishes I’d gone. Another part of me is still embarrassed about my reaction and wants to remove myself from it, or at least come to terms with it in some way. I don’t want this to spoil my future dating life.

I had something similar when I met someone at uni. He was a couple of years older, and I was awestruck and totally besotted instantly. Besotted is literally the only word. But. He was truly awful and toyed with me for literally years, cheating on me relentlessly (and in some cases, in front of me). I put up with it all for way too long as I adored him. Moth to a flame. Oddly I was never really myself around him, and didn't feel I could be. Always self conscious and always aware.
Honestly I read your description and thought 'lucky escape' - because to not be able to be yourself is awful, and to be 'star struck' leaves you terribly vulnerable if tht other person is a dick.

What a nightmare situation, Noranorav. Not surprising you’re no longer a fan of this condition. I'm assuming you haven’t been able to trust that if it were to come round again. I do hope you’ve now healed from that ordeal and met someone who values your affection.

@GreatExpectationalized

I think this person noticed quite clearly what was going on with me and was quick to suggest our third outing be as friends only.

I wonder was he trying to meet you in a situation where you would feel more comfortable?

I knew I couldn’t withstand dealing with something like that, and so I declined to meet at all. That was enough rejection and I wasn’t willing to sign up for more! A part of me still wishes I’d gone.

!

Another part of me is still embarrassed about my reaction and wants to remove myself from it, or at least come to terms with it in some way. I don’t want this to spoil my future dating life.

Are you thinking that he saw all that you were feeling and you are humiliated? I bet he didn't - he would have been fairly wrapped up in his own stuff and as far as he knew, you turned down a third date and were fairly quiet on the previous two. He may have a different version of the events in his head.

Humiliated is exactly the right word, LadyfromtheBelleEpoque.

I hadn’t't thought of it that way, I felt the friends spiel was a polite rejection. Although confusingly, suggested coming to may home for dinner to eat a particular speciality dish of mine on the next occasion. I think I had the sense in the back of my mind that I wouldn’t enjoy being a convenient meal and a bed for the night with no strings. I wanted a proper courtship! Because that’s the crazy limerence state I was on and this didn’t fit in with that!
I may have been too hasty, but I wasn’t in my right mind and am probably still not. It’s perfectly sensible to stay friends with someone for a while before proceeding any further. To me though, all I was hearing was that this person was basically telling me there was attraction reciprocated. The crash down to earth was immense and painful.

Really helping me to continue to sort through this LadyfromtheBelleEpoque, I'm appreciating this so much, thank you. What a relief to find ladies who get this. Although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone when it’s like this.

Meant to say NO real attraction reciprocated.

It’s perfectly sensible to stay friends with someone for a while before proceeding any further.

Absolutely but here is the thing. I'm betting you didn't want a courtship at that time and would have seduced him/let yourself be seduced if you were back at your place? On some level, I think you may be could sense that your body language would have been sending out quite explicit messages???? and being in your own place it would have been difficult to ....restrain yourself?

May be I am projecting my own fears/ thoughts here!

I wonder whether you couldn't sync your emotions (about relationships and how you want to behave) with your overwhelming physical attraction to him and that caused you to hesitate? I'm the same

Time

I had this a few years ago. As soon as I saw his photo that was it I decided I had to met him. It was purely attraction he liked me but not as much as I liked him. We did have sex a few times (which was very good) and we had a lot of contact but I accepted a lot less from him because I was so attracted and lived out our relationship (it wasn’t a relationship) in my head

But there was no tears I just kept telling myself my fantasy is actually better than the reality. It made me feel alive again after so many years of not feeling anything. So I enjoyed it and finally got a bit bored of my fantasy

We still occasionally message just to say hello but we won’t see each other again and that’s just fine I glad I got to feel that way again as it’s a great feeling (hopefully next time it will be mutual)

You’re not projecting at all Lady, in fact you’re reading me like a book.
I would have happily invited this person home for a coffee/nightcap, because we were literally around the corner from my place... but annoyingly, my home was a building site at the time! So that was impossible. If that had happened, quiet time to talk not in public, who knows, some of my questions may have been answered and I may have been able to let go more easily now, or been fine with it fizzling out or whatever transpired. It wasn’t meant to be... maybe I’m supposed to learn a lesson in this.

It just seems nothing was destined to happen and the stars were all wrong or something. Argh!

It was the warm up act for the real thing.Nothing lost, no need to panic.

I may as well embarrass myself now I've come this far but before Christmas posted on here about dating someone famous and rich. I got some blunt truths about my own self esteem (very low) and how (despite this man's circumstances) he was just a bloke. Very true and i think I could sense that if i got involved I would have let myself get dazzled? or frazzled! hard to say!

I walked away anyway and am frantically teen girl crushing on someone else to take my mind off of him and avoid looking him up.

How embarrassing. I am very sensible and serious in real life.

Not embarrassing at all! Quite a feather in your cap and an interesting story to tell over drinks I would imagine! Would love to read your thread if you have a link, Lady. Might do me some good, too.

No! I got it deleted due to privacy concerns (and sheer embarrassment!). I had worked with someone who I was getting close to and asked me out, that's all. He is from a very different background to me and is successful in his field (I'm not, particularly) and I was apprehensive about it all. The other posters rightly identified my low self esteem (with men) and I decided I would work on that. But I do occasionally think of him. And am trying to transfer the feelings of desire to someone else. It's not working though!

Yes, twice in very quick succession. A total emotional wipeout!!

Dated the first for a couple of months and he ended it. One long date then ghosted by the second, then a weekend together after a random encounter.

Total 'kaboom!' with the first and slowly reaching a deeply connected feeling with the second over the course of the long date. Not really about showstopping looks with either of them although they were my type.

I had just had an unpleasant end to a long relationship (a nasty falling out in which I was equally to blame) and was emotionally very raw.

I think I liked both of them so much that I became boring. I don't clam up when I like someone, instead I fall back on the chat and bonhomie, good 'people skills', I rely on at work receptions etc. So I tried a bit too hard to be relatable, interesting, interested in them and amusing. Similarly to the OP, not the real 'me'.

I was devastated when the first dumped me. In hindsight I can see a couple of red flags. That one I am totally over.

The second, I have a physical reaction when I see his WhatsApp profile pic. Can't bring myself to delete him. I still imagine how we could have been together. He really was everything I wanted.

But, the second time I saw him, over a year later, he gave me a load of flannel about how much he had wanted me but had all sorts of problems going on, was so glad we had seen each other, wanted to make it up to me etc. etc. even that he loved me (several drinks in). I lapped up every word and went home with him, not wanting to lose momentum.

He ended up keeping up the chat but eventually forcing himself on me sexually when we went to bed. He didn't hurt me and he did stop after a couple of minutes but he didn't take no for an answer when he should have. I was gutted, more disappointed that my 'perfect' man had done that and yes, disappeared again.

The worst is that I can't get over that initial connection, i still find myself fantasising that things were different and I was with the man I met that first night. It makes me worry exactly what I would tolerate if I meet someone else I want that much. Obviously he isn't that perfect guy. I just wish I hadn't met him. All that angst for the sake of a couple of meetings! Trust is a problem for me now.

@Bluedelphinium

I'm sorry to hear that, Blue and that you posted this ages ago and didn't get a quicker response. Have you found a way to make sense of it all?

Only thing unusual about this is that you’re still obsessing over it!

Probably not as unusual as you may think .....

@Bluedelphinium, so very sad about the loss of trust, I’m so sorry. Hugs.
Have you had any support with this? And therapies?

@NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace, must be an interesting story behind this!

It's not that interesting but it may actually be cathartic for me to write it down.

It was a guy whom I met on a seminar five years ago – he was from out of town – and, to cut a long story short, I ended up spending the night with him in his hotel.

The event was a bit unusual in that I was the only woman there and it was obvious to all in the bar afterwards that I was struggling to fit into any of the conversation. He and I ended up chatting and we got on well, although I do think that he was being kind and would probably rather have been 'chatting with the lads'. He definitely didn't fancy me. I'm really not the kind of woman that catches a guy's eye. And he was drop dead gorgeous and probably still is.

We kept in touch until around a year ago when, for reasons completely unknown, he just stopped answering my messages. I checked in every couple of months or so ....well, it's been a tough year for everyone but ...... nothing

We were never romantically involved, although it was a bloody great night. I wasn't young enough, pretty enough, rich enough or Jewish enough to be anything to him, added to which I'm a commitment phobe of the highest order and never wanted anything serious anyway.

But .... he was absolutely great to message now and then. He was someone who understood my occasionally offbeat lifestyle. I could tell him anything and I did. And he told me some stuff too

Five years. One evening. And sometimes, just sometimes, I still miss him. Sad thing is that we have no mutual friends/connections so I really don't know what happened to him, if indeed anything did. One day he just ..... disappeared

Thank you .... for giving me the opportunity to get that down. I have a little tear now but it's just an occasional melancholy feeling. And that's fine: he's not someone that I want to forget.

Perhaps he's married with children, sometimes people drop friends who used to be former lovers because of this. If you were having such great chats and confiding in each other, something would have had to come along to grind it to a halt. I know it’s painful to be left wondering, maybe it’s a different sort of comfort to smile about and remember that great night you had. Some people don’t get a chance to be with those they want above all others.