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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you would buy something for your other half even if YOU didn’t see the value?

100 replies

Strawberryfelineforever · 03/02/2021 15:37

So Valentine’s Day is coming up and future DH and I have bought each other gifts. We were also planning to have a lovely takeaway evening as we haven’t spent much time together in weeks, which I would pay for. I asked if he could pick up a bottle of my favourite champagne to go with our food. I would like to be surprised but I know if I don’t ask he wouldn’t have thought of it. When he discovered the price he said no as it’s expensive and he won’t drink much of it. It’s about 40 pounds. If he doesn’t think it’s reasonable then I am happy to buy it myself but my question is, would you buy something like that for your other half because you knew it was their favourite even if you didn’t personally see the point/ thought it was too extravagant?

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 04/02/2021 07:15

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly how do you get him being stingy from the other posts? I don't read that at all..... he won't have electric blanket on to keep a naked person warm. He suggested pjs. And the other post about expenses was based on a chat....not a directive.

£40 on a bottle of champagne is fine if you have loads of money. But it is very very extravagant for a night at home. I love fine wines and drinking champagne....but I wouldn't spend that on a bottle just for me for one night. Why not do some research on good value champagne - co-op often wins awards for their champagne. In blind taste teste Aldi do well. There are also dome great cavas around if you are prepared to pay around £15 a bottle.....

letsnotscaretheneighbours · 04/02/2021 07:43

DH likes videogames. I on the contrary have never played them (DF was against consoles) so I think the price of consoles and games is completely and utterly absurd and ridiculous. He had PS 3, 4 and wants 5 confused

Same as me. My husband got a ps5 for Christmas. I hate consoles (ex husband prioritised them and weed over our baby at the time) but husband plays to relax so I treated him with a bonus I got.

Re: champagne my husband would buy me it in a heart beat but he'd not drink any. Plus I couldn't really justify £40 on drink if I'm honest.

HeidiHaughton · 04/02/2021 07:51

Dh wouldn't give it a second thought if he knew I liked it. We can afford it though. If we were skint it wouldn't even be an issue.
I think it's a bit mean tbqh. Does he think in terms of cost/benefit for everything?

Peanutbutterblood · 04/02/2021 07:58

Yes and no. In your example I think you are unreasonable, I think £40 is too much to spend on valentines day and I'd never ask my dh to buy something that expensive for valentines day. Hes already got you a gift so an extra £40 on a drink is a lot, particularly as champagne doesn't keep, it's not like I duno a good whiskey you can enjoy over weeks

But..that said generally I'd agree with you that you buy what someone wants whether or not it has anything to do with the gift giver. My dh can be a bit of a dick like this on occasion, he'll buy a gift for him for me, we're getting into the habit of just buying for ourselves

Spidey66 · 04/02/2021 08:00

@GreenSlide

Not for Valentine's Day, which is a load of shite. Maybe for his birthday.

This.

EachBleachBlairTrump · 04/02/2021 08:07

Would that be your gift or would you expect a gift as well?
What are your incomes like , can you afford £70 on wine and takeaway plus presents, for a day that doesn't really mean anything significant to you (wedding anniversary, birthday etc a bit different but still only if you can afford it). You say he earns not but has higher outgoings so it doesn't always mean he has more disposable income

TimetohittheroadJack · 04/02/2021 08:34

In normal times, at meal out for 2 with a bottle of wine would cost to at least £70, so actually, even with the expensive champagne, it's a bit of a bargain.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2021 09:24

@LadyFlumpalot

Of course I would. DH likes whiskey and craft ale. I don't drink at all but I still buy him whiskey and craft ale. I spent near on £150 buying him a whiskey advent calendar. Isn't that the point of gifts?

But you can't just demand gifts.

I know you've brought me a V Day present but Now I want this too.

If op had asked for a necklace or similar on top of the present would that be reasonable, because if he loves her he'll buy whatever she asks for? What if the wine was £100 or the necklace £500?

HighSpecWhistle · 04/02/2021 09:28

It's it a gift or part of the meal?

If it's a gift then YANBU, I assume you're getting him an equivalent on top of what you've already got him.

If it's part of the meal then YABU, surely you should get what you BOTH like for that money? I would resent £40 on a drink only DH likes

LadyFlumpalot · 04/02/2021 11:15

@SleepingStandingUp

Ahh, I misread the OP. I thought the champagne WAS the present.

OfTheNight · 04/02/2021 11:21

Me and DP would (and have) buy the champagne, though for DP it’s rum (boak).

ExH would not, he would have questioned why he should buy something so extravagant for me, and then would launch in to a tirade about how crap and worthless I was. He only did valentines once in 14 years anyway!

Sarahandduck18 · 04/02/2021 11:24

I can see problems ahead if he won’t pay for something he gets no direct benefit from.

10 years down the road does that apply to your shoes, work clothes, make up, hairdressing?

I certainly wouldnt become a Sahm in this situation. He obviously won’t share ‘his’ money if you are not working to earn it yourself.

Be very careful.

RandomLondoner · 04/02/2021 11:33

I won't buy DD Robux (Roblox in-game currency) because I think it's an utterly stupid way to spend money. It's nothing to do with affordability, if I won £100 million in Euro millions I still wouldn't.

I rarely drink alcohol, and I think the most I've ever spent on a fizzy drink is £3, and that was a coke in a restaurant. For me £40 on a drink is approximately 10 times too much, I would never spend this kind of money. It has nothing to do with affordability, it's due to the habit of decades of frugality that are partly responsible for cost being a non-issue. (This may be hard for some people to understand, but it's not unusual for millionaires to refuse to buy "overpriced" coffee shop coffee.)

haba · 04/02/2021 12:01

I think the whole point of presents is it's something the person wants, whether or not I think it's a ridiculous waste of money.

When we've had less money, presents cost less, obviously, but they're still things the other person would really love (like cocopops, which normally I would never buy!)

Porcupineintherough · 04/02/2021 15:03

@haba yes but this is part of a meal for 2. Would it be ok for the dh to ask that the OP provides food that she's not really keen on and will only eat a bit of?

MyAnacondaMight · 04/02/2021 15:26

Feels a bit tight, but I guess it’s no different to him messaging and asking you to pick up a £40 keg of beer (which you perhaps won’t drink and would be partly wasted). Sounds like it’s already your turn to buy the takeaway, so that’s not particularly relevant.

Nonetheless, if he also objects to 11p/hour on an electric blanket, then YABU to ever expect that he will be the sort of person to buy you frivolous, expensive presents. Time to work out if such a relationship can bring you joy in the long term (it wouldn’t for me).

haba · 04/02/2021 15:39

[quote Porcupineintherough]**@haba* yes but this is part of a meal for 2. Would it be ok for the dh to ask that the OP* provides food that she's not really keen on and will only eat a bit of?[/quote]
Well, yes, I think it is actually. I cook prawns for DD and DH for a special occasion, but I would never let one pass my lips. I wouldn't touch cocopops either.
DS won't touch cauliflower cheese- should everyone else miss out?

If we were to get a takeaway, I think it's a given that everyone would choose what they like, regardless of what others want.
DH likes malt whisky, no-one else drinks it, but we don't begrudge him some.
I like champagne. No-one else drinks that, I still buy a bottle for my birthday, and sometimes for New Year.
Am I missing your point, sorry if so?

ErickBroch · 04/02/2021 15:40

The amount of money I have spent on expensive board games I knew he would play once and never again!! Of course YANBU.

BackforGood · 04/02/2021 19:27

For me £40 on a drink is approximately 10 times too much, I would never spend this kind of money. It has nothing to do with affordability, it's due to the habit of decades of frugality that are partly responsible for cost being a non-issue. (This may be hard for some people to understand, but it's not unusual for millionaires to refuse to buy "overpriced" coffee shop coffee.)

This ^ is me.
I am what I would consider to be 'comfortable' now. I got here by being sensible with money. The fact I have the money in the bank now doesn't mean I'd spend £3.50 on a cup of coffee, when I can't justify that to myself. To me, it is wasteful.
I'd think the same about buying something that will go 'off' if you don't eat / drink it within an hour or two of opening it, when you are clearly only going to manage 1/3 (or 1/2 or whatever fraction it is) of the contents

I think the whole point of presents is it's something the person wants, whether or not I think it's a ridiculous waste of money.

I agree with that, when you have a budget for what you are going to spend, at Christmas or Birthdays or whatever, and the person asks for something I wouldn't waste money on, I'm quite happy to buy things for other people that they want. However, the difference here is this isn't the OP's present, this is 'household spending'. Then, that is about what your budget is like and your attitude to waste is like.

MyKingdomForACaramel · 04/02/2021 19:35

God tbis sounds miserable. I sort of get the champagne thing if he doesn’t drink it and you won’t finish it - but did he suggest something else instead? I don’t like champagne but would say “how about a decent bottle of red” or whatever. If it’s just “no I’ll get some lemonade I’d be oussed off.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/02/2021 19:38

Of course I would! And £40 a bottle is decent price for champagne.

79andnotout · 04/02/2021 19:43

I would buy it but I'd ask him if he'd not rather a bottle of whisky that would last a bit longer than one night instead?

Triffiddealer · 04/02/2021 20:07

These threads are always such an eye-opener.

Of course my partner would buy me a nice bottle of champagne on Valentine’s Day (except that I don’t do Valentines as it’s cringey bollox - but each to their own) or my birthday or an anniversary. He would do it because it would make me happy (and wouldn’t need to be asked as I love champagne - I buy him gin).

Does he go out of his way to make you happy in other ways OP - e.g.nice compliments, being generally helpful/supportive? Because he sounds light a tightwad and that would be a massive turn off for me.

Wanderlust20 · 04/02/2021 20:10

For a gift yes, but it sounds like the champagne wasn't the gift and you already got each other gifts, is that right? Personally I love fizz but can see where he's coming from if it was to share together with your meal.

foxhat · 04/02/2021 20:11

I don't know why so many people are talking about presents when this is not one. The OP's OH has bought her a present. In addition to that she is asking him to buy her a bottle of champagne. If we compare this to presents then it's more like unwrapping something nice, saying thank you for it and then saying that you still want the other person to go and spend another £40 on you which you will not be reciprocating with the rationale being that you like it and therefore want it.

OP maybe it's time to join your money and then you can make joint decisions about whether you have enough cash, and it's enough of a priority for you, to blow £40 on wine knowing that a percentage of it will be thrown away. Makes the whole 'whose turn is it' easier too. You can join some money and not all of it if that makes things feel more manageable as the next step.

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