Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think you would buy something for your other half even if YOU didn’t see the value?

100 replies

Strawberryfelineforever · 03/02/2021 15:37

So Valentine’s Day is coming up and future DH and I have bought each other gifts. We were also planning to have a lovely takeaway evening as we haven’t spent much time together in weeks, which I would pay for. I asked if he could pick up a bottle of my favourite champagne to go with our food. I would like to be surprised but I know if I don’t ask he wouldn’t have thought of it. When he discovered the price he said no as it’s expensive and he won’t drink much of it. It’s about 40 pounds. If he doesn’t think it’s reasonable then I am happy to buy it myself but my question is, would you buy something like that for your other half because you knew it was their favourite even if you didn’t personally see the point/ thought it was too extravagant?

OP posts:

Original poster

Strawberryfelineforever · 03/02/2021 16:18

The food is about £30. I am paying because he paid last time and we have not joined finances yet. To answer the question about incomes, he earns twice as much but has more expenses than me. He said he’s not W champagne person so I suppose I shouldn’t expect him to get it. I suppose I will just get it and he can get the food.

OP posts:

Martinisarebetterdirty · 03/02/2021 16:19

My DP would have bought this without me asking (although he would do it last minute not two weeks in advance ). He knows I love champagne and wouldn’t think twice about it, even if he decided not to share in it. We’re fortunate enough to be able to afford it though without having to budget for it, which does make a difference. If we had to budget for it, I would tell him not to before he had chance to buy it.

FrancesHaHa · 03/02/2021 16:20

Depends. If it's a present then yes, although it sounds as though you've already bought presents. If it's something to share then I'd rather get something we both like. Presumably if he's not keen he'll also have to buy drinks he likes on top?
Sometimes it's nice to share the same drink?

I may be influenced by being someone who isn't fussed on Valentine's Day though.

Cocomarine · 03/02/2021 16:22

Hmmmmm. I looked at Search to try to answer my own question about your relative earnings. So I see that he earns double what you do.

Fair enough you paying for the takeaway though, things don’t have to be 50/50 - and it seems that he usually pays. So I have no issue with that.

But... seems he is someone who thinks he gets to decide what it’s worth spending money on. You think he’s generous because he gave you loads of money at Xmas and pays for more meals out. Yet when you simply wanted an electric blanket on in bed, because you were cold, he said no.

I’m all for add a layer by the way - but what we choose to wear in bed is about comfort, it’s not like slipping a jumper on in the afternoon.

So what you’ve got here is a man who you think is generous. Which leaves you a bit blind to quite shitty behaviour dictating what is and isn’t worth his money.

Honestly, you’d be wise to have a good think about this before moving in with him.

I’d rather a man who didn’t give me presents some of the time (cos he couldn’t afford it) than a wealthier man telling me what was and wasn’t worth the money 🤷🏻‍♀️

Added to that, you’re arranging your own champagne because you know he’ll disappoint you. See you back on AIBU in 10 years time when you’re ground down by his disappointments and opinions over how you should spend money?

I know some people will laugh at me and say it’s extreme... but you put the champagne and the electric blanket together, and that definitely adds up to someone with an attitude that he gets to make the spending decisions. Which wouldn’t suit me 🤷🏻‍♀️

foxhat · 03/02/2021 16:25

depends whether I've got enough cash to. I don't always have £40 and a takeaway for two would cost half of that.

Moirarose2021 · 03/02/2021 16:27

If you are buying the food, I would be very unimpressed that he refuses to get the champagne, very tight and would be very wary of ever having joint finances in the future ( if money was v tight, I wouldn't say this but this doesn't seem the case here)

Meredithgrey1 · 03/02/2021 16:28

I think it’s hard to say generally, you say he doesn’t really like champagne so I guess I can see his point. I assume the food you are buying is food you like, you wouldn’t want to get a takeaway you didn’t really want surely? So why would he get the drinks he doesn’t want?

luxxlisbon · 03/02/2021 16:33

In theory obviously yes people spend money on things they don't personally value but the other person does all the time, otherwise gifts wouldn't exist.

But I can sort of see his perspective in a way, if you are supposed to be paying because it is your turn but then you ask him to get something on top which is more expensive than you are actually paying for the date itself then it could feel like to him it is always on him to pay. Particularly as you know you both did gifts.

Your partner treating you is one thing, but offering to do something and saying you will pay as your treat then asking him to bring a £40 bottle of champagne is a but presumptuous.

PussyCatInChristmasStockings · 03/02/2021 16:35

He's a bit mean.
I'd buy it and would be a bit pissed off if DH didn't get something for me because of the price (which isn't that much when you think of how much a dozen roses or dinner for 2 would cost).

Shinyletsbebadguys · 03/02/2021 16:38

I have very little respect for anyone who thinks because they don't share someone elses tastes then it invalidates then but I admit I grew up with parents like that so it created an absolute abhorrence for that sort of entitlement and arrogance.

If it was a question of it being more money than he could afford that's different. There are lots of things that I like that are definitely not in the budget so I would never expect DP to get them but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

Its unutterably arrogant to decide what is valid for another person to like. Of course if you can't afford it not a problem. My DM was much worse for this but has changed over the years but could be absolutely vile poking fun at others for what they spend their money on. As long as people don't expect you to fund it. (Clearly not the case here as it was one get the drinks and one get the food).

Having said that for a shared meal like this it would be frustrating as yes I think most people probably would choose to make their partner smile but It us a grey area. It's really the attitude and behaviour behind it. Whether this is something that is repeated or a one off.

Ultimately these sort of people are miserable to be around. They feel absolutely comfortable sneering or snarling about what is " acceptable " to like or dislike . DP has absolutely no concept of why anyone would ever like kale. However when he saw some reduced (as for us things are very tight) he came bounding home excited that he had found a treat for me (bless him....I mean I like it but what kind of sociopath considers kale a treat ) . He would never eat it in a million years (and is acerbic about vegans) but he knew it would make me happy.

Flipflopsaga · 03/02/2021 16:41

I really agree with cocomarine @ 16:08. Op your post makes me feel uncomfortable, unsettled and I find his response creepy. I don’t mean to be rude but I could not marry someone like this. The thought of having to bargain over every child cost if you decided to have children, makes me shudder ☹️

TheOrigRights · 03/02/2021 16:45

So you're buying the food and he's buying the drink.
These are not your gifts to each other.

If he's getting you a gift and then you're asking him to spend £40 on a drink he won't enjoy then I do think he has a point.

But rather than outright refuse, he could have suggested he get a small bottle of fizzy for you and then a bottle of wine you could both enjoy. Or since you know he doesn't like this champagne maybe you should have suggested something else?

It's tricky for us to say without knowing how you work as a couple.

As an isolated story it seems OK, but if it's a pattern then maybe it's something you need to talk about before you get married.

I have found that some men need to learn that just because THEY don't see the point in something, doesn't mean it's not important to someone else.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/02/2021 16:48

Or since you know he doesn't like this champagne maybe you should have suggested something else? This.
I'll buy food, you buy me expensive wine i won't need to share and is all mine
Oh I guess you'd better get yourself something to drink too.

Just take it out the food pot and he can buy himself a £40 bottle of spirit's as well!

1FootInTheRave · 03/02/2021 16:53

I would buy for dh, as he would for me.

But, we have a joint income anyway.

I wouldn't have asked for a 40 quid bottle when we were just dating. Think it's a bit cheeky really.

harriethoyle · 03/02/2021 16:53

@Flickoffboris if you've got a Lidl nearby their Cremant de Loire is fantastic!

BabyItsAWildWorld · 03/02/2021 16:54

All this negotiation over getting a take away in 2 weeks time, and who will pay for food, and who will pay for wine, and pre planned gifts for valentines hardly screams of romance to me.

All seems a bit forced.

An expensive bottle of champagne is usually a gift. He's already got you a gift.

And it makes sense to get wine you'd both like with the takeaway.

Feels to me a bit like:
You: We must make Valentine special.
lets get presents.
lets have a take away.
and lets have expensive champagne.

Him: Aren't presents and a takeaway enough? Can't we have some wine we both like?

SimonJT · 03/02/2021 16:55

Of course if it is within what the household can afford.

My partner likes wine, so I’ve bought him a pricey bottle he likes but wouldn’t usually treat himself to, I hate wine.

I’ve also bought him a top that I don’t really like, but I know he had been thinking about buying it.

fairynick · 03/02/2021 16:55

I personally wouldn’t spend £40 on my partner for Valentine’s Day. Are you getting him a present too? Maybe he would buy it you for a birthday or Christmas but isn’t willing to for Valentine’s Day.

Flickoffboris · 03/02/2021 17:00

@harriethoyle I love their cremant, unfortunately it's not always available there, but when it is I get 2 or 3 bottles, I have never tasted anything as delicious for £8. Ssh now, don't tell anyone else or we'll never get any

VinylDetective · 03/02/2021 17:01

Oh, you’re electric blanket girl! I didn’t realise that.

He’s telling you exactly who he is @Strawberryfelineforever, listen to him. Mine would buy me the champagne and he doesn’t even drink.

harriethoyle · 03/02/2021 17:08

@Flickoffboris True! I'll ask MN to delete my post because it's outing or something...!

Confusedcabbage · 03/02/2021 17:10

If he would spend £40 on you for a present he doesn't dictate what that present is if you ask for something specific. If he was only going to spend £20 it's fair for him to say no

Flickoffboris · 03/02/2021 17:13

@strawberryfelineforever you've started a load of posts about money in this relationship.
He's tight, if you acknowledge that and decide to marry him anyway then don't give up your job, don't become a SAHM, and don't ever become dependent on him. He clearly does not want to support you financially so don't think that will ever change. Go into this with your eyes open or leave.

Mudmudingloriousmud · 03/02/2021 17:18

Coco

Has it spot on

This is not about a bottle of champagne as she says its about what he decides is worth something and I agree that in 10 years and if you have dc this could make you vulnerable.

HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2021 17:18

I wouldn’t spend £40 on a bottle of champagne in addition to a gift. It would be the gift at that price.

Flip

1 2 3 4