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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you find this odd or offensive?

54 replies

Sunnydays999 · 03/02/2021 11:03

I’m a 16/18 curvy with it , suits me. Iv been this size most of my adult life and I am happy . Chatting to a friend who has lost a lot of weight , she keeps bringing up weight . She was complaining about her mil and felt the need to say it’s not that I dislike Fat people- I’m fine with you . Now she is a bit younger and wrapped up in what society thinks is perfect. How would you handle this ?. I’m fat . But why would she have to justify that she doesn’t dislike me ?
It seems very odd . Is she trying to be a twat ?

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 03/02/2021 11:05

Why is she judging other people ..... she is a first class twat

littlepattilou · 03/02/2021 11:06

Cheeky cow! I would be giving this 'friend' a wide berth! You're not even fat FFS! How patronising and nasty she sounds.

Eeeeeeeeeeeek · 03/02/2021 11:15

I dislike lots of people for many reasons but I've never disliked someone for the way they look
She sounds very immature

LadyCounterblast · 03/02/2021 11:16

It sounds like her own insecurities are leaking out. And yes, it does seem like she's started equating weight with worth. Not nice.

If the reason she lost weight was about crafting her self-image towards some imagined external validation, she might now feel more conflicted in your company because you are happy and confident in your body without feeling the need to change it. (She might well feel the same about her MIL, for the same reason.)

It's a strange thing to say and definitely a bit clunky. If you found it offensive I would get that, totally.

RealisticSketch · 03/02/2021 11:16

I think people tend to talk about what is really on their minds and those thoughts generally revolve around what is big news in their minds eye in their own life. We all do it to some extent. Clearly for her this recent weight loss is hugely occupying her thoughts just now. She might be insecure and have digested lots of social media pressure on perfection, she might have internalised prejudice against a larger figure which is affecting her self view, or she may have found this covid situation has made her focus on health. Whatever it is internally for her, it just sounds to me that her change is a big deal to her and you're a friend so she's going to talk to you about it.
However, in talking about it, she is conscious that everything that is driving her right now doesn't apply to you so she's trying to reassure, but there is no diplomatic way to do that without basically pointing out your figure... So she ends up trying herself in knots trying to tell you it's ok by her that you are fat, even while it wasn't ok by her, for her to be fat.
Tricky one to get right. I think she'd be better off steering clear of that topic but some people can't stop themselves when they've got something on their mind.
I don't think I'd be offended, what is going on is really a complex relationship with weight perceptions/importance that she is wrestling with not you, but she's on tricky territory and isn't handling it well.

Isadora2007 · 03/02/2021 11:17

“Friend- you’ve clearly fallen into the belief that what you are is who you are. I’m glad you’re happier now having lost weight but to me you were perhaps a nicer person who didn’t judge others by their body parts. Please try to be more considerate of what you’re saying, as you’re coming across a bit of a twat these days.”

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 03/02/2021 11:18

She often comes across badly . But I was shocked . She used to be a similar size and has tried to advise me how she did it before . I know she hated her body before so wonder if this is more to do with that

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 03/02/2021 11:18

Is she trying to be a twat ?
Might not be trying, it could just come naturally to her.

unmarkedbythat · 03/02/2021 11:19

People are weird about weight.

It depends on a lot really, but I'd either something along the lines of really not needing to hear any more about anyone's weight because it's frankly weird and boring to be so interested in it.

dudsville · 03/02/2021 11:20

That's judgemental, how's it supposed to make you feel? I can be a bit too harsh with my boundaries but unless she recognised her action and apologised I would no longer trust her as an intimate friend.

Fembot123 · 03/02/2021 11:21

@littlepattilou

Cheeky cow! I would be giving this 'friend' a wide berth! You're not even fat FFS! How patronising and nasty she sounds.
Yes she is, why lie. OP your friends a twat, fat people aren’t a different species so it’s extremely odd to say ‘I’m fine with fat people’ good, it’s none of her business.
billy1966 · 03/02/2021 11:21

Unbelievably rude and I wouldn't bother trying to be diplomatic about it.

Also I really wouldn't want someone so vacuous and dim in my circle.

Flowers
Cpl654321 · 03/02/2021 11:21

Wow jfc if she said that to me she would not be my friend anymore.

Barkbark · 03/02/2021 11:21

I had a friend who told me I was good looking even though I was overweight Hmm we’re not friends anymore Wink

24butfeeling80 · 03/02/2021 11:21

What the hell.

I stop reading at “it’s not that I dislike fat people- I’m fine with you” - for a start 16/18 I don’t consider ‘fat’ I’m a 10 - I have a fair few friends that range from 14-16-18 and I don’t consider any of them fat Confused you, and my friends know that not being skinny; doesn’t mean fat. The average size of a woman in the uk is a size 16.

So I’m terms of size; you’re average. Not even above average, let alone fat.

What an incredibly rude and horrible thing to say. She wouldn’t like it if you skinny shamed her in a negative way.

Original poster
Sunnydays999 · 03/02/2021 11:22

@LadyCounterblast this completely sits right . I do think she’s got worth and weight muddled . Not coming down hard on her as she has had eating disorders and I think this is all wrapped up in it .
But the fact she said I don’t hate far people . It just made me very uneasy - and it’s played on mind . I then saw another post on here which brought it up again .
It’s not a problem during these covid times but she is normally around my children - and I don’t want them getting into this thinking style

OP posts:
Daisysflowers · 03/02/2021 11:25

Friend??? I would be dropping her like a hot brick!

You need to consider what does she actually bring to your friendship, if there are no positives then end the friendship.

24butfeeling80 · 03/02/2021 11:28

I also think I’m the context shes said it to you; she’s trying to suss out of you felt as insecure as she did when she was a similar size.
You are happy in your own skin which is amazing and you should own it. She sounds as if she was not happy and she’s done something about it; I think when people become obnoxiously proud of weight loss they do like to try and push it on others so they can take the credit in making you feel how they felt when they lost it- I think she was testing the waters to see if you felt negatively about your own body; especially as she has tried to advise you on how she’s done it.

Also like a project; she’s finished hers and wants to move onto you ect (don’t let her get in your head, be happy, be healthy that’s all that matters)

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/02/2021 11:28

She obviously has some emotional issues surrounding weight and she’s still trying to convince herself of her own self worth, even though she’s lost the weight. She is being a knobber about it to you though. She’s projecting all her insecurities all over you whether she thinks she is or means to or not.

This is a difficult one because there’s almost no response you can give that won’t be twisted into her accusing you of having the issues. Emotional conflict is easiest dealt with by externalisation and projection, and she’ll want to preserve that easy option for as long as she can.

Can you just avoid her for a while? If she’s only a casual friend then just distance a bit, it’s not hard atm. If you really do value her as a friend however you need to try to grey rock I think. You can’t win so don’t try.

borntohula · 03/02/2021 11:32

Think it's not uncommon for previously overweight people to show contempt for still fat people. I don't know why though, projection, perhaps?

SaddamHussain · 03/02/2021 11:33

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Fembot123 · 03/02/2021 11:34

@borntohula

Think it's not uncommon for previously overweight people to show contempt for still fat people. I don't know why though, projection, perhaps?
Similar to a lot of ex smokers
Calmandmeasured1 · 03/02/2021 11:35

I could understand it if she'd referred to her MIL as being fat and then said what she did to you in justification. Otherwise, I can"t understand it. Maybe her every thought now is about weight and fat.

She sounds juvenile and unpleasant to think of people in terms of how much body fat they have. Too many people who lose weight or give up cigarettes seem to become self-righteous afterwards.

How did you respond to her?

Friend: "It’s not that I dislike Fat people- I’m fine with you"
Me: Just as well. I don't plan on losing weight so you'd have to like me or lump it.

borntohula · 03/02/2021 11:40

@Fembot123 good point, I can only imagine it stems from a sense of superiority. I actually think OP's 'friend' would be put out if OP managed to lose weight.

Calmandmeasured1 · 03/02/2021 11:41

@littlepattilou

Cheeky cow! I would be giving this 'friend' a wide berth! You're not even fat FFS
The OP has stated that she is:
"I’m fat . But why would she have to justify that she doesn’t dislike me ?"
I'n sure the OP knows whether she is fat or not. She knows she is and she is happy with how she is.