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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you find this odd or offensive?

54 replies

Sunnydays999 · 03/02/2021 11:03

I’m a 16/18 curvy with it , suits me. Iv been this size most of my adult life and I am happy . Chatting to a friend who has lost a lot of weight , she keeps bringing up weight . She was complaining about her mil and felt the need to say it’s not that I dislike Fat people- I’m fine with you . Now she is a bit younger and wrapped up in what society thinks is perfect. How would you handle this ?. I’m fat . But why would she have to justify that she doesn’t dislike me ?
It seems very odd . Is she trying to be a twat ?

OP posts:

Fembot123 · 03/02/2021 11:48

[quote borntohula]@Fembot123 good point, I can only imagine it stems from a sense of superiority. I actually think OP's 'friend' would be put out if OP managed to lose weight.[/quote]
I’d take that bet 😁

Fembot123 · 03/02/2021 11:49

@24butfeeling80

What the hell.

I stop reading at “it’s not that I dislike fat people- I’m fine with you” - for a start 16/18 I don’t consider ‘fat’ I’m a 10 - I have a fair few friends that range from 14-16-18 and I don’t consider any of them fat you, and my friends know that not being skinny; doesn’t mean fat. The average size of a woman in the uk is a size 16.

So I’m terms of size; you’re average. Not even above average, let alone fat.

What an incredibly rude and horrible thing to say. She wouldn’t like it if you skinny shamed her in a negative way.

How does size 16 being the average size mean it’s not overweight?

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/02/2021 11:50

A lot of people are over weight because they use food as a coping mechanism to cushion themselves from things about themselves or their lives that make them unhappy and that they find hard to think about. They convince themselves that if they could only shift 6 stone all would be good in the world. Unfortunately when they’ve lost all the weight they’re still left with all the issues that made them comfort eat in the first place, and because they’ve removed their coping mechanism, eating, they need a new one, because all those issues are still there and they’re still hard to confront.

Aha, here is a person that represents the thing that they hated about themselves, but wait, this over weight person doesn’t hate themselves. Here’s another reminder that the internal issues are all still there roiling away inside, but still they aren’t ready to confront them, so the other reaction is to be angry, because they’re an emotional mess even though they’ve lost weight and the other person isn’t, even though they’re still over weight.

OP this woman is in an emotion turmoil that you probably need to avoid for your own sake. She’s lashing out because it’s easier than dealing with her own issues, and that is never a healthy thing to be around.

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/02/2021 11:53

For PPs who think her behaviour comes from a sense of superiority. I put it to you, how many people who feel very happy and comfortable with themselves need to make others feel bad about themselves? People who pretend superiority, would they really need to impose their superiority if they really believed it was true?

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2021 11:53

Nasty. You should pull her up on it imo

pointyshoes · 03/02/2021 12:19

@24butfeeling80

What the hell.

So I’m terms of size; you’re average. Not even above average, let alone fat.

What an incredibly rude and horrible thing to say. She wouldn’t like it if you skinny shamed her in a negative way.

Just because the average size in the U.K. is 16, doesn’t mean it’s a healthy weight. According to the NHS, 60% of women in the U.K. are overweight or obese. So being”average” doesn’t necessarily mean not overweight

PussGirl · 03/02/2021 12:25

average size 16 means the average sized person is overweight

Amirite · 03/02/2021 12:30

Some people lose weight and apparently all their personality with it, they just become intolerable! I used to work with a woman who dropped a few dress sizes and started to police everyone’s food consumption. Just piss off! People can be happy in the skin their in you know! I’d tell her how she’s acting is making you doubt your friendship, it’s so unnecessary for her to be this way!

ReggieKrait · 03/02/2021 12:36

She’s not trying to sound like a twat, she is a twat!

Do yourself a massive favour and don’t spend any more time on her. Nobody needs “friends” like her.

username44416 · 03/02/2021 12:40

it’s not that I dislike Fat people- I’m fine with you

Is a dig at you OP. She's calling you fat which is rude. It's a snide thing to say and I would drop her because she's not a friend.

Elmo311 · 03/02/2021 12:56

It's about height and where you carry weight as well. I'm 5ft 2 and pear shape if I was a 16-18 it wouldn't suit me and I would be very overweight.

Everyone is different though of course.

She lacks tact clearly but probably didn't want to offend you but ended up doing that anyway! She should apologise really.

RealisticSketch · 03/02/2021 12:59

If she has struggled with eating disorders in the past as you say, it is not going to be a surprise that she can't relate to weight as a thing in an objective rational way. Everyone jumping on her calling her a twat when she's actually got a real problem around food/weight is being just as judgemental as they are slating her for being.
If she is in other respects a good friend and you want to keep her, have a chat and let her know that her own weight issues is leaking into her relationship with you and it is unwelcome because you are happy and t you don't want the children picking up on it. Tell her it is a topic which is best avoided as her tract in this area is lacking.

RealisticSketch · 03/02/2021 13:00

Tact.

Oneearringlost · 03/02/2021 13:11

@RealisticSketch

I think people tend to talk about what is really on their minds and those thoughts generally revolve around what is big news in their minds eye in their own life. We all do it to some extent. Clearly for her this recent weight loss is hugely occupying her thoughts just now. She might be insecure and have digested lots of social media pressure on perfection, she might have internalised prejudice against a larger figure which is affecting her self view, or she may have found this covid situation has made her focus on health. Whatever it is internally for her, it just sounds to me that her change is a big deal to her and you're a friend so she's going to talk to you about it. However, in talking about it, she is conscious that everything that is driving her right now doesn't apply to you so she's trying to reassure, but there is no diplomatic way to do that without basically pointing out your figure... So she ends up trying herself in knots trying to tell you it's ok by her that you are fat, even while it wasn't ok by her, for her to be fat. Tricky one to get right. I think she'd be better off steering clear of that topic but some people can't stop themselves when they've got something on their mind. I don't think I'd be offended, what is going on is really a complex relationship with weight perceptions/importance that she is wrestling with not you, but she's on tricky territory and isn't handling it well.

Well said.

Thelnebriati · 03/02/2021 13:24

Does she subtly undermine you (or other people) in other ways? I wonder if she needs to feel better than other people and does it by putting them down.

Snowdropsanddaffs · 03/02/2021 13:24

Your friend is a first class twat. She could become a size 0 but she'd still be a twat.

Fembot123 · 03/02/2021 14:21

@Elmo311

It's about height and where you carry weight as well. I'm 5ft 2 and pear shape if I was a 16-18 it wouldn't suit me and I would be very overweight.

Everyone is different though of course.

She lacks tact clearly but probably didn't want to offend you but ended up doing that anyway! She should apologise really.

But you’d be size 16-18 at a lighter weight, say being 13/4 stone put you in that size at your height (or lighter I’m not sure 😂) someone of 6ft would have to be heavier to be in that size.

24butfeeling80 · 03/02/2021 14:26

Fat is a term used to make overweight people feel ugly.

Yes, the average size in the uk is a size 16, which a size 16 is medically overweight - but that does not make her ugly, thus she is not fat.

Elmo311 · 03/02/2021 14:40

@Fembot123 I've actually been a size 16 before and I was about 11stone. But I was a 16 on the bottom half and probably a 12-14 on top, I was also really flabby.

Fembot123 · 03/02/2021 14:50

And if someone 6ft of 6ft was 11 srone they wouldn’t be a size 16-18

Fembot123 · 03/02/2021 14:51

I don’t equate fat with ugly at all.

CSIblonde · 03/02/2021 14:52

I think that shows she already dislikes her MIL & she does see being overweight as an additional undesirable thing about her ,so it 'leaked' in her comment. Then she felt bad because you are overweight, but she likes you. I think. She judges by appearance. So many people do. I think its odd how many people think it's ok to openly criticise someones looks. I find it petty & off putting.

Elmo311 · 03/02/2021 16:22

@Fembot123 as I said the first time I commented, everyone is different!

SnackSizeRaisin · 03/02/2021 16:30

Whatever her problems it's an unpleasant thing to say. I don't like any comments that group people according to their characteristics. E.g. "all black people do this" or "all poor people say that" etc. It implies a prejudiced mindset.
Someone's inner struggles with self worth or weight loss or whatever are not an excuse for being rude or bigoted.

Fembot123 · 03/02/2021 16:44

I know @Elmo311, I was just answering your comment about height, meaning it would only be relevant if you were the same weight not the same dress size.

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