Confused about my feelings

[whatsthepointinwasps]

So, this is about family, It might be a bit long and complicated. It would be great if you manage to stick with it and get through to the end.
I have three grown up children:
DD (married, working, 2 children, not living close by)
DS1 (in longterm relationship, working, expecting first child)
DS2 (single, not working, MH difficulties)
Me (single, work full time, oversee care for DM with Alzheimer’s)
I recently had a discussion with my daughter about going on holiday as an extended group. When I mentioned that it would be nice if DM could come but that would only be feasible if everyone helped looked after her, not just leave all the caring to me my DD said ‘You are her daughter and as such her carer, it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just the way it is. It’ll probably be the same for me with you and dad’.
I was taken aback by this and, truth be told, hurt.

So in the end I decided not to including my DM in the holiday plans, it’s not till next year anyway and she most likely will have declined too far.
We went abroad a couple of years ago, with DM, who was already struggling and I was left to manage it, to the point where I felt myself and DM were quite excluded.
I was hurt then by my DD’s and DS’s attitude, I don’t want to have the same experience again, especially as DM is now much worse, so that was also a reason not to include her.
Selfishly I want a holiday to be just that. Then again that is exactly what everyone else wants too. Perhaps I am being unfair to expect others to give a hand looking after mum, if it’s not a role I enjoy or a job I relish so why would I expect others to want to share it???
I am just confused as DD’s paternal grandfather had dementia and she was v hands on whenever they were together right up until the harrowing end.

So holiday is now booked but the conversation about ‘caring responsibilities’ really unsettled me.
I don’t expect any of my children to step in and take over, not at all. However I would like them to make more of an effort. After that conversation with DD I said that to ALL of them.
I also said I would not expect them to have to care for me when I need it, I have a plan for that already in place.
My two sons agreed they should do more in future but it’s difficult atm for a variety of reasons notwithstanding f**king COVID.
My daughter has not said a word.

I have, through out my entire life had a turbulent relationship with my own mother. I had a horrible childhood and adulthood didn’t really improve things. I care for her now as it’s the right thing to do but truthfully I feel pretty ambivalent towards her. It’s a terrible admission I know.

I don’t want that sort of relationship with my DD. Tension within the family really really bothers me but I find it difficult to have frank conversations with DD. I guess my biggest fear is that she feels the same lack of love towards me.
What to do?

@whatsthepointinwasps

Yes I agree, I can see now that, all things considered I was unreasonable to expect my children to care for DM on holiday. I agree also that my DD did do me a favour, as DM is quite draining so I need a break. I actually need to, and plan to, step back, far back and start making more time for my own family. Too much water passed under the old rotten bridge, it’s time to find a new way forward. Definitely!

So glad to hear that OP, don't waste time looking for approval from someone who doesn't deserve your time and has treated you so badly, we only get this one life, your children and grandchildren deserve your time and attention so much more

@wirldsgonemad

As decent human beings, the others should help out.

The OP said -

My childhood was ruled by fear and intimidation, she tried to smother me when I was two and put me in care twice.
She married a paedophile who raped and molested me. He never had to threaten me ‘not to tell’ because he knew I wouldn’t say a word as in my DM’s eyes if something was wrong it was my fault and I deserved what I got.
When I told her yers later she got counselling for her but not for me and only brought it up when she wanted me to speak up in court to say it was the reason she left the man. It wasn’t, she didn’t know at that time but she just wanted a quick divorce!

There is no should. She doesn't deserve OP looking after her let alone the rest of the family.

I had been thinking about this before your updates and YANBU. All of your feelings are VALID.

We are all allowed to feel let down and disappointed but other peoples decisions by that doesn't mean it's their fault that you feel that way. Everyone is entitled to say yes or no to whatever they want.

If you were my mum I would think you were mad for looking after her as you are and I would have wanted you to disown her a long time ago. But I understand why you are doing it. If my grandmother was so vile I wouldnt want to entertain the same airspace as her out of loyalty to my mum.

You aren't wrong and she isn't wrong, but a conversation might be a good idea to clear the air.

My only question to you for would be do you really feel after all your mother did and didn't do in the past that she will be grateful for all of your care now?!

My advice (though you haven't asked for it) would be don't waste another second on this person and as long as you and all your DC's add "tight" that's all that matters now. Much love and what a tremendously strong person you are x

I think you're being extremely UR to project all your feelings about the situation on your daughter, who arguably already has more responsibility than your sons with a home, husband, job and two children, and lives further away.

She is entitled to to live her own life, and as she says will no doubt have to pick up caring responsibilities for you in the future.

As for her being more hands on with her paternal grandfather...different needs and different personalities come into play.

I'm currently on sabbatical caring for elderly parents. My dad is on end of life care and his physical needs are immense and constant, my mum is struggling to cope physically but particularly emotionally and mentally.

My mum and I are like chalk and cheese while my dad and I are on a very similar wavelength. Frankly I would rather cut his toenails and wipe his bum all day long than have to deal with an hour of my mum's emotional meltdowns (which unfortunately is what I actually spend most of my time doing).

Perhaps your daughter was a bit blunt in the way she phrased it, but she's probably seeing what you're dealing with and terrified for how her future will pan out when you get old and need more support. Just because you're thinking logically and making plans does not mean you'll be in fit state to do so when the time comes.

Also, perhaps she'd like a holiday where she can see you relax and maybe enjoy some quality time with her and her kids and siblings without the responsibility you're shouldering day to day.

Having read your subsequent posts I think your daughter is probably desperately worried for your wellbeing.

Please step back, get yourself some counselling and get on with enjoying your life and your lively kids and grandkids . You deserve better.

If you had a horrible childhood at the hands of your mother then as long as she is cared for and well looked after and not abused then you don’t have to take her on holiday or include her In your life at all (bar caring duties). You deserve a holiday. You don’t need to feel guilty for that. Now if your mother had been wonderful to you growing up then yes I would say take her away but it wasn’t that way so make sure she’s well looked after and go and enjoy yourself!

@pumpkinbump

Massive projection.

You recognise a 13 year old should never have been in that position, yet because it happened unjustly to you anybody else who protects themselves from it is "disgusting" ?

No.

Couldn't quote sorry. The OPs daughter isn't a child. I don't feel I am projecting and I don't think caring responsibilities should be unjustly shouldered by anyone. The OP isn't asking for her daughter to be the sole carer in this situation, she is asking for a bit of help during her own caring responsibilities for her mother. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to ask for a bit of help from close family members if OP were to take her DM on holiday.

It’s not a holiday then is it tho so yes Op is being unreasonable. Expect anyone to take on carer responsibilities is unreasonable. It’s horrible enough if you choose to to it but refusing is perfectly valid. Your daughter essentially saying ‘it’s your job’ is equally unreasonable. I wouldn’t jump to the wild conclusion that your doesn’t love you but she is protecting herself. Being a carer can be so debilitating and destructive for the carer but seek professional assistance not family.

‘ oh well you’re the carer it falls to you’ can go fuck them selves in my honest opinion.

This 100%

YABU

Why should your adult children have to care for their gran on holiday. Is it even a good idea to take a lady with dementia on holiday? Surely that be distressing for her.

Come on now op...

Your also being unreasonable caring for this woman at all quite frankly after reading your update. Protect yourself and your daughter future relationship by walking away.

OP I'm so sorry about what you went through as a child. You owe your mother nothing. If you walk away, social services will step in. Does your daughter know what happened to you? Have you had any counselling?

Aside from that. Your daughter has a job and 2 kids. It's totally fine that she wants to spend her holidays relaxing.