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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mental health doesn't justify breaking my things?

74 replies

NextWinter · 02/02/2021 20:17

My husband just threw my kindle at the wall in a fit of rage. I know its only technology but its one of the very first ones and I've been so careful with it and its been all over the world with me and now its shattered.
He has mental health problems (medicated and had therapy in the past that hasn't helped and on waiting list for more) and will say that is the reason he got cross. I've never suffered so don't know if iabu to think that bad MH shouldn't excuse bad behaviour.

OP posts:
PrawnPower · 02/02/2021 20:18

I'd be out.

Minky37 · 02/02/2021 20:20

Absolutely not. It’s no excuse for smashing your stuff up.

Emptytank · 02/02/2021 20:20

OP your not being unreasonable but you already know that.

I spent five years with some one that smashed my stuff up. They never change. Do you have kids?

rawalpindithelabrador · 02/02/2021 20:21

Nope. I'd be gone. It's never an excuse and I have a couple of conditions myself.

Santaiscovidfree · 02/02/2021 20:21

Ime there is a fine line between depression /mh issues and pure Twatism..
Please take this as your cue to end the relationship..
While you are still able to.

Gingernaut · 02/02/2021 20:22

Does he smash up his stuff, or just yours?

It's violence, even if he doesn't hit you. He's abusing you.

"Mental health issues" is the excuse of a twat.

dangermouseisace · 02/02/2021 20:22

I’ve broken things when having mental illness flip outs. They were MY things though, I never broke anything of my husbands. And it was always deeply shameful. It sounds like your husband isn’t remorseful/is finding excuses.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/02/2021 20:22

There’s no excuse for this. I’d be leaving. There’s no excuse for breaking your stuff.

Exh once threw out into the rain pictures of dd and I taken at a tourist attraction that had significance for me. Ruining them. It is such a horrible feeling.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/02/2021 20:22

MH doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it can mitigate it and make it understandable. If this is a rare occurrence and there was in your opinion, sufficient reason for him to throw something then it can be forgiveable.

It also depends very much on context, was he throwing it at you and missed? That’s DV. Was he throwing it and you weren’t even in the room? Better. How did he act after he threw it? Did it snap him out of the rage and he apologised and is ordering you a new one, or is he blaming you with “see what you made me do”? That’s DV

If it’s DV, not forgivable and you need to end the relationship, find somewhere safe to go and be ready to call police if he flies into another rage over that.

Bixs · 02/02/2021 20:23

I have bipolar disorder and have had several severe mental health crises in the past , I have never broken anything belonging to me or anyone else.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2021 20:23

There is no excuse for violence. Next time he might direct his rage at you. I'd be kicking him out.

Anothermother3 · 02/02/2021 20:25

Never an excuse. If he was really psychotic and had delusional beliefs about the kindle that would be the only exception. Doesn’t sound like that at all and ‘anger issues’ are never an excuse for behaviour.

whatwedontknow · 02/02/2021 20:27

That’s not bad behaviour it’s abusive behaviour. If he can’t control himself he needs to leave or you need to find somewhere safe.

Living with someone with long term poor mental health it can be easy to find yourself normalising unreasonable and unacceptable behaviour.

CallistoSol · 02/02/2021 20:28

No excuse at all, and a deal breaker in my opinion. Poor you. Can you leave/make him leave?

CallistoSol · 02/02/2021 20:29

And even if he does have mental health issues, it is NOT your responsibility to fix them for him. Put yourself first.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 02/02/2021 20:29

It wasnt just a fit of rage. In a fit of rage he could have broken anything. He broke something that was very special and irreplaceable of yours. Abusers do this. They never break their own things. So there is total control. His aim was breaking something that was precious to you so it would hurt you the most.

Leave him. It is not you job to fix an abusive man because they cannot be fixed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2021 20:29

Does he smash his things up?

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 02/02/2021 20:31

@PlanDeRaccordement

MH doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it can mitigate it and make it understandable. If this is a rare occurrence and there was in your opinion, sufficient reason for him to throw something then it can be forgiveable.

It also depends very much on context, was he throwing it at you and missed? That’s DV. Was he throwing it and you weren’t even in the room? Better. How did he act after he threw it? Did it snap him out of the rage and he apologised and is ordering you a new one, or is he blaming you with “see what you made me do”? That’s DV

If it’s DV, not forgivable and you need to end the relationship, find somewhere safe to go and be ready to call police if he flies into another rage over that.

It's all shit behaviour and shouldnt be tolerated. What future could op have with a violent man? None. Stop excusing abusive behaviour.
Original poster
NextWinter · 02/02/2021 20:31

Thank you. I wish I knew about MN years ago, I wish they taught you boundaries in school. I've been excusing him for years, accepting a life of egg shells.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/02/2021 20:34

It's against the law!

Normally I say to people 'Respect your own feelings and expect your partner to do the same', because there are no rules within emotion, and everybody has a different, self-defined set of needs and wants.

But there are rules here. He has broken the law. It's categorically not ok.

I suspect this is not the only thing he's done that's pushed your boundaries. Is there more?

candide47 · 02/02/2021 20:35

Go on, tell us about all the stuff of his he has broken due to his mental health. If the list is non existent then he didn't break your kindle due to his mental health issues. He is in control and knows what he is doing.

MichelleofzeResistance · 02/02/2021 20:36

No. I've been there. My ex used to put fists through windows, kick things across the room at the cats, smash bottles and then cut themselves with the glass.... I tried understanding it as part of their MH needs for far too long before realising I was enabling it, and was trying to live with the PTSD their behaviour had caused. It doesn't matter what the issue is or how sympathetic you are to them having it, you should not feel forced to stay in a situation where you are unhappy and your belongings and surroundings may be violently wrecked if you cease to walk on eggshells carefully enough.

Flowers You're right. It is about boundaries.

CallistoSol · 02/02/2021 20:36

@NextWinter

Thank you. I wish I knew about MN years ago, I wish they taught you boundaries in school. I've been excusing him for years, accepting a life of egg shells.
Virtual hugs, you will get excellent advice on the relationships board if you want to get the ball rolling to end the relationship.
PlanDeRaccordement · 02/02/2021 20:38

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea
It's all shit behaviour and shouldnt be tolerated. What future could op have with a violent man? None. Stop excusing abusive behaviour.

I’m not? OP has next to no context. I’ve smashed a plate when angry and no one was around, no intent to harm anyone, all I ended up doing was cutting myself. Context does matter when you are talking about getting angry and breaking something. It might be abusive, but it might not, I think I was pretty clear on the contexts in which it would be domestic violence to the OP and advised her if it was to end the relationship, find somewhere safe to go and be ready to call the police if he flies into another rage (over her leaving).

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 02/02/2021 20:38

I think it depends what the MH issue is and whether he is having an acute episode...for example a someone having a schizophrenic episode and thinking something in the kindle is spying on them...an ex soldier with PTSD that has been unexpectedly triggered then situations like that are maybe understandable if they happen rarely. Someone who is chronically depressed and anxious and who regularly takes their anger out on their partner just sounds like an abusive asshole