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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think mental health doesn't justify breaking my things?

74 replies

NextWinter · 02/02/2021 20:17

My husband just threw my kindle at the wall in a fit of rage. I know its only technology but its one of the very first ones and I've been so careful with it and its been all over the world with me and now its shattered.
He has mental health problems (medicated and had therapy in the past that hasn't helped and on waiting list for more) and will say that is the reason he got cross. I've never suffered so don't know if iabu to think that bad MH shouldn't excuse bad behaviour.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2021 20:40

I've been excusing him for years, accepting a life of egg shells.

One of the most beautiful things about life is that we can change the way we're living. Get rid of him and stop living this nightmare.

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 20:40

@NextWinter

Thank you. I wish I knew about MN years ago, I wish they taught you boundaries in school. I've been excusing him for years, accepting a life of egg shells.

You're so right. They really should teach kids about boundaries in schools. So many of us don't get taught well by our parents, and pass the same problems on to our own kids.

It's not even complicated. It's just hard to understand when you've grown up not knowing anything different. The only boundaries I was taught were to do with sex, never to do with emotions. They should get this stuff in early.

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 20:42

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

I think it depends what the MH issue is and whether he is having an acute episode...for example a someone having a schizophrenic episode and thinking something in the kindle is spying on them...an ex soldier with PTSD that has been unexpectedly triggered then situations like that are maybe understandable if they happen rarely. Someone who is chronically depressed and anxious and who regularly takes their anger out on their partner just sounds like an abusive asshole

I think that makes a difference to the treatment he gets. I don't think it makes a difference to the fact that the relationship needs to change because OP and her possessions are at risk.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/02/2021 20:43

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken

for example a someone having a schizophrenic episode

That was me with the plate. For some reason, I was washing it but kept seeing transparent worms wriggling all over the plate no matter how many times I rinsed it. I then started to get angry at the worms and a bit frightened they might try and attack me and get into me through my skin and got so angry and scared that I thought squashing them and stomping on the plate pieces would kill them. Plate was smashed to smithereens and I was cut pretty badly.

UndertheCedartree · 02/02/2021 20:45

Mental health or not he is responsible for his actions. It sounds as if he is not medicated well enough if he still flies into a rage. Can he see that and will he seek a medication review immediately. My ex-H has Paranoid Schizophrenia and when not medicated can be aggressive - on the right medication - back to his passive self. Will he speak to his mental health team about what is going on and push for treatment?

If he won't do this and blames his mental health without also taking responsibility or blames you for his anger then you may need to reconsider the relationship. Obviously if he is clearly psychotic and/or has no insight then that is different and I would phone his Care coordinator myself.

strawberriesontheNeva · 02/02/2021 20:46

No excuse at all. He sounds dangerous . You should consider leaving before he hurts you too.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 02/02/2021 20:47

I hate how people now have a get out of jail fee card with abusive behaviour by blaming MH problems.

I'd also be out.

Pippin2028 · 02/02/2021 20:49

In these cases, the other person has no problem damaging valuable stuff that is yours, but never damages their own expensive or valuable things.

FinalSongbird · 02/02/2021 20:50

What kind of MH issues? A beloved having a manic episode of bi-polar that the NHS are slow to treat is very different to mild anxiety.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2021 20:51

an ex soldier with PTSD that has been unexpectedly triggered then situations like that are maybe understandable

I'm sorry to say I've dealt with a lot of DV situations with ex-military men with PTSD including a murder and an attempted murder. Just because there's a reason, doesn't mean it's not dangerous and doesn't mean it's an excuse.

dane8 · 02/02/2021 20:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DuaLipaSuction · 02/02/2021 20:55

Having had a kindle from that war that I'm equally fond of, I think I'd be grieving the loss of the kindle more than the loss of the relationship. He doesn't deserve you if he treats you with such little respect.

billy1966 · 02/02/2021 20:59

MH is not an excuse to abuse.

Get out.

FatCatThinCat · 02/02/2021 20:59

If you're walking on egg shells then you're living in fear. You are worth more than that.

HitchFlix · 02/02/2021 21:19

He's a dickhead. Yes I agree with you about boundaries etc being taught at school. But now you know so you can change things OP. Get rid of this one, they really never change.

ConkerBonkers · 02/02/2021 21:19

It's not an excuse. It's a big red flag. Obviously if it's broken he needs to make it a priority to buy you a new one. I think second chances are okay to give but third chances are not.

Original poster

NextWinter · 02/02/2021 21:34

Thanks all. He's not even acknowledged it. I don't want a new one, he can't buy his way out.
He's been on loads of different meds and is on a couple now and he does have good periods and bad and he is in a bad period but I've realised ,and its been confirmed on here that its not up to me to get him through it. He needs to do it himself. He's not psychotic, he's diagnosed as clinically depressed with BPD traits although recently they have moved away from the BPD diagnosis.
I know it might seem silly that its breaking the kindle that has done it, but I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't currently have any options but I'm going to have to work out a way to get some.

OP posts:

XenoBitch · 02/02/2021 21:40

It is a reason but not an excuse. And he needs to own it and take responsibility for it. That means replacing your item and getting help for his issues.

OverTheRubicon · 02/02/2021 21:45

@PlanDeRaccordement

MH doesn’t excuse bad behaviour, but it can mitigate it and make it understandable. If this is a rare occurrence and there was in your opinion, sufficient reason for him to throw something then it can be forgiveable.

It also depends very much on context, was he throwing it at you and missed? That’s DV. Was he throwing it and you weren’t even in the room? Better. How did he act after he threw it? Did it snap him out of the rage and he apologised and is ordering you a new one, or is he blaming you with “see what you made me do”? That’s DV

If it’s DV, not forgivable and you need to end the relationship, find somewhere safe to go and be ready to call police if he flies into another rage over that.

Actually, breaking anything like he did is already domestic violence.

What is 'sufficient reason' to throw something that was hers, and was precious to her?

Op the one possible extenuating thing here might be if he does the same with his stuff or whatever is to hand, and this occurred during a one off major mental health breakdown.

But honestly, I spent so many years of my life excusing abusive behaviour due to mental health issues. Bet you've done the same. And it comes to a point where it doesn't matter whether they're being abusive because they are arseholes or abusive because they are mentally ill. Because either way, you are being abused.

It's taken me so many tries, and I'm not really free yet, but you know what you need to do.

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 22:05

@PlanDeRaccordement

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Throwing/breaking possessions is detailed by Women's Aid as abuse. It's never ok. Even if it's due to MH issues. He needs to deal with it differently if it's caused by MH issues (I would argue that being an abuser is a mental health issue, whatever's causing it), but that doesn't change how OP should deal with the fact that she's in an abusive relationship.

I know it might seem silly that its breaking the kindle that has done it

No, it doesn't seem silly. Minimising your feelings in this way is what's led you to your eggshell situation. Nothing you feel is silly. Everything you feel needs to be respected.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/02/2021 09:40

@OverTheRubicon
Yes the extenuating circumstance I was thinking of was an acute MH episode and I described one I had due to my schizophrenia in which I broke a plate - but no one was in room with me and I wasn’t angry at a person but an hallucination.

I did list a few circumstances where it is definitely DV, so I think we are in agreement. Again, I also think MH doesn’t excuse this behaviour, only perhaps mitigate it and make it understandable if this were an isolated incident.

VegemiteIsToasty · 03/02/2021 09:44

Nothing to do with his mental health he’s just a dick.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/02/2021 09:45

@Eckhart
Yes throwing/breaking things is DV if in context of a threat as in my example that if he threw it at her and missed. That is what your woman’s aid website says too:
“Threats: making angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things; punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun; threatening to kill or harm you and the children; threatening to kill or harm family pets; threats of suicide.”

Again in the OP it wasn’t clear where OP was when the kindle got broken if they were having a row or not, whether he was even angry at her or not. What his MH issues even are. I agree with you it is never ok. I did say MH doesn’t excuse the behaviour which is what I meant by that.

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/02/2021 09:51

Funny how it’s your thing he’s smashed. I mean you’d think someone who is out of control and doesn’t know what they’re doing would just pick something at random, and that the chances of it being yours would be slim, but no, he managed just by chance to smash your thing.

No OP, MH is not an excuse. I’ve had MH problems and been hospitalised and been medicated and had therapy and had a CPN and have a disagnosis of bipolar and I don’t smash things, even when I feel like it.

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 03/02/2021 09:58

For me the decision whether to leave him would be based not on him smashing an ancient Kindle but whether he recognises that he has behaved outrageously badly (MH problems or not) and that he is willing to commit to getting proper treatment until they are resolved.

Think of it like a job - an employee with severe mental health problems wouldn't be sacked just because they smashed a tablet, but they would need to work with their employer to ensure it was a one-off and the underlying issues were treated. (If they refused, the employer might be able to sack them.)

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