Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

Well done OP.

This thread has opened your eyes to how dreadfully he has been.treating you when things were so low.

I'm delighted you have spoken to him.

But please realise he is NOT a good kind man.

I appreciate you care about him and you have history but he is not a good man.

Good men do not behave as he has done.

Please protect yourself.

You deserve so much better than him.
You are much stronger than you realise and you will survive all of this, without him if necessary.

Keep posting

I told him that I feel like I'm not even a human in his eyes when I cannot ask to use the joint account to buy necessities such as sanitary items or washing up liquid for example. He apologised and says he finds it hard because of what I've done but has agreed we can look at our finances together and work out a plan.

It sounds very stressful for both of you but your update was positive so i hope it works out.

When you look at your finances is there a way you could work out if it would be better for you each to pay into a household account for all the bills? so that you aren't paying for all the shopping, all the council tax and all the car, and he isn't paying all the the ones he pays? Is there a way you could split them 50/50 or 40/60?

Good luck!

I can understand the resentment and anger, it's natural. But if he has chosen to stay with you you both need to work beyond that. I honestly think there are some similarities with couples who choose to stay together after an affair. There is obviously a sense of betrayal, and a need to be completely open going forward, but you seem to have done everything you can to do that.
Does he realise that there is a strong correlation between debt and mental health issues? There is some good information about this on the money saving expert website. I would take a look at that and try to get him to read it too.
Wishing you all the best. It sounds like it's very difficult for you, but maybe your husband needs to now acknowledge the efforts you are making to put this right.

@Pinkmoon33 at least read the updates from the OP, otherwise your post are pretty pointless. One of the things updated is that OP is awaiting a coil to e fitted.

A thread of over 800 posts is likely to contain various updates.

I've only read to page 18, but some of the people on this thread are unbelievable. I'm talking about the ones who are making their own decisions about the 'real' size of OP's debt and making massive assumptions about her outgoings before deciding she's a liar. Fortunately, when Stepchange work out debt repayments they DON'T say, 'Oh, you have a car; that will be, say, £50 a month for diesel'. They add in all the other expenses of car ownership: road tax, car insurance, annual MOT, even - if you drive an older car - a contingency for repairs. In short, they look at the ACTUAL expense of a car - not just say "... blah, blah, £50 for diesel therefore OP is lying and has more disposable income than she claims."

Why are some people so fucking nasty all the time, particularly when they know fuck all about the OP's expenses, apart from what she's disclosing here? And why the hell should she account for her every penny to a bunch of random people on the internet?

I feel bad for you OP but I do understand why your DH feels and acts as he does. Your reckless behaviour (absolutely recognising it was a coping mechanism) impacts you both - your debt becomes his debt, and impacts your future opportunities re: credit score, buying a larger home etc. I guess a parallel would be if you had had a drug or drinking problem in the past - the admission has made him wary of whether he really knows you and can trust you.

Would he have gone out with you and married you had he known from the start, do you think?

I don't blame him for feeling frustrated that you've racked up such a debt, if my partner did this I would be angry with him too. I wouldn't use my savings to bail him out, as I'd think this would make him do it again in the future.

However the way he's treated you with the joint account is wrong though, he shouldn't take his anger out on you in that way.

It's great you've spoken with Stepchange and have a plan going forward, but maybe it would be worth to see someone for some help with coping mechanisms?

If I was your husband I probably wouldn't be able to forgive and forget the hiding / lies, but I obviously wouldn't know unless I was in that situation.

However, your husband either needs to forgive and forget. Or vote with his feet and leave. He can't really have it both ways.

@SkeletorAttack

I feel bad for you OP but I do understand why your DH feels and acts as he does. Your reckless behaviour (absolutely recognising it was a coping mechanism) impacts you both - your debt becomes his debt, and impacts your future opportunities re: credit score, buying a larger home etc. I guess a parallel would be if you had had a drug or drinking problem in the past - the admission has made him wary of whether he really knows you and can trust you.

Would he have gone out with you and married you had he known from the start, do you think?

Know what from the start? This debt was made during the marriage. Although the OP was wrong to run these debts up without the husband's knowledge (which she has repeatedly taken on board) maybe the dh has missed that his wife is seriously depressed and not managing?

OP please be kind to yourself. Don't let him take charge when you are already taking charge. He has no right to keep on at you. Even if you get through this I would be concerned what would happen in the future if for any reason you can't earn?

You made a mistake but you faced up to it and took positive steps to clear the debt. You have proved you can now be trusted and he needs to acknowledge your efforts. He should be proud you are doing do well to slowly but surely reduce this debt. Does he understood how each miscarriage makes you feel? How much losing your grandparents do closely when they were only in their 60's made you feel? I think he lacks compassion and forgiveness. I personally would not want to stay with a person who constantly punished me for a past mistake I was working hard to resolve. It is like kicking a person when they are down.

Thank you everyone.

Just to re-iterate to people posting without reading my posts. We've been together since I was 16. My parents abuse and drug/alcohol addictions put me through trauma until I was adopted by my grandparents (thank god). I have been on antidepressants since I was a young teen, he was fully aware of this.

The debt I got myself into happened AFTER we were married, after losing my lovely grandparents to cancer both in their 60s and very suddenly plus multiple miscarriages. I used spending as a coping mechanism. I shouldn't have. I should have never done it. I know that. I admitted this, made a plan with stepchange and have stuck to it for 2 years without any unnecessary spending (luxuries such as clothes, make up, take always).

I am not trying for a baby currently, I am awaiting the fitting of a coil in a few weeks.

Sometimes I wonder why people are nasty, I never asked for sympathy just a hand hold/some advice as I feel very low and carry a lot of guilt.

I have no family to turn to and although I have a few very good friends, COVID has obviously stopped me from seeing them, they agree I was wrong but they also agree that I am and have been doing the right thing by paying my debts off without default and are supportive of my MH issues.

I could never be nasty, especially to somebody I'd never met. I've been accused of lying, being a troll, told that I deserve for him to leave me.

For every nasty comment, I have been grateful for the kind/honest/supportive ones, none of you that have shown kindness have gone unnoticed and I thank you all for your support, to a stranger, when I'm feeling low.

He acknowledged his wrong doing in our conversation last night and he's apologised.

It doesn't make it okay, just like me paying off the debt doesn't make it okay.

We will try and work through things as agreed last night and a review of our finances.

I know that I can not survive in a relationship if it carries on how it has been and although it would be sad, I've realised that I would need to leave to make both of us happier if we cannot move past it.

For now, he has agreed to read up on the links between depression and out of character actions. He's acknowledged he hasn't dealt with his grief very well from our miscarriages. I'm hoping we can get through this together.

I received a text from him a little while ago saying he's booked us a holiday to Cyprus for next year as something to look forward to and something for us, he also said he's proud of me and again he's sorry for not supporting me.

I can only hope that the conversation last night and my continued honestly, no more loans or finance and my upkeep of payments will restore his trust in me.

He could have used that holiday money to take away some of your debt and relieve your mental stress!!

And my goodness that would pee me off - unilaterally booking a holiday without any reference to me whatsoever

I should have never done it. I know that. I admitted this, made a plan with stepchange and have stuck to it for 2 years without any unnecessary spending (luxuries such as clothes, make up, take always).

What really annoyed me about my ex partner was his constant excuses to justify his actions and constant comments about what he was giving up on in his journey to pay off his debts.

It felt like he wasn't fully owning up to it and accepting responsibility and was whining about the sacrifices he needed to make to insure his debt was paid off. That is the consequence and what people have to do to get out of debt. It isn't easy but is what needs to happen to clear the debt.

I see a similar tone in your posts. I can't help wondering if your husband is worried your addiction to spending will recur. I think it takes time to regain trust.

@Hagotcha80

He could have used that holiday money to take away some of your debt and relieve your mental stress!!

And my goodness that would pee me off - unilaterally booking a holiday without any reference to me whatsoever

Yes.

You are like a pet he can reward or punish.

I will go one further and say that I am not at all surprised that, on the loss of your grandparents, you felt so alone and unsupported that you turned to completely destructive ways of dealing with your grief... because you sure as hell didn't have a loving husband to help you get through it, or the comfort of feeling that you at least had your own nuclear family now.

I feel this thread has only scratched the surface and this relationship has been toxic for some time.

He's happy with it though, as you are utterly compliant, self-blaming, and seem to accept that he is the boss.

Please have a think about it all.

Again OP I would urge you to return to counselling. A lot of posters in here are missing the fact that you have an addiction. Addicts are very good at minimising their behaviour and see attempts or concerns about a repeat in behaviour as controlling. Its an addicts mindset.

Being the partner of an addict changes the dynamics of a relationship on a fundamental level. Normal things like sharing money become enabling behaviour.

I understand people are trying to help you but they are missing the fact you have an addiction and your thought processes are disjointed until you get professional help.

Your husband and you both sound like good people who are struggling.

What you have described is not financial abuse.

I'm sorry for your losses. As your most recent pregnancy was a surprise I would suggest you both abstain from sex until you both have the contraception sorted.
Deal with your addiction while investigations are ongoing and get professional support for grief and addiction.

@Hagotcha80

He could have used that holiday money to take away some of your debt and relieve your mental stress!!

And my goodness that would pee me off - unilaterally booking a holiday without any reference to me whatsoever

Yes, that’s very high handed. Did he ask you if you wanted to go to Cyrus OP?

If my husband did that I’d just tell him to go alone on principle.

Also OP - try not to take the malicious attacks here personally - it’s nothing to with you, it’s all about the posters doing it and their issues. Whatever they’re angry, bitter about in life, you getting a kicking as an anonymous online target.

That’s why I call AIBU - Am I Bullying Unreasonably?

@Ivyr0se The condom split and we did not realise until I had a positive pregnancy test.

We have been using contraception since my loss at the beginning of 2020.

@SkeletorAttack

I feel bad for you OP but I do understand why your DH feels and acts as he does. Your reckless behaviour (absolutely recognising it was a coping mechanism) impacts you both - your debt becomes his debt, and impacts your future opportunities re: credit score, buying a larger home etc. I guess a parallel would be if you had had a drug or drinking problem in the past - the admission has made him wary of whether he really knows you and can trust you.

Would he have gone out with you and married you had he known from the start, do you think?

Try reading the fucking thread!

@PandemicAtTheDisco I am not whining, just simply stating that I have stuck to spending sensibly.

If I had an addiction, I would have done it again. I haven't, not in over 2 years.

I do not have an addiction, I temporarily spent money on material things for temporary happiness during a breakdown.

Totally agree this is NOT an addiction. It is a reaction to a certain set of events.

I also echo the others that I would not be happy about the holiday. My dh would never book a holiday in that way without consulting me. And even if using all his own money. We would discuss it and decide together. Just to give you some balance that him booking it without your knowledge it not a nice thing to do.

@SkeletorAttack how would anyone have known before they were married, this situation occurred due the the OP losing her grandparents (who brought her up) and six miscarriages.

I think you need to avail yourself of the marriage vows, to remind you

In sickness and on health
For richer or poorer

Are some of them.

This hasn't been a lifelong issue for the OP, she's made in perfectly clear in all her posts that it was due to trauma and depression.

Her husbands duty was to work with her, not treat her like a second class citizen.

That’s why I call AIBU - Am I Bullying Unreasonably?

@TatianaBis
I really like that change. It is very suitable.

I think people identify more with the husband - I am someone who dealt with a partner with secret debts. I am biassed. My way of dealing with miscarriages and family/friends illnesses and deaths was different and I didn't understand the impact my behaviour had on my partner.

I had CBT and counselling. My life coach helped me the most with support finding practical solutions for my problems. I hoard when struggling. My life coach took time to learn about hoarding and how to help hoarders. He didn't see the hoard as the problem that would vanish when cleared away but delved into why I was hoarding and helped me recognise how it wasn't an answer. He didn't assume we could clear the hoard away and all would be well but helped me learn to have less attachment to my possessions and realise the full impact of what hoarding was costing me.

I am not cured. I started hoarding food again but stopped myself.