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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not see 70 as elderly

217 replies

Ibeliveinyou · 02/02/2021 12:06

I don’t know if if it’s because my parents are now that age but I just don’t see a 70 as old.

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 02/02/2021 23:00

It definitely is. It's more noticeable when the person is regularly around a group of people who are much younger though I think. Their reactions & motor skills are slower. And their health isn't as robust, they take longer to recover after an accident or illness . Nurse friend told me this too. She also told me older skin when injured bruises more horrifically , black & blue, as it's far thinner & delicate : and not as much collagen to repair damage etc.

littlepattilou · 02/02/2021 23:01

@BogRollBOGOF

Ken Bruce is 70 today and he's not very elderly. Wink

He is. He sounds his age, AND looks it. As most people do. Wink

littlepattilou · 02/02/2021 23:01

@Snookie00

It’s amusing seeing people on here claiming that people in their 70s and 80s aren’t elderly. It’s like if they’re denying the ageing process and the inevitability of death.

My dad died when he was 69. Whilst I miss him very much and wish he’d had longer I accept the fact that he had lived a long and lovely life. His was a slightly premature death but he had retired and lived longer than many of his ancestors.

This. ^ Some people seem to see the decade that someone is is their 70s, as still quite young, and if someone dies at 68-72-ish, they are classed as 'too young to die.' And they were 'no age!' Bizarre. 70-ish is a decent age to live to, and as @ChestnutStuffing said.

It tends to be somewhere in that decade of 70 to 79 that most people go from being fairly healthy and active, to having some significant effects of ageing that become evident.

And that's true. Many people I have known were quite healthy and relatively active up to their mid to late 60s and some looked 5 or 6 younger... As soon as they hit 70-72, they suddenly went downhill and acquired multiple health issues, and aged 15 years in 3 years, and then died in their mid 70s...

I have seen 3 or 4 people I know (neighbours) in the past 2 years, go from being really fit and healthy and active, to going completely downhill healthwise, being completely housebound, and dying, all within 2-3 years. And all around 68-73 years old.

I think the type who think 70 is still 'young' and 'they could have another 30 years of life...' are the same type who think an unhappily married woman of 58, who has been with her husband for 40 years, can just leave him, retrain for a new career, find a fabulous new man, and a new bunch of friends. And that employers will be banging her door down to employ her when she finishes her degree at 62! Some people (on here) live on another planet I swear.

littlepattilou · 02/02/2021 23:03

@CSIblonde

It definitely is. It's more noticeable when the person is regularly around a group of people who are much younger though I think. Their reactions & motor skills are slower. And their health isn't as robust, they take longer to recover after an accident or illness . Nurse friend told me this too. She also told me older skin when injured bruises more horrifically , black & blue, as it's far thinner & delicate : and not as much collagen to repair damage etc.
Absolutely this. ^ Quite a number of people on mumsnet won't like to admit this though.
ChestnutStuffing · 02/02/2021 23:08

[quote Exhausteddog]*@ChestnutStuffing. Interesting point about heathly life expectancy but your comment about 70s being the age where things start going wrong for people only applies for people who live in the most affluent parts of the U.K.

In some other areas for men it is in their 50s.

The mumsnet demographic is not typical of the majority of people living in the U.K. All these fit and healthy 70 and 80 year olds are the exception and not the standard*

...but then do you have a differing scale of what is elderly, according to life expectancy...or would you say people died during middle age.
If life expectancy in a developing country was, for example 50, would someone be considered elderly at 45, or would you say people didnt live until old age in that country...?
I'm in my early 40s, I'm fit and healthy so far, but based on the women in my family, I would feel lucky if I lived until I was 70.my DM died on her early 60s, I feel she died before she was elderly.[/quote]
In some places being in your 40s you would be seen as an elder.

However - to some extent the idea that people all died at 40 in the middle ages, or in poor places, is misleading. Many people died as infants which makes the average age of death look lower.

It is true that with poor food and medicine, many adults die on the younger side.

But the oldest people are actually fairly even. There were people who lived to be 80 in the middle ages. There are more now. But people who live to be 100 are rare now and were then. People who live to be 110 have always existed it seems but have always been vanishingly rare.

At a certain point the body, no matter how well you treat it, starts to break down and wear out. If you don't die of something else it will be cancer, a stroke, or heart failure - something will give out.

For most people that seems to begin by about 70, if nothing has exacerbated it before that.

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/02/2021 23:09

@Snookie00

It’s amusing seeing people on here claiming that people in their 70s and 80s aren’t elderly. It’s like if they’re denying the ageing process and the inevitability of death.

My dad died when he was 69. Whilst I miss him very much and wish he’d had longer I accept the fact that he had lived a long and lovely life. His was a slightly premature death but he had retired and lived longer than many of his ancestors.

I think it’s because mumsnet is populated by middle age middle class women who expect everyone to live to 100. In many areas of the country people living to 70 have actually exceeded the life expectancy of those areas.

The modal age of death in the UK (ie the most usual age of death) is 89. That’s the age where most people die and is the one which should be used in these types of discussions.

When my aunt died at 72 the doctors all said it was young and premature because most people in the UK die at 89. When my uncle died at 68 it was considered really, really premature even 10 years ago.

Yes people can age badly due to a range of different factors. Yes people die sooner than they should. But just because your dad unfortunately died at 69 doesn’t change the fact that he was 20 years younger than what most people are when they die. His death is indeed premature.

CagneyNYPD · 02/02/2021 23:17

My mum is 80 and I would describe her as elderly but not frail. My NDN are mid 80s and are both elderly and frail. My neighbours opposite are early 70s and are v active, full of beans types. But they had the luxury of both being able to retire at 60.

The number itself is arbitrary. I think it is frailness that makes the big difference.

Snookie00 · 02/02/2021 23:19

Of course late 60s is a premature death but not tragically young and that’s even before taking into account how many years of healthy life people have. Modern medicine has been brilliant at keeping infirm and chronically ill elderly people alive. Covid seems to have undone many of those gains but regardless by the time people reach 70, many are living with ill health. I posted a link below which shows how many healthy years of life people are living. It’s pretty staggering how it differs across the country.

ChestnutStuffing · 02/02/2021 23:20

The modal age of death in the UK (ie the most usual age of death) is 89. That’s the age where most people die and is the one which should be used in these types of discussions.

When my aunt died at 72 the doctors all said it was young and premature because most people in the UK die at 89. When my uncle died at 68 it was considered really, really premature even 10 years ago.

But the time that has been "added" on to people's lives is not typically all good time where they are in good health and active. Quite the contrary, when people live 10 years longer now it often means that they are living 10 years in poor health.

Which I think would still qualify as elderly.

Wanderlust20 · 02/02/2021 23:30

Totally agree OP, my mum is nearly 71 and I just don't see her that way at all! She looks far younger and is a big kid at heart. Pre-Covid, she and my Dad would still go out for dinner, take little trips away, etc. She isn't very active though but doesn't have any major health issues apart from usual aches and pains from "getting on a bit". She doesn't dress like my grandmother did at that age! Wears jeans everyday.

Like others say, totally depends on the person though. On the other hand, she's a carer for her (younger) brother who has dementia and a whole host of other health problems, he depends on her Sad

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/02/2021 23:38

@ChestnutStuffing

The modal age of death in the UK (ie the most usual age of death) is 89. That’s the age where most people die and is the one which should be used in these types of discussions.

When my aunt died at 72 the doctors all said it was young and premature because most people in the UK die at 89. When my uncle died at 68 it was considered really, really premature even 10 years ago.

But the time that has been "added" on to people's lives is not typically all good time where they are in good health and active. Quite the contrary, when people live 10 years longer now it often means that they are living 10 years in poor health.

Which I think would still qualify as elderly.

You are conflating two seperate issues. Disability free life expectancy and healthy life expectancy. However it is usually possible for the issue that causes the disabiltiy to be managed quite successfully - for example early heart failure (spotted in mid-60s usually) is still classed as a disability but can now be managed with drugs and procedures and so early it doesn’t affect life expectancy or cause dementia.

People who maintain their weight to a normal bmi by 50 and keep it at that level are less likely to need medical treatment as they get older.

Similarly as most cancer deaths are in the over 70s it is often a huge reason for frailty. cancer diagnosis and treatments in the over 70s has improved and we will see within our lifetimes a huge reduction in frailty.

So to say we should all give up the ghost when we reach out mid 60s isn’t just ridiculous it’s dangerous too. A lot of my friends and family from India get told crap like that and many feel what’s the point in exercising as they’re too old to make a difference but THE FACTS are you are never too old to get fit and healthy and live a long life.

GrumpyHoonMain · 02/02/2021 23:41

@Wanderlust20

Totally agree OP, my mum is nearly 71 and I just don't see her that way at all! She looks far younger and is a big kid at heart. Pre-Covid, she and my Dad would still go out for dinner, take little trips away, etc. She isn't very active though but doesn't have any major health issues apart from usual aches and pains from "getting on a bit". She doesn't dress like my grandmother did at that age! Wears jeans everyday.

Like others say, totally depends on the person though. On the other hand, she's a carer for her (younger) brother who has dementia and a whole host of other health problems, he depends on her Sad

This. My mum is 60 and looks at least 10 years younger. She has disabilities due to ill health but even with them due to modern treatment is expected to live a long and healthy life.

Same with dad. He’s nearly 70 had a stent and a pacemaker and is running around the house to try and preserve his fitness.

Snookie00 · 03/02/2021 01:06

@GrumpyHoonMain. Great that your mum and dad are living like teenagers. Doesn’t negate the point of this thread which was that people who are 70+ are elderly. Doesn’t mean that they’ll die tomorrow but they are elderly. We as children are the worst judges of our parents as we cannot help but see them in a kind of suspended animation as evidenced by so many people on this thread. And as we get older too our sense of what is old/elderly slides ever further back as a self-defence mechanism to avoid thinking about the death of our loved ones.

BigWoollyJumpers · 03/02/2021 09:27

Perspective, as illustrated above, is certainly dependent on experience and where you live. DM died recently from Covid, she was 92. So in no way before her time. However, her siblings, her mother and grandmother lived until they were 98, so we were expecting her to live another 5 years or so. She had no major health issues, and wasn't on any medication, she just died of Covid.

My Dad died at 68, 30 years ago, from cancer. He died young. Had he been ill now, he probably would have survived. He had no other health issues.

We live in an affluent part of the South, and are surrounded by the type of 90 year olds who live independent lives, Lead active lives, and go on several holidays a year.

MistleTOEboughski · 03/02/2021 09:35

I mean is being elderly a bad thing? I read a book recently saying people should stop being so obsessed with being young and see there is some value in being older. Health is a concern especially with Covid but even so there is a good side to being old if we are willing to see it.

grannycake · 03/02/2021 09:45

I think the problem is that elderly is seen as the final phase of the ageing process. I will be 65 next month - I refer to myself as old but never elderly but it seems it should be the other way around

FiveShelties · 03/02/2021 09:53

I will be 65 this year and my husband 69, I do not feel either of us is close to elderly. Perhaps it is a state of mind? Or perhaps it is how healthy you are. Or perhaps if you think old you become old??

FiveShelties · 03/02/2021 09:54

I meant to add that my Mum is almost 91 and has just decided she is getting on a bit - I hope I feel like that should I attain the age of 90Grin

SaucyHorse · 03/02/2021 09:57

It seems 'elderly' is the worst thing you could possibly be to some people. It's an age descriptor, not a synonym for decrepit and boring. It's not an insult.
A 20 year old who is bedridden with chronic health conditions and socially isolated is still young and a 70 year old who runs marathons and has a whirlwind social life is still old.

Floisme · 03/02/2021 10:27

Is this another aspect of 'You can be whoever you want to be' thinking?:

'I don't feel old so I'm not./
She doesn't look old so she isn't./
I don't want them to be old so they're not.'

I use 'old' and 'elderly' equally. As far as I'm concerned they mean the same and the second word is just seen as more polite for some reason.

borntobequiet · 03/02/2021 10:27

An elderly person is getting on a bit. An old person is getting on a bit more. Either might be in good or poor health, physically or mentally.
The words are descriptors of age, not condition.

SillyOldMummy · 03/02/2021 10:30

It's mature, not elderly

SurvivalIsInsufficient · 03/02/2021 10:35

It's not a state of mind. It's not a value judgement. It's not an insult to be elderly. IT's not about how you feel or look. It's simply a marker of having passed a certain age.
70 is elderly. It's not a matter of opinion, if you think it is, you don't understand the word.

SurvivalIsInsufficient · 03/02/2021 10:37

When my aunt died at 72 the doctors all said it was young and premature because most people in the UK die at 89

No dr said such a thing. Most people do not die at age 89, perfectly obviously.

VinylDetective · 03/02/2021 10:46

Perspective, as illustrated above, is certainly dependent on experience and where you live.

It definitely is. I come from a family of long lives on both sides. My dad was 99 when he died and had played a round of golf six months before. My mum was the youngest of seven girls, five of them, including her, saw their 95th birthdays. Two of them were over 100.

I’m a couple of years away from my 70th birthday and, because of the long and active lives I’ve seen, I don’t consider myself or my contemporaries as old.