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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for MN to reesolve this question about splitting finances

74 replies

Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:22

Hi I would really appreciate some words of wisdom on how to arrange our finances so everyone is happy..

I am 43, lone parent of 2 primary aged children, I run a small consultancy from which I earn about 5.5k per month after tax. I share care with exh and he pays no maintenence. I work about 45 hours per week and take about 20 days off per year.

My monthly outgoings are
1200 mortgage
500 house bills
200 car (its a banger but that's for servicing and petrol)
About 500 groceries
About 300 clothes and kids activities
1500 school fees
Anything left over goes into home improvement pot

My partner is 31, works a 55 hour week in a tiring physical job, earns about 1,600 per month after tax. He has about 13k in savings. He wants to retain in teaching from Sept which I think will involve working part time and doing his pgce part time.

I adore him, wouldn't be without him and he improves every aspect of my life. Apart from being a fantastic partner he is hands on and hardworking, he spends at least 3 hours per day on helping with the house and kids on top of long hours which means he more than pulls his weight domestically.

However I am not ready to get married again or to risk giving him a share of our home in case the relationship fails. I have said that all being well in 5 years I would think about making that step.

Since he has moved in he has paid about a 550 pound per month contribution to bills and groceries.

The problem is he wants to contribute his savings and more of his salary into renovating and extending my house.

I think possibly it would be more sensible to ensure that he has his own place which we rent out, so spend his savings on a deposit and buy a property for about 100k, and that he should pay me rent on top of bills and groceries which would then pay for house renovations. When I have suggested this he doesn't seem keen. I am also worried how the 800 he will earn will be enough for 2 years. I feel under pressure with children school fees and my own business and feel nervous about being taking on more responsibility.

I'm not great at sensible financial planning and would really appreciate thoughts on what to do as it's becoming an issue between us. I appreciate this is likely to seem very lucky and privileged and I do feel lucky and privileged.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:25

Sorry should say - we have been togethet for 2.5 years

OP posts:
Glenchase · 02/02/2021 10:27

You’re not married. Do not let him own any part of your house - you can’t risk losing it in the event that the relationship ends. Let him invest his money elsewhere.

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:29

When I say issue - not really an issue but I had a horrible experience with a non working ex husband and can't face bearing all the responsibility again, although dp is absolutely nothing like exh and a grafter which I respect so it's probably an irrational fear...

OP posts:
BlackCatShadow · 02/02/2021 10:29

Why does he want to spend money on renovating and extending the house? Is the house in really bad shape? Do you need the extra space?

I can understand his point of view if he is frustrated that you are living in poor conditions. However, if the house is fine and it's purely cosmetic stuff, then I don't think you should agree.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/02/2021 10:29

You can be tenants in common on a property without being married. And it can be any split. So if he’s contributing x to the house, calculate how much value that is compared to house value. So if he uses £10k savings and your home (pre-renovation) is now worth £500k, then adjust deeds to make you tenants in common with him have 5% share and you 95% share. If he’s paying money towards the mortgage, you van factor that in as an extra % share if you like. Do some math together and see what is fair.

I dont think it wise to push him to buy his own place with so low an income and so little a deposit.

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:30

Thanks glenchase - no I don't want him to have a claim on my house tbh. Would letting him spend his savings on my house mean this?

OP posts:
HeidiHaughton · 02/02/2021 10:30

Wouldn't let anyone spend money on my house and let them have a possible claim over it in years to come.
Either get married or keep finances totally separate.

DedlyMedally · 02/02/2021 10:30

I think you're sensible to encourage him to get his own place. You should be careful with rent. I'm not sure what the distinction would be between a partner paying rent and a partner contributing to your mortgage payments and shining some interest in your property.

Separately, I think him paying towards groceries and bills is fair, rather than rent. If he were truly a lodger, I doubt he would be happy with paying to share your bed (and all that entails) and share his living space with primary aged children.

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:31

Thanks plan - I've not heard of this arrangement before - does this mean he would own part of the property with any risk of me losing it in case of a split?

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:32

Dedly good point-and he is very hands on and loving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:33

To the children I mean - he adds a great deal to their lives

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PlanDeRaccordement · 02/02/2021 10:38

@Scroremanga
Well, you’d simply buy him out if he split. If he only has 5%, he can’t really force a sale because even if you did not have cash savings, you could either get a new mortgage with that cash out or a second mortgage or home equity line of credit and use that to pay him off.

Obviously, you’d have to think he’s a good egg and that your relationship will be long term. As in last 10+ yrs.

My oldest UK friend is a SAHM and unmarried and that’s what she and her partner did. Because she’s not working, but still contributing. It was also his house years before they met. So she has a 25% share and he has 75%. It formalises any claim the other might have in event of a split. If it’s agreed it’s a certain split, then my friend was advised courts won’t go against that without good reason.

NurseButtercup · 02/02/2021 10:41

The problem is he wants to contribute his savings and more of his salary into renovating and extending my house.

I'm just going to throw in a few questions to help with your decision making:
Are these 'essential' renovations?
Is it work that you would consider undertaking if you were single?

I think possibly it would be more sensible to ensure that he has his own place which we rent out, so spend his savings on a deposit and buy a property for about 100k, and that he should pay me rent on top of bills and groceries which would then pay for house renovations. When I have suggested this he doesn't seem keen.

This is a very good plan - why is he reluctant? You're adopting the right approach to safeguard your children's home & future safety net.

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:43

Thanks @PlanDeRaccordement. Better than trying to buy another property?
Does this afford him protection as well do you think?
What would the monthly split of money look like do you think?
While I am in it for 10 plus years if something were to happen can I then remove him from the house if I need to? (exh issues cast bad memories!)

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luxxlisbon · 02/02/2021 10:43

Does he want to use his savings on renovations because he feels like he doesn't contribute enough?
I wouldn't let him pay for things like this for the house when you aren't married, or near wanting that level of commitment.

Tell him to save his money and add to it, if you buy a new house together down the line then he will have funds to contribute to that.

I wouldn't bother faffing about with him looking for somewhere to buy and rent out, particularly as he is about to face a drop in income due to training. If his property is untenanted he will have to cover the costs and that stress won't be helpful while he is retraining.

PlanDeRaccordement · 02/02/2021 10:45

Him buying a house to let on such a low income is not a good plan. He would be responsible for the maintenance and repairs of the house. It’s going to be a starter home which increases risk of tenants that don’t pay rent and destroy it. He won’t have the money to pay for bills plus rent to you. Even just the boiler going in his rental house one month would take two months income. And the U.K. tax situation is terrible. He can’t even deduct the mortgage interest he pays from the rental income. He may rent the house at a loss each year.

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:46

Very good points all just thinking through what you've all written

In response to when he doesn't seem keen I think because he thinks buying could over extend him especially when he wants to retrain, which could be right

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:48

Thank you @PlanDeRaccordement.

I am worried I am essentially going to be supporting him through a 2 year training. Is this an unfounded fear do you think? Is there enough money for him to do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:49

I think he wants to use his savings on renovations because it would make the house nicer for us in the here and now tbh

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 02/02/2021 10:52

@Scroremanga

Thanks *@PlanDeRaccordement*. Better than trying to buy another property? Does this afford him protection as well do you think? What would the monthly split of money look like do you think? While I am in it for 10 plus years if something were to happen can I then remove him from the house if I need to? (exh issues cast bad memories!)
I think him buying his property is a bad idea because his income is so low and £13k isn’t much of a deposit plus the other fees like stamp duty would have to be found.

I don’t know if tenants in common is best idea. It’s one I’m suggesting you explore. I would get legal advice before doing anything though. The money split would be however you agree. You can agree he’s not paying anything towards monthly mortgage and so his share is a flat 5% based purely on the savings he contributed as a lump sum. Or you can have him do the £10k plus £250/mo and agree on 8% share. There is lots of room to negotiate and please, don’t trust my math. Get with a legal and financial advisor to figure out what you think is fair and how to protect things like the deposit you put in the house in first place.

I think it would protect him but also limit that protection to just the % you agree on because my SAHM unmarried friend did say it meant she wouldn’t be contributing unpaid labour and raising their children for twenty years for him to die and her left with nothing with the whole house to be inherited by his DS from a prior relationship.

KarmaNoMore · 02/02/2021 10:52

Just tell him to use his savings to support his training, and revisit the extension project after he completes it. In the meantime, leave things as they are.

luxxlisbon · 02/02/2021 10:53

@Scroremanga

Thank you *@PlanDeRaccordement*.

I am worried I am essentially going to be supporting him through a 2 year training. Is this an unfounded fear do you think? Is there enough money for him to do it?

You would be and you wouldn't though. If you broke up with your partner you would have to pay the full costs of your bills and mortgage so by supporting him with his retraining you aren't actually materially losing out as it is your house and ultimately your responsibility.
maxelly · 02/02/2021 10:54

Yes to what Plan says about tenants in common, if you did want to agree to him increasing his contributions to your house or putting a capital sum in, this would be the safe and fair way to do it - he'd have a 'claim' to your house this way but it would be limited and defined as a certain %, and so long as you have the money available in cash or can increase your mortgage to buy him out of that % there's no risk of you losing your home... that being said, it does seem an odd time for him to want to increase his expenditure right as he embarks on retraining and a subsequent drop in income, unless the renovations are essential he'd probably be better off keeping his money for the time being?

I'm not sure I necessarily think that him buying his own place to rent out is the best idea either though, being a landlord isn't as easy as MN makes out and it can actually get very pricey and stressful, if you get a bad tenant and they trash the place or don't pay rent and have to be evicted or you choose your property unwisely and have to replace the boiler or the roof or similar that can wipe your profits out instantly or even mean you run at a loss for a few years - fine if it's just one part of a balanced long-term investment portfolio but if all your eggs are in the one basket that can really not be good. Plus all the potential tax implications both in terms of the income but also if and when he wants to sell it.

He might be better off simply putting the money into an ISA or bonds or a managed investment fund to earn some interest but still have it accessible to cover any extraordinary expenses while his income is reduced, and then when ready it could be put into home improvements at your place or in the event of a break up as a deposit on his own place?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2021 10:57

I'd say reasonable house costs are 2k if he has his own car.

You earn 7k between you so I'd say he's due to pay about £430.

Clothes and kids activities and school fees are for you and Ex to cover.

If he needs to retrain then he needs to be saving now to cover his costs then. I'd look at dropping his contribution to £450 once he's training and then up it once he's working again.

Don't get him to take on a new property when he's about to retrain but encourage him to keep his savings until he's working again and then discuss a second property.

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:59

Thanks @PlanDeRaccordement. I will look into it more.

Thanks @karmanomore - I guess if we left as is then he would continue to pay rent and bills... I don't know if there is a bit of me which thinks that I am unfairly supporting him... I think this is my personal issue after a bad marriage... Just feels like a long time (2 years!) for minimal financial contributions, or moving on financially. But I don't know he has every right to retrain. But could he do it if he wasn't living here, albeit contributing hugely to childcare and domestic labour. I'm in a muddle, just thinking aloud apologies if I sound ungrateful!

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