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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for MN to reesolve this question about splitting finances

74 replies

Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 10:22

Hi I would really appreciate some words of wisdom on how to arrange our finances so everyone is happy..

I am 43, lone parent of 2 primary aged children, I run a small consultancy from which I earn about 5.5k per month after tax. I share care with exh and he pays no maintenence. I work about 45 hours per week and take about 20 days off per year.

My monthly outgoings are
1200 mortgage
500 house bills
200 car (its a banger but that's for servicing and petrol)
About 500 groceries
About 300 clothes and kids activities
1500 school fees
Anything left over goes into home improvement pot

My partner is 31, works a 55 hour week in a tiring physical job, earns about 1,600 per month after tax. He has about 13k in savings. He wants to retain in teaching from Sept which I think will involve working part time and doing his pgce part time.

I adore him, wouldn't be without him and he improves every aspect of my life. Apart from being a fantastic partner he is hands on and hardworking, he spends at least 3 hours per day on helping with the house and kids on top of long hours which means he more than pulls his weight domestically.

However I am not ready to get married again or to risk giving him a share of our home in case the relationship fails. I have said that all being well in 5 years I would think about making that step.

Since he has moved in he has paid about a 550 pound per month contribution to bills and groceries.

The problem is he wants to contribute his savings and more of his salary into renovating and extending my house.

I think possibly it would be more sensible to ensure that he has his own place which we rent out, so spend his savings on a deposit and buy a property for about 100k, and that he should pay me rent on top of bills and groceries which would then pay for house renovations. When I have suggested this he doesn't seem keen. I am also worried how the 800 he will earn will be enough for 2 years. I feel under pressure with children school fees and my own business and feel nervous about being taking on more responsibility.

I'm not great at sensible financial planning and would really appreciate thoughts on what to do as it's becoming an issue between us. I appreciate this is likely to seem very lucky and privileged and I do feel lucky and privileged.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:02

Thank you good points being raised about bad idea to become a landlord and yy to access to cash being important while he retrains
He is pulling his weight and this all sounds fair I think it's more emotional for me around taking on extra responsibility for someone else

OP posts:
RandomLondoner · 02/02/2021 11:03

I think this is simple. He doesn't have a lot of money, in terms of income or assets. Just refuse to take it and suggest he uses it to build up his savings. Getting into complicated arrangements over such a small amount of money (13K) is not worth it.

If the renovations make sense, pay for them yourself.

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:04

And yes it is my house, my responsibility and I agree not materially losing out

OP posts:
Palavah · 02/02/2021 11:07

If the renovations make sense, pay for them yourself.

This - and if he is concerned he's not making enough of a financial contribution then he can up his monthly contribution.

Have you put in a CMS claim to your exh?

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:08

Ex wanted 50 50 split, court agreed it, can't make any claim to CMS 🤷‍♂️

OP posts:
maxelly · 02/02/2021 11:09

@Scroremanga

Thanks *@PlanDeRaccordement*. I will look into it more.

Thanks @karmanomore - I guess if we left as is then he would continue to pay rent and bills... I don't know if there is a bit of me which thinks that I am unfairly supporting him... I think this is my personal issue after a bad marriage... Just feels like a long time (2 years!) for minimal financial contributions, or moving on financially. But I don't know he has every right to retrain. But could he do it if he wasn't living here, albeit contributing hugely to childcare and domestic labour. I'm in a muddle, just thinking aloud apologies if I sound ungrateful!

I do understand your feelings and I also think that as you live together and have joint finances to some extent him retraining should be a joint decision, or at least one you have some input to, as it will likely mean a drop in household income.

But it seems that you are in a better place than most to manage that drop, as essentially you can afford the mortgage, bills and other essential costs on just your salary, and his mainly pays for 'nice to haves' like home improvements? So for instance him retraining may mean postponing the extension project for a few years or reducing things like holiday expenditure, rather than meaning you're struggling to eat or pay bills? So it doesn't sound crazy reckless to me, as he's looking to retrain in a field that will provide stable and reasonably well paid employment with good pensions etc. and that serves a good societal purpose, rather than him deciding he wants to pursue his dream of being a rock star or an F1 driver or something equally risky with small prospects of success that could be deemed purely a selfish/vanity project...

Equally, people do train as teachers without a partner or family to support them, I expect this means living in a flatshare or very small bedsit, being frugal with living costs and not many nights out or holidays etc to afford it (that's what I did many moons ago when doing my professional qualifications anyway, I know things are different nowadays but people do obviously live on very low wages). 2 years I'd say is pretty standard/minimum for any kind of professional training, in fact a lot of professions it would take longer so that wouldn't be a huge concern for me...

You could argue he therefore 'has it good' living in your nice house etc and benefiting from your nicer lifestyle but then you say he more than pulls his weight domestically so it's not as though you aren't getting anything out of this either so I don't think I'd view that as a huge concern - so long as he would be happy to support you if the boot was on the other foot?

But I do think if the decision is for him to retrain, he does need to accept that other things like the renovations will be compromised/delayed as a result, I think him wanting to do 2 big 'projects' that entail stress, disruption and expense at once is too much...

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:11

So it sounds like the consensus opinion is things stay as is and I do want I want with him contributing after training. After his training I can look at being tenants in common and renovations, after that marriage and second property if sensible?

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:12

@maxelly very wise words I'm thinking it all through

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 02/02/2021 11:20

Any money he puts towards the house could help him claim an interest in the property. The more money and longer the period the more he'd have a case.

Getting him to buy a property and then pay you rent might work depending on value. Rental would likely be around £300 -400. Then he'll have to pay 20% tax on it (assuming it takes him over the threshold), then he will need to put some money aside for repairs, redecoration, insurance, management fees and void periods. This could leave him with just about 0, if not in deficit. Letting property is not the easy access to income many believe it to be.

Is your oh doing a teacher training course that is paid £20k or so?

Ultimately, the fairest is what you are doing currently, with him paying half the bills.

luxxlisbon · 02/02/2021 11:25

@Scroremanga

So it sounds like the consensus opinion is things stay as is and I do want I want with him contributing after training. After his training I can look at being tenants in common and renovations, after that marriage and second property if sensible?
You don't have to support him, you do get a say in this conversation if he lives with you and retraining will result in a big drop in income for a year or two. However if you are in a committed relationship, are happy together and he contributes in other ways then you need to consider what his new career means for you both. Presumably after this his earning power should increase.
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:27

He is just at the UCAS application stage and he isn't clear on how much it will cost in fees but planning to support himself by working part time and doing the pgce over 2 years. I've got no idea how fees work for a pgce though

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:29

@luxxlisbon
It's the right thing to do and will bring a better quality of life for us both hopefully as his current job has caused a number of injuries and has no real progression

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 02/02/2021 11:30

I would not accept his money towards the cost of renovating and extending the house. You should pay out of your savings if you wish to have the work done.

I would analyse household bills and remove anything he shouldn't contribute towards such as Home Insurance. I then suggest that he pays rent at market rate (with a proper rent agreement) and that he contributes 25% towards food and 25% towards bills (because you are responsible for yourself and your children).

So, you are responsible for the mortgage, 75% of bills, your car, 75% of food, all of your children's costs including school fees.

He is responsible for 25% of bills, 25% food and pays market value for rent. He keeps his savings to enable him to pay these bills whilst re-training and only doing part-time hours. He should be responsible for getting himself through re-training so that you can be safe in the knowledge that he isn't a cocklodger.

The only way to protect your home for your children is to not let him go on the mortgage and deeds unless you marry. If you do marry, have a contract drawn up to protect the value of your home at that date just so he doesn't have a 50% claim on it in the future.

titchy · 02/02/2021 11:30

Why is he so keen to spend his savings on your house (which will give him a financial stake in the house) and not in investing it in his own training which will improve his earnings?

titchy · 02/02/2021 11:32

His fees will be paid for by student loan by the way. Nothing to pay up front at all. He should also be able to claim a maintenance loan.

titchy · 02/02/2021 11:34

To be honest if he's only just at the UCAS stage it's not gonna happen this year - the deadline has passed. And I'm guessing he hasn't had much in the way of classroom experience either? Be careful OP...

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:38

The deadline is 31st May and he's done quite a bit of volunteering in support of the application so I think it's realistic

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 02/02/2021 11:38

I don't know if there is a bit of me which thinks that I am unfairly supporting him.

But I don't know he has every right to retrain. But could he do it if he wasn't living here, albeit contributing hugely to childcare and domestic labour.
I think he has he right to re-train but only if he is standing the cost of re-training including paying you rent and his share of the bills. If you financially contribute, you will never really know if you have been used.

I think you are right to be cautious. I would be worried about someone wanting to put their savings into my home. You have to wonder 'what's in it for him?'

Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:42

I think there's the nub... If I wasn't a higher earner then it wouldn't be possible unless he lived at home / in a very grim house share. Part of me feels like he's skipping over some of the shit bits in life which I've gone through as I'm older...
I don't know if I resent this or worry that's why he's with me although absolutely nothing he does or has done would rationally indicate this

OP posts:
Original poster
Scroremanga · 02/02/2021 11:44

I think if it make more financial sense ie interest rates on student loans, he would use savings for fees instead

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2021 11:48

@Scroremanga

I think there's the nub... If I wasn't a higher earner then it wouldn't be possible unless he lived at home / in a very grim house share. Part of me feels like he's skipping over some of the shit bits in life which I've gone through as I'm older... I don't know if I resent this or worry that's why he's with me although absolutely nothing he does or has done would rationally indicate this
If you resent him not having the same experiences as you, dump him and find a divorced guy with kids who's had to do it all themselves. It's not his fault he hasn't had to do that. Of you resent the fact he isn't yet on the career he wants to be in, dump him and find a guy with a better job.

It sounds like he isn't good enough for you or in the right "life experience" zone for you

mootymoo · 02/02/2021 11:50

If you let him invest into your house, yes he owns a defined share either a set percentage or a amount of money. It's a risk but not a large one as you are an established couple.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/02/2021 11:50

@Scroremanga

I think if it make more financial sense ie interest rates on student loans, he would use savings for fees instead
I wouldn't use savings. He'll pay back student loans proportional to his income in a way he'll never pay back his savings. He's better keeping the hard cash so if you break up he can afford to support himself somewhere else
titchy · 02/02/2021 11:51

@Scroremanga

The deadline is 31st May and he's done quite a bit of volunteering in support of the application so I think it's realistic
Apply opened in October - check bottom paragraph of attached screenshot.
To ask for MN to reesolve this question about splitting finances
titchy · 02/02/2021 11:55

@Scroremanga

I think if it make more financial sense ie interest rates on student loans, he would use savings for fees instead
It doesn't though if he goes into teaching. At all. He won't be making any repayments till he's earning over £25k. And then it's only a few quid a month.

Has he actually looked into this properly - it's sounding like he's making the right noises to you, but either has done no research at all, or he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes.