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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to go to funeral because of covid.

52 replies

Lilo29 · 01/02/2021 14:51

Hi all, I’ve been asked to attend a funeral next week. I agreed. It’s not a close relative (not a parent or grandparent or anything). But a sibling of grandparent. I agreed to go but now I’m having serious doubts.

Mainly because I have social anxiety but also anxiety due to covid. What if I had the virus and spread it? What about if others had the virus and gave it to me? I don’t really go out much at all to minimise my risk.

There will be up to 30 people there inc some of my family who I know aren’t great at social distancing. And will probably all sit close together. I’d want to sit at a distance 😭 which probably won’t go down well. I know masks will be worn? Etc. But I still feel on edge about it all.

Aibu not to go? Would it be rude if I was invited and told them I would and not to? Obviously I would let them know and give a reason. Would you be honest about your reasons not to go? Or would you make a reasonable excuse like childcare issues or car issues etc.

There will be a few other people in attendance so it’s not like they need me there.

Feel awful not going but I feel my anxiety is getting the better of me. Social events (albeit a funeral) really stress me out.

I know someone who went to a funeral then tested positive shortly after. She thinks it could be from there as she hadn’t really been near anyone else. 😭

OP posts:
tatutata · 01/02/2021 14:52

It's quite a strong obligation to go to a funeral. It's not like you get another chance.

Original poster
Lilo29 · 01/02/2021 14:53

@tatutata I agree but as I say not a close relation as such. Someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. I wouldn’t think twice at someone I was closer to!

OP posts:
VinylDetective · 01/02/2021 14:56

With limited numbers allowed I imagine it would be very easy to fill your place if you didn’t go. Just tell them you’re not going soon enough for them to invite someone else.

StrangerHereMyself · 01/02/2021 14:56

Do you feel your presence would be particularly useful or welcome to the rest of the family? Did you have a bond with your great-uncle/aunt as a child?

It’s a difficult call to make but if you decide not to go it would be the easiest thing in the world to say you’d woken up with a cough the day before and were self isolating while you waited for the test to come back.

sleepyhead · 01/02/2021 14:56

My experience of funerals recently was that they were very strict about distancing and people didn't really hang about before and afterwards.

thecatsthecats · 01/02/2021 14:57

What a shame you are isolating...

A neutral excuse would be kindest at this point. ASAP so someone else can go.

WorraLiberty · 01/02/2021 14:59

[quote Lilo29]@tatutata I agree but as I say not a close relation as such. Someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. I wouldn’t think twice at someone I was closer to![/quote]
But your reasons for not going would remain exactly the same, surely?

Mainly because I have social anxiety but also anxiety due to covid. What if I had the virus and spread it? What about if others had the virus and gave it to me? I don’t really go out much at all to minimise my risk.

AgentProvocateur · 01/02/2021 15:00

Sorry, I’m going to be a bit harsh and say that it’s poor form not to go when you e been invited and said you would. Your grandparent’s sibling is still quite close family. Funerals are strict with the social
Distancing. Put on a mask and go to support the person who asked you.

Jocasta2018 · 01/02/2021 15:01

As you say you're not that close to the deceased - a great aunt or uncle rather than grandparent - so don't feel obliged to go.
Although a funeral can have up to 30 mourners, it doesn't mean they should be aiming to hit that total. We're in a lockdown & should be trying to avoid travel & mixing with other households.
Just say you're not feeling too great & are isolating just in case.

tatutata · 01/02/2021 15:03

@Lilo29 fair enough. I guess I'm a big fan of funerals that aren't close, becaaue it gives a nice chance for quiet reflection on life, rather than deep sadness.

sticksandbones · 01/02/2021 15:03

@tatutata

It's quite a strong obligation to go to a funeral. It's not like you get another chance.
It's not a strong obligation at all, you have a choice when it's not a close relative like a great aunt/uncle who you don't know.
Original poster
Lilo29 · 01/02/2021 15:04

@WorraLiberty despite my anxiety I wouldn’t think twice about going to a funeral of someone I was very close too!

This person wasn’t someone I knew that well. I can’t help feel I’ve been asked along as the rest of my family (who knew him better) was going. They may have felt obliged too.

It seems like quite a few people are going. Think it could well be 30!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilo29 · 01/02/2021 15:06

@AgentProvocateur

Sorry, I’m going to be a bit harsh and say that it’s poor form not to go when you e been invited and said you would. Your grandparent’s sibling is still quite close family. Funerals are strict with the social Distancing. Put on a mask and go to support the person who asked you.
I do agree somewhat. But we are also in a middle of a pandemic and a group of 30 people is giving me palpitations thinking about it! 😩 I was probably only asked along as the rest of my family were and they felt obliged too. I live a little further afield. Not far enough id be wrong travelling - around 20 miles and still in the same county!
OP posts:
Tier10 · 01/02/2021 15:07

I think it’s completely reasonable not to go.

MiddleOfThePack · 01/02/2021 15:08

No-one 'likes' going to funerals. If you've been invited, then go. I've been to one and they are very strict about seating and masks. You can leave straight after and no-one will object if you choose to sit away from them.

Ginfordinner · 01/02/2021 15:09

@sleepyhead

My experience of funerals recently was that they were very strict about distancing and people didn't really hang about before and afterwards.
That was my experience. We had to watch BIL's cremation service on a screen in another part of the crem because they were very strict.
Tier10 · 01/02/2021 15:11

I think if being indoors with 30 people is causing you a lot of anxiety (it definitely would do for me at the moment) then just be honest and say this. You can light a candle for your relative and reflect at home or maybe they’ll have a live stream.
It was my DF’s funeral in December and I kept the numbers really low, just because you’re allowed 30 people it doesn’t mean 30 have to go.

Toddlerteaplease · 01/02/2021 15:14

I doubt they'll be allowed to sit together. Churches I've been in are very strict and I believe crematoriums are the same.

StrawBeretMoose · 01/02/2021 15:14

Don't feel obliged to go but do let them know in advance. They may be streaming the funeral for those who can't attend, you could perhaps watch it live.

You could give the close family a follow up call for support, it's not all about the funeral.

Glenchase · 01/02/2021 15:17

My mother didn’t go to her own sister’s funeral. She said it was stupid for elderly siblings to risk their lives for someone who was already dead. Needless to say the children of the deceased were furious. But I have to say I agree with her.

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/02/2021 15:18

Well, if you aren't going to go then, of course, you should be truthful about your reasons for not attending.

I think it is very poor of you to accept the invitation and then change your mind. In future when you receive any invitations, perhaps you should say you need to check your diary which gives you time to decide what to do. Better that than letting people down.

I also think that we sometimes have to attend funerals to make others feel better. Your grandparent will probably be comforted that so many came to show their respects for their sibling.

Btw, you cannot all sit together in the church/crematorium. You can only sit, masked, with your household group.

Buntysbosom · 01/02/2021 15:26

@sleepyhead

My experience of funerals recently was that they were very strict about distancing and people didn't really hang about before and afterwards.
^this.
Buntysbosom · 01/02/2021 15:28

you have a choice when it's not a close relative like a great aunt/uncle who you don't know

I think in this case op would be going to support the grandparent of the deceased.

NavyKitchen · 01/02/2021 15:31

I watched the funeral of my dm's cousin online last week and social distancing was NOT adhered to with the seating arrangements.
I went to my friend's funeral in December and that was very strict and felt safe.
I wouldn't rely on the venue enforcing distancing. They most likely will but it isn't guaranteed.

Topseyt · 01/02/2021 15:33

I had to go to a funeral recently. A cremation, I would also say that they were extremely strict on social distancing.

The chapel had about half the pews that it would normally have had and funeral services are limited to a maximum of 30 people. That doesn't mean that there will be 30 people, we numbered 20. Masks were to be worn at all times. There was little hanging around afterwards. A look at the family flowers outside in the garden of remembrance (loads of space for social distancing there) and a brief chat etc. for about 10 minutes. Then everyone just went home. None of the usual gathering in a pub or other hospitality venue as all are closed, and no going round to anyone's house as that is banned under lockdown. Would that allay your social anxiety a little if you feel you should go?

Your call entirely. Funerals are often streamed online now, especially during the current Covid crisis. Crematoriums etc. are offering this so that people who cannot be there or are uncomfortable in any way can be part of the service. Could you ask about that?